Advice

The new year is a time for breaking old, bad habits and establishing new, healthy patterns. I've already talked about a few of the bad habits that may be sabotaging your relationships, but what else might be in need of a New Year's resolution in 2012?

1. Eliminating insecurities. Does any of this sound familiar? You refuse to let your partner see you naked unless the lights are off. You find yourself unable to accept compliments. When you think about how great your partner is, you wonder why he or she is dating you. Those are all signs of major insecurities. Not only are they harming your relationships, they're not a productive part of your life in general. Eliminating insecurities can be tough, soul-searching work, but the benefits are so numerous that it's well worth pushing through the hard parts.

2. Letting go of limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs may explain why you have insecurities in the first place. Limiting beliefs are the negative thoughts and self-talk that your mind is convinced are reality, like "There's something wrong with me," or "I don't deserve to be happy," or "No one will ever love me." Is it really a surprise that beliefs like that are taking a toll on your relationships​? Practice letting them go and replacing them with new beliefs that are in alignment with your vision for yourself, like "I am confident and ready for love."

3. Overcoming neediness. Major attraction killer alert! Neediness does not a happy relationship make. A clingy partner is a major turn off, and worse, it's likely to destroy your confidence and cause depression. Make sure that you have an interesting, exciting, fulfilling life outside of your relationship. Pursue your own interests, cultivate your own passions and hobbies, travel without your partner, and spend time solo with your friends.

4. Do away with dealbreakers. Ok, you don't have to get rid of all of them - let's face it, they're there for a reason! - but you should seriously consider doing away with a few of them. Which ones aren't really serving you? Does it actually matter which side of the bed he sleeps on, or whether or not she loves Metallica? Are those things really the foundation for a strong relationship? Some dealbreakers are good, like "must not be a serial killer" (you're only going to make that mistake once!), but having too many dealbreakers is a dealbreaker itself because it may prevent you from meeting someone amazing.

5. Say "no" to negativity. We enter relationships because we want to be with someone who brings joy and light into our lives. Someone who brings happiness and humor with them wherever they go. Someone who improves our life just because they're in it. Can you do that if you're a constantly negative person? Of course not! Negative people score very low on the dateability index. Practice cutting negative thoughts, actions, and words out of your repertoire, and replace them with their positive counterparts. Positivity is extremely contagious, but it's much more desirable than the common cold and it doesn't cause the sniffles.

Are you starting a new diet or exercise regime in the New Year? Do you want to break an old bad habit, like perpetually running late or chewing your nails? There are an endless number of noble pursuits when it comes to resolutions - big or small - and now is the perfect time to make these changes for the better. But what about your old habits when it comes to dating? Should they change, too?

Many people continue dating exactly like they always have, blaming their unexciting love lives on the limited choice of available men and women. How often do you say, "he's not my type" after a date? How often do you feel that online dating has become a ho-hum experience? Maybe there's another way of looking at things to increase opportunities for excitement and passion - even lasting love.

Instead of blaming the things outside of your control (where you live, the type of people you're meeting, the lack of available single men or women), try changing the things that are under your control. For instance:

Loosen your list. Maybe you prefer to date academics or musicians, but why not try lawyers or entrepreneurs instead? In other words, don't limit your choices before you've really started exploring what's out there. Don't feel comfortable dating an older woman, or maybe a younger man? Then try it! Push past those limits you've placed and see who you might meet.

Keep an open mind. Instead of deciding within ten minutes of meeting someone whether or not you have chemistry and if it's worth your time, put off all your judgments. Think of your date as a developing friendship, rather than a chemistry test. If you enjoy someone's company, go out again. There's no reason to cut things off just because you don't have that surge of passion from the start. The best relationships grow from two people really getting to know each other first - rather than heavy chemistry followed by disappointment because you didn't see who they really were.

Take some risks. It takes a considerable amount of courage to date. You're putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable to someone else in order to be intimate. So, have some respect for your dates, even if they don't go so well. Try new places, and make a better attempt at introducing yourself around and engaging in conversation with people you've just met. The more you take risks to find love, the better you're able to navigate the waters and the more likely you'll find someone special.

