Advice

Let it be known: I am not a big fan of online dating. Yes, at least one of my best friends found her fabulous fiancé online. And if you live in a small town, or fit a specific demographic (e.g., woman over 45, ultra-busy businessperson, sugar daddy, sneaking around your spouse), online dating may expand opportunities for you. But for the rest of us, we're much better off meeting real live humans eye-to-eye the way nature intended.

Let it be known: unlike Dr. Ali Binazir, who wrote that introduction in an article called " Six Dangers of Online Dating," I am a fan of online dating, and I hope that the potential pitfalls of looking for love online don't scare curious daters away. I do, however, think Dr. Binazir's advice offers valuable guidance for anyone who wants to approach online dating in a savvy, well-informed way. Here are more of the doctor's wise words for the discerning dater:

Online dating sites present an unhelpful wealth of options.

"More choice actually makes us more miserable." That is the theory behind Barry Schwartz's 2003 book The Paradox of Choice: Why Less is More. Online dating sites, Binazir argues, offer too much choice, which actually makes online daters less likely to find a match. Picking a partner out of a few options is easy, but picking one out of thousands is nearly impossible. Too many options also increases the likelihood that daters will second-guess themselves, and lessen their chances of finding happiness by constantly questioning whether or not they made the right decision.

People are more likely to engage in rude behavior online.

The minute people are hidden behind anonymous screen names, accountability disappears and "people have no compunctions about flaming one another with scathing remarks that they would never dare deliver in person." Face-to-face behavior is governed by mirror neurons that allow us to feel another person's emotional state, but online interactions don't activate the process that creates compassion. As a result, it's easy ignore or rudely respond to a message that someone devoted a significant amount of time, effort, and emotion to in hopes of sparking your interest. Over time, this constant, thoughtless rejection can take a serious emotional toll.

There is little accountability online for antisocial behavior.

When we meet someone through our social network, via a friend, family member, or co-worker, they come with our acquaintance's stamp of approval. "That social accountability," Binazir writes, "reduces the chances of their being axe murderers or other ungentlemanly tendencies." In the wild, untamed lands of online dating, where you're unlikely to have a connection to anyone you meet, anything goes. For safety's sake, and to increase the chance of meeting someone you're actually compatible with, it may be wiser to got out with people who have been vetted by your social circle.

Ultimately, Dr. Binazir offers great advice - but it's not a reason to avoid online dating altogether. Take his words to heart, wise up, and approach online love as a concerned, conscious, and well-informed dater.

Related Story: Online Dating: A Dissenting View

If you're subscribed to online dating sites but are having a hard time actually meeting women or even getting their attention through emails, there are some easy steps to success. Don't get frustrated because you haven't gotten results yet - likely, it's because of how you approach women online rather than what you look like or what you have to offer in a relationship.

Following are some tips for improving your game so you can attract some great dates:

Don't IM them to start communicating. While some women like to flirt over instant messaging, it's generally a bad way to approach a woman you've never met. If you like her profile, send her an email with comments about some of her interests to show her you read it, instead of a vague sexual reference over IM. Don't assume it's ok to approach this way - many women think it's intrusive and a turn-off.

Pay attention to her interests. It's easy to start with an opening line like, "hey beautiful...wanna get together?" but do you think a woman will fall over herself to respond back when there are other guys who are more creative in their communication? Compliment the object of your affection - whether they are training for a half marathon or they're writing a blog. No need to go into detail, but mentioning and complimenting something from their profile or that's currently happening in their lives puts you ahead of the curve and shows you're interested and not just mass emailing.

Be persistent, but don't go overboard. The truth is, you can't just message ten women and hope that leads to a relationship. Instead, send out a hundred and then see what happens. Increasing the number of potential candidates means increasing your odds. Don't focus on just one woman either, hoping if you keep emailing her eventually she'll respond. Email two times at most. If you don't get a response, move on. Don't keep emailing her because you think she didn't see it, or because you think you're perfect for each other. She's just not that into you, and that's ok. You don't know her anyway, so move on to the next.

No sending inappropriate pictures. Many of my girlfriends were attracted to men they met online, but shortly after they started communicating, the men would send inappropriate pictures of themselves as a way of flirting. Don't do this - it's completely a turn-off! There are other ways to draw attention to yourself, I promise.

