Do You Ignore the Red Flags?

When you're dating, it takes a while to get to know someone. Along the way, you pick up on clues or red flags that may alert you to problems down the road. Sometimes we can be so head-over-heels for someone we choose to ignore the potential problems. Or maybe we just don't feel comfortable talking about them. Maybe he's showed signs of anger or she's shown an inability to control her impulses. Do you brush it off, assuming it's not a big deal, or do you confront the issue directly?

It's a good idea to pay attention to warning signs when you're dating. Often, your gut tells you something is wrong before you're willing to acknowledge it. For example, you may ask: Does she yell at you in public? Are you frightened by her possessiveness? Does he get angry if you don't do what he wants?

Ignoring these red flags won't make them go away. In fact, the more involved you get in the relationship the more willing you become to talk yourself out of what's going wrong. So it's best to address your concerns early on and directly.

When I was hosting speed dating, two of my clients brought this idea to my attention when they met each other at one of my events. Jill found Steve's passion about everything - from work to politics to philosophy - completely irresistible. They hit it off and started dating, but after a few weeks she noticed that his passion was more like anger. Soon Steve started directing his anger at her when she didn't want to do things that he liked or when she disagreed with him.

Jill wasn't sure how to handle this growing problem, so she decided to avoid a conversation and start dating other men. She went back to her online dating site and soon after wrote Steve a brief email to break things off. No harm no foul - after all, they'd only been dating a few weeks and weren't exclusive.

Unfortunately, Steve didn't see their relationship the same way - he assumed they were more serious. He responded by writing an angry email, accusing her of cheating, leading him on and not being able to commit. He also thought it was cowardly that she'd broken things off in an email. She was surprised by this response, and didn't know what to do.

His response was telling. Steve certainly had some anger and jealousy issues to deal with, but Jill could have handled the break-up (and the progression of the relationship) a little better simply by addressing her concerns earlier, instead of avoiding them altogether. And both parties could have avoided misunderstanding if they'd discussed their relationship intentions from the beginning. If Steve wanted exclusivity, he should have made that clear. If Jill wanted to date other men, she should have let Steve know this before she went back to her online dating site.

It's important to be honest and true to yourself when it comes to dating. If you see red flags, address them - sooner rather than later.