Tips

It's a new year, which means a time to make real changes in our lives. While resolutions can be difficult to initiate and maintain, they help us improve the parts of our lives that we feel are lacking.

If you're looking to create more dating success in 2011, I've put together a list of five mistakes you should stop making to improve your results.

Stop being flaky. Sure, we all get busy at work. There are also times when we don't want to call someone back if the chemistry wasn't there on a first date. But this is no excuse for letting calls go to voicemail unreturned or for texts to remain unanswered. Make plans when you can follow through. Or let the person know you aren't interested, so both of you can move on.

Don't fake it. If you're interested in someone and want to impress her, you won't get far if you aren't true to yourself. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. Instead of looking to impress, ask questions and get to really know your date instead of making assumptions about what she wants. She could surprise you.

Leave the critic at home. If you find yourself dismissing dates within the first few minutes of meeting for something trivial (i.e. "I can't believe he wore a baseball cap on a date"), then you need to loosen your standards. Instead of being immediately critical, get to know your date and have a little more fun. How can you ever get past a first date if you're too busy critiquing?

Don't expect dates to come to you. This is not about joining one or two online dating sites and waiting to see what happens, but actively putting yourself in the dating market. Check your online dating matches and respond regularly. Attend parties, events, and classes and introduce yourself. Answer texts and emails promptly. Talk to the guy in line next to you at Starbucks. You won't see results without actively seeking them.

Don't let disappointment and negativity take over. So, he didn't call you back? Consider your budding romance a thing of the past and move on to other prospects. Remember that a few bad experiences don't make bad dates or inconsiderate behavior the norm.

Happy New Year!

Social media is fast becoming the new way singles meet each other. Facebook is one of the most popular tools for connecting, and is bringing friends of friends together as an alternative to traditional online dating. I'm a Facebook fan---without it, I might not have met my husband.

That said, Facebook can also bring out the relationship demons in all of us. If you aren't careful about how you interpret and conduct yourself over Facebook, you could find yourself complicating or ruining a new relationship before it even gets started.

Following are some tips to keep in mind when it comes to Facebook and dating:

Don't "friend" someone you don't know. If you are looking at your friend's single friends over Facebook, instead of sending a friend request right away, ask your friend in common to introduce you.

Spice up your profile. Just as your online dating profile should spark some interest, so should your Facebook page! Be creative and let people know your interests, but don't feel the need to overshare. Also, be sure to post current pictures and keep them updated.

Facebook shouldn't be the way to deliver important relationship news. If you want to be exclusive, have a conversation with the person you're dating before you change your Facebook relationship status. Likewise with breaking up. If you wouldn't want to find out over Facebook, neither will he.

Don't stalk. You may feel the need to friend your dates right away to find out more about them. However, you should wait until you've been going out for a while before you do. If things don't work out, do you really want to be reminded of his single status or his next girlfriend? Does he need to know who your friends are or what you're doing?

Remember, Facebook is a public place, and should be treated as such. If you decide to pick fights over Facebook, they don't disappear, and everyone in your circles are witness. Instead of going to your keyboard, pick up the phone and call your date. At least if it gets ugly there won't be a permanent reminder.

Take advantage of invitations over Facebook. If there is a group you're a fan of that is having an event, or a friend of a friend has invited you to a book signing, go! Facebook is a great tool to connect us with new people, so use it.

If you are interesting in using Facebook as a dating tool, you should read about the Zoosk Facebook Dating application.