Don't mass email. While it's true I told you to send out a hundred emails instead of ten, please don't send a mass email. Women know which emails are sent in bulk...one of the reasons why you should be specific in each communication and mention something in their profile. So, don't be lazy. Put forth some effort and you'll see results.

You've started dating a new guy and you're smitten. He's handsome, smart, successful, and a number of other wonderful things (fill in the blanks here). However, you've just started dating, so you're afraid to ask him anything about what he wants in a relationship - after all, you don't want to look needy.

Maybe he's seeing other people, and maybe he's not looking for anything serious - but maybe he is. You're not sure, but you don't want to ask him. While this may keep your relationship moving right along in the "fun" zone, the more attached you get to him, the more anxiety you feel about where the relationship is headed.

Before you drive yourself crazy with speculation about what his intentions are, follow these simple steps to keep things in perspective and keep you headed in the right direction for the long-term:

Keep dating other people. That's right, as long as there's no commitment you should keep your options open. Sometimes the timing isn't right no matter how great the relationship might be, so why close yourself off from other opportunities? Instead of waiting by the phone or rescheduling plans to be with him, put yourself first. Keep dating other people, and keep your plans.

Be honest. It's amazing how many women are afraid to say what they want in a new relationship for fear of driving a man away. While I think it's too bold and inappropriate to talk about marriage and kids right away, I do think it's important to let your guy know that you're looking for something long-term and not just a short-term fling. If he isn't on the same page, then it's better to move on. If he's interested in a relationship, then take things one step at a time. Don't be aggressive about it.

Listen. If he mentions that he just ended a long-term relationship and isn't interested in anything serious, take him at his word. Don't assume you can change his feelings because the chemistry is so amazing between you. He is trying to let you know what he wants, so don't read what you want into it.

Don't be so available. I'm not a fan of "The Rules," but I don't think you should wait in your apartment for someone to call you back. You might feel amazing when you're with him, but it matters how you feel when he's not around, too. Is he treating you with respect and consideration by calling you back or initiating dates? Or are you doing all the work? These early signs show how he might treat you in the relationship, so pay attention.

Relationships aren't built in a day. Much like my first point, I advise you to keep dating others while you date your new love interest. It takes time to really get to know someone, so give it a chance to build before you start doling out ultimatums or questions about the future. Sit back, date, and enjoy the process!

When I was in school, rewriting an essay was the most dreaded assignment in any English class. I’d spent time on it the first time around; I’d looked it over before I turned it in. How could it get any better? Why waste my time?

Of course, once I sat down with the goal of improving it, it did, in fact, get better. It always turned out my first effort, no matter how good, could always be more polished. And yet, it was still something I had to force myself to do; it wasn’t intuitive.

When you construct an online profile, you don’t have an English teacher breathing down your neck. No one tells you to go back and do a second draft. Thus, it’s your responsibility to make yourself take a second look, preferably before you even post it in the first place. In fact, planning to do a second draft from the very beginning can actually improve your profile when you’re writing it the first time around.

It can be difficult to organize your thoughts, especially when you’re writing about yourself - after all, in what other subject are you more knowledgeable? The important facts and the interesting anecdotes can get lost in white noise. On the other hand, you know that you shouldn’t have a profile that’s long and ponderous, so you attempt to self-edit as you go. You could wind up with a jumble that doesn’t flow well and is missing key information.

So what to do? Well, if you’re intending on writing a second draft, you don’t have to worry about length the first time around. Write out all your thoughts, whether or not you think they’re the most important or interesting. Once everything is laid out before you, you might begin to notice common threads - an interest in helping people, for example, or an abundance of energy in work and play. Suddenly you’re not just reciting facts about yourself - you’re telling a concise story about the kind of person you are. And as any child can tell you, a story is far more interesting than dry facts.

As you begin to put pieces together and pull out threads, it becomes easier to recognize and delete the extraneous bits. And, of course, you might reword and edit grammar as you go, too. So as you sit down to create your profile, think of writing as a multi-step process. You’ll wind up less stressed, and with a more polished final product.

From the 24/7 connectivity provided by Facebook and Twitter, to obsession-causing virtual worlds like Second Life, to online RPGs and the endless hours of entertainment offered by streaming video sites, there are few things as addictive as the World Wide Web. Online dating has been hailed as the future for love-seeking singles everywhere, and has largely lived up to its reputation, but the world of online matchmaking is far from immune from the addictive powers of the Internet.

