Advice

Undoubtedly a great deal of stress goes into preparing for a first date with someone new. You want everything to go smoothly; you want to reduce any unexpected complications. This time of year, though, the probability of unexpected complications is even higher - because it’s cold and flu season. It’s awkward enough when you get sick just before or during a first date; how do you handle it when it’s your date that’s under the weather?

First, let’s consider what happens if our date cancels at the last minute due to illness. While certainly the least stressful of our options, it’s often the one that causes the most over-thinking. It’s one thing to see your date looking visibly green; it’s another to receive a cryptic email or voice message. Were they really sick? Will they be the ones to reschedule? Are they really still sick? Engaging in this mental whirlpool is the way of madness.

The best policy is to give the benefit of the doubt and don’t second-guess. It’s not like you’re being bilked; all you have to lose is maybe some compassion. And if your potential match really is sick, the last thing they need is some paranoid person leaving them constant texts while they’re trying to sleep. That being said, it is okay to send an email or two asking how they’re feeling, with maybe a funny picture. Don’t bring up rescheduling; don’t make them feel guilty for being ill. And remember, the flu can take a week to recover from, so don’t be alarmed if they’re not up for much talking.

What if your date gets sick while you’re meeting for the first time? Well, imagine how you feel when you’re coming down with the flu - you’re disoriented, you’re probably horrified at being out in public. You’re distracted, to say the least, though you’re desperately trying to keep it together, and you might not make the best choices. It goes without saying that your date would be in no state to either represent their best self or pay any attention to yours.

So what can you do? Make the tough calls; ask if they need to leave, end the date if it’s necessary, help arrange transportation if they need it. They’re going to be feeling pretty embarrassed, especially if they were physically sick, so the best thing you can be is nonchalant but compassionate. Once they’re home, the same rules apply as in the other case; send a casual but concerned email, but don’t place extra pressure on them.

Some say our immune system can be weakened with stress. It’s never fun when a date is unexpectedly ill, but if you keep your cool in the face of germs, your date may recover all the faster - and you can get back to getting to know one another.

A young woman asked me recently about her new boyfriend's Facebook practices.

They met through a dating website, and apparently hit it off right away. They started going out and soon were spending a lot of time together. She fell for him and thought things were progressing well, until his schedule suddenly became mysterious. He stopped returning her texts and calls for days at a time, only to return as though nothing happened, showering her with attention and affection. She sensed something was up.

Turns out, he kept two Facebook accounts - one that seemed to be limited to his close friends and family and one that he shared with her - where all of his "friends" were women. (I'm not sure how she found his real page, but she did some snooping.)

Her question to me was: "Is he really interested in a relationship with me, or is he secretly dating other women on the side?"

There were so many red flags here, but my first thought was - if you sense something is wrong, it probably is. Go with your gut. She knew that this guy wasn't being honest, so she started investigating Facebook to confirm her suspicions instead of asking him what was up.

If you're dating someone and he doesn't introduce you to his friends or family, or keeps you at arm's length from the day-to-day happenings in his life, you're not really a girlfriend. If he mysteriously drops in and out of your life, you're a convenience. The relationship is on his terms.

Her boyfriend was displaying this same kind of distancing behavior over Facebook. If he has two separate Facebook accounts, and one of them consists only of women, then she isn't the only love in his life. He doesn't think of her in terms of an exclusive relationship, or even a relationship at all. So I would ask: what is the appeal of this guy, that she's willing to overlook the obvious (he's a player) in favor of how she wants to see him?

Facebook is often used for dating. Some people like to have separate accounts on Facebook for their professional life and personal life, or maybe even for meeting dates. But when you're dating, there should be full disclosure. If you want to date other people rather than be exclusive, let your dates know so they have the choice and you're on the same page. Don't use Facebook to hide bad behavior.

And if you're falling for someone, make sure you're not overlooking any red flags and that you're not settling for questionable or dishonest behavior. Trust your instincts.

For more information on using this social networking site for dating, you can read our review of Facebook.com.

Most people are aware of general safety precautions they should take before heading out on a first date, whether it’s someone they’ve met in person or someone they found through an online dating site: have your own transportation, be in a public place, leave your information with someone, and trust your gut instincts. One that might go overlooked, however, is alcohol.

We’ve all heard the jokes about “beer goggles” and how they make your conversation partner more attractive, but since dating and drinking go so frequently hand-in-hand, we don’t always remember that impairment of judgment isn’t necessarily something you want when out with someone you don’t yet know. It’s easy to remember such rules when you’re in college, going to parties and pretty much expecting to be irresponsible; but when you’re an adult who’s left wild parties behind, old bits of wisdom may slip through the cracks.

But there’s another reason why you might not want to involve intoxication on a first date: respect for you and your date. Remember, if you’re looking to find a long-term partner, a first date is chance for you both to evaluate your chemistry, whether you make each other laugh, whether you have the potential to become close friends. You owe it to yourself and your date to make the right decision, and to be as clear-headed as possible.

What if you’re not clear-headed? Think of it this way: if you do get a little tipsy, and you and your date do have more chemistry than usual, and you decide to go on a second date... what then? What if you simply don’t click when you’re not inebriated? You’ve just delayed the inevitable, and wasted time for the both of you.

Now, does this mean you can’t have a single glass of wine, or a beer? Of course not. Just remember: keeping your wits about you is far more important to the well-being of your relationship in the long run than temporarily washing away your nerves.

