Marriage

A few years ago, I was at an amusement park with friends when one of them shyly handed me his camera.

“Do you think you could take a few pictures of me today?” Kent asked. “I’m making a profile for an online dating site and I don’t really have any pictures of me. Especially ones that aren’t posed in some way.”

Happy to oblige, I did my best to grab good candid shots of Kent. Everything was quiet for some months, until I ran into him one morning, positively giddy.

“I just had the best first date!” he said excitedly.

“It’s ten in the morning! That must have been some first date!” I said, raising my eyebrows.

“No, no, the date didn’t start last night,” he said, blushing. “It was a breakfast date! She works nights, so this was the fastest way to actually meet in person.”

“Ooh,” I said, intrigued. “So you met her through your dating site?”

“Yep,” he said. “She moved here two years ago and only lives ten minutes away, but thanks to our jobs our chances of running into each other are practically zilch. And since we’re on opposite sleep schedules, it’s been pretty nerve-wracking writing her and then waiting a minimum of eight hours for a response. But still, that’s better than never having met her at all.”

“Well, it’s great that she seems so wonderful, but will you ever get to spend time together with such opposite schedules?”

“She’s going to get moved to a different position at the end of the year,” Kent said. “It won’t be forever. And - this may sound cheesy, but - even if it’s more work finding time to meet, she really seems worth it.”

Last month, Kent and his wonderful first date were married. Her inconvenient schedule was indeed not for forever - but hopefully her romance with Kent will be.

Related Article: Stories in Success, Part I

Most women will agree that they prefer equal partnership when it comes to romantic relationships. This mean they each have equal say and an equal role to play in things like finances, child care, household chores, and major decisions like where to live or whether to start a business.

It makes sense in our culture, as the majority of women are pursuing both careers and families. They want a partner who respects and supports their ambitions.

But what if the reality is different from our post-feminist ideal of equality in relationships?

New research by New York University doctoral candidate in sociology Ellen Lamont is challenging the way many women still seem to accept certain elements of “the man’s role” both in terms of dating and marriage.

Maybe some of this rings true for you: Lamont found that when dating, women seem to prefer the man to ask them out and to pay for the date, a more traditional role. Also, women like to leave it to the man to make decisions about the trajectory of their relationship. That is, they wait for him to say “I love you” or to commit to being serious first. Essentially, this puts the man in control of the relationship.

It seems dating and courtship play a big role in how women view long-term relationships. If during the dating process, women put the man in the driver’s seat (so to speak) and let him decide where things are headed, then how is it possible to easily transition to an equal partnership once they are in a long-term, committed relationship?

“[Women] want traditional courtship and egalitarian marriages and I just don’t think that will be possible,” she said. “Their justifications for traditional courtship are based on beliefs in essential biological differences between men and women and they reinforce these beliefs in their dating practices.”

Lamont chose to study women who had some form of college education to better understand women who are balancing both career aspirations and wanting a love relationship. Even with education and ambition, many of the women still subscribe to “traditional gender norms,” according to Lamont.

“Women were supposedly so desperate to get married, while men were supposedly so reluctant,” Lamont said. “I wondered if women’s so-called desperate behaviors that are so frequently highlighted in the media were actually the result of the powerlessness they feel about the process of getting engaged.”

It’s an interesting point, and maybe one worth considering as we move forward into a bigger and more technologically advanced dating pool.

The women surveyed ranged from 25 to 40 years of age.

Aaron Schildkrout and his friend Brian Schechter founded HowAboutWe four years ago as an alternative to traditional online dating. In a recent article in The New York Observer, he said that the fundamental problem with online dating sites was that they needed to keep subscribers. The sites work best when people are looking for dates, not when they are in relationships and dropping out. Dating sites depend on a huge database of subscribers.

HowAboutWe’s focus is a bit different for an online dating site. For one, they have branched out from their online dating platform to creating a valuable resource for all people interested in dating and relationships.

The primary goal of their dating site is to help people meet offline (and get them there as quickly as possible), so they can move towards forming relationships. Instead of searching through profiles, members can create an idea for a first date, put it out to the network, and see who’s interested. Schildkrout says it’s a way for people to meet more organically.

Because of the site’s focus on date activities, it was a natural progression to create a site for couples who are looking to be inspired. Many couples are bored with the same old dates they do all the time, but don’t have the time to research or a lot of money to do something more unique. This is where HowAboutWe comes in – they curate dates particular to each city they service, and set the whole thing up for a discounted price.

It’s an appealing idea for couples. As Schildkrout says, “We make the booking process and the reservation process extremely easy — you never have to show a voucher, your name’s already on the list. We do all the work for you. We take care of all the details.”

The company is also getting into media content, acquiring sites like The Date Report and Nerve.com and creating two additional new blogs related to dating and relationships. “We built out a world-class editorial team,” says Shildkrout, “and for the last three months, we’ve been working really hard to create a media wing focused on becoming the authoritative voice on all things love, and have grown traffic dramatically in that process.”

Popular apps like Tinder and the bigger or more traditional dating sites like OkCupid don’t seem to bother Shildkrout. He sees Tinder as more of a lightweight hook-up experience and OkCupid as an algorithm-matching experience which might not match you with someone outside your type. He is focused on his product, on connecting people in a real-world way. And he’s looking to build content that gets a conversation started. 

A lot of people love online dating because of its convenience. It's hard to beat being able to scan through potential matches from the comfort of your own home, entirely at your leisure. Traditional dating can be found, but it can also be a huge time suck. Sometimes all you want is an efficient way to weed out the frogs from the princes (and princesses).

