Advice

The kiss: it's a gesture that couldn't be more simple, yet it has a complicated evolutionary history.

Call it whatever you want...making out, Frenching, smooching...an Eskimo kiss, a butterfly kiss, xoxoxo...the touching of two people's lips is a move that captures our imaginations, sets our hearts racing, and, believe it or not, performs several very important biological functions. Author and scientist Sheril Kirshenbaum, in her new book The Science of Kissing, traces the history of the kiss and uncovers the vital role locking lips plays in human relationships.

Kissing, it turns out, is more than just a sign of affection or a precursor to sex. The urge to kiss is born out of thousands of years of evolution, and produces biological and chemical reactions that are essential to the formation and maintenance of human relationships, and the propagation of the species. Kirshenbaum's book takes a deep look into the origins and functions of the kiss, and is filled with fun facts like:

1. Kissing can enhance a woman's libido. Beyond its obvious usefulness during foreplay, the kiss contributes to ramping up a woman's sex drive by providing a vehicle to transfer testosterone from a man to the woman he is kissing via his saliva.
2. There is a biological reason that most people close their eyes while kissing. Closing your eyes during a kiss allows you to focus on the moment without being distracted by outside elements, and it's also an easy way to avoid the potential awkwardness of staring at your partner's face in such an up-close-and-personal way, but it serves another, deeper purpose as well. When humans lock lips, the body's autonomic nervous system goes into overdrive, causing our pupils to dilate. Their enlarged state means that an increased amount of light enters our eyes and they become more sensitive, which could partially explain our tendency to close our eyes during passionate kisses.
3. A kiss helps us evaluate the suitability of possible mates. A woman's breath while kissing can help men determine whether or not she is fertile. During menstruation, a woman's mouth carries excess bacteria, which frequently causes bad breath and is a sign that helps her kissing partners find the most fertile woman to mate with. Women also employ kissing to choose their partners, by using their senses of smell to subconsciously evaluate men's genetics. By sampling a potential mate's natural scent during a kiss, women gather vital information on a deep level about a man's reproductive status and DNA that speaks volumes about his suitability as a mate.

Check out Kirshenbaum's The Science of Kissing for more theories and fascinating facts about the origins and evolutionary imperatives of the kiss.

It’s tempting to want to start the next chapter of your life as quickly as possible, but if there’s one thing that doesn’t happen on a set schedule, it’s love. Sometimes love blossoms from friendship slowly, over a number of years, and others claim they felt it at first sight (or conversation, or date). You can’t make yourself find love, or expect to receive it, on a set schedule. Still, a line has to be drawn somewhere. When you’re waiting to find love, when does patience become unreasonable?

You may think you’ve found your match, but if they’re already attached - say, married - it’s best to continue your search elsewhere. Sure, people get divorced; relationships fall apart. Others never do, despite a seemingly negative situation. You can’t take “they don’t seem happy” as a guarantee that they’ll both leave their current partner, and turn to you when they do. Sometimes things have a fairytale way of working out, but by no means should you sit around and expect it to happen. Looking for someone available is the safest way to protect your heart, and the most logical chance for finding success.

While it’s true that love sometimes does blossom from years of friendship, that doesn’t mean you should wait around for it to happen. When people talk about falling in love after knowing each other for years, they usually mean a slow evolution wherein they go from barely knowing each other to becoming close, then falling in love. Rarely do you hear about a situation in which one person is in love from the beginning and patiently sits around for years. If it’s meant to happen, it will; in the meantime, keep looking for someone who wants love this decade.

Finally, there’s what I like to call the “Happily Ever After” person, but please don’t assume I’m only talking about women here; men fit this mold just as easily. This person is waiting for their fairy tale to begin, for their love to come swooping around the corner at the grocery store or the post office and carry them away to happiness. However, they don’t bother actually trying to meet anyone new; they expect love to just happen to them. Waiting for your new match to seek you out at home, knocking at your door, is impractical at best. Each new person you meet is a potential friend or a potential match; why not meet as many as possible?

