Dating

I will always be the first to say that I have a pretty sweet gig. I get to read, write, and coach people about relationships every single day, which is exactly what I've always wanted to do. The downside is that I'm also bombarded with online dating tips from other experts and coaches every...single...day...which, if I'm being honest, can get a little boring.

Sometimes I like to mix it up a little. Sometimes I like to hear from people who aren't your average 'dating experts' and 'love coaches.' That's where Damona Hoffman and Sarah Monson come in. They may consider themselves dating experts now, but once upon a time they were toiling away in an entirely different career: Hollywood casting director.

One worked on 'some wildly popular prime-time hits' as well as a few 'pilots that never saw the light of day.' The other took what she learned as a casting director about developing a personal brand for actors and transformed it into advice for online daters.

So what did casting teach these ladies about life and love?

Lesson 1: Guys Are Never As Tall As They Say They Are

Ok, so it's not just guys. There's a lot of white lying going on online, and men and women are both at fault. Subtract a few pounds here, add a couple of inches there...what's the harm, right? There are certainly worse lies you could tell, but the truth is that it's always better to avoid the lies in the first place.

Lesson 2: A First Date Is Just Like a Reality Show Audition, Minus the Background Check

No matter what guidelines you sent out, you still might end up with someone totally different from what you expected. Maybe you'll get lucky, and it'll turn out that what you needed wasn't what you thought you were looking for. But maybe you won't. In that case, you could try ducking all the post-date phone calls, but it's better to be an adult about it. Let them down gently, but be honest and clear about your feelings.

Lesson 3: Most People Have No Idea How To Advertise Who They Are Or What They're Looking For

Think of yourself as a product. Online dating is the release of the premium version of the 'You' product after years of beta testing. Identify your strongest assets, then design a marketing plan for your profile that presents those assets to potential dates. Understand your product inside and out, so you know exactly what's going to make a casting director or future date say "Yes! That's the one!"

If you ever want to get a heated argument going, or a million responses with absolutely no consensus, just ask one question: What is the appropriate length of time before a relationship becomes “serious”? So serious that you’re talking a long-term commitment like marriage?

Chances are, you’ll hear everything under the sun. You’ll hear oddly specific but arbitrary amounts of time, like “five months” or “a year and a half.” You’ll hear touching sentiments, like “As soon as you know you can’t live without the other person.” You might hear vaguely gloomy pronouncements like “You can never know, and the odds are stacked against you, so whenever you feel up to making that gamble, I guess.”

Most of all, though, you’ll hear anecdotes. You’ll hear about the couple who got engaged after five weeks and ultimately divorced, and the couple who got married after two weeks and stayed together the rest of their lives. You’ll hear about “love at first sight” and celebrity marriages that crumbled after days. If the person you’re talking to is or was ever in a relationship, you’ll hear the details on that and how that’s shaped their perception of what a lasting relationship requires.

You’ll hear a bunch of noise, but chances are, it won’t be very helpful. Simply put, every person is different, with different strengths and different blind spots. They’re in a relationship with another unique person, who brings their own set of factors. You could even factor in the current circumstances (the reason you hear things like, “The right people, the wrong time”). Thus, every relationship is slightly different from the next.

So, what is the appropriate length of time before you get serious? Perhaps the real answer is a mishmash of everything you’ve heard. There’s certainly no hard-and-fast rule. Maybe you’ll “know when you know,” or maybe you’re the kind of person who just has to make that “gamble.” The one thing you do know is yourself; you know if you’re the kind of person who tends to make impetuous decisions. You know if you’re the sort of person who never feels one hundred percent about a decision until it’s made. You know if this is something typical for you, or wholly different.

And, of course, you know how you feel about your partner, and hopefully you’re communicating with them about this as well. You can’t go by a pre-ordained length of time to know if the two of you are ready for the next step, but you can know if you’re ready to take that “gamble” together. You can survey hundreds of people and just get more noise; ultimately you and your partner are the only two opinions that matter.

Guys, are you looking for a virtual wingman? How about someone who always seems to date the hottest women around? Antonio Sabato Jr.'s new blog may be the answer to getting your love life on track and improving your pick-up skills in the dating department.

Sabato has launched a new dating advice blog for men through the matchmaking site AnastasiaDate.com entitled: Under the Sheets: Tips from A Celebrity Wingman. Utilizing his skills from dating celebrities like Pamela Anderson, Madonna, and Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sabato provides tools, techniques, and tips to finding and wooing the woman of your dreams.

His partnership with AnastasiaDate.com is no doubt influencing his opinions. Instead of advising men on how to pick up women at bars, he's advising how to speak to them online. "Guys today are taking the wrong approach to dating - from how to speak to a woman to where to meet her," he says. "They just don't get it, and somehow they still think that the best way to meet women is in a crowded bar or sweaty dance club. They don't understand that dating has evolved way beyond that these days, especially online where the options are endless, and men truly can find their perfect match."

Sabato's first post shows that he's not just relying on his good looks and six-pack abs, but on his conversational and flirting skills, too. "How to flirt" provides tips on how to strike up a conversation that holds her attention, and I must admit he's spot on in his assessment. He claims that men tend to provide facts about themselves to attract women, whereas women are looking for that emotional connection or spark.

"To women, that fact-based conversation is boring. They've had it a hundred times with a hundred other guys. You, though, are going to be different. Always start a conversation with banter - make it fun," he writes.

He then goes on to provide two examples of conversations - one that will likely go nowhere and another that is more engaging and flirtatious. Of course, it seems like a no-brainer when you look at them both, but how many times have you opted for the "safer" route when engaging with someone new? "Where are you from?" is an easy question to ask because it doesn't require work. But when you're online, you have access to a lot of information because you can read the profile of a potential date. He advises that you show that you have been paying attention and ask questions that relate to her interests like, "what made you take that trip to Fiji a few months ago?" You'll get a lot further.

