Communication

Making a good online impression is really an art. Do you consider yourself an online Casanova? Are you able to email with matches endlessly, but are too intimidated to ask for a real date? Let's face it. You know that at some point, the online interaction needs to cease and you should meet face to face, because how else are you going to see if you're really a match?

Some people are talented wordsmiths while others might not feel so comfortable writing as they do speaking to someone in person or over the phone. When it comes to online dating, this shouldn't matter. Because the last thing you want to do is correspond with potential online dates for weeks or months at a time, when you should be meeting them as quickly as possible.

Many people have asked me how long they should email before asking somebody out over an online dating site. I recognize that you are strangers and it's good to feel comfortable with someone before agreeing to meet in person. However, if you wait too long, you are missing out on some great opportunities.

Technology has kicked online and mobile dating into high gear. You don't have to be at home in front of your computer in order to message or meet someone. Now, you can reach them in seconds via your phone - through instant chat, mobile apps, or even Facebook and Twitter. This means that people are meeting each other all the time. So what's to stop them from asking someone else out on a date?

It used to be acceptable for people to correspond over email for weeks at a time before actually meeting in person. But now, people don't have the patience or inclination. It's much better if you ask somebody out after one or two emails, three at the most. If you wait much longer, you risk that person meeting and dating someone else. You also risk forming an emotional attachment to somebody you might not have chemistry with in person.

I have met several men who were amazing over email - witty, charming, engaging - but then when I met them in person it was like they were complete strangers. We didn't banter, or they didn't appear to be interested in me, or they weren't the type of man I pictured as we were writing each other. In other words, I had high expectations based on a picture in my mind. If I would have met them sooner, before I became smitten with them over email, my disappointment over our real-life encounter wouldn't have been so devastating.

The bottom line: Ask him/her out, sooner rather than later. If you get on well in person, there's nothing stopping you from exchanging some amazing emails with each other later.

For those new to online dating, one of the most frustrating aspects is the waiting. Specifically, waiting for a response after you’ve sent a first-contact email. It can be tempting to check your email over and over, particularly if your potential match is someone who really caught your eye. What you don’t realize at the beginning is that you might never get a response. Ever.

It can seem unnaturally cold; after all, you’ve gone through the trouble of writing a first-contact email, so why can’t they trouble themselves enough to send a “thanks, but no thanks”? Surely just knowing one way or the other is better than wondering, right?

Well, maybe, maybe not. You see, everyone is different, and everyone handles rejection (and doling out rejection themselves) differently. There are definite upsides to the “no news is bad news” scenario.

First of all, once you become familiar with the concept that a non-response is a negative one, it doesn’t seem quite so confusing or mean. Everyone else understands what this means; it’s just another way of saying no. You can interpret the strength of that no to whatever you’re comfortable with. After all, let’s consider the alternative - getting an email that clearly says they’re not interested:

Now you have to deal with tone. Is a “thanks but no thanks” trying to be gentle, or curt? Someone might feel they have to actually give a reason for their rejection; are you prepared to read something like, “Sorry, but you’re just too short/dark-haired/out of shape/ordinary”? No matter how polite the author tries to be, there’s a chance you’ll overanalyze each and every word, fretting over the smallest critique. There’s a reason cliches develop, and it’s partly because we don’t always want to hear a stream of consciousness.

Then there’s the awkward uncertainty of what to do next. Many people, after receiving a rejection email, feel compelled to write back. This is almost always a bad idea. Perhaps they’re arguing with the criticisms from the previous article, or trying to prove their not-so-potential-match wrong. They might be angry. Or maybe they just aren’t sure how to close the conversation, like a person on the phone who doesn’t know how to wrap up a call. Imagine you’re someone who’s sent a rejection email in the past, and then had people bargaining or arguing in return! Suddenly just ignoring a message you’re not interested in doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

The good news is, by understanding that a lack of an email is a no, you can adjust your own behavior accordingly. Instead of waiting by the keyboard for each individual response, you can move on and send more first-contact emails. Instead of spending extra energy wondering about the whys and reasons, you can understand that it’s best to move on. After all, a first-contact email is little more than a smile and a “hello;” why worry over every person who doesn’t smile back?

In online dating, the profile is essentially the “first impression,” but what’s the point if no one sees it? Hence, the invention of the first-contact email. It serves as a pre-first impression; think of it as seeing someone from across a crowded room. Do you want to see a little eye contact and a smile that invites more, or some frantic waving that results in a fall off a bar stool? These are the images to keep in mind as you settle down to write a first-contact email.

In truth, writing such an email is much easier than most people think. It ought to be short - from around three sentences to a paragraph, say - and it shouldn’t be a generic copy and paste job. Since it’s so short, that doesn’t require much work; just a basic sentence or two that demonstrates you’ve actually read the profile (Like, “I see you like science fiction; what do you think of that remake that’s coming out?”) will already put you a cut above the rest.

Yet, many people lose their way when it comes to the first-contact email. Most commonly, they become self-centered when it comes time to write. Well, maybe that’s not surprising; the profile is mostly all about you, after all. But no one wants to open up an email with your life story; it’s like watching a TV show that’s all prologue and never actually advances the plot. An email is the beginning of a conversation, not a job application.

Plus, you might have already said all you need to in your profile. When you stray outside of that one-paragraph zone, chances are you’re going to start repeating information from your profile; once your potential match clicks over to actually read your profile, it’s going to sound redundant. Then you run the risk of appearing either self-absorbed or perhaps even dishonest (as in, you have your script and you’re sticking to it).

