Advice

We talk a lot about why some people click and some don’t. Much of it is due to chemistry, that mysterious, primal connection. Some of it is due to common interests; that’s probably the most easily definable aspect, so we spend a lot of time on it. But there’s another factor at play, and perhaps sometimes we should pay more attention to it: the stage of life - and the related wants and needs - of the individual.

Whether due to age or life experiences, we need different types of relationships at various points in our lives. Someone in college might be looking to “fall in love.” Someone more settled down might be looking for a long-term commitment, or someone with whom to create a family. Someone who’s just come out of a painful experience, like death or divorce, might want to take things slow. Some people are just looking for physical closeness; others really just want a friend, a companion. The combinations are practically endless, but distinct.

And if you and your potential match want things on opposite ends of the spectrum, it ultimately might not matter how much chemistry you share or how many interests you have in common.

So what to do? After all, you don’t want to be one of those people who load up their profiles with ultimatums: “If you’re not looking for marriage within one year don’t waste my time!” Well, much like anything you feel strongly about, you shouldn’t lie about it or lie by omission. The key is to be gentle and positive. Instead of flat-out demanding instantaneous commitment, try saying that you’re at a point in your own life where you’re getting ready to settle down. You’re talking about your own priorities, not making demands of someone else, but it still gets the message across. And if they’re turned off or scared away by something that mild, they’re probably not on the same page anyway.

Similarly, be honest if you’re not looking for a long-term, committed relationship. Owning your own choices are the way to go here - don’t try to bash the choices of others (so edit out the shackle imagery). You don’t have to defend yourself, or attack anyone else; simply stating what you’re looking for, firmly and confidently, should serve to avoid stepping on toes and also ward off those who want to argue or try to change your mind (yes, they’re out there). And if someone ignores your wishes and gets upset later when you don’t want a commitment, well, they can’t say they weren’t fully informed.

Not everyone knows exactly what they’re looking for, and that’s okay too. Just be honest with yourself, and when these sorts of discussions come up in email or on dates, think about your feelings and gut reactions. Chances are, you’ll know if your vision of the future is meshing with that of your potential match - or not.

Whatever phase of life you’re in, there’s nothing wrong with looking for someone to share it with. If you encounter someone who wants something else right now, don’t hold it against them; just know that, like their interests and chemistry, it’s just another factor to weigh in determining your compatibility.

Over the last weekend, an acquaintance of mine has been pursuing a new relationship. He didn’t seem to have many problems finding casual dates, and there have certainly been more than a few one-night stands. But this woman is different. She doesn’t share all his interests - in fact, she loves a TV show that he actively trashes - but the connection they have seems to be far outweighing any differences. After their date, they spent all night talking in his car; they’ve been flirting through text message ever since.

I did mention this is just an acquaintance, right? Perhaps you’re wondering how I know all these intimate details about his love life. Well, it’s simple: I’ve read it all on Twitter.

Yep, that’s right. The one-night-stands, the flirtations that he knew would lead nowhere, the snap judgments, and more are all out on public display. Now, it’s not quite as bad as it sounds; he does have a closed account, so presumably only his “friends” can read this. The random women won’t be reading about their exploits if they do a search.

But let’s suppose this latest woman turns into a real relationship. Soon she’ll feel close enough to be deemed a “friend” on social media. Now she’ll be able to read about herself... and everyone else. Maybe she won’t mind; after all, almost everything about her is all positive, and anyone else is firmly in the past.

Now let’s consider a different scenario. A relationship doesn’t go anywhere, but they settle firmly into “friend” territory. Once again she’s added to social media, and she’s watching the blow-by-blow account of all his current flames. Part of her probably wonders what’s been said about her, and it probably stings, even if she has no interest in a relationship.

On other social networks like Facebook, it’s even easier to stumble across updates from the distant past. Yes, there are ways to filter, edit, and more, but it can be difficult to track the “level of friendship” with everyone, particularly when it’s someone new who travels through levels quickly. Perhaps you can manage posting about every thought and date, but why add the extra stress?