What begins as a genuine search for love and companionship turns into an unhealthy preoccupation for some online daters who become obsessed with creating the perfect profile, finding the perfect picture, and crafting the perfect message. Instead of increasing their chances of finding a match, the hours spent online feeding their addiction, instead of translating their online flirtations into real-world meetups, are detrimental to these daters' success. Has online dating become an obsession for you? Do you need to step away from the keyboard, and step back into the local singles scene?

Here are 3 signs that it's time for you to take a break from online dating:

1. You check your profile multiple times every day. Brushing your teeth more than once a day is a healthy habit. Signing into to your online dating account multiple times per day is not. Pay close attention to the amount of time you devote to searching the photos of eligible singles and writing messages to potential matches. Spending hours logged on, interacting with the digital world rather than the real one, is not going to make you a more interesting, desirable date.

2. You obsessively fine-tune your online persona. Is that photo intriguing enough? Does my profile make me sound attractive? Is this message intelligent, witty, and unique? Does my tagline express who I really am? Taking the time to create a profile that illuminates your personality and piques other singles' curiosity is advisable for any online dater, but obsessing over it is not. Try a few options until you find what works, and update it occasionally to reflect your life accurately, but don't make neurotic daily changes.

3. You've become unnecessarily picky. If no one can live up to your standards, maybe it's time to reevaluate your standards. There will always be duds on online dating sites - but there are plenty of great dates, too. Perhaps the list of dealbreakers on your profile is so daunting that other singles are discouraged, or maybe your search parameters are so narrow that you're missing out on a lot of compatible matches. Your expectations should be high, but not unrealistic.

If looking for love online is becoming an obsession, consider taking a break from dating in cyberspace. Focus on real-world dating for awhile and return refreshed, armed with realistic expectations, a few new skills to increase your chance of success, and an addiction-free approach to online dating.

I'll admit it: when it comes to online dating, I unashamedly take sides. I think online dating is a great opportunity for the millions of singles who haven't found love via traditional means (and even for those who have, but want to cast a wider dating net), and I tend to write-off anyone who criticizes the Internet's unique approach to matchmaking.

But in the interest of fairness, perhaps it's time that I present a dissenting view. I recently ran across the writings of Dr. Ali Binazir, author of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible, and though he won't be changing my mind any time soon, he has presented one of the most well-thought-out, intelligent, and reasonable arguments against online dating that I have seen yet. Here are some of Dr. Binazir's thoughts for the online love seeker who wants to be well-informed about exactly what they're getting into:

Online, it's easy to be fooled into thinking you have chemistry when you really don't.

Evolutionarily speaking, we are designed to choose a mate based on qualities like clear skin, good posture, an appealing aroma and tone of voice, facial symmetry, and articulate speech. These traits are signs of good health, fertility, and intelligence. Online, it's almost impossible to judge compatibility based on these factors, because we cannot see a potential match up close, listen to them speak, or watch them move. Online dating profiles only offer "a blurry, postage-stamp size series of static photos which cannot be heard, felt, or smelled," and a sample of "a person's writing, which has had no part in the eons of evolution of mate selection."

Online, it's easy to end up chasing what you don't actually want.

Online daters are notorious for telling little white lies, and sometimes blatant, gigantic lies, in hopes of attracting more interest. We've all heard the horror stories about dates who have met in person, only to find that they've met up with a completely different person than they'd been chatting to online. These shortcomings and dealbreakers could have been discovered almost instantly during an in-person encounter, but online you may waste hours, or even weeks, building a connection with someone who isn't what you're looking for in the first place.

Online, it's easy to focus on information that's irrelevant to your real compatibility with someone.

Have you ever had a great relationship with someone you weren't initially attracted to? I certainly have, and so has the vast majority of daters who decided to take a chance on someone they didn't feel an instant connection with. "The problem with online dating," Dr. Binazir says, "is that it puts right up front and center a whole bunch of extraneous information that could derail a potentially lovely relationship." Online daters are in "zero tolerance death-sort mode, tossing out contenders at the slightest provocation," like supporting an enemy sports team or loving reality television, meaning that they often miss out on great potential dates based on random information that's actually unimportant when it comes to long-term compatibility.

Have you experienced any of these situations? Has it changed your mind about online dating, or have you treated them as learning experiences and become a wiser dater?

Related Story: Online Dating: A Dissenting View (Part II)