Dating can be stressful, especially if you're looking to impress. There are plenty of ways to ensure you get started on the right foot...even before a first date takes place. It doesn't take much to make a woman feel special, especially if you show her you're interested and you're a man of your word. Following are some ways to make a good impression before the first date (or even second or third):

• Ask her out. Yes, that's right. Don't call her to see if she wants to "hang out" or "meet for a drink sometime"...call her and ask her out on a real date for a specific day and time. This one gesture goes a long way in showing her that you're interested and not just looking for a casual fling or friendship.
• Don't ask her to pick the place. I can't tell you how many times guys would ask me out and then ask if I could pick the restaurant, bar, etc. where we'd meet. This got me into trouble in several ways: the place was either too far away, too expensive, or not a "good vibe". If you are working within a certain budget or looking for a specific type of place, pick it! Whoever does the asking does the planning. And don't be upset if you ask her to choose and it's not a place you like. You lost your chance to complain when you put the responsibility on her.
• Don't rely on texting. I know many people feel that texting is the only way they can communicate, but it doesn't work so well for dating. If you want to ask a woman out on a first date, pick up the phone and call her. You can confirm the place, time, etc. via text, but don't initiate a date that way. Also, don't text her at 8pm and ask if she can meet you then. It shows her you're not that interested.
• Don't be a flake. Maybe your work schedule is unpredictable, so you have to change or cancel your date at the last minute. If you do cancel, make sure you reschedule for another date and time right away. If you leave things vague (i.e. "let's touch base next week") you might lose your chance because she may assume you're not that interested and move on.
• Dress for success. Maybe it's because I live in southern California, but there are many men here who show up to dates wearing board shorts and flip flops. If this is as dressed up as it gets for you, you may want to reconsider your wardrobe for dating. I don't expect or want a suit or jacket, but it does impress me when a man puts some effort into looking good...(i.e. hair is groomed and he's wearing clothes that are more current than 1997). If you are unsure, ask a female friend for help.

As 2010 comes to a close, it's a good time to reassess things. Maybe you'd like to become more organized, lose a few pounds from holiday pumpkin pie, or have better success in dating. Whatever the case, in order to change your old habits, it's necessary to develop some better alternatives.

When it comes to dating, many of us have particular beliefs and patterns to which we succumb, whether we realize it or not. Sure, dating can be frustrating and difficult, but it can also be fun and teach us about what we do and don't want in our lives. It's all about perspective. With that in mind, following are some tips for making your dating life a little rosier in the New Year.

Put yourself out there. Many people attend events in order to meet others, but then become shy and unapproachable, which defeats the purpose. Remember to smile, initiate conversation, and circulate. Don't talk to the same people all night because it makes you comfortable. Now is the time to venture outside your comfort zone to bring more opportunities into your life.

Mix it up. Instead of going to the same bar for your weekly happy hour and expecting to meet new people, try something new. Go to a wine tasting, take a pottery class, or go for a ride with a local biking group. You could even try something as simple as going to a new Starbucks in another neighborhood. The point is to try something different.

Lose the negativity. If you've been on a slew of bad dates sometimes it's hard to get back out there with a positive outlook, but it's necessary in attracting people to you. If you begin each date thinking of all the things that could go wrong, or how he or she doesn't measure up to what your ideal mate would be, you'll have a difficult and unpleasant time. Instead of thinking about your past disappointments, start each date on a clean slate. Give yourself and your dates the benefit of the doubt...they will eventually surprise you.

Create quality "alone" time. This may seem counter-intuitive to dating, but it's necessary to spend some quality time with yourself. Whether you exercise, meditate, or take up a hobby, make sure that the time you spend feeds your creativity and spirit. Only when you are fully in touch with yourself and the things that make you happy will you be happy in a relationship.

Lose the "list". Many of us have created lists of our ideal mates in order to attract him/her to us and to better know what we want. Unfortunately, I think this hurts our interactions with others more than it helps us see clearly. Instead of dumping a date because he doesn't meet some qualifications on your list, give each date a real chance. They could surprise you.

Happy New Year!

A little while back, we reviewed LiveScience's countdown of the 10 things every woman should know about a man's brain. Now it's time for the ladies to take the stage.

So what's really going on in the female mind?

Are women really less inclined than men to be aggressive and create conflict? How much of an effect do children and pregnancy actually have on female emotions and behavior? Is a woman's sex drive really that much more complicated than a man's? LiveScience writer Robin Nixon answers these questions and more while exploring the complexities of the female brain.

