Advice

It's a question everyone has asked at least once: Am I in love, or just in lust?

A recent international study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine hopes to answer that question by mapping out love and desire in the brain. "No one has ever put these two together to see the patterns of activation," says Jim Pfaus, co-author of the study. "We didn't know what to expect - the two could have ended up being completely separate. It turns out that love and desire activate specific but related areas in the brain."

Pfaus, along with colleagues in the United States and Switzerland, analyzed 20 different studies that examined the effects of sex and love on the body. The research recorded brain activity while subjects were engaged in tasks like viewing erotic photos, looking at pictures of their significant others, and viewing images of food and other pleasure triggers. By merging the data from all these studies, Pfaus and his team were able to create a complete map of love and desire in the brain.

They found that two structures of the brain - the insula and the striatum - are primarily responsible for the evolution of sexual desire into love. Love and sexual desire activate different areas of the striatum, which is located inside the forebrain. Lust triggers the parts of the brain that control pleasurable feelings, like those associated with sex and food, while love triggers the parts of the brain associated with habits.

Interestingly, the areas of the striatum that process love and desire are near to the area that is associated with drug addiction. "We assign different language to love and sexual desire and addiction," explains Pfaus. "But really, they're all being processed in a similar place. When we see this," he continues, "the idea of love at first sight probably isn't true. People are feeling desire."

In reality, love is actually a habit formed from sexual desire, as the desire is rewarded. "It works the same way in the brain as when people become addicted to drugs," Pfaus adds. The change that transforms desire into love is the bonding mechanism in relationships, the mechanism that is involved in monogamy and in connection in a variety of other relationships.

"This research speaks to evolution," says Pfaus. "And it could help understand addiction, love and other social neuroscience research."

Finding someone who’s right for you can occasionally feel like house hunting. Don’t believe me? Consider:

You start out with a dream house in mind. Maybe it’s a dream you’ve had for years, shaped since childhood by your own experiences and what you longed for from other people’s homes. You feel like you’ve modified your expectations to reality - you know you’re not going to really get a castle in the clouds - but you’re still fairly sure you’ve got a good idea of what you want.

Then you start checking out what’s on the market, and grim reality sets in. You feel like the only ones you’d be interested in are way out of your price range. Maybe you got spooked by a house that looked like it was in great shape, but upon inspection was really rotting from the inside; now you view any attractive house with suspicion. It seems like no matter what you do, you’re going to be faced with compromises you don’t want to make.

Here’s where we back out of the allegory for a minute and I mention how dating is not like house hunting: when it comes to people, there is no such thing as a fixer-upper. Say it with me: with people, all commitments are as-is. If you go in thinking you can change the structural integrity of someone’s personality, you’ll probably only cause damage and cause yourself a world of frustration. Put that notion right out of your head.

Back to the house-buying world: things are looking bleak, and you’re reconsidering renting. Then you come across something entirely different. Sure, it’s not exactly what you had in mind - maybe it’s younger, or older, or in a different style. It’s not your dream house, and it’s not perfect. But something about it feels... right. Homey. And upon inspection, the house has good bones, a strong support system. It’s amazing that it hasn’t been snapped up already, really - is it just that others can’t see what you see? It might not be perfect, but it sure seems like the right fit for you.

See? Not so different after all. And as you peruse profiles and go on dates, bear these lessons in mind: that the right person for you might not be the dream you’ve held since you were a child, and they might not live in that castle in the clouds. Sometimes the ones you think seem like a good bet turn out to be absolutely frightening on the inside. But sometimes you find someone - who, though they may not be perfect, may have compromises involved - just feels like home. And because you’ve looked at so many disappointments, you now know what to look for, and you’re confident you’ve found the right one for you.

It’s probably not much of a stretch to say that the majority of people with online dating profiles are hoping to find their “true love” - or, at the least, a committed, long-term relationship. However, not everyone is looking for something long-term, and some people aren’t looking for anything exclusive. What special considerations should they bear in mind?

First, be clear and upfront about your intentions. Assume that the default position on a non-niche site is that the readers are single, looking for someone with whom they share the potential for a long-term, committed, exclusive relationship. If you’re looking for something different, you need to say so. You might find that it gets you less responses in the short term, but it will be just as frustrating later (if not more so) when someone breaks things off after they realize you want different things.

It doesn’t have to sound harsh or crude; there are all stages of life, and you happen to be in one where true love isn’t your top priority. Think about what your priorities are - fun, maybe, or friendship, or maybe keeping things low-stress - and play up the positive aspects of that. You probably want to avoid overt statements about physical relationships; again, that’s sort of the default when people are looking to date, so there’s no need to go into gory detail... unless “hooking up” is your sole priority, and then it’s better to be honest.

Next, remember that you don’t need to apologize for wanting an unconventional relationship; one of the benefits of online dating sites is that they help you find a match, even when you have unconventional interests. Being upfront and confident about what you’re looking for is the best way to find a date that’s right for you. Remember, you’re looking for someone whose priorities are on par with yours. No need to apologize to someone who doesn’t fit those, any more than you would apologize for not being the same political affiliation, or for being a vegetarian. These are your life choices.

With these tips, and the usual editing requirements, you should be well on your way to finding people with similar goals and desires, even if they’re unconventional. They’re out there - you just might need to take a little time with some custom searches to find them. And of course, make sure your profile doesn’t get lost in the shuffle, so they can find you!