Of course, Hollywood is full of exceptions to these rules, with dramatic storylines that encourage us to think that we could be an exception too. And maybe we are. Still, would you bet your chance at a happy, fulfilling relationship on those odds? You might win the lottery someday, but in the meantime, perhaps it’s best to pursue a living through more conventional methods. Money is still money, and love is still love.

In Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare famously asked "What's in a name?"

Modern scientists are interested in answering another question: "What's in a face?"

David Perrett, a psychologist, author, and professor at the University of Saint Andrews, has dedicated his life to studying face preferences and perception. In his new book, "In Your Face: The New Science of Human Attraction," Perrett attempts to answer questions like "What does the human face tell us about an individual's health?," "Can facial features give clues about a person's trustworthiness?," and "How do humans evaluate potential partners' faces in order to choose the best mates?"

Beauty is, in many ways, subjective - but Perrett's work has lead him to believe that attractive bodies and faces tend to conform to a few general rules.

• As we discussed in Part I of the Science of Beauty series, symmetry plays a role in the perception of beauty, though it is far from the most important factor when determining attractiveness. The WHR - or waist-to-hip ratio - also contributes to the perception of someone as beautiful.
• Humans are attracted to "averageness." When photographs of multiple human faces are averaged into a single face, the composite image is usually considered more attractive than the individual pictures. Perrett explains this finding by saying that, although the phenomenon might seem contradictory, humans seek out things that feel familiar and comfortable to them and therefore often find averageness attractive.
• Female faces are considered most attractive when they exemplify femininity. Feminine faces are distinguished by characteristics like full lips, wide eyes, and arched eyebrows. Male faces have stronger, square jaws, thinner lips, and eyebrows that are less arched and closer to the eyes. When feminine characteristics are exaggerated, the faces are rated more attractive. The same reaction is not seen towards men with more masculine faces, however - studies have found that preferences for men with masculine faces vs. men with feminine faces tend to be a matter of personal opinion for women, rather than a biological imperative.
• Humans look at faces to determine the health of potential mates. A good complexion is a sigh of good health, so people who are considered beautiful have skin that is free of blemishes, shows smooth color gradations, and has a slight youthful glow. The ruddiness of a face hints at whether or not an individual has poor blood circulation, and the yellowness of a face indicates what kind of diet the person consumes.
• Beauty is tied to fertility. As a woman's fertility declines (It peaks at age 22) and she becomes a less desirable partner, her attractiveness declines as well. Chins become more pronounced with age, giving them a more masculine appearance. Eyelids begin to droop, making the eyes appear smaller, and the brow lowers and becomes flatter. Lips lose tissue and become thinner, and the nose and ears increase in size.

In spite of all the findings that confirm his theory that attractiveness follows identifiable rules, Perrett still believes that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and love ultimately wins the day. "Our brain chemistry can break all the rules and make us drawn to one person, even if that person's visage is not perfect," he told the Los Angeles Times.

Related Story: The Science Of Beauty, Part II, Science of Beauty, Part IV

Many of us think we have an open mind when it comes to dating. But then, as we meet more and more people, it’s easier to reject our prospective loves. We think that the perfect person is out there if we’re patient and persistent enough, so what’s the point in getting to know someone who doesn’t meet all of our requirements in a partner?

We hold fast to our “lists”; that is, the list of requirements each of us makes with qualities that any partner of ours must possess. Whether it’s being a Red Sox fan or having brown eyes, we all have our preferences, and nothing less will do when it comes to picturing our ideal Mr. or Miss Right.

While I’m all for holding out until you meet “the one” (you don’t want to be miserable in a partnership after all!), I think that we adhere too much to our “lists” when it comes to filtering our dates from the “maybe” to the “no” pile. Instead of considering someone on the basis of what you think is most important to you in a relationship, (like financial success or a love of poetry), consider how you want to feel in a relationship. Superficial preferences should not be deal-breakers. They don’t determine how someone will treat you in the long-term, or how you communicate with each other in a relationship. Sure, it’s nice to connect with people who share the same interests or career goals, but this doesn’t mean they hold the key to your happiness.

