Advice

It’s the start of a new year - a time, for many of us, that signifies a fresh beginning, a time to assess, to make new goals. Unfortunately, it also tends to be marked by unrealistic expectations and self-inflicted pressure. The resolution craze is seen in the world of online dating, as well; it’s not uncommon for someone to decide that this will be the Year They Find Love. What they don’t know is that such an approach may hinder them more than help.

The problem with Finding Love is that it’s a slow process, an organic process. It starts as something dramatically different - infatuation, maybe, or friendship - and it’s not immediately recognizable. By focusing on the end goal - a long-term relationship, marriage, or something more nebulous - it’s possible to overlook or stumble on smaller steps along the way. At the very least, it’s harder to enjoy a blossoming relationship when you’re waiting for some magical, later point.

It’s also rather like making a goal to lose one hundred pounds: even when you’ve lost two, you know that you still have 98 to go, so it’s tempting to give up altogether. When you’ve made the lofty goal to find a life partner NOW, it can be easy to overlook the fact that you’ve received more responses to your first-contact emails than ever before. Giving yourself a daunting goal makes it all the more tempting to give in to negativity.

So what do you do when you want to make life changes? Start small, don’t give yourself an impossible time limit, and celebrate the small victories. Even if that first date didn’t pan out to something more, it was still a date! Perhaps you could set a goal to contact more people than you were before. Simply being proactive and getting out there is progress.

There’s nothing wrong with challenging yourself to achieve a goal, and some people work best with a formalized resolution. Just make sure you’re working with your strengths, and not making life more difficult for yourself. And when it comes to friendships, dating, and love, remember: enjoy the journey as much as the destination.

Have you found yourself thinking recently about "the one who got away?" If so, you might also be toying with the idea of getting back together. But is this a good idea?

Many people feel nostalgic for past relationships, especially when there's a lull in their love lives. They long for the sense of love and companionship that they once had, maybe because they're having a hard time finding it again. The movie "Young Adult" discusses this controversial topic in an interesting way, with a woman in her thirties determined to get back her high school boyfriend, even though he's happily married and expecting a child.

I'm hesitant to tell anyone that it's a good idea to get back together with an ex. Usually, there's a reason you broke up (regardless of who initiated things) - and there were problems that one or both of you felt you couldn't overcome together. Sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but when it comes to exes, it's murkier territory. You might still have feelings, but are they based in the present, or in what you want to feel again based on the past - or even what's currently lacking in your own life?

Instead of dwelling on what might have been, a healthier approach is to focus on what you want. If you desire companionship or passion, envision it with someone new. Picture the relationship you want to have.

Perhaps you were the one to break things off, and now you're regretting your decision. Maybe you've seen him with his new girlfriend and you're feeling jealous. Whatever the case, there is a reason you broke up. Something in your relationship wasn't working. Perhaps the timing was off, or you weren't ready for a commitment. This means that the relationship wasn't meant to last, so don't beat yourself up for making a mistake, or try to insert yourself back into your ex's life just because it suits your needs right now.

If he broke up with you, don't second-guess his motivations or what he might want. If he calls from time to time feeling nostalgic for you and wanting to talk, don't indulge this pattern. Think about your future and creating intimacy with someone new. If you still have feelings for him, don't try to be friends. Give yourself time and space to heal.

Most importantly, remind yourself that it's okay to move on and meet the person who is right for you. And this time, you'll be ready.

If singlehood had a Facebook profile, its relationship status would be "it's complicated."

It's the ultimate love-hate relationship. Some people savor the single life, some people can't stand it. And regardless of which side of the singlehood debate you fall on, you've probably had at least a few experiences that made you seriously consider switching teams.

If you're the confirmed bachelor/bachelorette type, congratulations. Finding your perfect match is as easy as looking in the mirror. But if you fall into the unattached-and-unhappy-about-it category, life can seem a little more bleak. You're more than ready to find love, so why isn't love ready to find you?