In today’s world of social media, perhaps we’ve become accustomed to sharing most of our thoughts and experiences. When it comes to dating, however, think twice. You see, you’re not just talking about your intimate, personal experience; you’re talking about that of someone else.

Do you want to know how to meet singles using social media? Take a look at our Twitter review to find out how.

Have you ever been in a relationship where your significant other came first? Did you put his needs in front of your own - even to the point of making excuses for his bad behavior?

Let me give you an example. Let's say your boyfriend has been coming home late for the past several nights, not answering his phone, and has repeatedly cancelled plans that you have made. Maybe he's given you excuses like he's busy with work, but he doesn't really apologize or try to make an effort to be with you. He just calls you when it's convenient for him, and you always seem to go where he wants - whether it's to a restaurant, sporting event, or movie. You look to see what he wants first.

Then when your family and friends start to question his behavior and lack of consideration, you find yourself defending him and making excuses. Perhaps you say he works really hard or he is just too busy right now, trying to protect your boyfriend from their accusations.

While this might sound extreme, maybe it also sounds familiar. Maybe you've found yourself going out of your way in a relationship to please your partner, even when he's giving you very little. But why?

Most of the time, we are aware of our significant other's bad behavior, and we know that the relationship is unequal. But we're really trying to make it work, because he seems to have all the right qualities - like the fact that he's smart, handsome, successful, funny, or whatever. Sometimes we feel pressured by timing - we're worried about biological clocks, and feel that we won't find someone "as good" if we leave. Or maybe we feel like he's the best we'll ever get.

Regardless of the reason, there's no excuse to keep going as you have been. Making excuses for your boyfriend's bad behavior only makes you weaker in the relationship and less willing or able to leave it for one that's more fulfilling. After all, you're giving your power away. And it could set a precedent if you break up to repeat the same patterns in the future.

But it doesn't have to. You can choose to stop making excuses, to put yourself first in any relationship. This doesn't mean you should be selfish and demanding, but that you exercise self-care. Your needs are just as important as your significant other's. And when he's not respecting you, then stop making excuses and let him know it's not acceptable. Be willing to walk away, because you deserve better.

How do you know if you're making excuses for him? Sometimes the line is a little fuzzy. Sometimes the best thing to do is talk to yourself like you're speaking with your best friend. Ask yourself how you would advise her to take care of herself - if she should forgive him or walk away. Treat yourself with the same care and respect you'd give a friend and you'll have the right answer for you.

Growing up, I frequently heard a tip, often said with a grim sort of wisdom behind the words: “If someone offers to take you on a date, never accept unless you’re thrilled by the idea.” With very few exceptions, this is pretty solid advice; if you know you only have friendly feelings - or less! - for someone you’re reasonably acquainted with, not much is going to change on a date. However, one of those aforementioned exceptions is when the date is made via online dating.

Think about it - how can you possibly know if you’re excited about a date with someone you’ve never met? Sure, you might be able to tell if you’re vaguely interested, if you have things in common, or if the person is reasonably attractive (or at least nice-looking). Still, when it comes right down to it, you have no earthly way of knowing if you’re going to share a spark. So what can you do? You have to meet in person to know for sure.

Some people don’t like to hear this. They like online dating because they get to control more variables than usual - the sort of first impression they put out, their custom searches, etc. To hear that they’re still going to have to take the plunge and meet before anything is certain, well, it can seem a little too “blind date” for them.

Alas, it’s not something you can really get around. So much of our chemistry is felt only when we’re face-to-face, and love can be unpredictable and surprising, even for those people who usually dislike being surprised. The couple who seemed perfectly matched find out they’re only compatible as friends, or the man who seemed only so-so turns out to have an absolutely intoxicating smile in person. Having that first meeting is a necessity.

So, if you like, think of it as a first meeting instead of a first date. Establish your real feelings, not the ones that are muddled with the fantasies you formed while reading profiles. If there’s a spark, you’ll likely be feeling it by the end of that first “meeting.”

And then? Only offer or accept that second meeting if you’re thrilled by the very idea of it. Times and technology may change, but there’s still wisdom left in those old words.

