Advice

When you start dating a man you find incredibly attractive, you may be tempted to dive into a relationship head first, with gusto. The problem? He might not feel the same way, so you could both end up getting hurt. Instead of making assumptions early on in a relationship about where it's headed, it's best to take things slowly and listen to each other's needs.

Many times, the problem is that you aren't really listening to each other. Maybe you feel intense chemistry and it's overriding everything else - including his thoughts and feelings about dating you. Maybe you want to move forward and date him exclusively, but he's fine with how things are and only wants to date you occasionally.

Have you been honest with him about your feelings and what you want, or are you scared he may pull away? If you have told him, how has he reacted? Has he expressed his feelings to you? Has he told you things like "work is really busy for me right now" or "I'm not ready for a commitment," or even, "I want to take things slowly?" If he has, then you haven't been paying close attention to how the relationship is progressing and what he's been communicating. He's not on the same page. The problem is not that he doesn't want to get serious, it's that you're not willing to accept his answer.

I have to admit, I liked seeing what I wanted to see in all of my romantic interactions. If a man told me he wasn't interested in anything serious, you could bet I'd fall head over heels for him. I figured if there was chemistry, we must both feel the same way - or worse, I thought eventually he'd see the light and fall hopelessly in love with me, too. This couldn't have been further from the truth.

Instead of hearing what you want to hear, make sure you are really listening to what your date is saying. If he's not ready to commit, take him at his word. Don't try to pressure him, call him incessantly, or make plans more often just because that's how you want the relationship to progress.

If you sense he is backing off, or if he tells you that he's not ready, take a step back. Stop texting and calling so often. Try not to control the relationship - instead, take control of your own dating life.

What I mean by that is: continue to date other people. Don't act like the relationship is exclusive until it really is. Keep your social life going. If you spend all of your time and energy on someone who's not interested in commitment when you are, you'll end up becoming bitter and resentful. Instead, continue dating and keeping your options open. You're entitled, and this way, you'll definitely meet someone who feels the same way about you.

A lot of people I know who use online dating got started because they weren’t so sure they wanted to get back into dating at all. Maybe they just got out of a long-term relationship; maybe they were burned years ago and it’s changed their views completely. Whatever the reason, online dating provides a way to stick your toe back into the dating pool without having to plunge headfirst. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with baby steps, there are a few issues with this method, and it’s best to be aware of them.

First of all, when you put minimal effort into online dating, you’ll probably only get minimal results. When you’re not sending first-contact emails, you’re relying solely on luck that anyone will even see your profile, much less email you. If you never bother to do any in-depth searches, you’re only seeing a vague, random sample of who’s in your area - much like going to the mall or a bar. The odds of seeing someone compatible aren’t at their highest. And when you only see minimal results, you’re that much more likely to think that online dating isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and quit.

The second issue is all about attitude. Our first experiences can shape our perception, and someone who had a bad experience or two with their first serious relationships can form pretty negative opinions about dating and love altogether. It’s not uncommon to see people in the dating world who are waiting for the other shoe to drop, who try to find the negative before it has a chance to side-swipe them. In online dating, these are the people who search for the smallest inconsistency between a profile and the real person, or who put dark jokes about themselves in their own profiles.

They’re doing themselves a real disservice, both in online dating and in love in general. First, chances are they’re probably not putting all the effort in that they could because they feel it’s a waste of time. Secondly, even when they do, people might be turned off by the negativity oozing out of their writing.

So as you sit down to try online dating, do a quick self-check of your motivation and attitude. A bad past experience can sting, to be sure, but the majority of people just want the same things: love and happiness. There’s nothing wrong with easing into it, but just remember: online dating can give you a fresh start. Why not include a fresh perspective to go along with it?

From genetic testing that maps a person's DNA profile to advanced facial recognition software that pairs similarly-featured partners, science is playing an increasingly significant role in online dating. Sites like GenePartner.com and FindYourFaceMate.com are promising to match members with compatible long-term partners based on the science of attraction and romantic love, and while matchmaking services that sound like they belong in science fiction novels are intriguing, many are questioning their validity.

