Advice

So you’ve got a busy - even hectic - schedule. Hitting up the standard weekend hot spots doesn’t come easy for you, so you turn to online dating. Suddenly, you can peruse profiles and send emails whenever it’s convenient for you, whether that’s at eleven at night or five in the morning. A perfect solution, right?

Right - until it’s time to actually meet up in person and have a date, and you realize you’re dealing with an actual person for whom you will have to adjust your schedule.

There’s nothing wrong with utilizing online dating when you have an unusual schedule; in fact, the ability to “meet” people on your own schedule is a major benefit. However, it’s important to remember that you’re not just squeezing in an extra hobby as your time allows; you’re looking to include another individual in your life. It might not always be easy to make your schedules work, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile to compromise.

A friend of mine, Steve, admitted to me that when he’d been on an online dating site for awhile with little success, it was easy to forget that he was contacting a living, breathing human. “It was more important to get a response to that email,” he says. “I was thinking of women in terms of ‘the 5th one I’m emailing this week’ or ‘the one with the pet iguana.’ When some of them actually began writing back, I wasn’t even sure how to continue the conversation. The first returned email was a wakeup call.”

It’s unclear what the healthiest mental practices are when it comes to online dating. On the one hand, you don’t want to get emotionally invested in every single person; that would be like falling in love with every person to whom you said “Hi.” On the other hand, you don’t want to become so emotionally removed that you begin to think of a significant other as an achievement you must check off, instead of a best friend.

As you peruse profiles and send out emails this week, think about your ultimate goal. Is it to get a higher response rate? To score a date? Or to find a compatible person?

If you're old enough to be searching the Internet for dating advice, you're probably old enough to have outgrown bad habits like biting your nails and sucking your thumb.

But have you outgrown your bad relationship habits​? Are you even aware that they exist, or are they skulking in the shadows of your subconscious, sabotaging your relationships while you're blissfully ignorant of the havoc they're wrecking?

Where relationships are concerned, we are often our own worst enemies. We create problems where they don't exist, whether we're aware of it - and have no better strategy for getting out of a relationship that isn't working - or not.

Are the problems in your relationship an inside job? Are you undermining the success of your love life? Here are 2 common ways that people sabotage their relationships:

Letting insecurities ran rampant. We all have the occasional self-esteem slip, but it's dangerous to become defined by them. You know your insecurities have become a problem if you are unable to accept a compliment, or constantly find yourself wondering why your partner is with someone inferior like you. When you are controlled by your insecurities, you withdraw mentally, sexually, and emotionally from your partner, creating a rift in your relationship.

How to handle it: The first step is developing awareness. How are you feeling about yourself? How are those feelings affecting the people around you? Do you engage in a lot of negative-self talk, and encourage others to express opinions that corroborate your limiting beliefs about yourself? Explore your insecurities, both on your own and with your partner, and come up with strategies for eliminating them.

Keeping score. Relationships are a constant ebb and flow of give and take. Sacrifices that require you to continuously put someone else's needs above your own are unhealthy, but love does require compromise. If you're keeping a running tally of each and every give and take, however, the stability of your relationship is probably suffering. Keeping score - like "We went to the movies with your friends 5 times last month, and only once with mine!" - is almost always a sign that a larger problem is lurking below the surface.

How to handle it: If you find yourself keeping score, it's a sign that you're not feeling completely understood in your relationship. Ask yourself why this is happening and what you can do to fix it, and be prepared to make major life changes if you find that you're sacrificing too much. Consider the ways your partner may be making compromises for you that you've been unaware of and haven't shown appreciation for. Communicate honestly and maturely with your partner about your thoughts and feelings on the matter, and develop a plan of action for making you feel more appreciated and heard.

It’s not uncommon for me to hear people say, “But I’m a nice person. Why do people always ignore me? Is it true that nice people always come in last?” That cliche is as old as the hills, but people still turn to it when they’re down on their love luck. But is there any merit to it?

First, it’s important to analyze what “nice” really means to you. Does it mean being considerate, or does it mean placing the needs of everyone else before your own? Does it mean being polite, or does it mean being a doormat? Do you think it’s possible to be a “nice” person and be *censored*ertive at the same time?

When people feel they’re unappreciated as a “nice” person, the problem is often not that they’re nice, but that they lack confidence. It’s difficult to notice or appreciate someone who doesn’t think that they’re worthy of notice or appreciation. It becomes even more difficult if they *censored*ume a, “Nobody cares about me anyway” kind of attitude. A thoughtful gesture is always appreciated, but it’s a little more difficult to acknowledge it when you know you’re going to get Eeyore in response.

Now, what if you’re certain that you really are *censored*ertive, with high self-esteem, and still you feel your attentions aren’t noticed or appreciated? Well, I would then wonder why someone with high self-esteem is wasting their time on someone who doesn’t appreciate them! The fact is, nice people don’t have to come in last; there are plenty of people who appreciate a comp*censored*ionate, thoughtful partner. If you feel you’re doing everything right and still getting nowhere, it’s just possible that you’re right; perhaps the real problem lies in who you’re choosing to pursue.

Even though you’ve probably heard “Nice guys (or girls) come in last,” that doesn’t mean it’s a universal truth. Don’t give up and become a cliche! By analyzing your own attitude and goals, you may be able to prove all those old wives wrong.

If you thought I was crazy the first time around for suggesting that you could have a relationship without fighting, prepare yourself to think I'm completely insane - downright certifiable, even - because I'm about to give you even more strategies for mastering the relationship-saving art of fighting without fighting.

