Advice

Not every online dating website has the same sort of profile; even if it does, not everyone fills out their profile in the same manner. On the one hand, this is a good thing; human beings are unique and ought to be able to express themselves however they please. On the other hand, you want to be able to easily figure out who you’re dealing with, and wading through a laundry list of favorite restaurants might not be the most helpful. So if you’re new to the online dating world or just joined a new site with an unfamiliar format, what should you look for while perusing a profile?

First, look for basic facts. They might not want to give specifics, and that’s understandable from a privacy perspective. Still, you ought to be able to get a general idea. Do they list a general profession? Are they a student? Do they have hobbies or interests? Beware of profiles that say nebulous things like, “I love to have fun” without giving the slightest hint of what their idea of “fun” is - they could be spam accounts. In short, do you feel like you’re looking at the profile of a real person, or is it the online dating equivalent of those pictures of models included when you buy a new frame?

Once you’ve established that you’re dealing with a human being, get a feel for who they are. Do they have a sense of humor? Can you hear their “voice” through their writing? Are their pictures telling a story about their personality, or are they simply a series of in-the-mirror self portraits?

Next, it’s time to evaluate. Not everyone’s forte is writing, and beyond that, even a good writer might have a hard time when it’s their own profile, or if they’re new to the online dating world. If there’s anything that stands out to you, analyze whether it’s ultimately insignificant - a laundry list of favorite bands might be annoying but it’s not the end of the world - or whether it’s actually a red flag. Are you catching undertones of bitterness or negativity, or is this just someone who’s trying to be funny? Is this person being deliberately vague about the facts of their life, or are they just trying to show off their creative writing skills?

In short, the specific format of the profile doesn’t matter, as long as you can easily pull out the relevant strands of information. With time, you might find you can scan for the pertinent information first, then read the entire thing if you’re interested. And as you read more and more profiles, ask yourself: can others find the information they seek as easily on your own profile?

It’s not uncommon to hear that dating becomes more difficult as you get older. When you’re a kid, in school, you’re thrust into a group of mostly-single peers with similar backgrounds and shared experiences; finding someone you at least have something in common with is relatively less difficult. As an adult, you might be a few decades younger or older than your co-workers, and they might not be the gender you’re looking for; finding someone compatible isn’t as easy. However, that doesn’t mean you should despair after age 21! In fact, there are a few ways in which dating as an adult is actually easier.

First of all, there’s considerably less game-playing. Remember the days when you were told that child at school was mean because they secretly liked you? How about the phrase “hard-to-get”? Thankfully, most adults have moved past head games and just want to find a friend. Most of the remaining ambiguity comes from different factors: maybe they don’t realize they have feelings yet, or they’re dealing with baggage. While that can be frustrating too, at least most adults aren’t being obtuse because they feel like they should be.

Next, you’re probably in better shape, either mentally, physically or both. Teenagers are full of hormones, angst, and insecurity. They probably haven’t discovered the most flattering clothes and haircuts for their bodies. Some people might peak in high school, but most find they generally like themselves more at some later point - and that added confidence can do wonders for a relationship.

Finally, with maturity comes better perspective. An adult knows that there’s more to a good relationship than the latest hairstyle or a good car. All those “nice person” characteristics like stability, kindness, and honesty are now even more appreciated. Another adult may more easily spot your good qualities - and you can better identify theirs, as well.

If you find yourself in the dating world as an adult, don’t fret; it might be more difficult to find someone compatible at the mall, but once you find the right person, there are far more benefits to being a “grown-up.”

We covered a lot of ground in Part I and Part II, but there's one last thing that every loved up Holiday Survivalist needs: a well-equipped survival kit. This isn't your average survival kit - it doesn't include batteries, canned food, and a loaded rifle for when the zombies come. This is a relationship survival kit, a kit that contains everything you need to make it through the stressful holiday season with your couplehood intact.

So what should you pack in your holiday relationship survival kit?

• Candles and matches. In the event of a disaster things can seem pretty dark and bleak, especially during a season that's supposed to be about love, happiness, and togetherness. Make sure that you have candles on hand to shed light on those gloomy moments. Remind yourself of what the season is supposed to be about, and highlight the good things in your life. Put the spotlight on yourself when you need time alone, and on your partner when you need to focus on nurturing your relationship.

• First aid supplies. The holidays can be a painful time. Old scars begin hurting again, and new injuries are caused. The emotional wounds of the past and present can come flooding back during this time, from thoughts of relatives we have lost to conflicts with parents and siblings left over from childhood. Remember this as you enter the holiday season, and be prepared to be each other's support system if it's needed.

• A battery-operated clock. It's easy to lose track of time, especially when life feels crazier than usual and you're not thinking straight. But time doesn't stop or change because it's a special time of year, so plan accordingly. Don't over-schedule yourself and add unnecessary stress to an already-stressful time. Don't commit to more things than you can reasonably accomplish, and don't be afraid to say "no" to things that will add to the strain. Plan family time in a way that is fair and comfortable for both you and your partner, and don't forget to schedule in time for yourselves!

• Walkie-talkies. Communication is key at all times, but it's twice as important during a crisis. Keep a clear line of communication open between you and your partner, so that you have a strong support system in place when the pressure gets overwhelming. Discuss your feelings on big issues like family time, traditions, gift buying, finances, and scheduling.