You've had some bad relationships. You've dated some disappointing people. And there are ways to improve both of those things. But what you should really be focused on improving is yourself, because you're the common denominator in every dead-end relationship you've ever had. So what might you be doing wrong?

• You're shallow. How long is your list of dealbreakers? How many of them actually matter? You don't need someone who's over 6 ft tall, or red-headed, or rich, or a lover of country music, or a 49ers fan. You need someone who makes you feel good. Focus on the things that create real compatibility, not superficial characteristics that aren't likely to stand the test of time.

• You're too negative. Don't let your personal history get the better of you. It doesn't matter how bad your family life was or how many awful relationships you've been in. Your past belongs in the past. Approach new relationships with an open mind and an open heart and, above all, approach them with a positive attitude.

• You're not honest about what you're looking for. If what you want is a relationship - serious, committed, and long-term - then be upfront about it right from the beginning. Don't hide your interest in a serious relationship because you think it will scare dates away. You will only end up wasting precious time dating people who don't share your relationship goals.

• You're worried you're not good enough. Do you think the reason you haven't settled down yet is that you're just not good enough to be someone's partner? Well I have news for you: you've got it all wrong. Finding love starts with loving yourself. The most perfect person you could ever be is the person you already are. Discover what makes you amazing.

That's the bad news. But there's good news too: it's all fixable. You are the single thing on this planet that you have the unlimited capacity to change. Use it wisely, focus on transforming yourself into a positive, confident, goal-oriented dater, and the single life might be over faster than you think.

Everyone has something they’re self-conscious about: their weight, some aspect of their appearance, their education, to name a few. For many, the fact they’d most like to fudge on their online dating profile is their age. But should they?

It’s a dicey issue. For some, one year might make the difference between showing up in a slew of profile searches - or not. We tend to think of “magic numbers” and base our profile searches accordingly: under 35, for instance, or under 50. In reality, there’s not much difference between a 34-year-old and a 36-year-old, but most choose nice “round” or “easy” numbers instead of thinking realistically about their own preferences. Thus, it’s not uncommon for a 36-year-old to have temporary amnesia or typo-ridden fingers when filling out their profile.

Does such a white lie hurt anyone? Probably not. But there are reasons to tell the truth, too. For one thing, there’s still a dishonesty stigma attached to online dating - everyone’s heard the story where the date didn’t match their picture or their stats at all, and your potential match might be on the lookout for the merest hint of an untruth. Why get a date off on the wrong foot because you’ve been caught in a white lie?

Secondly, when you’re fudging your age by five or more years, you run the risk of a generational gap. It’s hard to reminisce about those heady teen years listening to a certain band when your date was only seven years old. Five years might not seem like much, but it can make a difference in slang, pop-culture references, even interests. Now, that’s not to say a five-year-plus difference in age is insurmountable - it’s not, when both parties are aware of it! Otherwise it can make for some strange conversations - try explaining why you were only twelve when you had your daughter!

So, you don’t want to lie about your age, but you do still want to have a broad dating pool to choose from: what can you do? Well, one option is to email someone even though you fall outside their preferred age range. You might have more rejections than usual, but on the other hand, they might take a look at your profile and find you have a lot in common. It’s a gamble - but it’s not dishonest.

Ultimately, there’s no right answer when it comes to handling the age issue. If you lie about your age, you’ll have to come clean eventually and face the consequences; if you don’t, you might run the risk of being dismissed prematurely. Use your best discretion - and that also applies if you find yourself on the other end of the issue and your date is the one who fudged the facts! No one likes to discuss the very thing they’re self-conscious about; regardless of age, you and your date are adults, and should address the situation as such. Hopefully you’ll handle the issue gracefully, and move on to the important business of getting to know one another!