Although analyzing DNA to find your perfect match might sound like a ridiculous use of your genetic information, it's not a new practice. Investigating the genetic compatibility of couples is a routine practice for individuals who are at high risk for having children with specific serious genetic diseases, like Tay-Sachs and Bloom syndrome. Screening procedures like these have effectively reduced the number of affected babies, but are they equally as effective when applied to the online dating industry?

Criticisms of DNA-based dating services, and other matchmaking services that rely on science and technology, are strong. Some believe that providing scientific explanations for courtship, attraction, attachment, and romantic romantic love will cause the experience to lose some of its magic and disenchant daters. Others believe that it is simply impossible to biologically define such complex concepts. Larry J. Young, a principal investigator in the Laboratory of Social Neurobiology at Emory University, spoke with Giovanni Frazzetto of Nature.com about his misgivings: "the situation is far, far too complex to begin to think we can pick 'the perfect match' based on this information. These companies are taking advantage of a public who have been educated by the media."

Former chief psychology officer for True.com, James Houran, took on scientific matching in a 2007 article published in the OnlineDatingMagazine. "What we have are groups of authors, nice sounding university affiliations and academicians generally interested in relationships," he wrote. "Yet, nowhere do we see these teams with published, compatibility experts, and more importantly, tests and measurements experts who ground their work in the statistical gold standard of modern test theory!"

Some critics have raised more serious concerns about the potential for misuse of researchers' growing knowledge of emotional chemistry, claiming that it may be possible to use it to manipulate the brain and control emotions. Love potions, perhaps, are not as far-fetched as they seem.

Ultimately, Young believes that science-based approaches to matchmaking will not be more effective or more popular than other approaches to online dating. "People will always be selling the 'new' way to find true love," he says.

Related Story: Dating & Technology: A Scientific Approach To Finding The One

Last night, I was talking to a male friend, Richard, about his experience with online dating. He said, “I’m kind of surprised there aren’t more people like me on online sites. I mean, I’ve searched for this interest, and this one, and I’ve hardly gotten any results.”

I asked him if he’d searched for some of his other interests - I even named a few. “Well, no, I hadn’t thought of those.” I suggested a few interests that girls in his general social group tend to like. He sighed. “Well, I know that most of our friends who are girls like that TV show - but I don’t care for it that much.”

“Sure,” I said, “but girls who like that TV show also tend to like this, and this, and that - things that you do like!”

He shrugged. “This is like playing detective,” he complained. “I thought I’d just plug in my major interests and be done.”

There are a few misconceptions Richard has about online dating, and dating in general, and he’s most likely not the only one. First, you’re looking for a good match - but you’re not looking for a clone. Two people with different backgrounds, life experiences, and tastes are bound to have some differences, no matter how much spark there is between them.

More importantly, that’s okay. It’s okay if you don’t share every last interest - even if it’s your very favorite hobby or genre or movie. If there are other things you do have in common, if you mesh well and have a spark of attraction, you can withstand a difference of opinion on pretty much anything, as long as you respect the difference. And who knows? Maybe your partner just needs to be introduced to your favorite interest, and they’ll like it too - but if they don’t, it’s still not the end of the world or the relationship.

Since you can’t bank on having one interest, in particular, in common, it does sometimes mean that you have to get a little crafty in your keyword searches. Try looking at the outside interests of your friends - if you get along with them, you might get along with a potential match who has the same interests. Try different titles of TV or movies within the same genre, or a different but related hobby.

If that doesn’t work, try a general search. When you start finding profiles that catch your eye, email those people, but also note what their general interests are, and try to find more like them. What is it about their profile that attracts you?

Finding a compatible person can be a bit more tricky than you’d think, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a worthwhile pursuit. As you begin your search, don’t be afraid to think outside the box - or act like your favorite detective!

Is romance really that powerful? Do these stereotypes also have an effect on men? And what are the implications of romance-driven preferences like these?

Are women really choosing love over excellence in the fields of math, science, and technology?

