Advice

In most online dating sites, the format of a profile is much the same: there’s a section where you talk about yourself, and a section where you talk about what (who, really) you’re looking for. The latter section is where many run into trouble; if they knew exactly what they wanted, wouldn’t they have found it by now? Or doesn’t everyone want someone who is absolutely perfect and probably doesn’t exist? Or how do they know that what they think they want is actually what would make a good match? But the other day, Rose, a friend, brought up another problem with the “looking for” section: she thinks it might ultimately be dehumanizing.

“After all,” she pointed out, “it feeds into the ‘on demand’ syndrome. It’s bad enough some people think that since they’re using an internet service, the perfect match should be delivered to them; this just makes them feel like they’re putting in their order at the drive-thru window.”

Does Rose have a point? Maybe - but though the “Looking for” section might not be perfect, there are certainly benefits. For example, imagine you’re reading a profile and the person seems great - so great, in fact, that you begin to fear they’re a little out of your league. Then you read the “looking for” section, and it sounds like they could be talking about you! You pluck up your courage and contact them.

Likewise, imagine you’re reading the same profile, but it doesn’t seem like that person is looking for you at all. You have a choice now; you can still roll the dice and contact the person - there’s no harm in it. But if they aren’t interested, or there’s ultimately no spark, the sting is lessened - you knew it was a long shot from the beginning.

Granted, sometimes people don’t really know what they want, and sometimes they’re demanding a little too much when they list what they want, but these problems will become apparent soon enough. And the profile-writer might have learned a lesson or two in what really makes someone compatible. And, of course, you’re looking for a person, not just a set of traits - everything is always on a case-by-case basis. But the ‘looking for’ section can at least get people with compatible interests pointed in the general direction of one another.

So perhaps the ‘looking for’ section does less harm than good, and should stay for the time being. And what about Rose’s concerns - how to avoid thinking of your date like a burger and fries? Well, for starters, remember that you’re listing what you’re “looking for” - you’re not making a list of demands. And perhaps the more broad you are, the better; you’re dealing with real people and real insecurities. Don’t you want as many people as possible to feel comfortable contacting you - ones who don’t think you’re just ordering at a drive-thru?

When you're dating, it takes a while to get to know someone. Along the way, you pick up on clues or red flags that may alert you to problems down the road. Sometimes we can be so head-over-heels for someone we choose to ignore the potential problems. Or maybe we just don't feel comfortable talking about them. Maybe he's showed signs of anger or she's shown an inability to control her impulses. Do you brush it off, assuming it's not a big deal, or do you confront the issue directly?

It's a good idea to pay attention to warning signs when you're dating. Often, your gut tells you something is wrong before you're willing to acknowledge it. For example, you may ask: Does she yell at you in public? Are you frightened by her possessiveness? Does he get angry if you don't do what he wants?

Ignoring these red flags won't make them go away. In fact, the more involved you get in the relationship the more willing you become to talk yourself out of what's going wrong. So it's best to address your concerns early on and directly.

When I was hosting speed dating, two of my clients brought this idea to my attention when they met each other at one of my events. Jill found Steve's passion about everything - from work to politics to philosophy - completely irresistible. They hit it off and started dating, but after a few weeks she noticed that his passion was more like anger. Soon Steve started directing his anger at her when she didn't want to do things that he liked or when she disagreed with him.

Jill wasn't sure how to handle this growing problem, so she decided to avoid a conversation and start dating other men. She went back to her online dating site and soon after wrote Steve a brief email to break things off. No harm no foul - after all, they'd only been dating a few weeks and weren't exclusive.

Unfortunately, Steve didn't see their relationship the same way - he assumed they were more serious. He responded by writing an angry email, accusing her of cheating, leading him on and not being able to commit. He also thought it was cowardly that she'd broken things off in an email. She was surprised by this response, and didn't know what to do.

His response was telling. Steve certainly had some anger and jealousy issues to deal with, but Jill could have handled the break-up (and the progression of the relationship) a little better simply by addressing her concerns earlier, instead of avoiding them altogether. And both parties could have avoided misunderstanding if they'd discussed their relationship intentions from the beginning. If Steve wanted exclusivity, he should have made that clear. If Jill wanted to date other men, she should have let Steve know this before she went back to her online dating site.

