Dating

Reports of online dating-related rape have risen by more than 450 percent in six years, according to the UK's National Crime Agency.

Between 2009 and 2014, the number of reports of serious sexual assaults during first face-to-face meetings following initial contact online rose in the UK from 33 to 184 – a nearly sixfold increase. With around seven million UK residents currently using dating sites, that number is a small fraction of total online encounters – but its growth is still a reminder that safety is an important concern when dating online.

“Early analysis indicates that the online dating phenomenon has produced a new type of sexual offender,” reads the NCA's report on the subject. “These offenders are less likely to have criminal convictions, but instead exploit the ease of access and arm-chair approach to dating websites. This is aided by potential victims not thinking of them as strangers, but someone they have got to know.”

Becaue online relationships tend to progress more quickly than those that begin offline, online daters often have a heightened (and misleading) sense of emotional intimacy. By the time they meet in real life, they falsely believe they are at a more advanced stage of the relationship than they really are. In turn, they are comfortable taking more risks than they normally would and can find themselves in vulnerable situations. That, the NCA posits, is why attacks are most often committed during the first face-to-face meetings.

Looking deeper at the stats, the majority of the victims were women. Eighty-five percent of those reporting rapes were female and 15 percent were men. In spite of safety warnings issued by dating services, police and rape-prevention groups, many opt not to hold their first dates in public spaces. As a result, 71% of the alleged rapes were committed at the victim's or offender's residence.

The National Crime Agency strongly emphasized that the increased risk associated with certain online dating behaviors does not mean blame should be placed on victims.

"A rape victim is never at fault and we do not want the circumstances in which these assaults take place to cause any victim to doubt that," said Sean Sutton, Head of the NCA's Serious Crimes Analysis Section. "Sexual assault is a crime, full stop, and we want victims to feel confident reporting it to the police."

For more information on preventing rape and sexual assault in an online dating context, the NCA recommends visiting Get Safe Online, an initiative supported by the government. The initiative's extenstive guidelines can help daters stay safe when meeting face-to-face.

As ubiquitous as the phrase “Netflix and chill” now is, it's not surprising that the streaming site could impact your love life. According to a new study released by Netflix itself, the shows and movies you watch online do affect your search for a soulmate.

The study, which examined a sample of 1,008 Americans 18-39 years old, found that around one third of respondents (27%) said show compatibility was important. Yes, in 2016, 'show compatibility' is a real thing. Netflix even coined the term 'show goggles' – the psychological phenomenon resulting in a drastic change in perceived attractiveness based on taste in TV shows.

A quarter of respondents admitted to having show goggles, with 13% saying they would ask someone out solely based on if they liked similar shows. Men seemed to be more susceptible than women – 34% said they are likely to get smitten based on shared tastes in shows and movies.

As we date, Netflix helps us get closer. Fifty-eight percent of study participants said they bond over Netflix. Instead of asking questions over coffee, discussing movie and televeision preferences helps us get to know each other better. Sixty-five percent said they engage in negotiations while choosing what to watch, while 35% said they trade show for show.

The couple that streams together, stays together. Netflix continues to play a role as things get more serious. Sharing a Netflix account is now a modern milestone along the lines of going Facebook official. “More than half of respondents said sharing a Netflix account felt like a 'serious' step forward in the relationship,” reports Forbes, “and 17% said they would wait until getting engaged or married to share an account.”

And no, it doesn't end there. Once a relationship is established, Netflix plays an integral role in maintaining the closeness of that bond. Seventy-two percent of respondents who were married or in a relationship said that staying in and watching Netflix was a favourite way to spend date night.

What the study doesn't address is what happens if things don't work out. While some couples live happily ever after with their Netflix queues, binge-watching into the sunset together, others aren't so lucky. In the event of a break-up, who gets the joint Netflix account? Add that to the list of things that have to be divvied up, along with the social circle and the cat.

If you need to come up with the perfect date and a cupid-worthy gift. If this study is right, the pressure's off. All you need is a comfy couch and a Netflix subscription.

There’s no doubt that Tinder has changed online dating. Instead of checking profiles on our laptops in the privacy of our homes, Tinder has turned swiping and judging potential dates into a game that people share openly. In fact, it’s become an addiction for some. Even when they meet a date they like, that they want to keep swiping and seeing who else is out there.