Make some dating resolutions. Just like a new exercise regime, when you keep at it, you'll see results.

Happy New Year!

They’re the thing we dread most, when we’re on a date or just talking to someone with whom we aren’t incredibly comfortable: awkward pauses. It seems like such a benign thing, really: just a moment of space in a conversation. Still, an awkward pause can make us sweat, and worse, strike insecurity in us, causing a slow downward spiral of conversation quality. Awkward pauses are inevitable, but with some practice, we can minimize them, and handle them effectively when we need to.

First, there’s the issue of practice. Practice might not make perfect, but it can certainly take away the element of surprise. When people turn to online dating, it’s often because they don’t have much opportunity to meet new people - which means they’re probably not talking to strangers on a regular basis. So get your practice where you can find it! It doesn’t matter if it’s the gas station checkout clerk or the person standing next to you in the long holiday shopping line; simply getting comfortable with smiling and saying hello to someone new can be a help when your adrenaline has better things to worry about.

Next, there’s nothing wrong with doing a little homework before you head out on a date. It’s easy to get involved in the general busyness of everyday life and ignore the rest of the world; however, right before a first date, when you’ll be casting about for conversation topics, is not an ideal time. Take a few minutes to scan a news site for the big topics. Try to make a note of ones that are, well, not incredibly depressing. It might be a little soon for the most hot-button issues, too; remember to scope out the entertainment, science and technology sections for something a little more tame.

It’s good to have topics prepared just in case, but remember to really listen to your date. There’s nothing wrong with a little space here and there; it shouldn’t be a goal to fire off as many topics as you can to fill the time. Listen to your date’s answers, and respond accordingly. You might wind up on a topic far away from the ones you had prepared - and really, those are the best kinds of conversations!

Finally, remember that a slower pace, or space between answers, isn’t the enemy of good conversation. Talking over dinner or coffee can make pauses feel more natural, as you sip your drink or take a bite. If anything, a space might mean that your date is actually thinking about the question, which certainly isn’t a bad thing!

Even with preparation, an awkward pause is bound to happen sometime. If it does, perhaps the best defense is to address it head-on - maybe with a joke about getting the awkward moment out of the way. Regardless, when you’re prepared and confident, an awkward pause might not seem like a big deal after all - and you can focus on the conversation, instead of the pauses in it.

With the end of the year approaching, it's time to start planning your New Year's resolutions. You're on your own for goals about fitness and finances, but I can offer a few suggestions for your love life. We all have bad habits we need to break, and what better time than the new year to make some major changes to the behaviors that are sabotaging our relationships?

Some of the bad habits that may be harming your relationships are:

1. Poor communication skills. Your partner forgets to take out the trash - what do you do? A) Silently steam about it for days and leave the rotting refuse in place hoping your partner will remember, B) Take it out yourself and discuss the problem with your partner later, or C) Fly into a rage (and maybe launch the bag at your partner's head). If you answered anything but B, your communication skills could use a little work. The next time you feel upset about something your partner does (or doesn't do), take a moment to think about the seriousness of the offense. Is it really a big deal? Is it something you can handle yourself instead? If not, is your anger proportionate to the problem? Is your anger actually about another, deeper issue? Instead of starting a screaming match, calmly explain why you're upset using "I" language that doesn't place the blame on your partner - "I was upset when you didn't take out the trash, because I'd told you how busy my schedule was and felt like you didn't care."

2. Being a scorekeeper. Keeping score is for the sports arena, not for your relationship. As my father always told me, "Life isn't always fair." That sounds bleak, but it really isn't - there's no reason to keep track of all the give and takes in your relationship, because life can't be lived on "Yes, but's" alone. "Yes, we spent last Thanksgiving with my family, but we spent it with your family for 4 of the last 5 years." So what if things aren't always "fair?" When you worry too much about the payoffs of your actions, you lose sight of what's really important. It's always better to give a lot than to give none, because the best way to get a lot out of something is to put a lot into it.

