Advice

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but when the downs start to outweigh the ups, it's time to reevaluate whether or not you're meant to be together. Just like your car needs the occasional oil change and new tires, your relationship needs maintenance in order to continue running smoothly. Without regular tune-ups, you'll be headed straight for a breakdown (or a breakup).

Unfortunately, unlike your car, your relationship doesn't have a little red light that goes on when it's time for one of those tune-ups. So how do you know your relationship is ready for some TLC? Look out for these signs that the road is about to get bumpy:

You share living space, but little else. You live in the same house, but you barely interact. When you lived with a roommate that was great (who doesn't love privacy and personal space?), but when you live with a romantic partner, it's a sign that trouble's up ahead. The physical distance may be an indication of emotional distance that needs to be addressed, and statistics have made it clear that partners who don't have their needs for affection, attention, and appreciation met will get them met outside of the relationship.

You've forgotten to take "Me Time." Connecting with your partner is important, but so is taking time out to connect with yourself. When you feel that you're sacrificing everything for someone else, and getting nothing in return, it's time to take a second look at your relationship. Are your needs being met, or just your partner's?

The love is long gone. Relationships change over time, and that's nothing to be afraid of. Sometimes they strengthen, sometimes they weaken - either way, it's the natural course of life. You may come to the realization that you love a partner but are no longer in love with them, in which case it is probably time for both of you to move on to a more fulfilling relationship.

Your routine has left you longing for something new. Stability is something we all look for in a relationship, but stability doesn't have to mean stagnation or boredom. Falling into a romantic routine can mean becoming complacent and taking a partner for granted. Switch things up - a new restaurant, a new activity for date night, a weekend getaway - to bring excitement and energy back to the relationship.

Communication is a thing of the past. Nothing sustains a relationship like intimacy and communication, so when they fade, you're guaranteed to be facing a few potholes in the road. Work to re-open channels of communication, be vulnerable and open, and stay present with your partner.

The scenario: you're meeting an online date for the first time, and since you greeted each other in the coffee shop, you're trying to decipher his behavior and whether or not he's interested. So, you're playing it cool until he gives you a sign - you sit back in your chair, make polite conversation, and you ask questions, hoping he'll make a move. You think he's attractive, but you're not sure if he's all that interested. Sometimes he seems flirtatious, but other times standoffish. Is there a way to gauge his interest now, rather than waiting for the end of the date to see whether or not he asks to meet you again?

According to some studies on the subject, there's a lot you can tell about a man's interest right away, and it's all based on his body language when he's speaking to you.

Remember that old saying, "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?" Turns out, this isn't just a saying, but rooted in truth. If a man finds you attractive, he will mimic your behavior. That means if you lean forward, he'll lean forward. If you hold his gaze, he'll hold it right back. Some studies even suggest that couples who have similar speech patterns find each other more attractive.

So what should you do on the date? Instead of sitting back in your chair and asking polite questions, if you're attracted or interested in a man, even just a little, it's a good idea to engage with him more through body language. So stop crossing your arms in front of you or averting your eyes to look at what's going on around you. Focus your attention on your date. Lean forward in your chair. Relax your arms. Laugh and smile, and then you can get an idea of his interest from whether or not he reciprocates.

Men respond more to cues and body language than to anything you might say. Remember, they are visual beings.

And men - remember that women also pay attention to your behavior, body language, and how you carry yourself. Studies indicate that women tend to imitate men if they perceive them to be in a position of high status. So yes, there's something to the stereotypes of women being attracted to confident and powerful men.

Body language aside, I think it's important to understand and engage with each other before making snap judgments about what your date is thinking or feeling. Instead, be open - ask questions and get to know someone instead of writing them off or becoming defensive. Remember, it's just one date - you don't have to see him or her again if you don't want to. But everyone deserves a chance.

We’ve probably all had some version of this happen to us at some point: a well-meaning friend decides to “help” by pointing out someone they think would be a good match. Perhaps they’re in an established, long-term relationship, so clearly they’ve managed to “get it right” before, and feel they know how to “spot the good ones.” The question is, do they really? And how much weight should you give the “expertise” of others when it comes to finding someone for yourself?

