Advice

You’ve worked very hard to achieve career success, and often put in long hours on the job. But maybe your ambitions have caused your personal life to suffer. Perhaps it’s been months since you’ve been on a date, or signed up with on online dating site. You find that work just takes up too much time, and hope that someday your future girlfriend or boyfriend will cross your path when it’s convenient for you.

Unfortunately, that’s usually not how life works.

Sometimes opportunities come along when we aren’t looking. And other times we have to dedicate time to other pursuits besides work that are important to us. Career is only one aspect of our lives. Relationships, friendships, and family are just as important. But these bonds need to be created and nurtured. There must be a balance.

If you find yourself unable to schedule time to check your new online dating matches, schedule a few coffee dates, or otherwise pursue a relationship, you’re going to have a difficult time finding the right person. If you can’t make time for a date, how can you make sufficient time for a relationship?

Technology allows us to stay very connected. It also allows our networks to grow. Instead of using these tools for business only, try using them towards your love life. Set aside 30 minutes each day (perhaps during lunch) to check your online matches. Set aside 2 nights per week to have drinks with dates. Attend one new networking event or party a week. Pay attention to your Facebook circles, and reach out. Don’t get frustrated that you may have to do this for several weeks or months before meeting someone special. Just do it, and stick to your schedule. You’ll find that putting time into your personal life helps your work life flow more easily as well.

The main point is that in order to achieve your desired results (a relationship), you must put in the time. There is no way to avoid it. Life is about balance, and if you spend all of it involved in work or a career pursuit, you could miss a great relationship that’s right in front of you.

Instead of putting your personal life on hold until it’s the right time, make time for it now. Besides, you never know who you might meet.

How often have you looked at a couple and thought "Wow, I can't believe HE scored HER!" or "I don't get it - what on earth does he see in that woman?"

Couples who seem mismatched may get a lot of attention, but they actually might be in the minority. Research has shown that, more often than not, people choose mates with a similar level of attractiveness. This tendency is evolutionarily advantageous - by mating with someone with similar genes, your genes (and the traits they produce) will be passed on and preserved.

"Attractiveness" is not all about physical appearance, however. Studies examining whether or not beauty is really in the eye of the beholder have found that subjects almost always rate a person as more attractive when they feel that the person is friendly and kind. A cold or distant personality causes subjects to give the person a lower attractiveness rating.

And it turns out that being good looking is useful for a lot more than just filling up your dance card. Research has found that people who are physically attractive are more intelligent and more popular than their less attractive counterparts, and have more success both romantically and occupationally, though the exact correlation between attractiveness and success is not clear.

One explanation for this theory, known as the Halo Effect, accounts for this relationship using stereotypes. Proponents of the theory believe that humans use cultural stereotypes to immediately and subconsciously judge everyone we meet, before we have a chance to evaluate their personality or intelligence, using a simple "attractive individual = good person, unattractive individual = bad person" formula.

Other scientists believe that the Halo Effect is a result of self-fulfilling prophesies. A person who is confident and receives positive feedback from others is more likely to be successful than a person who lacks self-esteem, and someone who feels attractive - even if others wouldn't rate them as such - is likely to be equally as successful as someone who is objectively considered attractive.

The moral of the story seems to be that beauty, like it or not, matters. It affects our relationships, our professional success, our happiness. Though striving for physical perfection is a narcissistic and pointless endeavor, there are concrete benefits to being good looking that go far beyond egotism.

I think I see the beginning of a new marketing campaign for plastic surgeons...

Related Story: The Science Of Beauty, The Science Of Beauty, Part III

Predicting the course of a relationship is much like predicting the weather. You can attempt to take measurements using the most sophisticated analysis at your disposal, checking obsessively. You can make pretty educated guesses about the state of things. Still, the actual path ultimately remains a mystery until you get there. And every relationship balances sweet and stormy weather.

When you’re in the throes of the early stages of a relationship - the infatuation, the giddiness, the mild and sweet spring - it can be hard to remember that those storms will ever show up and darken your day. And even more importantly: are those arguments just short summer squalls that disappear within an hour, or are they an indication of a long and painful season of sadness? In short, when is an argument just an argument?

It’s important to remember that every couple argues. Even the most established, loving couples are entitled to a squabble, or even a big blowout, every now and then. Some couples, remembering past relationships, freeze and fear over even the slightest rumble of discontent. Be honest, and don’t be afraid to disagree; what’s important is how the couple handles the aftermath. Are the fights of a nature that they actually change how you see and feel about each other, or can you get “back to normal” a day or even hours later? Are your feelings for each other secure and “boarded up” enough that they can withstand even hurricane-force winds, or will they crumble under the frosty weight of emotional negativity you’ve been heaping onto each other?

You may not be able to predict the weather precisely, but there’s something to be said for following trends. Are you fighting more than you’re happy? Are you fighting over big issues that you’ll never resolve? Are you getting into huge arguments over small things, simply because neither one of you can let anything go? Perhaps, then, it’s time to have a serious talk about how the wind is blowing.

The greatest defense against tempestuous weather is communication. If you communicate regularly (not just after a fight), you’ll have a better handle on the state of your relationship, both in the good times and the bad. And remember, in a relationship, you’re part of a couple; a team, not adversaries. Arguments may occur, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find solutions together, and even ways of better handling the next fight. Perhaps you can’t predict the weather, but you can wait out the storms together.

