Advice

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching. Since it’s often recommended that we update our online dating profiles seasonally, how should we approach the “holiday of romance”? A witty quip about Cupid? Some reference to wearing red? An excerpt of poetry, perhaps? Or maybe an anti-Valentine’s statement - a dark joke or a reference to the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre?

How about this approach? Stay away altogether. As far away as you can get.

You always run the risk of bringing up negative emotions in someone, somewhere, with anything you bring up in your profile. Even supposedly “safe” areas like national holidays can be tricky - you never know whose dog died on Superbowl Sunday. Typically, you just accept the risk and run with whatever you want anyway. However, when you’re dealing with a holiday celebrating love and romance, on a site full of currently-single people... well, the potential for a miscommunication is substantially higher.

Let’s say you’re a holiday buff and you just can’t ignore a holiday that the grocery stores have been celebrating since Christmas. Let’s consider some of the potential landmines inherent in the typical approaches.

First, the traditional approach: quoting a line from Shakespeare about love, for example. Unless this is entirely within your character - unless you are a highly romantic, over-the-top person every day of the year - it has the potential to come off as cheesy at best, and desperate at worst. It’s even possible your profile won’t be taken seriously because the reader might assume you’re simply trolling for a Valentine’s Day date.

Then there’s the dark approach: the sardonic comment, the anti-romantic joke, maybe something involving Cupid and death. It’s the holiday version of the classic Internet problem: sarcasm. Simply put, what might be hysterical with the right delivery - with your “voice” - is left open to interpretation when this is the reader’s first impression of you. What might have genuinely been meant in good taste and humor suddenly seems angry and bitter. Since there are lots of angry and bitter people around this holiday, it’s not even that much of a stretch.

So, perhaps for just one holiday, it’s best to cast a blind eye. Wax romantic about the coming of spring instead, or a Superbowl Sunday victory (take your chances on the possibility of a dead dog reminder). The reader won’t bring their own Valentine’s prejudices with them as they read your profile. Who knows? By avoiding an opinion about Cupid, you might be giving yourself a shot at love.

In the world of online dating, we form our first impressions based on a profile, a block of text, a three-inch photo. Sometimes, when we subsequently meet someone in person after having read their profile, or blog, we feel as though we know them already - their written words match up perfectly with the person in front of us. And other times... we still respect and enjoy their writing, but in person, the chemistry just isn’t there.

It happens. Occasionally you’ll find someone who looks like the ideal match on paper - similar interests, attractive, funny - and in person there’s just “something” about them that not only isn’t attractive, it might even grate on you! And that’s okay. After all, if all it took was common interests to forge a connection, then every garage band, PTA or sports team would be one big happy family - and we know that’s not often the case.

No one knows exactly what makes a good romantic match, or even a good friendship. And that’s not for lack of trying - scientists theorize constantly about pheromones, even genes. Others tell us that attractiveness is more a state of mind, based on our society or our friends’ opinions, than anything physical. And maybe it’s all of those theories combined, or none of them. The fact is, chemistry is still something nebulous that can’t be predicted or assumed.

So what does this tell us about our dating habits? Well, try not to box yourself in with your expectations. Just as the person who looks perfect on paper can be not-so-perfect in person, so too can someone with differing interests who’s not your “type” actually set off a spark when you meet.

Profiles can be useful in several ways - early identification of red flags, finding the only other Bingo fan in your age bracket, getting that first conversation going - but ultimately, only meeting in person can tell you if you have chemistry together. Why limit the possibilities of finding a great match?

Let me tell you about a guy I know, “Rob.” Rob recently decided to jump into the world of online dating. I helped him edit his profile, and it was pretty good, if I do say so myself. To the best of my knowledge, he seemed to be doing everything “right.” I was confident he’d have no trouble getting responses on the site he chose.

I ran into him a few weeks later, and asked him how it was going. To my surprise, it wasn’t going well at all. He apparently hadn’t received even one response.

“Wow, Rob, I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “Would you like me to take a look at your first-contact emails, see if anything jumps out at me?”

He wrinkled his brow. “What do you mean? I haven’t even gotten that far,” he said. “No one’s responded to me when I wink at them.”

And there was the problem. Whether it’s a wink, a poke, or whatever your online dating site chooses to call it, the “nudge” is probably the most useless function in online dating. Simply put, to be successful in dating, you have to be assertive at some point - no one else can make you create a profile, or send an email, or arrange a date.

The wink, however, encourages a passive level of behavior. You’re essentially leaving everything up to your potential match. More to the point, while your nudge may lead them to your profile, it doesn’t add anything to the picture of your personality. In contrast, an email might allow for an extra joke, another question to jump start a conversation, and most importantly, additional insight into your personality.

You simply can’t be passive in dating - in order to maximize your chances for success, you need to really jump in with both feet. Thus, when you’re interested in someone, don’t let a wimpy nudge cause you to miss out on something great. The effort will eventually pay off.

Online dating is a rigorous process. You search through profiles, email back and forth answering questions, talk over the phone, and eventually you meet in person. Chances are that along the way, you're going to reject a few candidates before someone interests you.

