Advice

You have a first date lined up, and let’s face it, you’re kind of petrified. What if you don’t click at all? What if you say something dumb? What if, somehow, you’re not really acting like yourself, and maybe your date would like you but that’s not who apparently showed up tonight?

It’s not hard to acknowledge that these nerves are pretty universal - that we can identify when we see them in movies or hear about them from friends. And yet, it seems to be the hardest thing in the world to realize that when we go out on a date, chances are, our date is just as nervous, if not more!

Yes, let’s think about that for a moment. You’re not headed to a job interview where someone with nothing invested is coolly observing your every move. Quite the contrary; even if you do stutter, your date might not even notice, wrapped up as they are in their own internal panic mode!

So imagine this: What if, when we headed out to a date, our goal was not to represent ourselves in the most perfect and accurate way, or to be as impressive as possible? What if, instead, our goal was to make our date comfortable?

It might seem a little strange, or even like an insignificant difference, but the results have the potential to be dramatic. When you’re thinking more about your date than yourself, your own posture will probably relax. You’re paying more attention to what your date is saying - far more attractive than being lost in your own head. You’re striving to find common ground to make them comfortable, not laying out your credentials like you’re asking for a job. And if there’s less pressure on yourself, you might be out of that fight-or-flight mode, freeing up your brain to be funnier and more clever.

Sure, it’d be great if we could all just stride into a first date full of confidence and lacking nerves, but few of us are able. By focusing on the nerves of your date, however, you potentially take pressure off yourself and make your date more comfortable. Not a bad alternative.

It's that time of year - out with the old, in with the new!

The same goes for your dating life, and I'm not just talking about the men or women you've dated. I'm talking about your old dating habits - the ones that you would be better off without.

Sometimes it's difficult to change our behavior and attitude, or to see what we're doing wrong, but it's invaluable to our personal development and in working towards what we want. We can get stuck wanting to change the people we meet and date. But if you want real change in your dating life, then that is totally up to you.

Making a plan is essential - it's the movement, the steps we take each day, that eventually get us to our destination. And what better time to start than the new year? So get ready for 2013 by putting your dreams into action:

Join that online dating site. Are you afraid of trying online dating? Have you not had good experiences in the past? Now is the time to put all that behind you and try again. But this time, do a little homework. Instead of just joining the same old site, there are now plenty to choose from, depending on what you want. If you want to find someone religious, or someone who's a vegan, or someone who's politically active, there's a site for you. See what's out there, and try it out. Most sites offer a free introductory trial period so you can get a feel for what they are like.

Accept invitations. Do you tend to screen all your dates? Do you ignore the guy in line behind you at the coffee shop because he's not your "type?" Are you dismissive of guys who come across as nervous? If so, you could be getting in your own way. Often, we overlook opportunities right in front of us. Just because you picture meeting someone a certain way or at a certain time doesn't mean it will happen that way - be open to opportunities and accept invitations to go out. What's the harm in one date?

Adjust the attitude. If you're looking to meet the right person now and not "waste time" with the wrong ones you might want to rethink your strategy. If you cut dates short, or tell them right away that they aren't your type, you're likely coming across to your dates as insensitive, arrogant, or picky, which isn't going to help you in your pursuits. It's important to remember that all of us have weaknesses and strengths, so trying to weed out potential love interests in a hurry isn't helping you get there any faster. Instead, look at every date as an opportunity to find love. And remember that a lot of what makes two people click is intangible. Relationships take time to build. Consider each and every date an opportunity to invest in your future happiness. No time spent finding love is ever wasted.

The scenario: You're on a date, and the man sitting across from you says or does something that reminds you of your ex boyfriend. Maybe he chews his food in a similar manner, or maybe he's a fan of the Red Sox, too. Whatever the case, it's enough to make you start complaining about all the things that your ex did to you, how wrong he was for you, and how you never want to date anyone like that again.

You can imagine why this date never called you back, can't you?

Sometimes it's hard to resist venting about past loves, especially in an intimate setting like a date. If you two are getting along pretty well and sharing a few secrets, it might feel natural to confide in some nasty missives about your ex. But this isn't a good way to date. Who wants to be your sounding board?

If you find yourself unable to control the urge to vent, then consider taking these few steps to set yourself on a healthier dating path:

Ask: Have you truly gotten over your ex? If you find yourself checking his Facebook page or harboring feelings for him still, then you might not have given yourself time to heal.

Answer: Allow yourself to take a break from dating so that you're not just looking for rebound relationships. Reach out to friends for support, immerse yourself in activities you love, and focus on healing yourself. You have to let go for new love to come into your life.

Ask: Are you afraid of a new relationship? Sometimes we'll push opportunities away if we're afraid to move forward. If your ex cheated on you or betrayed you somehow, you might find it harder to be vulnerable again.

Answer: It's important to examine the reasons for our fears so we can move past them. Be honest with yourself - are you afraid you're not going to choose well, or that another man will do the same thing? Don't be afraid of asking for help or support. A good counselor or minister will help you navigate through your emotions to make healthier choices.

Are you playing the victim? Maybe your ex did a lot of things wrong, but living in a state of anger and blame isn't going to serve your needs.

Answer: Instead of dwelling on all of his mistakes, start owning up to your own life, what you want, and how you might do things differently next time. The sooner you let go of being the victim, the happier and healthier your relationships will be going forward.

Perhaps you’ve been talking to someone new that you’ve met through an online dating site. They seem great, but maybe you’re just feeling a little cautious because your mother keeps emailing you stories about dating scams. Or maybe they seem a little too good to be true. Or maybe you’re just plain curious. So you do what any logical person would do: you turn to your friendly neighborhood search engine.