Do you have to be creative to appreciate online dating? That’s something I’ve been mulling over. It’s not uncommon to hear people saying that online dating takes all the “fun” out of the dating scene. “There’s no butterflies, no instant spark,” I’ve heard. “Because you’re doing this through a computer, it’s dehumanizing.” I’ve even heard it implied that people who find love through online dating sites must be some sort of robots!

Dehumanizing? Robots? Besides being downright insulting, it doesn’t even make sense: if anything, one must have more empathy, be able to draw more interest and emotion from the printed word. Still, such perceptions persist, so we might as well consider some common misconceptions about online dating, so we can debunk them with ease (instead of slack-jawed sputtering, and I may or may not be speaking from experience).

While there is a lack of pheromones and perhaps very little love-at-first-read-through, it’s quite a stretch to say that online dating isn’t much different than filing a tax form. Sure, the old adage “there are plenty of fish in the sea” is never more obvious than on an online dating site, where there are literally hundreds of profiles to turn to - but that doesn’t mean rejection doesn’t sting. No one likes to be rejected, and it’s hard to dust yourself off and get back on the horse, even when there are dozens of likable horses to choose from.

Sure, the sheer numbers involved may be overwhelming, but there’s a human being who wrote every profile. Why diminish their importance or impact? Thus, maintaining an earnest and honest interest in online dating, seeing people as individuals despite the fact that they’re the 50th profile you’ve seen - well, that takes a considerable amount of compassion. It’s incredibly human.

It’s true that you’re meeting a personality before testing the waters of chemistry. However, only a percentage of relationships begin with “love at first sight” or “an instant spark.” The rest begin as acquaintances, friendships, relationships that grow over time. And it’s honestly not a bad thing to be pretty sure you’re dealing with a genuinely good person before your brain is clouded with the chemicals of attraction. Is it animal instinct? Maybe not - but it’s certainly using our human logic.

So as you step into the world of online dating, it’s always possible that you’ll encounter those who say unfounded or even inflammatory things. Some of it may be simple ignorance, and a little education will go a long way. And if they persist in trying to wind you up, remember: focus on the positive relationships you’re looking to acquire in the future, instead of being mired in someone else’s negativity.

Dating is, as one might expect, a very personal subject for most people. It’s possible everyone has one funny “bad date” story they pull out for friends and family, but the majority of the time dating is no sitcom - there’s a lot of expectation, insecurity, nerves... not really a spectator sport. Not to mention the fact that well-meaning family and friends like to give their opinions on everything! I know many people who refuse to tell anyone when they start chatting with someone new - they’ll let in the peanut gallery when it’s already serious.

Thus, it may come as a surprise when I say that before you even enter the online dating scene - when you’re constructing your profile - is a prime time for some outside input.

“What?” you may think. “I already know how to use spell-check, and honestly I’m a better writer than most of my friends and family. Can’t I just proofread my own work a few extra times?”

Well, that’s not a bad alternative if you don’t have friends and family nearby or easily available, but the spelling and punctuation isn’t the issue: self-esteem is. No one wants to come off as arrogant, but the flip side is that it’s not uncommon for first-timers to actually undervalue their strengths and assets.

Let’s face it: we might know that we’re usually there for friends and we’ll give change to buskers if we have it, but we don’t really think of ourselves as “compassionate” when it comes time to describe ourselves. Conversely, we might know that people often refer to us as “responsible” or “strong,” but it’s hard to think of those concrete examples that help a person leap off the page beyond generic adjectives. In cases like these, two heads really can be better than one.

The key to collaborating successfully is to choose someone who won’t bring you down - someone who’s naturally supportive won’t make you feel self-conscious. The last thing you need is extra doubt! Remember, if you’ve got the writing aspect covered, you’re not necessarily looking for an editor - rather, a support system. Of course, it never hurts to have an extra set of eyes to proofread, either!

Writing a profile can be stressful, particularly for a first-timer. Why not make it fun with a friend or member of the family? Laughing and cracking jokes won’t detract from writing a good profile - and getting an outside perspective of yourself may allow you to kick off dating with a little extra confidence.