Advice

It seems that when the subject of online dating comes up, most people tend to fall into two camps. Chances are you’ve met one of each kind - you might even fit into one of these groups yourself. The thing is, you don’t have to belong solely to either party - in fact, you probably want to strive for a mix of the two.

We’ll call one group the Dreamer Dans; they’re all about throwing caution to the wind, finding True Love. These are the ones who might advocate moving across the country to live with someone you’ve never met. On the plus side, they’re ready to root for love, so they’ll be supportive if they’re a friend or family member. On the other hand, they encourage rash behavior - and they might also be the type to focus on a fairy-tale “story” rather than finding an appropriate match.

The opposing group can be dubbed the Safety Sallies; they’re pretty sure there’s a homicidal maniac lurking around every corner of the internet (but, strangely enough, seem to think the local bar or club is perfectly safe). They might fill your head with horror stories or send you a link to every story they can find about someone who was scammed online. On the bright side, they’ve got your back if you’re feeling nervous yourself and want a friend “planted” on-site at your first date... and if they approve of the match they’ll probably be incredibly supportive.

There’s nothing wrong with recognizing something of yourself in the Dans or the Sallies - indeed, you want a little bit of both when it comes to approaching online dating. Safety is important, and you want to take precautions when it comes to giving out your personal information, as well as trust your gut instincts. On the other hand, you can’t fall in love if you’re living in fear, so you have to be willing to take a leap of faith at some point. Hopefully, in person you won’t have much cause to overthink it; think about how quickly we make judgments and gut decisions about people every day. You probably didn’t have to make a pros and cons list about starting a friendship with your best friends, for example.

The important thing to remember is that reason and emotion are not mutually exclusive. We employ a bit of both every day of our lives - so why not strike that same balance when it comes to love? Perhaps we should even get the Dans and the Sallies together - it seems a good mix brings the best out of both.

The road has been long, but the journey is finally coming to an end. Day Fourteen wraps up YourTango's online dating bootcamp with a few parting words from Heidi Lee Munson.

Finding The One means kissing a lot of frogs first, and you may find yourself feeling discouraged as you wade through the amphibians search of Prince - or Princess - Charming. But don't get down - every frog you pucker up with puts you one step closer to puckering up with the perfect person. Munson offers the following advice for daters dealing with dating despair:

1. Everybody needs a friend. A date may not work out romantically, but that doesn't mean they can't work out in other ways. It never hurts to have another friend, right? Especially one who's in the same dating boat as you, and can offer advice and support when needed. If the sparks don't fly, consider turning your date into a new friend.
2. There's more to life than your computer. I know that's hard to hear in an age when it seems like just about everything can be done from your laptop, but trust me...there's life outside of the Interweb. Love can show up in some very unexpected places if you're open to finding it, so don't get so lost in online dating that you're blind to the potential partners you meet in real life.
3. Avoid over-saturation. You know that feeling when you just can't bear the thought of another first date? Listen to that feeling. When dating isn't fun anymore, it's time to go on a hiatus. Focus on yourself instead of on finding someone else. Rest up and relax, and when you find yourself missing the excitement of meeting new people, then you're ready to start dating again.
4. Take a breather. Sometimes you and your dating site need to go on a break. Challenge yourself to sign out and stay out for 10 days. Don't check your messages. Don't update your profile. Recharge your batteries and return to online dating when you have new energy and a fresh perspective.
5. Try a different site. If you've spent a significant amount of time on a site and haven't had any luck, it may be time to move on. You know what they say about the grass, but in this case the grass really may be greener elsewhere. A fresh pool of singles to choose from may be exactly what you need to feel excited about online dating again.

Congratulations on your bootcamp graduation!

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Thirteen

It’s natural for us to want to give our online dating profiles as broad appeal as possible. We don’t really know who we’ll click with - is it someone with whom we share most interests? A complete opposite, perhaps? - so why limit the possibilities? However, there is one potential problem with this approach: in attempting to appeal to as many people as possible, we might come across as bland. And when you’re bland, it’s harder to appeal to anyone.