In fact, having so many choices has turned us into dating “robots,” according to one essay in The New Inquiry. That is, on Tinder, people mindlessly swipe. Perhaps they message a few people, or arrange to go out on a few dates, but the intention when using Tinder is not to focus on building a relationship, but on swiping. In fact, they argue that being on Tinder is promoting the idea of being “chill” and conveying to your dates that you have no expectations with a date leading to anything (even if you do).

In fact, being “chill” is such a prominent part of dating app culture, that people have essentially taught themselves that their feelings should be removed from the equation, in order to be open to even more opportunities. More is better, right? Online daters have become “emotionally disassociated,” as the authors of “Tinderization of Feeling” argue, simply because it’s so emotionally draining to look at so many photos, have so many options – because what happens if you make the wrong choice? What happens if you emotionally invest in a date only to have them reject you?

Today, rejection seems almost intolerable, though rejection historically has been a natural part of dating. But if you make the date feel more casual – i.e. a “hang” or just meeting someone for 20 minutes before you start swiping again – there's no real rejection. You will always be looking for the next, better option, instead of having regret over not dating someone. Because….what if there’s someone better?

The authors of The New Inquiry article argue the problem all comes down to having too many choices. They say: “Living with a sense of overwhelming choice means exerting an insane amount of emotional energy in making the most banal decisions.” People can barely make a decision about what to watch on Netflix, there are so many options…it’s no different with dating. So with Tinder, the swiping becomes a game, because we don’t leave any room for more complexity and the intricacies involved with getting to know someone and developing true feeling for them – we don’t know how to deal with a potential date beyond the yes/no initial factor.

So, swipe, message, meet, maybe sleep with, then move on becomes the norm.

But you can choose differently. You can have control over how you want to date by taking more time and getting to know your dates. By rejecting the yes/no one-second response time of Tinder in favor of a more considered approach. What if you took your time, and invested emotionally in the potential of one of your dates? What if you took a risk?

Love doesn't just happen without effort, without risk. If you want to keep swiping and dating, you'll probably end up in a series of unfulfilling, emotionless flings. But if you put yourself out there? The rewards and risks are much greater. But isn't that the point of love?

There is a better and more effective way to date. You just have to be willing to get past all the swiping and figure it out in person, on a real date. You have to be willing to risk rejection - real rejection - as well as love.

For more about this dating app, please read our review of Tinder.

Dating is a peculiar thing. Most of us hate doing it, because it feels like a waste of time when you go through the motions and still don’t meet anyone worth pursuing. It might feel pointless to join online dating sites or download apps, spend time messaging, and then when you meet potential dates, realize the match isn’t right less than ten minutes into your drinks.

But here’s the thing: dating is the process by which you get to the actual relationship. There’s just no other way.

Of course not everyone is going to be a good match, compatible, or even someone you find attractive. But this doesn’t mean you quit the process and then hope love stumbles on to your doorstep.

In fact, the opposite is true. The more time you put into dating, the more likely you are to develop a relationship. And I don’t just mean because you will be meeting a lot of people, but because you will be taking time out of your schedule to make finding a relationship a priority.

When you invest your time and effort into something, it might not yield results right away, but it creates an environment for success to happen. Take for instance, another type of life goal you have. Say you want to lose twenty pounds. Do you wait around, thinking that eventually you will lose this twenty pounds because fate will step in and help? Or do you join a gym, or a running group, or start an exercise regime?

You won’t yield results right away. As with any goal worth achieving, it will take time, effort, and some determination on your part. It won’t be easy.

It’s the same thing with work – you can’t expect a promotion without putting the time and effort into your job. When you focus your intentions on what you want, and you make time for it in your life, then you see real progress. Even if you don’t get that coveted promotion, you’ve gained skills that you can take to another, higher-paying or more prestigious job – because you have put in the time and effort. It’s never wasted.

Dating is the same. If you put in the time and effort, you will start to see results. But this means challenging yourself – going on more dates, giving more people a chance who you wouldn’t normally consider, thinking outside of your comfort zone. You have to stretch yourself to see what you are capable of.

