Advice

We've already talked about the royal wedding, and a few questions you should ask yourself before getting engaged. But we're just getting started. Before making the massive commitment of saying "I Do," consider your responses to the following checklist:

1. Am I prepared to fully play the role of husband or wife? Being someone's spouse is different than being a boyfriend, girlfriend, or fiance. Even if you've been together for years, marriage brings new responsibilities and new challenges to the relationship that you must be prepared to face.
2. Am I ready to take on the financial responsibility? Be completely open about your current financial situation with your partner, and thoroughly discuss your plans for the financial future. It is essential that you're both on the same page when it comes to handling the financial challenges that will come your way.
3. Do I want children? Does my future spouse? As with finances, it's vital that you and your fiance are in agreement when it comes to starting a family. Do you both want children? At what age do you want to have them? How do you plan to raise them? Settle as many issues surrounding children as possible before having them, so that no unpleasant surprises appear after you have a family to care for.
4. Are our future goals in alignment? If one of you wants to dedicate their life to fighting poverty in Africa and the other enjoys living the high life in big cities, a life-long relationship is probably doomed to failure. Talk in depth about what you both want to achieve in life, and make sure that your goals are complementary.
5. What makes this person The One? "Love" is powerful, but it should not be your sole answer to this question. Why, out of every relationship you've been in, is this the relationship you'd like to commit to being in for the rest of your life? Make sure you're marrying for the right reasons, not because you're caving to societal pressure or the wishes of someone else.

Before walking down the aisle, commit to being a mature, loving, and dedicated spouse, who is up to the task of facing whatever challenges marriage brings. Make sure that your fiance is prepared to make the same commitment. And promise each other that, whatever comes your way, you are ready to grow together, to evolve into better people and stronger partners over your lifetime together.

Many singles join online dating sites soon after they divorce or separate from their former spouses. While I encourage moving on with your life after a break-up, I also suggest you assess where you're at after such a traumatic and life-changing event. We often need more time to heal than we think.

While there is no hard and fast rule about how long to wait before you get serious again, if you are online dating, it's important to be honest about how you're feeling and what you expect from a relationship. In other words, if you're just looking for a casual relationship with no expectations, you have to consider your date: is he or she after the same thing? Or does he want something more?

Perhaps you are looking for comfort because you're lonely, or you're looking for distraction from your pain. These feelings are all part of the grieving process, but it's important to be clear about your expectations with your dates from the beginning. I would say it's likely that most of your dates are looking for something more.

I suggest holding off on dating until you're emotionally in a better place and ready to commit to someone again, but if you want to jump back in and just test the waters, let your dates know in advance there's no future. Remember, in any relationship there are always another person's feelings to consider, not just your own.

On the other hand, if you're looking to get serious again quickly, it could be that you're afraid to be alone. Dating when you're feeling vulnerable in this way isn't a healthy move for you or your dates. Instead of trying your best to replace someone you lost, use this time to get to know yourself again, apart from being in a relationship. It's a time for growth and renewal. And often, we see ourselves most clearly when we are alone, along with what makes us truly happy.

Bottom line? Refrain from looking at dating as an escape from working through your pain. Regardless of whether or not you desire a serious relationship, if you are putting yourself in the dating pool, you have other people to consider who may have different expectations and wants. Dating isn't a means to escape from another person, it's a way for two people to come together. Make sure that you are honest with yourself and with your dates.

Perceptions of what’s considered “attractive” change over time. A few hundred years ago, women were plucking their hairline to achieve a high forehead; of course, those women who were naturally “blessed” with a higher hairline were in for less pain. Nowadays, though, those same women would probably opt for bangs. In the 80’s, you were lucky if you had curly hair that didn’t need a perm; today, the straighter, the better. And that’s just hair alone! Still, whatever the standard, there’s no doubt that some people will be born fitting it more easily than others. So what about the rest of us?

Well, you can try to ft the “look” of the moment. There’s no doubt that fitting into a certain “scene” will probably make you look more attractive to other members of the same scene. But what if that’s just not you? How can you amp up your attractiveness factor without being a slave to the fashion of the day?

Put simply, it’s confidence. Self-esteem. The better you feel about yourself, the better you look. And, of course, looking better makes you feel better about yourself... It’s a happy little cycle of confidence, if you can get it going. And here’s a few tricks to help you along.

First, get clean and pulled together. Why muddle the hair you slept on into something decent today when you could just start fresh? You don’t have to go all-out, but having your hair combed, feeling clean and fresh, and with fresh clothes all do wonders for both your attractiveness and how you’re feeling about yourself.

Next, move on to your closet. Now, everyone has clothes that they know are more flattering, that make them feel more confident, and sloppier clothes that they wear around the house. For some mysterious reason, the more flattering clothes are often less frequently worn. The question is, why? No matter your personal style, why do we wear the clothes that make us feel worse more often? “Well, I’m just running to the grocery store,” we might say. And we don’t deserve to feel nice at the grocery store?

Whether your version of looking “nice” is just a more flattering pair of jeans and a better-fitting t-shirt or something more inventive, try to wear what makes you feel good, regardless of that day’s destination. Is it a tiny, tiny baby step? Yes. But over time, it really does add up. Even if we don’t naturally fit the trend of the season, we can still present the best version of ourselves.