That doesn’t mean you should post pictures of yourself in feather boas and crazy hats to compensate (unless that’s actually representative of your sense of humor). However, if you’re nervous, you can certainly use your photo section to help “personalize” your profile and share some of your better moments. That picture of you kissing a dolphin? Go ahead and post it, even if it’s not from your “good side.” What about the picture of you wearing a funny apron at a cookout, or in the middle of a shaving-cream fight last summer?

These “character” photos fill in the gaps about your personality, and also show that you’re a real person and not a carefully composed photo from just the right angle. As an added bonus, pictures tend to stay in our minds, so even if your reader might not remember every detail about you, they’ll remember the pictures, especially if they were interesting or entertaining.

However, that doesn’t mean you should use interesting pictures and keep a boring profile. Photos may pick up some of the slack from a bland self-summary, but pair them with text that’s interesting and fun and you have a one-two contact combo. So what’s the easiest way to spice up your profile?

In a word, passion. No, not the romantic kind. Passion for the things in life you care about, whether it’s friends, family, your profession, volunteering, knitting... the list goes on and on. The subject might not even matter (though it’s great if you find someone who shares your passion); it’s the fact that you care deeply about something that’s attractive. Don’t be afraid to use enthusiastic, positive words like “fantastic,” “great,” and even “love.”

Not only does speaking enthusiastically about your passions show that you care about something, it demonstrates that you have an independent life. In essence, it’s the anti-cling. When someone knows that you won’t be looking to them to entertain you - that, in fact, you bring the entertainment yourself - they’re all the more likely to want to be around you. Not to mention the fact that many find passion of any kind attractive and stimulating.

So as you write your online profile, don’t be content with boilerplate written oatmeal. Add a little spice to your profile, whether it be in the self-summary, the photo section, or better yet, both! Soon others will see you as more than just another pretty face.

Sometimes it's difficult to strike the right balance when describing yourself in an online profile. The language you use might sound either timid or arrogant, and the pictures might be out of date or ineffective. When you're having a hard time or need to freshen it up, sometimes it's best to call a trusted friend to help you. After all, they know you better than anyone - your best qualities along with your faults.

Following are some ways your friends can help:

Improving your photos. If you're using a picture from last summer's trip to Mexico when your skin was tan and you were twenty pounds lighter, you might end up with some irritated dates. People like to know that their dates resemble the pictures they post online, or else they feel they're misrepresenting themselves. Your friend can help by choosing good, accurate photos of you or by grabbing a camera and taking some new ones.

Adjusting your tone. Maybe you come across as a bit cynical or negative - you have a long list of requirements for what you don't want. Your friend can help turn things around by focusing on what you do want. If it's too vague, friends can help add specific details that you can't remember or are afraid to write down. Sometimes, you just need that extra boost of confidence when you write about yourself - and friends are the best supporters.

Your online handle is bad. I know that people like to create handles that get attention. After all, this is online dating, not job hunting, and you only have a few seconds to capture someone's interest. But "SexyTime" and "PorscheDriver" aren't cutting it. These handles aren't original or engaging, and will turn a lot of people off. Your friends can help you brainstorm something more interesting and flirtatious, or at least tell you to lose the old one.

You're misrepresenting yourself. Sure, you may describe yourself as "athletic" because you've signed up for an amateur league baseball team with your co-workers, but be honest: do you actually work out enough to have an athletic body? Also, your friends will keep you from shaving a few years off your age or inches off your height. It's better to be truthful when physically describing yourself - and friends can help keep you honest.

Your friends are a great support system for getting your online profile in shape - just make sure you trust their opinions and they aren't leading you astray. Negative and cynical friends aren't going to really benefit you with their advice and opinions. Ask someone who is cheering you on, and keeping you honest. And if they're single, it's even better - you can help each other.

