Advice

"Put aside what you used to think and get ready to have a very different view about the single people in your life. They're not who you think they are."

With that lofty pronouncement, Match.com set out to "separate fact from fiction with the first comprehensive study of singles in America." We covered some of their findings in the last post, and now it's time to move on to a little myth-busting so spectacular that it would make Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage a little jealous.

Myth #1: Women are clingier and more needy in relationships than men are.

Busted: Match.com found that women actually need more independence in relationships than men do. Women, across every age group, were more likely to report needing things like personal space, vacations without their partner, and nights out with the girls.

Myth #2: Men aren't interested in getting married and having children.

Busted: Men and women are equally inclined towards marriage - both 33% of women and 33% of men said that they want to get married. And as far as children go, among singles without kids, more men (24%) than women (15%) expressed interest in becoming parents.

Myth #3: Sex becomes less important with age.

Busted: Older men and women are in fact less likely to choose between love and sexual attractiveness in order to have a committed relationship. Older singles also reported finding sex within a committed relationship more satisfying than singles in other age groups.

Myth #4: Being a single parent ruins your love life.

Busted: In reality, single parents go on more dates than singles without children, and more single parents are currently dating someone (21%) than those without kids (16%).

Myth #5: Modern youth are promiscuous.

Busted: The 21-34 age group contains the largest percentage of people who said that they had never had sex. 24% of men and 23% of women in that age range claimed to be virgins, to be exact.

Myth #6: Saying "I love you" is a serious commitment.

Busted: Only 14% of singles think that "I love you" means "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Another 31% believe it means "I want you in my life," 30% consider it to mean "I care about you," and 19% believe those infamous 3 words mean "I want to have a committed relationship with you."

Myth #7: Unemployment decreases your chances of finding love.

Busted: As long as you bring other things to the table, 50% of singles said that they would be open to dating someone unemployed if they found the person interesting.

Myth #8: Casual hookups never lead to relationships.

Busted: Advice columnist Dan Savage is fond of saying that most relationships are just "one night stands that stick" and, according to Match.com, he appears to have a point - 36% of singles said they are open to casual hookups, and 54% have had one night stands. All in all, 35% of singles claimed to have had one night stands that turned into long term relationships.

So next time you think you know what a new date is all about, think again - singles in 2011 are not who you think they are.

For more information on the dating site mentioned in this post, you can read our Match.com review.

Usually when we discuss first dates and conversation, we focus on the icebreakers, the small talk. For some people, that’s all they need to worry about; once they get back the initial awkwardness, they can relax and get to know their date. However, there are some people who never fully relax. I’ll call these people the “Interviewers.” These people treat all interaction like an interview for a job position, whether they’re the one doing the questioning or answering. Their questions and answers are calculated, or at least they attempt to be. They’re either looking for “wrong” answers, or they’re trying to avoid giving one.

The tendency to want to “win” or “get the right answers” in dating occasionally surfaces in strange ways. I knew a girl who agreed to a date at a place she’d only vaguely heard of. She didn’t know exactly where it was, and she couldn’t figure it out using the Internet. And she absolutely refused to email her date and ask for more specific directions. “I already told him I knew where it was!” she said. “If I email him now, he’ll think I’m a moron!”

A man I once knew became very well-versed in scrapbooking. His rationale was that if he was familiar with a hobby women liked, he’d always be able to talk about it at dates, or maybe even meet women at scrapbooking events. While this may have been true, he also couldn’t stand scrapbooking! Cultivating a hobby you’re not even interested in is misguided at best, and maybe even a little creepy.

When meeting someone, it’s important to remember that you’re not trying to win a battle or a race; you’re trying to find someone truly compatible. And what does that mean? You’re looking for someone for the long haul: maybe marriage, maybe children, or “just” a friend and companion for the ages. Do you want to spend years with someone you “duped” with the right answers? More importantly, will the relationship even last if you’re not truly compatible?

Some people think that the world of online dating can be conquered by having a good profile. Once they polish up that profile and send it out into the ether, they think, the prospective dates will be lining up! Well, it might work that way in a perfect world; it might even work that way for a very few, very lucky people. However, for the rest of us, there’s still work to be done when the profile is complete.

Imagine you’ve written the next great novel. It really is fantastic; you’re not biased. And when you’ve edited the last word, you print the whole thing out carefully and store it on your bookshelf. Patiently, you wait for fans and media and critics to beat down your door with acclaim. Obviously, that would be a silly expectation; your novel is not published, and you haven’t tried to bring it to the attention of publishers or readers in any way. Just having it completed, out in the world, is not enough.

In online dating, your profile might be available to be read, but only if someone happens to stumble across it with the right search combination. How can you make it available to a wider audience?

Mostly, it means you have to take the first step. Whether you’re a man or a woman, the advice applies equally: if you want your profile read, particularly by people you’re interested in, you’re just going to have to make the first move. A first-contact email is short and sweet; it asks a simple question or two and is basically a glorified “hi.” But the first thing the recipient will do is go back and read the profile. Suddenly, all the work is worth it; you’re making your intended first impression.

Why not just send a nudge or a nod? you wonder. Well, while it’s true that it’s probably better than nothing, the fact is that little pokes and winks are over-used and sometimes even cleared out without checking who sent them. Besides, it’s the equivalent of a half-smile in person. If you’re interested enough to think about elbowing them, why not take the five minutes and send an email that shows you’ve actually read their profile, and are a real, breathing, non-scamming person?

Some dating sites like to combine social networking. If that’s the case, take full advantage of that too, commenting and participating. The best way to maximize your chances of success in online dating is to fully embrace it. If you’ve gone to the trouble to make a fantastic profile, why not jump in with both feet and make sure it’s seen?