Thus, avoid all the hassle and potential miscommunication, and make it easy on yourself: stick to a short and sweet first-contact email. You might feel it’s formulaic - after all, it’s hard to reinvent the paragraph - but as long as you’re actually reading their profiles and asking a relevant question, you’re coming across as classic, not cliched. A non-offensive fist-contact email means they’ll check out your profile, and now the real conversation can begin. Why get in your own way?

You could be the best-looking person on this planet, but I guarantee even you have had this problem at least once: you didn't hear back from someone you were interested in.

It blows, right? You spot the perfect online dating profile, and you think "YES! I barely know anything about this person, but it's obvious we're going to fall in love and get married and be together forever!" [Note: Do not actually have this reaction to people you have never met. It's creepy.]

Then you send a message to them and wait for their gushing response about how great it is that you've finally found each other. But it never comes. And you're left wondering why someone you thought was so perfect doesn't think you're perfect, too.

Buck up. Grab some Ben & Jerry's. And let's settle in for a little life lesson. Here's why they didn't get back to you:

1. They can't. Many dating sites allow both paid and free members to join, but only allow paying members to view and/or send mail. Don't take it personally if your love interest simply couldn't see or respond to your message.
2. They're drowning in a sea of messages. If you think a person is awesome, there's a good chance other people also think they're awesome. The cream of the online dating crop is inundated with emails - maybe even triple digits per day - which makes it pretty much impossible to respond to everything. Your message may just have slipped through the cracks.
3. Your message wasn't up to snuff. Did you include an attention-grabbing subject line? Did you send an obvious cut-and-paste message? Did you ask an interesting question, include a witty joke, make a thoughtful reference to their profile, or otherwise do something that encourages interaction? Take some time to learn what kind of emails get opened and responded to.
4. Your photos aren't working for you. First of all: do you even have a photo? If you don't, that's the first thing to fix. If you do, do you have more than one? You should. And if you have that under control, evaluate your photo album with a critical eye. Do they actually show you at your best? Do they represent you well? Do they paint you in an interesting light? What stories do they tell?
5. Your profile is harder to get through than War and Peace. Maybe you have a snooze-fest of a personal essay. There's no excuse for a poorly written profile. And there's plenty of advice to be found online that will help you create something unique and enticing.

Chances are, you’ve heard that when it comes to an online dating profile, short and sweet is better than well-meaning but long-winded. First-contact emails are much the same; they shouldn’t be generic, but there’s no reason you can’t say what you need to in a paragraph or so. However, many people simply consider this a rule that must be followed. If we actually think about the reasoning behind this “rule,” it won’t only ensure that we won’t forget it; it might enhance our profile overall.

First, think about the experience of the reader, sitting behind their screen, somewhere across town. They’ve already looked at fifteen profiles, and here comes one that looks like one giant block of text. They scroll down... and down... and down. Who has time for that? It might be incredibly interesting, but they’ve already clicked away - they can view three profiles in the time it’ll take to read this novel.

“Well, I’ll only attract those who like to read, then,” you might be thinking. Perhaps - but in actuality those who are well-read have probably come to the conclusion that most random people on the internet aren’t the best writers. Again, you might be the exception, but you’re going against years of experience that’s taught them otherwise.

Next, consider that a profile that is exceptionally long is probably not a page-turner. So what’s creating that length? Chances are, a lot of filler. Also potentially some tangents. Unlike a conversation, in which you have immediate feedback and which naturally has twists and turns, when you’re writing a profile you only have your own stream of consciousness. Not exactly something you connect over.

Finally, imagine that your potential match is not across town behind their own screen; instead, they’re in person, standing next to you at a bar or a movie queue or some other place you’d naturally strike up a conversation. They approach you. What would you rather hear: a confident hello and a witty remark, or a five-minute summary of their life story?

Keeping a profile short and sweet isn’t about arbitrary word limits; it’s about creating an impact and avoiding unhelpful filler. When you next sit down to edit your profile, remember: you’re not submitting an entry to a literary magazine, you’re striking up a conversation. Does your profile reflect your purpose?

Mobile technology may be changing how we date, according to a recent study by popular dating websites ChristianMingle.com and JDate.com. Texting is fast becoming the preferred method of communication in relationships, including asking someone out for the first time or even for breaking up.

The study found that approximately one third of men (31%) and slightly more women (33%) find it easier to ask someone out on a date via text rather than making a phone call. Also, 55% of singles feel their mobile devices make it easier to meet and get to know people they may be interested in dating. And 64% of singles feel the quality of relationships with those they are dating or interested in dating has improved due to their mobile devices.

The study notes that mobile devices make it easier to break up, too. More than 50 percent of singles said they would consider breaking up with someone they were casually dating via text and an incredible 24% would consider ending an exclusive relationship that way.

Technology has been a part of dating for a while. Online dating started as a novel idea that gained popularity over time. Mobile technology has provided us with even more access to meeting people and dating, since our phones travel with us. We can meet a friend at the bar, open a mobile app and see if there are any other singles at the same bar that we might be interested in dating. You have so much information at your fingertips, and you can communicate via your phone. So it makes sense that daters are gravitating to their phones to connect with more people.

The study found some other interesting results:

• Seventy-eight percent of singles expect to communicate within 24 hours after a good first date. And after a good date, a majority of the men and women surveyed agree it doesn't matter who initiates the next communication.

• Don't be coy. Forty-six percent of singles have become upset with someone they are dating over their text response time, with more women (52%) getting upset than men (40%).

• Texting is the most frequent form of communication, particularly for those ages 21 to 26, who report texting several times a day before going on a date (50%), during a casual relationship (43%) and during an exclusive relationship (62%).

• 96 percent of singles keep phones out of sight during a date. But, somehow, 67% still find a way to check their phones during a date.

The study surveyed 1,500 U.S. singles between the ages of 21 and 50.