"Online dating coach" sounds like a lofty, vaunted profession, but every online dating coach has to start somewhere. In Erika case, that somewhere was as an online dater herself. She shared the story of her journey from dater to dating expert with YourTango in Day Thirteen of the online dating bootcamp.

Erika's journey began with JDate. She'd dabbled in online dating before, but never took the experiment seriously. This time around, though, things were different. She perfected her profile, chose photos wisely, and revamped e-mails until her "hit rate" - the percentage of men who responded to her initial email - was over 60%.

After more than 120 dates, on December 4, 2009, Erika met Jeremy, the man who would be her last JDate. Her success story inspired her to found a coaching company that guides daters who need a bit of extra help finding love online. Now she shares the expertise she learned on her personal journey with singles looking for an online dating success story of their own.

Here are a few of the most lessons she reveals to her clients:

• Keep your pre-date "research" to a minimum. It's pretty much impossible to resist the temptation to search a date on Google or Facebook - and it could even save you from dating a criminal - but don't go overboard. Don't form a firm impression of someone until you meet them in person.
• "Research" does NOT including friending them on Facebook. Friending a date before the actual date is never a good idea. And come to think of it, neither is friending them right after the first date. There's plenty of time for adding each other on social networks after the relationship is more established.
• Take a "Less is more" approach to photos on your profile. Match.com may allow you to upload 26 photos, but that doesn't mean you need to do it! Stick to a few that show you in your most flattering light, and save the rest for your Facebook profile.
• Have one picture that's "email bait." An email bait photo shows you doing something interesting, something that will catch a prospective date's attention and prompt them to ask you questions. Writing that first message is hard, so a little help breaking the ice goes a long way.
• Don't leave success up to fate. With all those personality tests and matching algorithms, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the dating site will do the work for you. It won't. Sure, part of love is luck, but a lot of it isn't. Most things in life that require work are worth the outcome, so take an active role in your search for love.

For more information about this Jewish dating service you can read our JDate review.

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Twelve

Related Story: YourTango Online Dating Bootcamp: Day Fourteen

No matter how well-suited you are to your match, we all run into problems. Everyone has arguments. Still, at the beginning of a blossoming relationship, such an argument can feel especially surprising and hurtful. Things were going so well! I really thought I had feelings for this person! If we’re arguing over this, well... are really compatible?

Chances are, yes, you are; again, even the most compatible people have arguments. But communication is a skill, one that needs to be honed over time and brushed up on occasion. When people say a relationship is work, what they often mean is that communication is work. But with enough practice, even that becomes easier.

To get off on the right, communicative foot, it’s important to remember one thing: you and your partner are separate entities. You’re not the same person.

Even if you share almost all the same interests, you might not have the same reasons for enjoying them. You’ve led separate lives up ‘til this point; you are distinct beings with your own background and motivations.

The reason it’s important to remember this is because during that heady time at the beginning of a relationship, it’s not uncommon to want to be together all the time, to want to think of yourself as one entity. That’s normal too - you’re constructing a foundation, the two of you against the world. But when it comes to the long-term, everyday stuff, thinking of yourself as one being can be harmful to good communication. Maybe you make assumptions based on how you think or react. Maybe they just don’t understand why you’re upset about something, because they aren’t. In these moments, remembering you’re two, not one, can help the both of you gain perspective and cool down.

A friend, Sara, tells me this story about her husband: “He doesn’t like surprises. The first few years we were dating, I tried to get him presents or arrange surprises with our friends, because, to me, to plan something like that shows that you care. But it just got him stressed out. Years later, I still have to remind myself that he really is happier without surprised. I still don’t actually understand it, but I know that’s who he is.”

That, indeed, is the key. You might not be able to internalize and fully understand every little thing your partner does - and that’s okay. All that matters is that you respect one another to keep the lines of communication open, and accept your differences as valid. Keep that in mind, and you’re one step closer to a long-term relationship that’s less “work” and more “fun.”