What happens next is where things get dicey. How much searching should you actually do? Where’s the line between concerned citizen and near-stalker? And do you ever tell your date that you’ve been checking up on them?

There’s no set etiquette for this situation, and really you’re going to have to play it by ear and base it on the situation. However, following are a few factors to bear in mind.

First of all, you should ask yourself why you’re really searching. If you’re just verifying that your date is a real person with a real history, a quick skim should do the trick. Anything beyond that and you’re going to have to admit to yourself that you’re just being nosy. You might try to justify it to yourself, but there’s really no reason to go delving into, say, past relationship history on that blog from seven years ago. Poke around all you like, but be honest with yourself about it.

As for whether you should admit to your date that you’ve done some searching, well, that depends on what you’re going to admit to seeing. There’s nothing wrong with the quick-verification search; in today’s world of relative paranoia and easy information, it’s almost expected. Still, it doesn’t hurt to look a little sheepish, no matter how innocent and cursory your perusing was. Even if you have the best of intentions, you’re entering their personal space by trying to find out parts of their life that they haven’t explicitly shared; a little acknowledgement of that fact goes a long way.

If you really have gone delving into ancient social networking pages and forum posts, you might want to keep that to yourself. Your date will only distract themselves wondering exactly what you’ve seen, or get embarrassed, and you don’t want to be responsible for making them uncomfortable. If things progress into a serious relationship, maybe then you can confess that you listened to recordings from their old garage band.

Finally, remember that the door swings both ways: others might be searching for information about you, too. There’s not much you can do about what’s already out there, other than prepare yourself for the possibility that it’ll be seen, but keep potential searches in mind before you make any new information public. And if a date reveals that they’ve been looking you up, don’t take it personally! After all, we’ve all done it.

Imagine this: you spot a profile and the person looks pleasant and reasonably attractive. You have several common interests, so you send an email. The other person is also interested in seeing whether there’s any chemistry, so you schedule a date.

Alas, there doesn’t appear to be any chemistry. You still think the other person is nice, rather in the way you might have a neighbor that you acknowledge is attractive, but there’s just no spark of attraction. Nor is there anything “wrong” to speak of. Just not a match for you.

Now let’s spin it the other way. You had high hopes for this date. There wasn’t any spark of chemistry, but there wasn’t anything wrong either. Your date was nice, and certainly attractive. You’d be amenable to a second date - but your date tells you later that they’re simply not interested.

If you’re being honest with yourself, you weren’t incredibly interested either. But the undeniable truth is that the rejection still stings. Then the question becomes: why does it, if we know it wasn’t anything personal? Another, interesting question might be: if you had to choose, which person in that ill-fated date would you rather be?

Not every random pair of people share chemistry - even those who seem compatible on paper. If it were that easy, there wouldn’t be much of a dating pool to speak of. Alas, chemistry is a nebulous concept that simply has to be tested out in person - and that means there will likely be rejection.

Perhaps if we were to step into the dating world a little more cognizant of this probability, it wouldn’t sting quite as much. Chances are, if you experience rejection it really isn’t due to anything you said or did; it’s just a matter of that puzzle piece not fitting. After all, as has frequently been said, you’re looking for a good match, not looking to win a contest for being the best date.

And remember: just as no one likes to be rejected, no one likes to do the rejecting either. It’s pretty uncomfortable no matter which way the coin flips. Thus, try not to prolong the awkwardness by demanding the rejector’s thought processes unless you have good reason. Similarly, if you find yourself in a position where you know you’re not interested in pursuing anything further, don’t draw it out. You’re just wasting time - time in which you could both be finding a legitimate match.

Rejection is awkward, painful, and the worst part of dating. Still, with a little perspective, perhaps we can mitigate the sting and make it as bearable as possible. Never lose sight of your end goal: a match with whom you can make a long-term relationship. If that’s not a possibility, is bringing it to a swift end really that terrible?

I am endlessly fascinated by the intersections of sex and science. Where does love end and biology begin? How much of love is a romantic, unexplainable emotion and how much is a chemical reaction in the brain? Will science ever be able to explain it all? Would we want it to?

A lot has happened lately on that front.

On Attraction:

Scientists in Ireland have discovered a brain region that plays a major role in romantic decision-making. The region is the medial prefrontal cortex, located near the front of the brain. The medial prefrontal cortex is responsible for making snap judgments about physical attraction and compatibility - all within milliseconds of seeing a person for the first time.

On Children:

Researchers at Bar Ilan University in Israel studied couples with children and found that marital satisfaction decreased following the birth of the first child. It continued to decline steadily after that, reaching its lowest point when the kids became teenagers. Couples with stronger relationships to begin with showed fewer signs of dissatisfaction after having children, though in all cases marital dissatisfaction was not significantly related to divorce. When children leave the home and couples have more time together, they are often able to rebuild closeness and intimacy.

On Sex:

A brain imaging study found that, compared to new partners, long-term partners show activity in brain areas associated with attachment that demonstrated greater calmness and less tension. As long-term partners settle into their relationship, they become more securely attached and less fearful of abandonment. It's important to build a strong romantic bond early on, so that love can withstand the challenges of aging and family development.

On Romance:

Can romance last, or is it destined to disappear with time? Brain imaging studies conducted by Art Aron (who collaborated with his wife of 37 years) at Stony Brook University have provided proof that romantic love can last, at least for around 5-12% of couples.

On Love:

Aron's research showed that love has a unique physiological profile in the brain. Brain scans of both long-term and recent couples revealed activity in the ventral tagmental area (VTA) of the brain, an area with a high concentration of dopamine, which is associated with reward and motivation. Long-term love appears to activate the brain's reward systems. Aron also found that long-term couples who reported the most romantic love on questionnaires had levels of VTA activity similar to those of couples who were newly in love.