Instead, think about how you like to feel in a relationship. Do you want to feel loved, respected, heard? Do you want to feel free to be yourself? These are the kind of qualities that last in the long-term. Money may come and go. You can discuss poetry with friends who share the same passion. You don’t have to get everything from one relationship. But your most important relationship should allow you to be the person you really are, and should leave you feeling supported and inspired.

So the next time you’re out on a date and discount a man because he doesn’t own his own business, or shun a girl because she doesn’t have the “look” that draws you, consider a second date. Give the person a true chance before deciding to move on. If things haven’t been working for you so far, it’s worth trying something new.

What have you got to lose?

Creating an online dating profile can be nerve-wracking, particularly if it’s your first time. It’s not uncommon to put it off as long as possible, and then finally steamroll through it in one rush, to get it over with. As with most things, rushing through writing a profile is probably one of the worst things you can do.

Now, that’s not to say you can’t sit down and fill it out in one sitting. If you’re feeling creative or happy or “in the groove,” why not? But it’s simply not a good idea to post it the second you fill out all the blank areas. For one thing, there’s the issue of basic editing: when you’ve been staring at the same thing for an hour, and you still have your “voice” in your brain, your eyes might not notice that your spell-check automatically corrected and filled in the wrong word, or that one paragraph is actually only one sentence.

The next level of editing involves applying polish. Maybe you don’t technically have any errors, but it’s a bunch of laundry lists of your likes and dislikes. Maybe it has complete sentences, but it’s about as interesting as split pea soup. When you go over your profile, ask yourself: does it stand out at all? How can you grab positive attention? Look at profiles of people you’re interested in, and note what makes them stand out to you.

Finally, when you rush through creating your online profile you’re much more likely to rush through the picture selection - and that can be scary. Hastily snapped pictures with a cell phone or a web cam can resemble a lineup at the county jail more than an invitation to say hello. Posting a funny, and mildly obscene, picture might seem like a great idea at three in the morning, but not so hilarious in the harsh light of day. And let’s face it: some days we just don’t look our best. I’ve seen many people who take one or two self-portraits when they’re exhausted, get discouraged, and use the pictures anyway because they just want to get the profile out there. If you don’t feel well about how your pictures are turning out, try it another time - it might be something as simple as a bad mood. And your mood will definitely shine through in your photos.

There’s nothing wrong with a little patience, particularly when it comes to “meeting” someone for the very first time. If you had an option, you’d probably brush your hair and dress well before meeting someone in person, right? Why not take your time creating the best first impression you can?

You’ve worked very hard to achieve career success, and often put in long hours on the job. But maybe your ambitions have caused your personal life to suffer. Perhaps it’s been months since you’ve been on a date, or signed up with on online dating site. You find that work just takes up too much time, and hope that someday your future girlfriend or boyfriend will cross your path when it’s convenient for you.

Unfortunately, that’s usually not how life works.

Sometimes opportunities come along when we aren’t looking. And other times we have to dedicate time to other pursuits besides work that are important to us. Career is only one aspect of our lives. Relationships, friendships, and family are just as important. But these bonds need to be created and nurtured. There must be a balance.

If you find yourself unable to schedule time to check your new online dating matches, schedule a few coffee dates, or otherwise pursue a relationship, you’re going to have a difficult time finding the right person. If you can’t make time for a date, how can you make sufficient time for a relationship?

Technology allows us to stay very connected. It also allows our networks to grow. Instead of using these tools for business only, try using them towards your love life. Set aside 30 minutes each day (perhaps during lunch) to check your online matches. Set aside 2 nights per week to have drinks with dates. Attend one new networking event or party a week. Pay attention to your Facebook circles, and reach out. Don’t get frustrated that you may have to do this for several weeks or months before meeting someone special. Just do it, and stick to your schedule. You’ll find that putting time into your personal life helps your work life flow more easily as well.

The main point is that in order to achieve your desired results (a relationship), you must put in the time. There is no way to avoid it. Life is about balance, and if you spend all of it involved in work or a career pursuit, you could miss a great relationship that’s right in front of you.

Instead of putting your personal life on hold until it’s the right time, make time for it now. Besides, you never know who you might meet.