Attempting to sum up your entire, multi-layered personality in one online dating profile can be daunting. And not surprisingly, the main “theme” many choose to focus on is the balance in their life: they’re not too serious, but they know when to buckle down. Or perhaps she knows how to have fun watching a football game, but that doesn’t mean she’s not feminine. We all have two sides to ourselves, but the challenge becomes figuring out how to say it without just appearing completely confused.

First, remember that the self-summary is the meat and potatoes of your profile. Yes, most profiles have lots of helpful charts and quizzes and whatnot, but we all know that the self-summary is where we go first, and it’s what we remember. Don’t spend your two paragraphs going on about your birdwatching hobby and then wonder why that’s all anyone thinks you’re interested in, when you clearly selected the bullet point that said “rocket scientist” next to “employment” at the bottom of the page! Figure out what your central message is, and try to fit into two or three paragraphs.

While the self-summary is what tells the main story, everything else in the profile can help color in the details. Maybe you mention you’re a film buff, and elsewhere you get an opportunity to actually list some of your favorites (just remember to avoid laundry lists that fill a page - keep it between five and ten). Perhaps you mention that you’re a chemist, and you include a few pictures complete with “mad scientist” coat and bubbling beakers. Even your user name can help paint a picture of who you are.

Just remember that you’re striving for balance, and that includes in all your peripherals as well. If one of your main points is that you enjoy reading books and being a homebody, but your user name is “Partydude,” your pictures are all of wild nights at the club and you don’t actually list any favorite books, you’re just not going to get that “side” of you across even if you shout about it from the rooftops.

Remember to relax - your profile is meant to be just a taste of who you are, not a document laying out your various moods and whims. However, if you view the various aspects of your profile as a way to tell a cohesive story (instead of a series of disconnected sections), you’ll be well on your way toward creating the first impression you want.

When it comes to online dating, one of the biggest hurdles many have is learning to write a profile that’s confident. True, no one wants to appear like they’re bragging, but if you’re self-deprecating in your profile, no one will speak up to tell your readers just how awesome you really are. And the same is true of your first dates, right? Well... maybe not.

Here’s the thing: your online dating profile is your sales pitch. It basically tells everyone why you’re just so fantastic. On your first date, however, the primary goal is feeling out your compatibility - whether there’s a spark between the two of you, whether your personalities mesh well, whether you drive each other crazy. In short, it’s not all about you.

The problem comes when our nerves turn on. When asked tell her date about herself, Alice started rambling on, and then realized her words sounded vaguely familiar. She was reciting her online profile, almost word for word! By the suspicious look on her date’s face, she knew she wasn’t the only one who noticed the similarity. She wasn’t a scammer who had a limited script - she’d just spent so much time “pitching” herself in her own mind that it became her default mode.

Ask yourself: would you like to eat dinner with someone who was trying to sell you a car the entire time? Not likely. No one likes to hear a sales pitch when they’re just trying to get to know you. To avoid Alice’s plight, the number one thing to remember is that your date will have read your profile, perhaps several times - so unless they specifically ask, you don’t need to refresh their memory. Now, giving details, like responding to “Your trip to Venice looked amazing. Did you ride in a gondola?” is something entirely different, and encouraged.

The next best thing to remember is to relax! You’ve done the hard “sales work” already. You’re not trying to win a competition or do well on a job interview - you’re just seeing if you’re a good fit with another person. Ask questions, and actually listen to the answers. You’re not on stage, so don’t feel like you have to perform.

With these factors in mind, your dates will hopefully be more natural and less anxious. Again, remember that your profile has already done the hard work and gotten you to the first date. Now it’s time to relax and focus on the chemistry between you and your potential match!

New relationships can be tricky. Especially if you have a close friend who is suddenly unavailable because of her new boyfriend. You're happy for her, but you also want to be part of her life and suddenly you feel abandoned. You can't go out alone together anymore - everywhere she goes, he comes along with her. You can't easily call her at the last minute to get together for a drink and tell her about your day, and you miss her.

So what do you do - do you tell her how you feel, or do you keep silent and wait for this heady in love phase to pass?

While I'd like to give a straightforward answer to this question, it's a tricky thing to navigate. Friendships, like romantic relationships, can change over time. It's a natural thing: friends have less time for each other as they grow older, either because of work, or because they get married, have children, or have other life obligations that take them elsewhere.

Despite this normal life trajectory, you shouldn't have to say goodbye every time your friend finds a new love. If this seems to be a pattern, and she comes running to you whenever she breaks up with someone, then where's the happy medium?

My best advice is to put yourself in your friend's shoes. If you were to find someone special and fall in love, would you want her to be happy for you? Would you prefer to spend your free time with him? If you answered yes to these questions, then you can better understand your friend's point of view. That said, your feelings matter, too.

While I don't advocate putting a guilt trip on your friend or making her feel bad for her choices, you can approach the subject by talking about how the situation makes you feel. For example: "I really miss spending time with you," or "I would love to hang out together again, just the two of us." This way, you are letting her know how you feel without criticizing her choices.

Another thing to remember: romantic, heady love doesn't last. Soon either your friend will break up with him or they will create a life together, which means the romantic days of wanting to spend all their time together won't continue indefinitely. Either way, your friend will want you to be part of her life again, and hopefully you'll still want to be part of hers, too.

Instead of focusing on what you're missing, try socializing more with other friends and going on dates. You'll find when you keep your life moving forward it helps you to be a better friend, as well as a better romantic partner when you do find the right person.