Well, much like any advice, it varies depending on the source and motivation. This doesn’t mean your friend or family member has anything less than the best intentions; they probably genuinely think they’re helping. But more often than not, when I’ve seen a specific person targeted (“That person looks nice. Why don’t you go over and start a conversation?”), the person is typically more my friend’s taste than mine! We all have “types” we’re instantly drawn to, and they aren’t always the same from person to person.

On the other hand, an outside opinion can help you get outside your own box, especially if you feel you’ve been “dating the same person” for awhile and don’t know how to break the cycle. Someone else might see a quality shining through that you don’t. Remember, it’s the first date that’s really the make-or-break moment when it comes to chemistry and compatibility, and until then it’s more or less an educated guess. There’s no harm in just talking to someone or sending an email.

Perhaps the way to get the “best of both worlds” is to share several profiles you’ve been considering. You’ve already narrowed the field down to only people in which you’re interested, but you get the advantage of a second pair of eyes when it comes to red flags or first-contact email topics.

It can be easy to get down on yourself when you’re single, and easy to think that everyone else knows some secret to love. They really don’t; if anything, they’ve just managed to find a good match for themselves (the person, incidentally, they know best). Ask yourself: would you like to have the literal relationship with the literal significant other of someone else? Likely not, and maybe you’re even weirded out by the idea - which just goes to show that every relationship is a unique combination of two distinct personalities.

The “trick” is to find the personality that best fits with yours - and while a friend or family member might point you in an unexpected (and helpful!) direction, ultimately it will be up to you to determine if the chemistry is there.

You’ve sat down and written a profile you’re satisfied with, and even though we all tend to cringe at photos of ourselves, you’re okay with the ones you’ve chosen. Only one step is needed to complete your profile: a headline guaranteed to grab the attention of the reader.

Most people are pretty exhausted by that point; they either slap on something that’s straight out of a classified ad, like “single and ready to mingle!” or ignore it altogether. Some might try to think of a witty quote, but it winds up being too long, too obscure or too sappy. Here are a few alternative approaches to take:

Those who were searching for a quote were on the right track, but it’s a challenge best reserved for those who aren’t afraid to gamble a little. For example, you run the risk that the quote you choose is too obscure, or too easily misunderstood. On the other hand, the one or two people who get it might also “get” you... but be prepared to wait awhile. Whatever quote you choose, make sure it’s short, punchy, and appears at least semi-relevant to the uninitiated. And try to actually place it in quotation marks - someone unfamiliar with your quote might take it as your thought, which opens up even more misunderstandings.

Along the same vein, the headline is a good venue to try something outside the box. For example, attempts at long jokes are best left out in profiles - humor doesn’t always translate well in writing - but a short, cute headline is less risky. Just remember to go “safe” with your humor, like a stand-up comedian on a 90’s sitcom. Puns are relatively safe, or stereotype-flipping, like “Cute, sweet and ready to be romanced” from a male. Sarcasm, as always, has a risk of going very wrong; someone might think “Likely not a serial killer” is funny, but again, you might be waiting awhile.

Asking a simple question is something decidedly different, but equally attention-grabbing. Something like, “Ninjas or pirates?” is silly fun; something like “Giants or Patriots?” also probably brings out strong opinions, making it even more of a conversation-starter. You could even try something like, “Where’s the best place to grab pizza in the city?” Just make sure, if it’s an opinion question, that you have an opinion too!

You don’t have to be provocative to be an attention-grabber; you just have to be a little less generic. Try doing a search of the “competition”; figure out what the norm is, and ask yourself how you can be different. And keep in mind, you’re representing yourself; there’s no point in spending two days coming up with a joke you’d never make in person. But spending just a little bit of time on the headline can make good use of an oft-neglected part of profile real estate!