As I say in my book Date Expectations, dating is a process to get to really know yourself and what you want. But you have to make the time for it.

From the first date, to the first kiss, to your first time between the sheets, every new relationship is marked by a series of milestones. Every one you reach is thrilling and nerve-racking, and daters have wondered since the beginning of time how to hack the system.

A new survey from Match.com attempts to answer the question of when it's the 'right' time to cross each milestone. More than 2,000 men and women in the UK were surveyed in attempt to map out the journey of the average (as much as any relationship can be 'average') long-term relationship. Here's what they found.

Within Two Weeks

The Match.com chart starts at the logical beginning: the first date. According to Match's research, the first kiss happens immediately. In the next one to two weeks, a budding couple will hold hands for the first time. They will also sleep together for the first time in that period, although they won't stay the night.

Within A Month

After the two-week point, things take a slightly more serious turn. A new couple will get undressed in front of each other – but only with the lights off – within a month. They will also introduce each other to their respective best friends.

Within Six Months

The relationship solidifies over the first six months together. Couples buy each other their first birthday presents and begin to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. At five months comes one of the biggest milestones of all: saying 'I love you.' After that, the realities of a life together begin to sink in. Couples have their first argument around 170 days, reveal imperfections around 173 days, and introduce each other to parents before six months are up.

Within A Year

Couples become increasingly permanent fixtures in each other's lives during the first year. After six months have gone by, they are comfortable leaving toothbrushes at each other's bathrooms and having a drawer in each other's homes. Then comes the travel. At 204 days, they'll go away for a night together and at 298 days they'll take an entire vacation. Within a year, it's time to have a serious conversation about the future.

Over A Year

The biggest life milestones come after the one-year mark is reached. The average couple gets engaged at 743 days (around 2 years), gets a pet at 813 days, and buys a home together just before they reach three years. The average marriage comes at 1190 days, just over three years. Finally, the average couple has their first child together at 1422 days, after three years and 11 months together.

View the full flowchart from Match.com here and check our our Match.com review.

Each year, the majority of break-ups happen just before the holidays. There are many people hurting right now over lost love, and wondering how to get over their pain.

The truth is, healing takes time and patience. There are no short cuts, as badly as we might want them. But if you allow yourself to go through the process of mourning and letting go, you can move on to healthier relationships. Many people get stuck in the grieving process, wanting to move on quickly by jumping from relationship to relationship or closing themselves off from emotional intimacy with a new person.

Don’t let this happen. There are ways to deal with a break-up that lead to a much healthier, happier you. Here are some steps to take to work through the pain:

Exercise, be active. Interestingly, moving our bodies physically can help us become emotionally unstuck, even if getting up from the couch is the last thing we want to do. When you are feeling sad and lethargic, try doing some yoga poses, going for a walk, or even jumping rope. Movement helps release endorphins, and helps lift depression.

Journal. So you’re not a writer – it doesn’t matter. Get your feelings out on the page. And don’t blog about it; treat yourself to an old-fashioned paper journal that you won’t be sharing with anyone else, so you can really lay out your pain, vulnerability, and relationship issues. There’s something healing about personal journaling when you are working through pain that helps clear things up.

Lean on friends/ family. There’s no shame in asking for help when you need it. Call up a friend to go for a walk with you, or a family member to cry it out. We’ve all been through heartache – and it helps to release with people you trust.

Meditate. Meditation isn’t just for Tibetan monks or hippie chicks in Santa Cruz. It’s become very popular lately for very good reason – it works. Meditation helps calm your mind so that emotions don’t take over – it helps you work through pain, release it, and create a more peaceful existence. If you’re not sure what to do, there are plenty of apps and online tutorials – try Deepak Chopra, Oprah.com, or the apps Headspace or Synchronicity, which provide short guided meditations.

Rediscover yourself. Have you been part of a couple so long you’ve lost track of what you really like? Are you looking for a new routine, a new hobby, or a change of scenery? Now is the time to explore. Clear the slate and start anew – whether that means redecorating your house, picking up a new hobby, visiting a new place, or cutting your hair and getting a fresh look. Trying new things opens up our world, and helps us find those things that make us happy. It’s a step in a new direction, towards a new life.