But what if telling someone you're not interested is a hard thing for you to do? Do you find yourself "disappearing" by not answering emails or texts? Do you let your date's calls go to voicemail?

If you are hoping that your dates get the hint by your lack of attention, this is not a good practice. Most online daters understand that you are communicating with multiple candidates and chemistry is not always there. This doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want and hope they get the message, just because you feel uncomfortable telling them how you feel. Your dates deserve the courtesy of a response.

Let's turn the tables. How many times have you been frustrated by your love interest's sporadic phone calls and hectic schedule? If he's not available, most likely he's not interested. But how many times have you questioned that assumption, remembering how great his smile was or what incredible chemistry you thought you shared? Have you done the same thing to someone else?

If you have a date that you don't care to see again, send a nice but brief email or make a phone call (no texts please!). Let him know you're not interested without being rude. For example:

It was nice meeting you last night and thanks for dinner. Unfortunately, I just didn't feel there was chemistry between us. I wish you the best.

Even if your date feels a little hurt and rejected, it's better that he knows instead of wondering what happened. When people know where they stand, they are able to move on and find the relationship that is right for them.

When we’re about to meet someone new, we do all we can to make sure the first impression we receive is an accurate one. We send emails backs and forth, and scour them for red flags; we try to “listen to our gut,” we try to have a meaningful first conversation without appearing too strange or overzealous ourselves. We want to absorb as much information out of that first meeting as we can.

However, sometimes, despite our best efforts, it’s simply impossible to get the whole picture. Because, simply, a first date is a pretty controlled situation. And by that, I mean both members are in control. If any date is planned down to the last detail, it’s probably that one.

And think about yourself: yourself when you’re in control, and when you’re not - when you’re stressed. Are you exactly the same person?

Some people have different thresholds of stress, and it could days, weeks, or even months until you see that Other Side of your date. Maybe they’re the sort of person who freaks out on the very first date if their food comes out wrong - but maybe they’re not. Maybe they’re calm, and cool as a cucumber, until they’re under life-changing amounts of stress.

It’s not something you can assess on the first date (and you shouldn’t really want to put your date in stressful situations, anyway). Therefore, what can you do about it?

Well, be observant. Everyday situations typically contain a little stress (driving, for example, or the aforementioned wrong food order). How does your date react to small, manageable amounts of stress? How do they treat others when they’re under stress? Getting worked up is not the same as lashing out at others, or becoming just plain mean.

However, remember: you’re not looking for a perfect date, you’re looking for a good match. You’re not looking for flaws; you’re testing the waters to see if you could live with this behavior. For example, I know a couple wherein the husband is the sort of person who Needs a Plan while traveling. He’s, frankly, not the best traveler; he becomes downright grumpy if he gets lost, or something doesn’t go according to plan.

His wife is the exact opposite: she’ll float through an airport at her own pace if she has her way, and delays and cancellations are just a way of life. “Sure,” she confided, “It would be nice if he were more relaxed about travel. But this is about as bad as he ever gets, and we don’t even travel that often. Small price to pay for someone I like the rest of the time.”

Observing how someone reacts in stressful situations is a good indicator of how they’ll be when life inevitably throws its curveballs. But make sure you don’t obsess over seeing them crack. Maybe, instead of being too good to be true, your date is actually just right for you.

Let's face it...most of us enjoy doing little favors for our boyfriends or girlfriends. We like to show our love in various ways, which is a good thing. But when does giving become an unhealthy thing and make the relationship one-sided?

First, reciprocity in any relationship is key. Every relationship requires time and attention. Ask yourself if he (or she) is doing the basics:

• Does he call you when he says he will?
• Does he follow through with plans he makes to see you?
• Does he treat you with respect and affection?
• Does he do things for you without expecting anything in return?

If he isn't treating you with respect, then it's time to let him go. Sometimes however, the evidence isn't so cut and dry.

I see some women who are in what I would call "tentative relationships". That is, a woman is dating a man who hasn't let her know if he considers her a girlfriend. They date, or maybe they sleep together, but he keeps her at a distance. She doesn't ask him outright where she stands because she's afraid he'll just leave her, or she'll look like a fool. Instead, she compensates by doing favors for him, hoping to win his affection.

For instance, she stops by his house to bring him dinner, or she gives him small gifts. He tells her he appreciates these things, but he does not return the favor and does not pursue her, introduce her to friends, or treat her like a girlfriend. This is not a balanced relationship. She is doing most of the giving, and receiving very little in return. This will eventually create animosity in her, and he will not respect her.

If you find yourself in this situation, my advice is to be honest with your love interest. Everyone deserves a relationship built on mutual respect and affection, and if you are feeling like things are one-sided, it's likely true. Ask him how he feels and what he wants. Even if he's not interested in a "real" relationship with you, at least you know where you stand and you can move on. It will save a lot of heartache and confusion down the line.

Bottom line: if you are trying to convince someone to love you by doing things for him, stop. If he is truly interested, his actions will speak louder than his words. If you are the only one putting effort into your relationship, it's time to move on.