Do all races prefer to date within their own ethnic group? And what does that mean for the dating world?

OkCupid's research into the racial bias and racial composition of its members found that white members of the online dating site prefer to message other white users. This preference might be intentional, or it might not. It might be caused by a racial bias - conscious or unconscious - or be a result of the fact that white members outnumber users of other ethnic backgrounds on the site. One thing, however, is clear from OkCupid's research: "Given equal choice, every race strongly prefers itself." The data looks like this:

Preference For Own Race vs. Random Individual Of Another Race

• Whites: 2.9x
• Blacks: 4.3x
• Latinos: 4.2x
• Asians: 11.5x

White members actually prefer themselves the least, in comparison to other ethnic groups, but they represent such a large percentage of the online dating population that it's impossible for white users to avoid connecting with other white users unless they are content with dating pools that are much, much smaller.

To see what would happen if circumstances were different, if another race outnumbered whites 19:1, the OkCupid team ran a simulation in which Asians were the dominant group, and all other users were in the minority. Under those circumstances, Asian users would send messages to other Asian users 98% percent of the time, and would also be the most popular message recipients for users of all other ethnic backgrounds (White senders: 74%, Latino senders: 71%, Black senders: 66%). Insularity, according to OkCupid's findings, is common across all cultures.

This insularity, Christian Rudder notes, becomes especially clear when you take a look at cities with larger non-white user bases. As their numbers increase, members of minority populations tend to become increasingly inward-looking. In the 150 cities with the most black users, black members send 2.5% more messages to each other for every 1% increase in the black population. In Baltimore, for instance, 1 out of every 5 users is black, but half of the messages from black users are sent to other black users - a rate that is more than twice what would be expected.

The hypothetical scenarios Rudder and OkCupid created for this experiment will not be hypothetical for much longer, and soon much of this data is likely to become reality. According to the Census Bureau, white people will no longer be the majority in the United States by approximately the year 2050, although that projection doesn't necessarily mean we have a post-racial future to look forward to. Even with increased equality amongst races, OkCupid's research indicates that "people still like to date someone who looks like they do," so that "even when white people aren't the majority, society will be as divided as ever."

Chances are, when you’re choosing a user name for an online dating site, you keep a few factors in mind. You might try to think of something catchy, something that won’t be forgotten easily. You probably want to select a name that reflects you in some way, such as your interests or personality. And you want to make sure the message you send is positive - that your name doesn’t imply, say, an obnoxious personality.

These are all good and valid points to keep in mind. Once you begin to think about it, finding just the right user name can be difficult - almost like choosing a new identity. Thus, when some people land on just the right user name, they keep it - and use it everywhere. And that’s one point that many people don’t consider when they’re constructing their online dating profile: that they might want to keep the name original.

Let’s say you have a user name you love and use everywhere. You’ve been emailing a potential match, but you haven’t told them about your blog, your Facebook, or your Twitter. No problem - all they have to do is a simple key word search of your user name, and they can find everything themselves. Without your knowledge, your potential match could be reading about your opinions on your first date - or maybe your opinions on a date with someone else.

Granted, it’s probably not a good idea to go blabbing the details of a date, particularly if you feel you have a shot with this potential match. And there’s always a chance you’ll somehow be found out regardless - the Internet can be a small world. However, if you absolutely can’t resist sharing all the details, you’re far better off if your social media name does not match your online dating user name.

As you create an online dating profile, think about your user name. It should reflect you and your personality; can it be used to identify you and locate your social media? After all, it would be a shame if a potential relationship were thwarted by over-sharing.

When I was a child in school, I don’t recall having very many people I’d call “acquaintances.” There were friends, people I liked. There were people I didn’t like. And there were people I didn’t know. The kids in class who didn’t fall into the friend or enemy category were people I didn’t know well - and for all intents and purposes, that was pretty much the same as not knowing them at all. We wouldn’t stop in the hall and exchange pleasantries if we saw each other. And, perhaps more interestingly, what little they did know of me, observed from class, was genuine.

Now, as an adult, I have many acquaintances. These are people I would stop and speak to in the grocery store, and I would probably vaguely ask how they are doing - because I know very few specifics about their lives. We might chat about whatever season it is, or maybe something related to whatever organization we know each other through. I don’t actually feel like they know the “real me,” however, and I don’t know the “real them,” and that’s why I don’t consider them friends.

It seems the older we become, the easier it is to slip into surface relationships and small talk. When you train yourself to use the same light conversation, day after day, regardless of who you meet, revealing the authentic side of yourself to a new person can be difficult. How can you break free of the confines of small talk, and really get to know a potential match?

Well, first it’s important to remember to start small. A first-contact email is not the place to pour out your heart and soul. If, however, your potential match responds and seems interested, you might want to consider leaving talk of the weather behind.

So what do you do? The best way way to really open up, be yourself and forge a friendship is to take an interest in the person you’re talking to. When you’re worrying about how people see you, you’re self-conscious and self-focused. Instead, remember that conversations happen between two equally interesting and important people. Ask questions, and listen to the answers. Chances are, the conversation will progress naturally, and you’ll answer a few questions of your own - honestly.

It’s strange - children in grade school don’t need to be “taught” these tips about making friends. They form fast friendships, seemingly instinctively. Brushing up on schoolyard rules can remind us what friendship is really about - and most enduring romantic relationships contain a strong friendship as well. So when you next meet a potential match for the first time, think about the other person - and wind up presenting a self free of surface talk.