It's important to be honest and true to yourself when it comes to dating. If you see red flags, address them - sooner rather than later.

When you're online dating, you meet a lot of people without knowing much about them. And they know basically nothing about you either, aside from what you've mentioned in your profile or over a text or phone call. This means that there's more pressure for you to leave a good impression, and more room for misunderstandings to occur. After all, you don't come with references. And neither does your date.

With this in mind, it's important to understand that first impressions are everything. And while it might be unfair to be judged by a virtual stranger for something you did unintentionally, that's what happens a lot of the time. So it's up to you to put the best foot forward possible, so that you have a chance to get to that second date. (Especially if you find yourself really attracted to her.)

Following are four important reminders of what you should never do on a first date if you want to make a good impression:

Drink too much. It's okay to have a glass of wine or beer, but if you're feeling nervous and tend to wash those feelings away with a couple of shots, you should reconsider your strategy. You want to have control of your impulses and senses to keep yourself out of danger. You also want to make decisions you won't regret later. So have some restraint.

Constantly check your cell phone. Have you ever been sitting across from your date and he's texting or checking his Twitter feed all night? This is really rude and annoying. Your date will think you're not interested or that you're texting about her. It will feed all kinds of insecurities, none of which mean you'll have a second date. So do yourself a favor and put it away while you're together. I promise, you'll be okay being offline for a couple of hours.

Act too sexually eager or aggressive. Men - even if you feel like she's making a move or being overly flirtatious, it's good to let her lead the physical aspect of the relationship. Don't just assume she'll hook up with you. And ladies - know where you stand. If you're too eager to enter into a physical relationship with a guy to lure him, he won't take you as serious relationship material. Proceed with both eyes open, and know your limits.

Look around at the other hot guys/girls in the room. Engage with your date. It also helps to keep your eyes focused on your date, especially when he or she is talking. If you're looking around at everyone else in the room, she's going to think you're rude or uninterested. Try to focus your attention fully on her, no matter how distracted you might be.

It’s probably no surprise that when it comes to improving any experience - be it dating, a job, bad traffic - the easiest and first place to start is with yourself. It’s a bit of mind over matter; if you think something is going to be terrible, it almost certainly will be, and if you try to make a situation fun, it just might help. Now, nobody wants to head out on a date expecting a bad time - in fact, most would say they’re hoping for the best - but they could be sabotaging themselves with something lurking underneath: hostility.

Hostility isn’t really as uncommon as one might think in the dating world. Some might call it bitterness, but it doesn’t have to be - it could just as easily be due to fear or something else. Think about it: if you’re in the dating world, your previous relationship had to end. Chances are, it didn’t end well. Now you’re asking yourself to open your heart again.

To make matters worse, there are probably all sorts of Negative Nellies filling your mind with horrible scenarios that rarely actually happen, but which they saw on a procedural crime drama last week. Not to mention the less nightmare-inducing, but still painful, little generalizations you always see in popular culture, like “All men are dogs” and “Nice guys always finish last.” A little wariness seems like a pretty natural response!

But even though it may be fully justified, having underlying hostility or aggression can really put the damper on any sparks that may otherwise fly. How can you really analyze if you’re feeling any chemistry when you’re more focused on whether your date looks like they might have murderous eyes? It’s good to scan for red flags, but at some point you have to put that detector on autopilot and focus on actually getting to know your date - and letting your date get to know you.

So as you head out on your first date, it might be helpful to ask yourself what you’re really feeling. If it’s fear, you can put some of those to rest with simple precautionary measures - a friend stationed nearby, for example. If it’s anger, it’s time to focus on what you’re looking for in a relationship - not what you’re looking to avoid. By addressing hostility now, you can minimize the chances it’ll pop up on your date - and you can let the chemistry take center stage.

Imagine you’re settling down to peruse some profiles. Heck, go ahead and actually settle down to peruse some profiles. Take a second to think about what you’ll be searching for. Attractiveness, surely, or at the very least a picture that grabs your attention. Maybe a specific interest, a favorite movie or a new hobby you’re excited about. What about searching for common dislikes? Did that make your personal list?

