Communication

So, you’re constructing your online dating profile, and it’s time to select pictures. You’ve got a few nice-but-bland shots of your head and not much else, and you want to jazz things up a bit. You want to demonstrate your interests, paint a broader picture of who you are, share a peek into your world. This is absolutely the right track to be on - which makes it all the more disheartening when someone goes astray. And they can, quite easily.

When it comes to choosing pictures, remember two key elements: yourself, and action. Perhaps one photo of some scenery from your trip to Europe is acceptable, particularly if you’re proud of the photo you took yourself, but understand that it’s not going to be incredibly interesting to the viewer; if they want a pretty photo they can find tons of stock images online.

However, a picture of you standing in front of Stonehenge is a horse of a different color! Suddenly you’re telling a story about who you are. You’re sharing a day you enjoyed. You’re proving you were actually there and not just using stock photos. Since it’s candid, you probably look much more natural, more accurate to real life, and even possibly more attractive than a carefully staged “selfie.”

The same two elements apply when you’re talking about a hobby instead of traveling. Sure, you might not think “action” when you think of knitting, but taking pictures of the latest sock you made will suck the life out of it even more. Instead, try posting a picture of you modeling the first sweater you ever crocheted - even if you’re laughing at how it turned out. Maybe especially if you’re laughing.

We want to see you fishing instead of your catch of the day. Maybe you’re being silly, peering around the stacks in the library or over the top of a novel, instead of a stack of what you’re reading. Remember: just because a picture is a hit on your social networking site doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll work for your profile. Your friends and family already know you; they’re content with just seeing your shoes and some fall leaves. Your relationship with a potential match hasn’t progressed that far yet.

So as you choose the images you’ll use in your online dating profile, make sure the picture really is telling a story, and not just part of one. Some stories are best saved for later; in the beginning, the potential match doesn’t necessarily care about the details of your hobby - but they’ll care that you clearly enjoy it.

In the working world, you hear a lot about networking and reputation. The Golden Rule of treating others as you’d like to be treated frequently comes into play, and you can often actually witness the consequences; no one wants to suddenly work under the co-worker they were badmouthing.

What many don’t realize is that reputation can matter in the dating world as well. Even a mid-sized city can feel like a small town at times; when you start filtering for age, interests, and education level, chances are you’re looking at a pool of potential matches that is very similar to the ones your friends are seeing. Thus, even if a potential match is a stranger to you, that doesn’t mean you don’t know someone who’s met or even dated them before. And as we all know, people like to talk about their dating experiences, the good and the bad.

With online dating being somewhat anonymous, it can lead some to make questionable choices - such as the lewd first-contact message or the incredibly hostile response to a rejection. Those people think they’re behaving in a vacuum; they think they can throw a temper tantrum and move on to their next potential match consequence-free. In truth, that’s not always the case.

Not everyone throws fits and writes obscenity-laden messages, but it’s a good lesson to bear in mind just the same. Depending on your personal circumstance, the dating world can indeed be small, and people do like to talk. So when you’re telling your own “horror stories,” remember that you might be talking to someone who’s already heard the story from someone they know. Even if they don’t know your “ex-date,” trashing someone else can make your date wonder if you’ll do the same to them. Unless you’re talking about someone truly offensive or abusive, it might be best to follow that Golden Rule, and keep your tales to yourself.

Not everyone is compatible, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remain on our best behavior just the same. In addition to the fact that it’s simply the kindest way to behave, it can have incredibly personal, tangible rewards - or consequences.

If you’re new to online dating, you might have been surprised to learn that “No news is probably bad news.” If you send out a first-contact email, and haven’t heard anything back within a reasonable amount of time (say a week - not everyone lives to check their mail), chances are that’s a negative response. Hopefully, you were already emailing others and weren’t emotionally attached to the idea in the first place; not a big deal, as your attention is already elsewhere.

It can be jarring the first time you encounter it, but once you cotton on to that little online dating etiquette quirk, it’s not a problem. However, there are those who don’t fully grasp this rule of etiquette, and take it too far. They are the Vanishers.

You see, not responding to a first-contact email is sort of the equivalent of handing someone a slip of paper with your number on it and never getting a call. Maybe they lost it, maybe they met someone else, maybe they didn’t like you - whatever the reason, there was no commitment in the first place. It was an option for a beginning that was never taken.

Now, however, imagine that your email got a response, and you subsequently went on a first date - only to hear nothing after the fact. There’s no real-world dating equivalent here, because this is real-world dating. And just because you initially met via online dating, that doesn’t mean that the no-response-is-a-no etiquette quirk applies now.

Sure, you may not have made a commitment for a second date, but Vanishing now carries extra angst. All the usual questions apply - did something terrible happen to the Vanisher? Did they meet someone else? Are they unusually busy? Were they just not interested? - but now that you’ve met, they carry more weight than vague rhetorical musings. Actual ethical questions come up: What if something did happen and no one has missed your missing date yet? If you persist in calling, are you acting out of concern or just being overbearing?

The fact is, no one should have to deal with unnecessary responsibility or angst, when a simple “thanks, but no thanks” would clear up all the unanswered questions. Instead of Vanishing, be straightforward and firm. You don’t need to feel obligated to give specifics or present your case; after all, you’re not trying to convince your date that you’re not a good match. Just state that you aren’t interested.

Many people feel that Vanishing is kinder; they don’t want to be the bad guy. Instead, it just creates more questions, instead of clean closure. Plus, after turning down a further relationship, you’ll disappear anyway - why not do them a true kindness by providing closure before you go?

If you’re considering Vanishing after you’ve already been on a date, remember: you may not want to feel like the bad guy, but it’s considerably better than actually being the bad guy. Would you rather be free to move on to someone else, or deal with a mysterious Vanisher?