To transform destructive, hurtful fights into constructive conflicts, follow these suggestions:

1. Hunt for moments of harmony. In almost every argument, points of agreement can be found. Hunt for these moments of clarity and harmony and embrace them when they're found. Finding the common ground is the first step towards discovering a solution that's workable for both parties.

2. Compromise when necessary. Be willing to give a little, and make space for your partner to give a little in return. Every relationship - no matter how solid or satisfying - requires compromise at times. It won't always be split 50-50, but this isn't about keeping score - it's about resolving conflicts in a mature and healthy manner. Remember, however, that compromise should never feel like unwanted sacrifice. If you feel like you are unfairly expected to compromise when your partner is not, the issue needs to be addressed.

3. Consider all your options. Collaboration is a key element of ending conflicts. When you and your partner begin cooperating in order to work out a solution together, the end of the argument is near. Suggest resolution strategies, ask for alternatives from your partner, and show respect for their opinion by considering all options before making a decision.

4. Listen to your grandmother. Like many wise and wizened relatives, my grandmother told me that my partner and I should never go to bed angry. This oft-repeated advice has become cliché now, but that doesn't make it any less true. "Winning" is never more important than communication, connection, and happiness. Some arguments, in the face of the prospect of no sleep, will suddenly seem trivial and be forgotten. Other arguments will require serious discussion and a peace offering or two, but the extra time spent working out a compromise before hitting the sack will be well worth it.

5. Embrace the tension. Conflicts will happen, no matter how much you love each other, so instead of fearing conflict, learn to embrace it. Working through disagreements together builds a solid foundation for the relationship, and provides invaluable opportunities for growth both as a couple and as individuals. Treat every moment of dissonance as a chance to learn from each other and the experiences you share.

Conflicts - when handled correctly - will strengthen a relationship instead of harming it.

The scenario: You're starting to fall for a new man. You've been dating for a few weeks and things got intense pretty quickly because of your chemistry. Now however, he is starting to back away from the relationship. He goes a few days without calling, doesn't return your texts in a timely way, and you're starting to wonder if he's no longer interested.

Before you dive head-first into falling in love with him and into a full-fledged state of confusion, consider a few ideas:

Has he expressed to you want he wants/ needs? If he is elusive about whether or not he wants a relationship, or he changes the subject if it comes up, chances are he isn't looking for anything serious or he doesn't know what he wants. Either way, this is not a good fit if you are in fact looking for a serious relationship.

Are you getting ahead of yourself? If you've only been dating a few weeks, likely you haven't had any conversations about exclusivity. Remember, especially when you're online dating, until you've had a conversation about being exclusive, you should *censored*ume the person you're dating isn't. Give relationships time to develop instead of pushing for exclusivity right out of the gate. And remember, you can and should date other men until you're ready to be exclusive.

Have you listened to his wants? Sometimes, we get excited about the possibilities of a new love, so we don't pay attention to the cues or the messages our love interest sends. Maybe he recently got out of a relationship, or he mentioned that he doesn't want anything serious right now. If you think chemistry will override his preference to avoid a new relationship, think again. Perhaps you have something special, but if both of you aren't on the same page about what you want, don't try to force a relationship to happen.

Have you experienced a pattern of dating unavailable men? While I'd love to believe that when we experience a good date it leads to a relationship, this is not usually the case. Relationships don't materialize unless both parties are willing participants at the same time. If you're left wondering what happened following a great date, take heart. Success is all about timing. If you find that this kind of rejection is a recurring pattern, consider the types of men you're attracted to, and try to branch out. Only by trying something different can you expect different results. Otherwise as my friend so eloquently put it, "you're just dating the same man in different shoes."

Few things are more mysterious than the opposite sex. The mystery keeps us intrigued, but it can also be frustrating and confusing. In our quest to figure out what we don't understand, and to make the unfamiliar familiar, we often resort to using the over-simplification of stereotypes. Many stereotypes are harmless, but some are so pervasive that we've come to regard them as truth.

Here are a few of the stereotypes men believe about women that may be affecting your relationships:

• Women are slaves to their emotions. Women deal with and express their emotions differently than men, but that doesn't mean that their approach to emotions and communication is wrong. It also doesn't mean that women are unable to put their emotions aside when a situation calls for reason and logic. Emotions are a powerful force, but they can be kept in check (yes, even when a woman is PMS-ing).

• Women are crazy. Women do some crazy things, but so do men. It has nothing to do with the face that they're women, and everything to do with the fact that they're human. Women are not biologically programed to act in ways that seem insane at times any more so than men are. Writing something off as a woman's innate "craziness" is a poor attempt to rationalize behavior that men have difficulty comprehending, in an attempt to relieve them of the burden of trying to understand. This dismissal might temporarily give the illusion that things are easier, but will harm relationships in the long run.

• Women do not like, and are not good at, the same things as men. Women can't play sports. Women aren't good at math. Women don't understand money management. Women can't use power tools. Women aren't good drivers. The list of stereotypes about women's wants, needs, and abilities could go on and on. They're bound to be true for some parts of the female population, but they're true for parts of the male population as well (just ask the two men I saw get into a fender-bender on the highway last week).

• Women all want to settle down. Despite what Beyoncé may have lead you to believe, women aren't all desperate to find a man to put a ring on it. Evolutionary biology suggests that women are programmed to want financial stability, children, and a dedicated partner, especially as they get older, while men are programmed to play the field. That may be true for many women, but there are exceptions to every rule. Some women don't want children, and genuinely prefer being single.

So what are some stereotypes that women have about men? Let's take a look...