Arm yourself with this gear, and you will be fully prepared to take on any disasters the holiday season throws at you.

I recently heard an older woman scoffing about online dating. “Why do people have to turn to the Internet?” she asked. “When I was growing up, it was perfectly acceptable to find someone from your own town. Your own high school, even! And I came from a class of 300!”

Granted, it was just a typical “In my day...” statement that all people will make at some point, but it got me thinking. Why do we need to broaden our search? If the world is growing ever more crowded, why do we search increasingly greater distances? Here are a few of my thoughts on the matter.

First of all, it’s true that historically people frequently met and married people much closer to home. It made more sense for the society at the time - all socializing was pretty much limited to the town limits, so these were the people with whom you probably had the most in common. Even then, there were the occasional people who felt the need to stretch their wings, and they went off to “big cities” to find people more like them.

But consider our society today. First, people move around the country much more frequently, so where you live now is likely not where you grew up. Thus, you’re not tied by the same background. Secondly, think about interests and hobbies. Over time it’s become possible to be interested in an increasingly wide variety of pastimes, and the Internet has only facilitated that. In turn, if you’ve got an obscure hobby, the chances of knowing someone local with the same interest become increasingly small.

Online dating is an excellent way to find people more like yourself, no matter where you live or how obscure your interests are. By doing a simple search, you can find people who have more in common with you instantly than you might through chance meetings over an entire year.

That being said, don’t underestimate the power of simple chemistry. While online dating can certainly shorten a long search, there’s always the chance that you just might find someone down the street, or at work. The world is very big - but don’t be so concerned with the horizon that you miss the path in front of you!

We're entering holiday season, which is a joyous time for some but not for others, especially those who are contemplating breaking things off with a significant other. While it's tempting to stay together for the festivities, parties, and gifts, sometimes it's better to head into holiday season alone. If you're unhappy, staying together to avoid being alone isn't a good reason, and serves as only a temporary distraction from making a very difficult decision.

Following are some suggestions to help yourself move out of a relationship and on to healing through the holidays:

Rely on family and friends. When you break things off before the holidays begin, give a heads-up to your family and friends. Let them know what you need: if it's to talk about what happened, or just be a shoulder to cry on. Most will be happy to be supportive, so let them.

Make plans. Again, this is a great time to call up those friends to go for a happy hour, dinner, or a movie. Friends are an invaluable support system when you're alone for the holidays, so be sure to make time with them so you can be busy instead of thinking about your ex. And when you go out, remember to have some fun. You don't have to talk about your break-up - sometimes it's good to just relax, let go, and have a good time.

Accept invitations. Just because you don't have a date on your arm for the office holiday party or your friend's dinner, make plans to go. When we go through break-ups, it's tempting to stay in and watch endless TV, especially when the alternative is facing a roomful of couples and partygoers. But think of this - the holidays are the best time to meet new people, because there are so many parties and opportunities to connect. Even though you're not ready to date, it's nice to flirt and make some connections. You never know what could happen down the line.

Pamper yourself. It's difficult to make a transition from couple to single, especially over the holidays when families and friends come together, making you feel more alone than ever. But remember that this is temporary. You'll soon be back on your feet; you just need time to heal. Take advantage of the time you have for yourself and get pampered - whether it's by taking that weekend trip to the beach or spending a day at the spa. You deserve a little comfort, so treat yourself.

Remember, there is never a convenient time for a break-up, so do what feels right for you.

In the weeks leading up to and immediately following the winter holidays, it’s not unusual to see a spike in new people who are interested in giving online dating a whirl. It makes sense; the holidays leave them inundated with ads, movies, and messages that leave them reassessing their choices and re-evaluating their priorities. However, what few people realize is that the holidays are actually a pretty poor time to begin dating.

First of all, you might well meet someone new in the influx of fresh blood; whether you’ll be able to find a time to meet is another story. Holidays are full of prior obligations - to friends, family, even acquaintances we hardly ever see (hey, it can take hours to fill out all those greeting cards). With the first stirrings of snow and turkey decorations, you might feel a longing for someone special and fill out an online profile - and then be hard-pressed to find time to actually communicate with anyone for the next six weeks. Don’t be surprised if communication with someone new is spotty at best; they might be swamped for days, then have nothing to do for a week. And their level of ‘busy’ might be directly inverse with yours.

Secondly, the holidays are typically a time of family gatherings, whether you’re talking about a biological family or one comprised of people you’ve chosen. When you start dating over the holidays, it’s all the more likely that your date will be prematurely thrown into the family mix - dinners, football games, bonfires. Is your relationship ready to be scrutinized like a holiday parade?

Even just meeting for the first time during the holidays can be tricky. You or your date might be bloated and lethargic from too many turkey dinners, or frazzled from the holiday business rush. Whether or not they’re entirely self-created, there are often extra expectations over the holidays, leading to extra stress. It’s simply not a time when many people are at their best.

So what does this mean? Should you just postpone dating altogether until after the dust of fake snow has settled? Well, no, you don’t have to. The key to surviving dating during the holidays is the same as surviving the holidays in general: try to be flexible and keep an open mind. Understand the pressures you face, and realize that the people you’re communicating with are dealing with the same. Relaxation is the main weapon against the holiday frazzle; use it well, and you can use the influx of people new to the dating world to your advantage without becoming swamped in expectation yourself.