When it comes to online dating, it is entirely possible to put too much emphasis on the “online” aspect. Now, you might be scratching your head, wondering, “What do you mean? Isn’t finding someone through the internet the entire point?”

Not exactly. You do not use the internet to find someone, in the sense that you’re finding love; you use it to meet someone. Or perhaps you could say you use it find someone to meet. Hmm, let’s try to clarify that.

Yes, the internet is incredibly useful when you want to find someone who seems interesting and might have quite a bit in common with you. You can take your time, and no one’s feelings are hurt if you make an instant judgment. It doesn’t matter if you feel like searching at two in the morning or two in the afternoon; the same pool of available people exists. You can eliminate anyone who has glaring issues or the red flags of creepiness. And you can find the handful of other people in your city who have the same hobby or favorite TV show.

But that’s not all that’s required, and you’ve probably already experienced this first-hand. Think about social networks. Have you ever added someone you knew only vaguely from high school or college and discovered that you had much more in common than you realized? Maybe you even thought, “Man, we should have been best friends this entire time!” and met up for a drink. And maybe you really were destined to be friends this entire time, and only the machinations of high school politics kept you apart.

...Or maybe, when you met in person, you remembered why you never clicked in the first place: something about this person just rubs you the wrong way. Yes, you have almost everything in the world in common, but the chemistry just isn’t there.

Similarly, I’m sure you’ve met someone and bonded over the tiniest thing. Making friends isn’t that dissimilar from starting a relationship, except that the physical attraction factor makes chemistry a little more complicated.

So as you peruse profiles, remember that you’re not trying to fall in love with one of them. Rather, it’s similar to seeing someone across a room, or within the context of work or school - you’ve got a reasonably good idea that this is someone you’d like to meet. One more benefit of online dating is that you have time to think through your introductory email and profile, so you’ve got a good shot at the best possible first impression. But remember, the goal is just to meet. Once you’re in person, chemistry and conversation will determine whether you’ve been found.

Everyone wants their online profile to really, truly represent themselves. In just the space of a few paragraphs, your aim is to present yourself as a layered, nuanced individual with a good heart and a wicked sense of humor. You want to set yourself apart from everyone else, but you don’t want to write a novel to do so.

So you know what will most effectively get in the way of all that? Bad proofreading.

Yes, it’s important to know who you are, and what you want, before you even sit down to write. But where that really saves time is in the dating aspect; you’re not wasting your time (and everyone else’s) going on dates with people who aren’t good for you or are what you ultimately want. When it comes to writing the actual profile, though, it’s honestly most important to communicate your ideas simply and cleanly. Misspelled words, long-winded anecdotes, laundry lists of your likes and dislikes - these only muddy the waters, more often than not.

Now, how do you go about writing a profile that’s not bloated and cloudy, but not too bare-bones and generic? Well, a good place to start is to think all the way back to elementary school. Remember when you were first learning to write an essay, and you had to map your writing? Doing a little mapping to clarify your thoughts can never hurt, especially when you’re getting started.

Think of a few key points you want to make about yourself, the ones you feel are most important. Maybe it’s your love of adventure. Maybe it’s your keen intellect. Maybe it’s your generous heart. Don’t worry about getting to every single aspect of your personality; you’re essentially just making a first impression here, and you can always fill in the layers and details later. So pick the few qualities that are most important to you.

Next, support your claims. You love adventure? Come up with a few details about your exploits. You’re intelligent? Let’s hear a nerdy pun. You’re kind-hearted? Now’s the time you mention your rescue kitten and your volunteering. Don’t worry too much about bragging; if you don’t talk up yourself, who will? Your humble nature will come across in emails and in person.

Before you know it, you’ll have a few paragraphs that paint a picture and are supported by relevant details - just the right balance you’re seeking. Now, don’t forget to proofread! Spell-check, read critically, even use friends or family as editors (though remember you always have the final word). It might feel like school, but proofreading is really one of the simplest things you can do to a profile - and it’s probably the most effective! Who knew setting yourself apart was as simple as using a spellchecker?