Advice

You’ve made up your mind. Maybe up until now you’ve felt you were too shy, or your career was too time-consuming, or you needed to help out with your family. Now, however, you’re ready to begin the search for a significant other. Sure, your social skills are a little rusty, but surely they’ll bounce back. Why waste time worrying about things like that when you could be out there searching for your perfect match?

There’s definitely some merit to this approach, but sometimes you need to walk before you run. One of the things I hear most often from adults of all kinds is, “Why is it so much harder to meet new people (or find new friends, or approach someone you’re romantically interested in) now than it was when I was in high school or college? I feel like my social skills have waned with time.”

And they probably have. Back when you were in school, you were in a new class with new people every year, and you probably met even more people outside of school. You were trained to transition easily, to become instant friends with a stranger. Now, however, the world is different. Maybe you’ve been in the same job, with the same people, for multiple years. Your friends are people you met ages ago. There just hasn’t been much reason to meet anyone new for a long time.

Thus, meeting new people becomes more difficult than you remember. Small talk feels more awkward; maybe you can’t gauge how the conversation is going as easily. It can be frustrating, and it can be tempting to give up altogether.

But remember! Social skills are just that - a skill. So how do you brush up? Try meeting new people for no reason at all. Go out with friends and strike up conversations with people of all types and ages. Practice making small talk. When you aren’t worried about whether someone is “the one,” you’re much more relaxed, allowing you to build up your skill so that it feels more natural, even when the pressure is on.

Even though it may seem like a waste of time, don’t be afraid to take baby steps and test the social waters before you plunge into a first date. And there’s nothing wrong with meeting new people in the process, too - you could wind up with a new friend! If you want, you can specifically avoid people you’re attracted to, at first. But who knows? Maybe a practice session could lead to more than you realize!

For many, the most difficult part of online dating is having to write about themselves. We’re taught that to speak highly of ourselves is bragging, and bragging is negative; while this might very well be true in person, online you’re the only advocate you have.

Some online dating sites have tried to include “testimonials” from friends and family, but these tend to make things worse than better. Even friends and family who love and care about you might not be the best writers, or know how to compliment their loved one without sounding creepy, so mostly you’ll see generic praise, like “She’s great!” or “He’s a great catch!” Regardless of whether your site of choice includes testimonials, the best person for the job is still you.

So how do you go about writing a profile that pumps you up, when your first inclination is to be humble? One way is to think yourself as something to sell. No, you don’t have to be entirely objective; one major trap people fall in is when they think, “But I don’t think I’m a great catch after all!” Your job is not to judge; your job is to sell. If you were hired to shout the praises of a giant cheese wheel at the county fair, would you mention that the competing cheese wheel might be a little more round? No, you might focus on the fact that the taste of your cheese is superior, or that it’s homemade with love.

It’s a silly comparison, sure, but it’s appropriate. Don’t focus on your negative traits; focus on the positive. It can be tempting to bend the truth, but don’t lie - that only creates more problems, in the end.

Another way to look at your profile is to remember that whoever gets the first word tends to be the one taken seriously. Say someone says to a crowd, “My cheese wheel is the best-tasting in the county.” It’s up to the next guy to prove the first one wrong, and once the seed is planted in the mind of the crowd, it’s more difficult than if he’d gotten there first.

Similarly, with an online profile you get a chance to have the first word, to control the first impression. Don’t squander this opportunity! Don’t say, “Well, I don’t have the coolest hobbies in the world...” Say, “I have a lot of fun in my free time.” Even if you’re knitting or building model train sets, you’ve been so *censored*ertive and confident that the reader might wonder if there’s secret fun in trains that they’ve missed out on.

When in doubt, the best way to write a profile is with simple, positive statements. Check over your own profile - are you undermining your first impression by being negative or wishy-washy? It only takes a little tweaking to transform your profile from run-of-the-mill to bold and confident.

Quite often, being in a good relationship can be like being on a team - a team comprised of you and your partner. You always have each other’s back, and the drama of life is just a little bit easier when it’s split between the two of you. It’s a cliche, but there’s a reason why couples often refer to their partner as their best friend.

However, like almost anything in life, the concept of two against the world can have a dark side as well. An abusive person could attempt to isolate their partner, shutting them off from everyone else. How do you know whether you’re in a close, comfortable relationship, or whether you’re in one that has become unhealthy?

Well, if you’re seriously asking yourself this question and you don’t know the answer, that might be a red flag right there. But there are some who simply second-guess every decision, and there are others who might have been in a bad relationship in the past and fear getting trapped in one again. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

Does your partner encourage you to have a life outside your relationship? Or are all your interests and free time spent together, with their encouragement? Do you still spend time with friends and family, or have your relationships become completely neglected? These questions can be difficult to answer at the beginning of a relationship, because people get infatuated and tend to neglect everything - it’s up to you to discern if your isolation is excessive.

Other questions have to involve your gut responses. Do you consider yourself generally happy, or do you think you can only achieve happiness through your partner? Do you stay with your partner because you think you can’t do any better? Are you unhappy in your relationship more than you’re happy?