These are the questions that Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D., psychologist and author, answers in a recent Huffington Post article called The Surprising Connection Between Dating and Math. Studies have found that women seem to unconsciously show a preference for either romantic topics or academic subjects like math and science, but do not appear to focus on both at the same time. One study, for example, asked undergraduate participants to "accidentally" overhear conversations between other undergrads. The conversations focused on either a recent date or a recent test. When women had romance on their minds, the study found, they showed significantly less interest in math. When women had academics on the brain, the opposite results were demonstrated.

The source of the apparent conflict between "love" and "math," Halvorson speculates, may be hidden in the confusing adolescent period of a woman's development. Most people, she notes, are driven to be romantically desirable during this stage. Both genders "attempt to achieve the goal by conforming to cultural norms of what women and men are 'supposed' to be like," though women are socialized to feel this pressure particularly strongly. While men are expected to be "dominant, independent, and analytical," - qualities that prepare them for successful careers in business, finance, and science - women are expected to be "communal and nurturing, and to pursue careers that allow them to express those qualities - like teaching, counseling and, of course, nursing."

Men are not immune to the pressures of gender stereotypes either: in the search for love, many men are deterred from pursuits that are typically seen as 'feminine.' "In other words," Halvorson explains, "love doesn't just make girls bad at math -- it may also make boys act like selfish jerks, all in the service of conforming to a (largely unconscious) romantic ideal."

Competence, and equality between genders, may be playing a losing game. The unconscious influence of stereotypes may exert an influence that is too powerful for logical thoughts and actions, meaning that we may automatically inhibit what we consider to be conflicting goals - no matter how beneficial they actually are - in pursuit of love. The ultimate lesson to be learned from these studies, Halvorson writes, is the insight it gives us "as parents and teachers into the kinds of messages our children need to hear.... What they need to understand is that breaking out of a stereotype won't keep them from finding the loving relationship they also desire. Only then will they feel free to go wherever their interests and aptitudes may take them."

Related Story: Are Women Choosing Love Over Math?

When people sit down to write their online profiles, they often balk at what should be one of the simplest aspects: choosing their body type. It’s usually just a click of a bullet point, but it can mean a world of difference in how you show up on searches. To make matters worse, the descriptions are often completely subjective and confusing to boot: is “husky” heavier or lighter than “heavyset”? Is “curvy” smaller or larger than “a few extra pounds”? It’s enough to make anyone’s head spin.

As a society, we tend to be overly image-conscious to begin with. We’re bombarded with images that tell us that only the very skinniest of people are acceptable; thus, perfectly healthy, average people might consider themselves overweight or “big-boned.” The truth is, there’s no one factor that can give you a full and accurate picture of the body type and health of a potential match. Even photos can be suspect; an angle can add or take away several pounds.

So what can you do with your own profile? Keep two words in mind: confidence and honesty. First, you’re not going to do yourself any favors by having low self-esteem and choosing a body type larger than you actually are. Someone who’s confident will see themselves in the best possible light; thus, if you’re torn between two descriptions, choose the one that makes you feel better about yourself. If you’re absolutely clueless about which term is “better,” try looking at potential matches and see what they’re more likely to search for. If it seems to be generally agreed that one term is preferable to the other, go with that one - better to show up in more searches, after all.

However, it’s important to remain honest, too; people tend to be wary when they first start out on online dating, and they’re looking for blatant lies. So even if it gets you more profile hits, don’t choose the thinnest body type when you’re clinically overweight. Seeing the world through rose-colored glasses is one thing; outright lying is another. The best way to demonstrate your honesty and confidence is to include several pictures of yourself - not just the cleverly-angled headshot, but maybe a full-body shot. If you feel the term “overweight” does your curvy or well-muscled body a disservice, show it off! No one will accuse you of dishonesty when you’re far bolder than they are.

One last thought: for all the stressing and analyzing we do, body type and weight is but one tiny part of the personality package. When people look at profiles, they’re looking at your smiling face before they ever check out your body type. When they meet you in person, they’re seeing an entire personality, not just a clothing size. Remember that confidence covers a multitude of imperfections; show your potential matches that labels just aren’t sufficient when it comes to you.