We've all heard the jokes about "cougars" when we speak of older women dating younger men. But in real life, it's not a joke at all. In fact, why shouldn't older women date younger men? It's more acceptable in society for older men to date younger women, although this is the subject of some jokes, too.

If there is an attraction between two people of different ages, who are we to judge? It's only by pursuing the people we are drawn to that we figure out where the relationship falls - a short-term romance or long-term commitment. And sometimes, the people who are meant to be lifelong partners are not who we expect - they could be much older or younger than us. But society doesn't always accept this.

Does that mean we should ignore our feelings, because we're expected to date someone closer to our own age? Not at all.

Following are some tips to keep in mind if you want to pursue that younger man:

Ignore the gossip. I'm sure plenty of people will have a lot to say about your new love interest. While I'm all for listening to friends and family if they have issues with the quality of character of the person you're dating, if they can't look past the age difference, they aren't being objective. It's up to you to really get to know him and decide for yourself how you feel.

Know what you want. Are you looking for a short-term fling or something more substantial? If a man is in his early twenties, likely he's not thinking about pursuing anything serious, but it's important to know. Be upfront about your intentions so you're both on the same page, and so you don't feel like you're misleading him.

Leave the past behind. He doesn't need to know all the details of your divorce or the problems you had in past relationships. Focus on the present and enjoying your time together now.

Be aware of your career differences. When you're boyfriend is younger than you, chances are he's not as far along in his career, either. Be sure to talk about this before it becomes a sore subject. Of course more experience provides a bigger paycheck and a better job title, but it doesn't mean that he can't have that in the future, too. It's great if he's supportive of you and your success, but if it becomes a problem for him then it's important to talk about it.

Speaking from experience, managing a relationship as an entrepreneur is difficult to do. It's not the same as your average relationship because entrepreneurs are starting and running businesses from the ground up. Often times by themselves. So they work crazy hours and are hardly ever home. That means you don't get to see or talk to your significant other as much, let alone spend quality time together.

That said, my wife and I have managed our relationship well over the last couple of years while I've built my business. Here are the 5 things we did to make it work.

1. Establish a Work Schedule: I work long days, so I expect to be interrupted sometimes. However, I do need to get things done, and being interrupted constantly will keep me from being productive (it can be annoying, too).

So my first tip is to establish a work schedule. This schedule should more or less be your "off limits" time, where you can work as interrupted-free as possible. If you both are on the same page here, this will allow you to get some work done and avoid petty arguing because your significant other knows when it's ok, and not ok, to bother you.

2. Pencil in Dates: It's important to spend time together. However, this can be easier said than done though when an entrepreneur is busy working 24/7.

What you need to do is schedule a time for your date. No work, no interruptions. This time is just for the two of you to enjoy each other's company.

It's even easier to accomplish if you make your date night the same day each week. For us, Saturdays are usually the day where my work schedule is more relaxed, allowing us to go catch a movie or dinner any time that we want.

3. Communication is Huge: I can tell you from experience that it's very easy to go without communicating with your significant other if all you're doing is working day in and day out.

We all know that's unhealthy for a relationship, right?

So what I recommend doing is making it a point to talk to your partner. Take a break from your work every so often just to say hi. Send text messages frequently, or leave notes on the counter. Do something to keep the communication going between the two of you.

Otherwise, you might as well be trying to manage a long distance relationship.

4. Let the Little Things Go: You hardly see each other as is. Do you really want to spend your "quality" time arguing about stuff? Some things are unavoidable, like the finances or kids (if you have them). However, things like forgetting to take out the trash or hanging up the clothes is petty. Why let that ruin your time together?

It shouldn't.

5. Remember Why You're Doing It: As hard as managing a relationship and entrepreneurial projects are, I (you/we) do it so we can improve our lives and the lives of those we care about. It's a small sacrifice now that will pay off big down the road. So, keep the reasons you have in mind at all times, and think of them often. It'll make the times when you're frustrated or you miss your spouse much easier to handle.

About the author: Hi, my name is Matt. I'm the co-owner of www.PlugThingsIn.com, which is one business (of several) that I've built while maintaining a strong relationship with my wife. If you have any questions or feedback, I'd like to hear them. Let me know in the comments below.