Let's begin the countdown at number 10:

10. Women show increased interest in taking risks as men show more interest in settling down. As the body moves into a more advanced, mature stage post-menopause, the female brain gets a second wind. Men show greater interest in relationships as they age, while women become increasingly willing to engage in risky behavior that could potentially lead to conflict or other difficulties (particularly if they no longer have children living with them). In addition to this new-found zest for life, many women over 50 also find that they feel a strong desire to dedicate time to helping their local and global communities, or to further their careers and personal development.

9. Women experience adolescence twice. Thought it was difficult to endure once? Imagine having to go through adolescence twice! The physical changes, hormonal instabilities, and constant questioning of one's identity that occur during adolescence rear their ugly heads once again during "perimenopause," a phase that women experience in their 40s. The changes begin around age 43, and last anywhere from 2 to 9 years. Men also experience hormonal changes as they grow older, but they do not occur nearly as abruptly or strongly.

8. "Mommy brain" is a very real phenomenon. "The physical, hormonal, emotional and social changes facing a woman directly after giving birth can be monumental," writes Nixon, and because so much of her life has become unstable, she needs everything else - especially her partner - to be as predictable and steady as possible. In earlier evolutionary stages, support came from kin-folk who helped with childrearing, and it was rare that a woman was a full-time mother. This approach to raising children allowed babies to have constant care, and gave their mothers opportunities to relax during an extremely stressful period.

Fun Fact: One way women can lower their stress levels after giving birth is breastfeeding. Research suggests that nursing may help women cope with stress (although too much stress can disrupt lactation) and "one study even found that breastfeeding might be more rewarding to the female brain than cocaine!"

7. Pregnancy has a big effect on a woman's brain. In the first 8 weeks of a woman's pregnancy, the hormone Progesterone increases 30-fold, making many expectant mothers seem sedated. And believe it or not, a woman's brain actually shrinks during pregnancy. According to a study published in the American Journal of Neuroadiology in 2002, a woman's brain is approximately 4% smaller by the time she delivers, and returns to normal size after delivery over the course of 6 months.

The issue of whether pregnancy causes a woman to think differently is highly controversial. A recent study found a link between memory problems and pregnancy hormones, but other research suggests that the changes that occur are preparing the brain to engage in maternal behavior. The circuits built in the latter theory likely continue to develop after a woman has given birth. Researchers at Tufts University have found that "handling a baby releases maternal hormones, even among females who have never been pregnant."

The final 6 things that every man should know about a woman's brain will be revealed next...stay tuned!

Has your list of matches dwindled down to only a few new candidates? Have you found that online communication leads nowhere? If you are looking to ramp up your dating life and improve your match results, it's time to be proactive. There are many things you can do to increase your dating choices.

• Spice up your profile. Have a friend take a look at what you've posted (even better if it's someone of the opposite sex). Are you too generic in your description of yourself or your interests? Or perhaps you've written something so long that nobody wants to read it? Asking a friend to assist you is efficient and gives you another perspective.

• Change the pictures. Maybe you love that picture from your rock climbing trip three years ago, but it's time to update and replace it. Changing your profile and pictures helps you attract new candidates as they search. Also, you won't be accused of posting a picture that looks 10 years old!

• Recognize that misunderstandings happen. If you decide to ignore a match because of something he/she said in an email, you could be closing yourself off to a great new relationship. Instead of making assumptions about someone's intentions, ask him what he meant by his remark and explain how you interpreted it. It could be a simple misunderstanding rather than a personality trait you don't like.

• Loosen your parameters. Do you narrow your search according to factors like age, location, or career? Let's say you won't date anyone over 35...this may prevent you from meeting a fantastic 37-year old with the same goals and interests. Or what if you will not date anyone who lives more than 20 miles away? You could be missing the love of your life who lives 30 miles away. Every so often, it's good to adjust parameters to have more choice.

• Realize that dating has ups and downs. Sometimes you'll get more emails from matches than others. Some dates will be better than others. If you feel like online dating isn't working because you haven't yet met the love of your life, relax. Prepare yourself for meeting the right person by opening yourself up to opportunities in front of you now. You never know how you could meet; usually when you least expect it.