If these questions stir up more uncertainties, perhaps your relationship is worth examining. An unhealthy relationship will only keep everyone involved from happiness in the long run; it’s far better to confront these issues and potentially break up than stay in an unhealthy situation. And remember, you don’t have to tackle these issues alone; don’t be afraid to go to family, friends or professionals for opinions or support!

Halloween is quickly approaching. While most associate the holiday with small children, holes cut in sheets and lots of candy, it can be a fun holiday for adults as well. In fact, a costume party is a seasonal venue that can be just perfect for meeting someone new. Don’t pass up those party invitations just because you might not have a date - indeed, you might even want to consider throwing a party of your own!

First and foremost, a costume party provides you with something that many desperately scramble for: an opener. Everyone is wearing a costume, and everyone is talking about their own. A costume can be cute, funny, scary, or amazing - and you can walk right up and tell someone your thoughts without worrying that it’s inappropriate. Hopefully a conversation will start about it; if not, there’s plenty of other holiday fodder to choose from, like the decorations, activities, or even the costumes of others.

A funny thing can happen at costume parties: some people, hidden behind a mask or immersed in a character, can feel less inhibited. They might be more outgoing than usual, more willing to approach and be approached. Sure, parties might also have other contributors, like alcohol, but the costume effect is purely a psychological one. Perhaps you might feel more bold dressed as someone else. Perhaps the person you’re interested in is feeling equally daring.

Your friend is cute. You have fun together, you make each other laugh, and you have the same taste in music. You feel like you have a special connection, like you understand each other in a way that other people don't. You see each other regularly, and your mutual friends have started teasing you about your supposedly platonic relationship being anything but. You tell yourself that you're just friends, but are you really something more?

Here are 10 signs that your platonic relationship might be a little less platonic than you think:

1. Your friend is the first person you turn to when you have exciting news to share, or when you need emotional support.

2. You look forward to seeing your friend with more excitement than you experience when meeting other friends.

3. You talk about your friend all the time.

4. You avoid talking about your friend, in an effort to keep your feelings for them a secret.

5. You pay more attention to your appearance in hopes of getting noticed when spending time with your friend.

6. You catch yourself fantasizing about how it would feel to be together and what your friend would be like in a relationship.

7. You feel uncomfortable, critical, or jealous when your friend expresses interest in someone else, or when someone else expresses interest in your friend.

8. You spend significantly more time with your friend than with any of your other acquaintances.

9. You find yourself making plans for your future together.

10. You flirt more and have more physical contact than in an average friendship.

These signs indicate that you and your friend share more than the bonds of friendship - your connection is deepening into a more serious curiosity, romantic or sexual, about each other. If the attraction is mutual, and you're interested in seeing where your growing interest in each other may lead, take the necessary steps to take things to the next level at the pace that feels right to you.

If, on the other hand, you're not interested in pursuing a more serious relationship, here's what you can do to pull back without losing your friendship:

• See each other in groups more often than you see each other alone.

• Nurture your friendships with other people, while still remaining in close with your friend.

• Turn to other acquaintances for support, guidance, and celebrations of your successes.

• Set limits for yourself on the amount of time you can spend with your friend, and the amount of contact you can have outside of your in-person get-togethers.

It’s probably not a surprise to many that a relationship is comprised of unique individuals, and thus is unique itself. There are tips to having a successful relationship, to be sure, but all advice must be heard with consideration for the individuals involved, and tweaked accordingly. Perhaps it’s a bit like parenting: you’re nurturing something, you want it to be as strong as it can, and you’re the only one who really knows what it needs.

There’s something people in relationships, or seeking a relationship, can forget, and that is that they are one of the individuals involved. They’re one of the people they’re seeking to make happy.

The question “Does this make me happy?” is so simple that it can seem silly, but it’s also so simple it’s often forgotten. There are so many other reasons to get in a relationship, or stay in one: the expectations of friends, family, even society. But just as one size does not always fit all, some people are happiest, at various times in their life, in less common relationships.

Perhaps, at this stage, you’re best fit for a relationship that focuses on the physical, instead of fulfilling emotional needs. Maybe you want a relationship that is exactly like a typical one, but you don’t want to co-habitate. Maybe you’d like the companionship of dating, and nothing more. Whether it’s merely a stage in your life or the only way you’re truly happy, there’s nothing wrong with being aware of your personal needs. In fact, it’s kinder to all in the long run. Why enter a relationship with someone who has certain expectations and hopes, only to have one or both of you unhappy?

One of the benefits of online dating is that you can search out people who match your priorities, whatever they may be. It might be hard to meet someone who’s looking for the same sort of relationship as you at the supermarket, but if they’re on the internet, it might only take a few key words. But whether you meet someone online or bump into them at the post office, it’s important to be honest about what you’re looking for. In the long run, deception never really saves any feelings.

So as you sit down to search for a match, ask yourself what you’re really looking for. Not just as a person, but as the other half of your relationship. What sort of relationship do you want to form? And, quite simply, what will make you happy?