3. Living in the past. You know this is a problem for you if you find yourself treating your partner like he or she is responsible for (or will repeat) the problems in your last relationship. This is a result of your subconscious mind working against you - rather than preventing old problems from arising, living in the past will cause new problems in your current relationship. To fix it, ask yourself what still bothers you from former relationships and how it may be manifesting in your new relationships. Then, every time you feel angry with your current partner, ask yourself if he or she really deserves or is just a victim of the problems in your past.

Single women know what their dating preferences are, especially when it comes to age. For each woman, it's different. Some prefer older men who seem more well-established and mature, while others prefer the energy and ambition of a younger man.

So, who's right when it comes to finding love? Should we all become cougars, searching for men who can help us hold on to our spontenaeity and youth? Or should we go for older guys, who have more experience and know how to better communicate (maybe because they've been through a divorce)?

The answer is, there's no right answer. First of all, the stereotypes don't ring true. A person's maturity level, willingness to commit, and ability to communicate are dependent on more than age. Someone who is thirty might be ready for a long-term relationship and unafraid to start a family with an older woman. Or he could be more set in his ways than someone twenty years older. On the other hand, a man in his fifties could have a youthful spirit and degree of spontaneity not found in someone half his age. He could also be unwilling to commit, preferring his bachelor status.

The point is, there's no way to tell what kind of person you will meet purely based on his age. Often, once you get to know him, his age is not as relevant as you might think. So if you are filtering out your online searches or telling your friends, "please don't set me up with anyone younger than 35 - or older than 40," you might want to rethink your strategy. There could be a lot of quality men you don't get to meet because you're filtering them out based on an arbitrary idea of who you think they are.

When I was online dating, I was scared to date any men much older or younger than me. I thought that they wouldn't be serious, or that they'd have too much baggage. As it turns out, I filtered out a man who would later become my husband - because of his age. (He was on the same online dating site that I was at that time.) The only reason we are together now is because I met him one night at a mutual friend's party, quite by accident.

We laughed about our online dating disconnect, but I realized a valuable lesson: I got a second chance to find him, but others in my situation might not be so lucky. So I encourage everyone who is dating: let go of the filters and see who you meet. They could surprise you.

Joining an online dating site is typically thought of as less stressful than dating by more traditional means; you can check out profiles from the comfort of your own home, any time of day, and you don’t need to get dressed up and spend an evening out that may yield few results. You can complete a profile in your own time, with careful editing, so you have total control over your first impression. However, what many don’t realize is if they’re not careful, they can set up an entirely different set of expectations, and make online dating more stressful than it needs to be.

The single biggest mistake that online daters make is thinking that relationships begin due to the profile alone. Profiles are simply the equivalent of “noticing” someone in a crowded room; the extra details, like whether you have common interests, make it more likely that emailing this person, or “saying hello” is worth your time, but there’s no guarantee of chemistry, or even that you’ll like each other once you’ve said hello.

Thus, it’s tempting to spend an unreasonable amount of time perfecting the profile, over-thinking every phrase, without ever considering what might happen beyond “hello.” In the comfort of our own home, it can be difficult to mentally transition from an idea of a match to a real person.

The curse of over-thinking can also make an appearance on the first date. Compare meeting someone through an online dating site with someone you’ve randomly met in a bar: through online dating, you’ve read each other’s profile, had conversations through email, and have some idea whether you’re compatible, as opposed to someone who’s a blank slate. And yet, it’s not uncommon to feel less confident in the chemistry present, or even your own attractiveness. Why? Well, perhaps when we can control various aspects of dating - like, say, our profile - we become all the more conscious of elements we can’t control. We want so much to have a successful date, that we forget to let the date actually happen.

So when you’re writing your profile or heading out for a date, try to remember that there’s a certain element of chance, parts you can’t control - and that’s okay. There are no bonus points for having a picture-perfect first date, or starting a relationship as efficiently as possible; you’re just trying to find the right fit for you. Enjoy the moment, and the possibility of a new friend. Online dating can take quite a bit of stress out of the dating game; don’t add any back in with over-analyzing.