Online daters already know that dating websites are a great way to save time, but it turns out they're also a great way to save money. Couples who meet online tend to marry after a shorter period of time than couples who meet in real life, meaning that a courtship that begins via the Internet ends up being thousands of dollars cheaper than meeting and wooing someone offline.

According to market strategists at New York City-based ConvergEx Group, the average dating period prior to marriage for a couple who met in real life is approximately 42 months. Let's do some math: if that couple goes on one date per week, and that date costs around $130 (for food, drinks, entertainment tickets, etc.), then the total cost of that couple's courtship would be around $23,660.

The average time between meeting and marriage for couples who meet online, on the other hand, runs around 18.5 months. The average dating site customer spends $239 a year for online memberships, according to ConvergEx Group, and if we assume that the amount spent on dates is the same, an online dater saves $12,803 in comparison to an offline dater.

And what if the dates go Dutch? In that case, each online dater saves just over $6400. Not too shabby at all!

But, just because it's more acceptable, easier, and less expensive for people to meet online doesn't mean more US citizens are using dating sites to meet marriage partners. According to the Pew Research Center, only 51% of Americans were married in 2011 – a significant drop from the 72% who were married in 1960 – and the numbers are continuing to decline.

ConvergEx suggests that the trend could be in reaction to the high divorce rates seen throughout the 1970s and 80s. “Seeing their parents and/or friends’ parents go through a divorce has made today’s young people more cautious when it comes to finding a mate,” they say.

Many more of today's young people are putting their careers had of relationships, making them less reliant on a spouse for support and possibly also contributing to the decline in marriage. Marriage rates are reportedly also dropping faster among people with less education. "Declining marriage rates among those with lower levels of educational attainment is a warning sign that is worth watching," says ConvergEx, "especially if the trend continues."

Confession: I’m one of those irritating people who, every February, talks about how Valentine’s Day is a crock of you-know-what because it shouldn’t take a special, sickeningly sweet, Hallmark-y holiday to remind you to love your partner. Every year it gets hipper to hate on Valentine’s Day, to the point that the scales almost seem poised to tip back in the other direction. In 2015, will the cooler-than-thou kids have to start celebrating V-Day instead of condemning it? What a strange world that would be…

Though the anti-Valentine’s Day forces are loud, it seems that most of us are secretly celebrating anyway. eHarmony asked 3000 people if they had plans for Valentine's Day 2014 and about 64% of them said that they would be spending the holiday with someone special. Here’s what they had planned (or not):

• 17% of people said they had not planned anything at the time of the survey (which was done only three days before Valentine's Day!).
• 6% said they had put a lot of planning into the event.
• Most people, unsurprisingly, fell somewhere in the middle – they’d put at least a little bit of thought into the holiday, but weren’t going all-out.
• Men were the romantics of the bunch. While women were more likely to say they had done very little to no planning at all, men were more likely to say they had done a fair amount of planning or a lot of planning for their valentine.

Good news for married folks: marriage may get a bad rap for dulling the spark, but the damage – at least where Valentine’s Day is concerned – is seriously overstated. Couples who were dating exclusively were most likely to have plans, at 89%, but at 82% married couples weren't far behind. Couples who were engaged were the least likely to have made any plans, perhaps because they’re too busy planning their weddings.

When the big day finally arrives, here’s what we’re up to:

• 37% of people head to dinner with their honeys.
• 26% prefer a romantic dinner in.
• 18% skip the dinner half entirely and go straight to a movie date.
• 71% of people plan to give their valentine a gift (79% of men, 65% of women).
• Women ranked their gift preferences like this: flowers (17%), jewelry (16%), intimacy (17%), a card (12%), and a spa day (11%).
• Men voted strongly in favor of intimacy as the ideal Valentine's Day gift (40%), but next in line was a card (11%).

And for all the naysayers, eHarmony also found that the biggest reasons people say they celebrate Valentine's Day are romance, connection, and genuine enjoyment of the holiday.

eHarmony's very first marriage was John and Vicki Vystrcil, from Frisco, TX. The pioneering couple was married in 2001 and they've been going strong ever since. With more than a decade of experience and a track record like that, it's safe to say that eHarmony knows a thing or two about holy matrimony.

If tying the knot is on your resolutions list this year, sandwiched between spending less time staring at your phone and more time on the StairMaster at the gym, eHarmony has released a few key insights gathered during its decade+ history. eHarmony asked its married couples to detail their experience with the service in a recent study and compiled their responses into a report. The report, called eHarmony Married Couples by the Numbers Facts, asked important questions about the online dating experience:

How long does it take to meet your spouse on eHarmony?

• 71% of women meet their spouse within a year
• 69% of men meet their spouse within a year

How long does it take from when you are matched when you marry?

• The median time from when people are matched to when they marry is 1.8 years

How far apart do you live?

• The median distance at the time couples were matched was 20.2 miles

Who initiates communication first?

• 53% of the time, men initiated the first communication
• However, women become more likely to initiate communication as they get older
• Women in their 70s initiated the first communication 55.8% of the time

What's the age difference?

• On average, husbands are 2.39 years older than their wives

What's the education level?

• More than 70% of women and men are college educated or higher

This year, eHarmony has something special in mind to celebrate its successful matches. The dating service plans to bring seven of the more than 600,000 married couples who found love on the site to be part of its float entitled Everlasting Love in the 2014 Tournament of Roses Parade. The couples chosen to showcase their love and inspire others who are still searching for it will ride alongside the Grammy award-winning star Natalie Cole, as she sings her hit (and eHarmony commercial theme song) "This Will Be" down the parade route.

The Vystrcils will be joined on the float by other notable eHarmony couples, including a couple who married when they were 75 years old, a couple who appeared on an eHarmony commercial in 2012, and a couple who formed a real-life Brady Bunch.