Have you been online dating a while? Do you feel like you aren't getting matched with the right people? Are you sending emails that get no responses? Rest assured, it's not you. But there are a few things you can do to help garner more interest online.

Often people think if they post a couple of pictures and answer basic profile questions, and then potential dates will come running. But this isn't the case - for most of us, we have to put in some effort in order to reap the results. So how do you attract more people to you?

Following are a few tips that are often overlooked when creating a profile or sending email messages. If you take the time to do these, you'll see better results:

Tell a story. There is a phrase writers often tell each other when crafting a good story: "show, don't tell." This means, instead of just saying "I like to mountain bike," provide some detail. Talk about your trip to southern California and how you rode through treacherous canyons and encountered snakes or coyotes along the way. You get the point. Tell a story, don't just make a statement. Make it come alive - then you have a conversation starting point.

Send more emails. How many emails should you send to potential dates every week? Five, ten, or twenty? Try fifty. If you aren't getting responses, it's because you aren't reaching enough people. Not everyone is going to respond to your email, no matter how great your profile may be. Be careful to not be generic, though. If you don't have the time to craft a lot of emails, then make the few you do send really count. Read the profiles of your potential dates, and talk about something they mentioned. Make your email stand out.

Have a friend look at your profile. Sometimes we can't be objective when we're trying to sell ourselves. We either think we're bragging, or we don't see ourselves in a clear enough light. Leave it to your friends to help tell you all of your wonderful qualities, or to help steer you away from revealing too much or talking about your ex. They can give you perspective and help you to shine.

Use a catchy subject line in your emails. This is important but overlooked. "Hey what's up?" isn't going to draw attention anymore than a blank subject line. Instead, headline with something she said in her profile. "Scuba diving in Costa Rica?" or "Would love to meet a Dodgers fan" can help in getting your email read.

Avoid the negatives. Maybe you had a bad break-up, or maybe you know exactly what you want to avoid in your next relationship. But your online profile is not the place to communicate it. Focus instead on the things you DO want - your interests, your home life, what you like to do on weekends. It's a new relationship, after all.

Not to brag or anything, but I think we ladies have it pretty good when it comes to the dating game. Sure, everybody has their ups and downs, but if we look at the way things are often run around here, we definitely seem to come out ahead in the online dating world.

Josh Fischer, the Director of Product Insights at SNAP Interactive, the company that owns Are You Interested, put together a collection of charts that shows exactly how women have the advantage over men on online dating sites. Each chart examines the probability that men and women respond to messages given the age of the message's sender.

The likelihood that an American woman responds to a man on AYI.com drops significantly as the age gap between them increases. The younger the man is, relative to the woman, the better shot he has. The probability of receiving a response peaks when the man is 7-8 years younger than the woman, and steadily declines from there.

The likelihood that an American man responds to a woman on AYI.com varies much more, and the response rates across all age differences are far higher. In fact, it actually dips the lowest when the man is 7-8 years younger than the woman. Merge the charts together, and they don't ever cross paths. Not even once.

Over all, AYI's charts show that, when comparing men and women responding to people their own age, women respond to men 4% of the time while men respond to women around 18% of the time. In other words, the vast majority of messages go unanswered regardless of age or gender.

It also means that the average straight man will have to send 25 messages to women his own age in order to receive one response, while the average straight woman will have to send just 5 messages. Hardly fair, if you ask me.

According to BusinessInsider.com, these conclusions can also be drawn from the data:

• A straight man's best bet is to go the Mrs. Robinson route. The 8-10% chance that a woman 10-8 years older than a man will respond to a message is double the rate of his own peers.
• The New York Jets have better odds of going to the Superbowl this year than men of a certain age have of getting a response from a woman ten years younger. Ouch.
• At worst, there's a 1 in 6 chance a man will respond to a woman's message regardless of her age. So go for it, ladies - you've clearly got nothing to lose.

Are you overwhelmed with all of the dating apps out there? It seems there are new ways of meeting people via technology cropping up every day. So what do you do with all the choices, especially if you're not so interested in playing a game of "hot or not" over an app like Tinder?

There's no need to worry. Technology can be used to your advantage, to help you meet more people than you'd otherwise run into going out to bars or parties. And don't forget - texting and social media can also help you improve your dating game.

Following are some ways to use technology to improve your social life:

Keep in touch via text. Did you meet someone incredible, or have an amazing first date? Don't let that spark fade - your mobile phone could be your best resource for keeping the romance going. Don't be afraid to send a text - but don't be generic by asking "how's your day?" Be creative. Make a reference to something you both said or did. Or send a photo of a place you talked about. This helps keep the conversation going, and provides a way to connect until the next time you see each other.

Check in on FourSquare, Yelp, or Facebook. In addition to getting deals from the restaurant or bar where you check in, you'll also let potential dates in your circles know where you like to hang out on weekends and evenings. Maybe you have the same places in common but didn't know it.

Use your online dating site's app. Signed up for Match.com or eHarmony? If you like these tried and true online dating sites, then download their apps, too. Because we are more mobile and carry our phones with us, daters can miss out on opportunities when they wait to check online matches at home or work. If you're staying engaged with matches through your phone, likely those opportunities for spontaneous coffee dates won't elude you. You never know.

Know what you're comfortable with, (and learn about what's out there). Apps like Grindr and Tinder can be daunting, especially if you're a single woman who doesn't want to be so accessible to strangers. But there are plenty of other dating apps that are more security-friendly. It's hard to fake a profile if you have to sign up with your Facebook account or verify with your mobile number. Apps like CoffeeMeetsBagel only provide one match per day, so you can rest assured people won't be trolling. Be open to learning what's out there and trying something new.