Creating your first online dating profile can be exciting, to say the least. You’re taking charge of your dating destiny and being pro-active! You’re thinking outside the box when the usual methods have been sub-optimal! You’re playing to your strengths and minimizing your weaknesses! It’s easy to get swept away on a tidal wave of expectation. At some point, however, it might be good to ask yourself: what, exactly, are you expecting to accomplish with your profile?

You see, if you don’t consciously ask yourself these questions, it’s all too easy for your expectations to grow unchecked. For example, I’ve known several people who, though they didn’t really think about it, expected that their profile would make someone fall in love with them. That’s right; they thought that if only their profile were good enough, it would be love at first read. Talking about these expectations aloud is a good way to get a little perspective; very few, if any, people would ever fall in love based on a few paragraphs of text.

So what should you expect from an online profile? Well, to put it bluntly, you’re looking to get your foot in the door. For many people, the most difficult part of finding someone special falls into two categories. The first is finding someone in the first place who shares your interests. The second is making it past that “first impression” stage - maybe they’re too shy to approach anyone, for instance. For some people, online dating neatly takes care of both those problems: customs searches raise the chances of finding someone with the same hobbies, and a well-edited profile is a guaranteed first impression.

In essence, your profile allows you to start a conversation with someone you might not ordinarily have met or noticed. It’s an alternate way of beginning to get to know someone, so there’s already something to talk about when you finally meet in person. Is it as grand as falling in love with one click of a mouse? Perhaps not - but the possibilities are pretty exciting regardless.

Over the last few months I've slowly been working my way through the three seasons of "Lie To Me" (thank you, Netflix!). The show is based on the work of Paul Ekman, a psychologist who studies the relationship between emotions and facial expressions, especially as they relate to deception and the detection of deception. One character in the show has caught my eye because, in a world of experts hired by clients to uncover deception, he adheres to the principles of Radical Honesty.

Radical Honesty was developed by Dr. Brad Blanton, who claims that lying is the primary source of human stress and that people would become happier if they were more honest, even about difficult subjects. Watching the show, and seeing the dynamic between a character who follows Radical Honesty and characters who believe that all humans lie for the sake of their survival, got me thinking...

Is lying a necessary part of human behavior? Is Radical Honesty a better approach? And how does that relate to romantic relationships? Should full disclosure be required between partners? Which creates more stable relationships in the long term?

A recent post on PsychologyToday.com shed a little bit of light on the issue. "Disclosure without taking responsibility is nothing at all," states the article. When it comes to relationships and disclosure, the big question on everyone's mind is "If you've cheated on your partner, and he or she does not suspect anything, are you obligated (and is it wise) to disclose?"

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D, suggests that the right course of action is to examine your motives for disclosure first. Lying doesn't encourage intimacy, but disclosing for selfish reasons, like alleviating yourself of guilt, may benefit you while harming your partner. Before sharing personal details or revealing missteps, consider why you feel the need to disclose in the first place. Ask yourself:

• Am I disclosing for the sake of greater intimacy with my partner, or because I believe a confession will benefit me?
• Will disclosure help or hurt my partner?
• Will transparency lead to greater trust, empathy, or simply to suspicion and distrust?

I have always favored honesty in my personal life, but I have seen situations in which full disclosure might not have been the best option. The goal, in any relationship, should be to create intimacy through honesty without hurting a partner or disclosing for selfish reasons. Like so many things in life, the right course of action seems to be a balancing act.

To disclose or not to disclose, that is the question.

When you sit down to edit your online dating profile, it can be a bit overwhelming. You want to be concise, but you’d better not have bare laundry lists! You want to allow insight into your personality and character, but you’d better not ramble! You might be sending messages through your pictures, your headline, the extra information you choose to share or keep private! It’s a tough tightrope to walk. So if you don’t feel you’re ready to join the circus quite yet, here’s one simple editing rule to keep in mind: watch for negativity.

Negativity can creep in in all sorts of nefarious ways. First, and most frequently, it pops up when you talk about yourself. In countless ways, we tell people we’re not special: “I’m an average guy,” “I do all the normal things on the weekend,” “I’m not a model,” and worse. Someone might apologize for not having an “interesting” career. Of course, when we look at the profiles of other people we fully realize that most people don’t have careers straight out of the movies and they don’t all look like actors; still, we place that sort of pressure on ourselves, and it shows.

Secondly, a negative attitude can become apparent when you talk about others. Most frequently, it’s related to your own baggage. Maybe it’s when we talk about the past: “I’m sick of party animals and the club scene.” Maybe it’s when we talk about what we want in the future: “I want someone who is faithful and not lying scum.” “Don’t even bother writing me if you’re afraid of commitment.” And maybe it comes up when we try to differentiate ourselves from the “competition”: “I’m not like those girls who mess around behind your back.” In this case, the old adage is proven true: If you can’t say something nice (about yourself or others), don’t say anything at all.

Finally, negativity can even creep into your pictures. Were you genuinely in a good mood when they were taken, or did you grimly take some head shots in a mirror because they’re required? Even if you’re smiling, the viewer can tell when the smile doesn’t reach your eyes, and it can turn them off without even fully realizing why. A candid, genuinely happy photo is always better than a fake posed one, even if it’s less flattering.

If you’re on the lookout for negativity in your profile, the rest of the tips and tricks become intuitive and easy. So don’t let yourself become overwhelmed when it comes to the editing phase: simply strike down negative impressions wherever you’ll see them, and you’ll be well on your way to a compelling profile.