You can read more of Sabato's dating advice on AnastasiaDate.com.

Are you looking for something a little different when it comes to meeting new people? In New York, there's a new twist on the coffee date that you might want to try.

Instead of asking one of your online matches to meet over a cup of coffee, what if you just cut to the chase and met potential dates directly through your local barista? Nancy Slotnik believes a more personal touch is needed when it comes to meeting potential romantic partners, and so she founded Matchmaker Café in New York.

Single customers are invited to drop by her pop-up café in the Financial District and check in with the barista, who also acts as the matchmaker. If you're interested in meeting people, the barista takes your picture and adds it to her database.

It's not exactly hand-picked matchmaking though. The matches are made with the help of technology, not a yenta. Matchmaker Café provides a database and an app to help you sift through your choices, which isn't such a personal touch. But what else would you do as you drink your coffee before your 9am meeting?

Customers have a number of ways of browsing the database of potential coffee date matches. You can subscribe to Matchmaker Café's online app, which launched last November and offers in-person introductions by a matchmaker. (Information for your dating profile is pulled from your Facebook account.) There are currently about 3,000 members. If you're feeling really motivated, you can also pay $5 for three phone introductions or $10 for ten, until the pop-up café closes on Labour Day.

According to Slotnick, the idea is to connect locals with each other and get them offline and meeting face to face, even if it's just for a brief coffee.

Considering all of the mobile dating apps available to meet people nearby, this is another interesting concept to get singles in the same area, who stop by the same neighborhood cafes and pubs, to meet each other face to face. Not many people know their neighbors as well as they know the people in their Twitter feeds. Maybe pop-up concepts like Matchmaker Café can help to change that.

This isn't Slotnick's first attempt at matchmaking via coffee. In 1996, she founded Drip Café, which let customers sift through binders of dating profiles. If a guest found someone he or she wanted to meet, then for a small fee, the café would help arrange a meeting.

People have mixed reactions to the café, but it is getting a lot of buzz and already has gained a following. Would you visit a pop-up café like this one?

Reports have come out recently that the widow of Steve Jobs is back in the dating pool, and is seeing former D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty.

Dating again after a devastating loss such as death or divorce is not easy. In fact, many people wait years before they feel comfortable enough to go out on a first date or even consider joining an online dating site. It's difficult to give of yourself emotionally when you've suffered such a huge loss.

So what can you do if you want to move on? And how do you know if you're really ready?

I think many people are afraid to begin the process of finding a new relationship. It's one thing to work through your grief and come to a good place in your life as a single person, but it's another thing to think about a relationship with someone new. Some people tend to avoid working through the process of healing, and jump immediately into a new relationship to avoid being alone.

Here are a few signs to tell if you're truly ready for that next relationship:

You've worked through your grief. It's scary to go from being part of a couple to on your own. Some people respond to this by jumping head first into a relationship immediately after losing the last one. Unfortunately, this doesn't give you a chance to process what happened. It's important to work through your grief, anger, and other issues that surface when you've lost a partner. It's also important to know who you are on your own, outside of a relationship. You are a different person than you were before, and it's good to acknowledge and embrace that.

You are happy on your own. This might sound cliché, but it's important to get to know yourself as a single person. Try hobbies that are new to you, do some traveling to places you've always dreamed of visiting. Test the waters to see what you might enjoy in your new life. Cultivate those interests you have that bring you joy, whether it's skiing or cooking or painting. When you see what brings you joy, and you pursue it, then a relationship is a bonus, not something you need.

You leave the past behind. Instead of thinking my ex used to order this for dinner, start on a clean slate. Making comparisons doesn't add to your life and sense of well-being going forward. Nobody will be like your former partner, so try to see each person in a new light. It will help you be more open to love.

You are emotionally available. There's a big difference between dating because you're feeling lonely and dating because you want the experience of a new relationship. If you're not willing to give someone else your love and attention, then you probably shouldn't be looking for a relationship.

You will know. There's something to be said for listening to your gut. If you feel that you aren't ready, then don't allow others to push you towards dating. If you do feel ready, then don't wait for the most "appropriate" time to start - just go for it!

Chances are, when you sign up for a dating site, love is your primary focus, not friendship. However, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, there are many reasons to keep good old-fashioned friendship first and foremost in your mind.

First of all, regardless of whether you’ve had successful romantic relationships in the past, chances are you’ve had a few successful long-term friendships. The concept of making friends is something familiar to you, and thus less stressful. You have a solid idea of what you’re looking for when you’re looking for a friend, and you’re more likely to trust your gut instincts.

By primarily focusing on whatever you’d look for in a friend, you’re forcing yourself to read profiles more closely. Some tend to scan profiles and set aside only the most attractive prospects. While attraction is definitely still a factor, using a photo to form your first impression can potentially impair your judgment; for example, you might give a profile more deliberation than it deserves because the person is attractive. You won’t be able to close your eyes at the pictures entirely, but simply setting out with a different goal in mind might cause you to look at everything slightly differently.

Physical attraction, or more specifically, chemistry, is absolutely important in a romantic relationship, and one of the reasons meeting in person as soon as possible is encouraged. However, there are many factors in a successful relationship, and chemistry is just one of them. By searching for a “friend,” you’re searching for someone who has something going for them in addition to chemistry. In essence, you’re upping your chances of finding someone compatible because you’ve identified additional traits you admire or share.

Ultimately, the only way to predict physical compatibility is to meet in person. So why waste your time trying to predict it via online profiles? Perhaps you should use the time to identify potential friends, instead. The chances of finding someone with whom you’ll share a physical spark might be similar, but perhaps you’ll walk away with a few platonic friendships, as well.