When you first met your boyfriend, you were counting calories and visiting the gym on a regular basis. But since then you've grown comfortable with each other and you've added a few extra pounds. You might now find yourself feeling less attractive and struggling to lose some weight.

But what happens if your weight gain starts affecting your relationship? What if your boyfriend starts criticizing, making comments, or asking you to lose weight? Or what if he just pulls away?

If your boyfriend seems less interested in being affectionate, having sex, or is physically distancing himself from you, it's hard to ignore. You may feel self-conscious, but the best thing to do is to communicate and talk openly about your feelings. Following are some questions you can ask him:

Is he really distancing himself from you because of your weight gain, or is something else going on?

What factors led to his current feelings?

Is he willing to support you emotionally, no matter your weight?

And you can ask yourself:

Has he treated you with respect and consideration in the relationship, or does he only focus on your faults? Does he admit when he's at fault?

Have you been putting time and effort into your relationship?

Are you taking steps to feel better about yourself?

If he is making you feel guilty about your extra pounds, this is not helping the relationship. There's no excuse for his behavior, and perhaps he's hiding his own insecurities by trying to focus on you. Even if there's been a noticeable difference in your appearance, your significant other is there to support you, as long as you are supporting yourself. If your health is at risk, or if you spend your days feeling insecure and it's affected your relationships with friends and family, then something needs to change.

Again, the key is to communicate and let your feelings be clear. If you're not honest with one another, you could be spending too much time and energy on needless worrying. If he's worth keeping, he will support you, and you'll take action if it's needed to become a healthier you.

In online dating, most people consider the first contact with a potential match to be the obviously-titled “first-contact email.” While the first-contact email is technically the first time you initiate interaction with a specific person, it’s not really the first time you’re beginning a conversation. And no, the real beginning is not a nudge, wink, or poke, either - those wishy-washy devices are best left alone. No, instead, the conversation actually begins in your online profile.

You see, your profile shouldn’t just be a resume or a list of information you half-heartedly throw out into the ether; it should be an invitation to learn more, to continue a conversation with someone who already seems intriguing. But how to create that sort of profile?

First, write the profile as if you were talking with a friend, just to get the creative juices flowing. What sort of funny story from your recent history would you tell? After you’ve written the “friend email,” pull back and look at it critically. Is there anything you can pull from it? Is your funny story appropriate to share with someone you’ve only just met? A complicated story about work would be too lengthy; an anecdote about the time you knocked down a display of toilet paper in your haste to grab the open checkout line is just fine.

Next, remember that you’re talking to someone for the first time. Obviously, they need to know background information, so fill that in where appropriate. Don’t give dry laundry lists; write as you would if you were telling them the information in person.

When you’re writing about your ideal match, remember that the match is meant to read it, and identify with it. As such, stick to qualities that are specific (“you’re independent”) but not too physical (“you have red hair”). Try throwing out a few possibilities (“you might like bowling or trivia”). People will tend to zero in on what applies to them, and forget the rest.

Finally, end your profile with a question. That way, everyone who reads your profile will have an instant topic of conversation when they email you. Of course, the second big step to profile writing is editing; polish it up! Make sure it flows, and isn’t just a bunch of disjointed sentences. Writing a profile with a conversational style might trickier than laundry lists or resumes, but it starts the dialogue for you; the hardest work is already done!

Have you ever read an article or a book by someone and said to yourself, “This person is in my head” or “I want to be the author’s friend”? It’s not uncommon. In today’s world, professional writers have access to personal blogs and social networks. We get to know them beyond their published works. And because they’re so skilled with words, it’s not uncommon for them to appear to be the smartest, funniest, most compassionate people around.

Then people meet their favorite authors in person, at book signings or conventions, or they see them on a TV interview. And... it’s hit and miss. Sometimes that hilarious, witty personality shines through in person. Sometimes not. Sometimes what you interpreted as funny in the printed word now sounds caustic and bitter coming out of the author’s mouth. When we read, we create something - sometimes someone - in our minds. Sometimes what we’ve created matches reality - but not always.


And so it is with online dating profiles. We’re reading the words of someone else, but reading them with our voice and delivery, in our minds. The actual author might be even better than what we’ve read... or worse. This doesn’t mean that online dating is any less ingenuous than any other form of dating; indeed, since not everyone has the same strengths, often an online profile allows deeper and more candid insight than a chance meeting in person. It simply means that we can’t discount the value of meeting in person, feeling out that element of chemistry.

Every method of meeting new people has its drawbacks; whether you’re meeting someone in a bar, in a grocery store, or at the other end of the vast space of the Internet, you only get part of whole picture when you receive a first impression. In online dating, a profile can easily present the best aspects of a person, whether it’s their picture, their intelligence or their heart.

Most in the world of online dating feel that they would rather chance meeting someone with whom they have no chemistry, than pass up a great match in person based on a poor chance meeting. Indeed, it would seem that the chances of finding someone online are maximized (after all, there’s always the chance that an in-person meeting provides more chemistry than you anticipate!). Just make sure you’ve actually fallen in love with the person, not their words.