Chances are, probably not. Yet, it’s not uncommon to find a profile that has a litany of attributes and interests that they can’t abide. Sometimes it’s in the form of an obvious, over-the top diatribe; at others it’s more insidious, a one-off statement like “I’m not a party girl” or “I’m not a jock.” The question is, should we be on the lookout for statements like these as red flags? Should we make sure they’re omitted from our own profile?

As usual, context is everything. First, look at the general tone, whether it’s the profile of a stranger or your own work. Is the overall feel negative? Apologetic? Is the emphasis more on who the writer is not, or who they are? For example, consider: “I’m not athletic at all. I try to make it to the gym, but you know, easier said than done.” In this, the writer is clearly comparing themselves to someone more physically fit - and then they’re not meeting their own standard. One can almost imagine the raincloud that follows them already.

But a different context can make it seem much more positive: “I’m not athletic at all. I get more than enough exercise running around the city for my job, and in my spare time, I’d much rather be stretching my mind. It’s not unusual to find me holed up with a good book, or checking out a gallery opening.” In this example, the writer addresses their lack of athleticism with almost a wave of their hand. It’s used to better define what they like about themselves - their intellect and love of culture. It’s debatable whether they need to mention their athleticism at all, but at least it doesn’t bring down the tone of the overall profile.

Now, as for whether or not these should be considered red flags when you look at the profiles of others: again, pay attention to the context and tone. We’ve seen how easy it is for negative statements to slip in - but is the entire profile brimming with negativity? Catching one or two “dislikes” when you’re looking for them is one thing, but when your attention is drawn to the sheer number, or level of vehemence, it’s worth wondering what kind of person is spending so much energy on something they dislike.

And definitely keep an eye out when you write your own profile! You don’t want to slip into negativity, especially if that’s not really your personality. Besides, as we’ve established, few people seek out common disinterests, so why waste the precious space? Spend the real estate on something that will be fun to discuss in person, instead!

Have you been frustrated with the kind of men responding to your profiles, or maybe their lack of interest? Do you jump from dating site to dating site hoping things will change? Instead of dropping your online dating subscription altogether, I recommend you take a look at your profile and see what to improve.

Online daters tend to be quick with their searches through profiles and even quicker with their judgments. That means guys may pass your profile without really taking any time to read it. Does this seem unfair? Maybe. But keep in mind you are probably doing the same - and not many people want to spend valuable time reading every sentence of an online dating profile. That's why it's important to capture attention from the beginning.

Following are some common mistakes made by women when they are online dating:

Using old photos. This is a bad idea for everyone. Sure, you want more from a man than to have him judge you from your looks, but let's be honest - men are visual creatures, and if they don't believe your photo, then you've discounted yourself before you begin. Instead of using pictures from five years ago, have a friend take some now (and not with a cell phone). Use a real digital camera, and use good lighting.

Hiding your "flaws." Instead of posting a picture that hides your features or body, or describing yourself as "athletic" when really you are not, be proud of what you have! Some men like voluptuous full-figured women, and some like strong features like a pronounced nose or long neck, so whatever your perceived flaw is - it's time to embrace it. Ok Cupid found in one of their studies that men are more attracted to unique features rather than the cookie-cutter types. So embrace the real you and the right guy will, too.

The list. Sure, it's easy to provide a laundry list of what you want in a man on your profile - but is this the way to attract him? Most guys steer clear of a woman with a lot of requirements, because she screams high maintenance. Who would want to live up to that kind of challenge? Instead, pick your "must-haves" and stick to those. Brief is better.

Going negative. This is another trap we women tend to fall into. If you've had a few rough relationships, been cheated on, or been on a string of bad dates, leave your baggage at the door. There's no need to go into it in your profile with phrases like "I want a real man, not a boy" or "I can't deal with another player." Remember, this is an initial brochure about you, not a memoir about your dating history. Keep it positive, focusing on the things you do want and not all the bad things that have happened in the past or that you want to avoid.

Denial. If you're online dating, then own it. Don't say: "I never thought I'd be doing this" or "my friend signed me up" because you're dismissing all of your potential dates who are online dating. There's nothing to be embarrassed about - most single people are online dating because they want to meet people outside of the usual networks. And you do, too. Embrace it and enjoy!

Related Article: 5 Online Dating Mistakes Guys Make