The Ultimate Soulmate Summit brought together 21 of the world's most respected relationship experts on Valentine's Day 2011. If you weren't one of the 60,000 people who attended the teleseminar series, but you are one of the millions of people searching for their soulmate, Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz recapped the highlights of the convention. We've already reviewed Day One through Day Five, so lets dive straight in to what you missed during the second half of the webinar:

Day Six: Evan Marc Katz, dating coach

When filling out an online dating profile, think of five core adjectives that describe you - then don't use any of them. Give interesting examples that illustrate them instead. Don't be too choosy, but don't compromise on two things: character and consistency.

Day Seven: Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Stop looking for chemistry and start searching for compatibility. The sweep-you-off-your-feet Prince Charming types are only found in Disney fairytales, and refusing to settle for anyone who doesn't live up to that standard is likely to leave you single. A lasting marriage is built on flexibility, compromise, and a shared vision for the future.

Day Eight: Pat Allen, marriage counselor

The polarity between masculine energy and feminine energy is responsible for creating harmony and desire. Therefore, a woman who wants to attract a masculine man must embrace her feminine side, and a man who is interested in feminine women must embrace his masculinity.

Day Nine: Jean Houston, mythologist

In Plato's Symposium, Aristophanes tells a story about the origin of love, in which he explains that humans, once upon a time, were two beings in one body. The beings were split in two, and now we are driven by love to find our other halves. Houston advises becoming a living force of love by allowing the spiritual concept of The Beloved, "the great archetype of love," to "be your guiding essence."

Day Ten: Arielle Ford, author of The Soulmate Secret

Find your soulmate by creating a soul mate wishlist. Outline exactly what you want in a partner, and your vision for your life together. Believe that you deserve and will find "The One," and conduct affirmations called "feelingizations" to reinforce that belief.

Day Eleven: Claire Zammit, co-creator of The Feminine Power Courses

Don't lose yourself in waiting for love to happen - focus on actively becoming who you really are. Rather than obsessing over your need to find love, dedicate yourself to being a source of love in the world.

When some people have been involved in online dating for awhile, it’s not uncommon for them to suddenly become interested in statistics and averages, at least as they pertain to online dating. Suddenly there are comparisons all around - am I get enough email responses? What’s my percentage of replies? How about dates? Now what about second dates? Do I fit within the norm?

Relying too much on statistics is rarely healthy, and this time it’s no exception. Relationships are interactions between two unique people. Think about every relationship you’ve ever had - not even just romantic, but friends and family, too. Do all of your relationships play out in the same way? What about all your friendships? If you’re not even getting consistency when one of the people involved is the same throughout, why would you compare yourself to hundreds of other people who aren’t you?

Not only are the people involved different, but so are the life circumstances, the age, the location, the available dating pool. It might be easier to a greater number of compatible people in a city - if your wants and needs are compatible with city-dwelling people, that is. If you long for a family and a quiet house in the suburbs, it might be more difficult than it would for someone already living in a small town.

It’s easy to get frustrated and say “I’m not getting as many responses as I think I should be getting,” but it’s also easy to say something like, “I’m not getting hit on as much as that high-school girl at the mall.” Maybe not, but are you even looking for high-school boys in the first place?

So what can you do? Well, if you’re dissatisfied with your results, you can certainly try shaking things up a bit. Edit your profile, try a different site, or broaden the sort of people you send emails to. If it seems that no one within a hundred miles of you even uses online dating sites, try finding out where singles do go. Sure, the local country bar may not be your “scene,” but if everyone is dragged there you might meet someone else who doesn’t “fit.”

However, if you’re getting responses, and they just don’t seem to be as many or as frequent you’d like, try a little more patience. Remember, ultimately you don’t need twenty responses; you just need one. The right one.

The mantra “50 is the new 40” has caught on among those approaching mid-life, and rightly so. Most are healthy, physically active, and life expectancies are on the rise. They are also established in their careers. Do these factors mean that traditional preferences of dating someone close to your age really matter?

For some, age preference is based on whether or not they want to start a family, and for others, it’s a cultural divide. But many singles are starting to date others who are ten, fifteen, or even twenty years older or younger. Regardless of where you currently stand on the subject, the real question is, what are your priorities when it comes to forming a relationship, and should age enter the equation?

If having a family is your top priority, of course age matters. But many women are now having children into their 40’s, and some younger women have fertility issues despite their youth. If you have a strict requirement, like you won’t date women older than 30 because you want a family, you may want to broaden your search to 35 or 38.

For others, there may be a cultural divide. If you date younger women but find that you don’t have much in common, it may be time to rethink your strategy. Sometimes it’s a matter of the influence of our friends and family have over us. People from different backgrounds meet and fall in love every day, but for some this presents a significant hurdle. For instance, if you start dating an older woman and introduce her to your family, will they judge you? Are you worried about the rude comments your friends might make when you’re with them? It’s necessary to consider these factors and how they make you feel, but remember: it’s your life and you are the one living it. Don’t surrender your own happiness to please someone else.

Older daters have other issues to consider. If you are a divorcee in your fifties, do you want to date men who are 70 and may have health concerns in a few years? Or should you consider each man individually before you decide to write off all 70 year-olds?

I think that for the most part, age shouldn’t be a determining factor in whether or not you date someone. People fall in love every day with the partners they least expect. Consider what you want in a relationship, and take it from there. After all, if you’re a 31 year-old woman who won’t date men older than 36, then you could be missing out on the fantastic 42 year-old who would be a great partner for you. Do you want to take that chance?