Advice

I sat with my friend Mia, looking through the pictures she had on her laptop, choosing the best ones for her online dating profile.

“How about this one?” I asked. It was a picture of Mia at a wedding reception. She was laughing with two other bridesmaids. She looked natural and gorgeous, and her personality shone through.

She shook her head emphatically. “Nope. I can’t crop myself out well enough.”

“Maybe you could check with the other girls and see if they mind appearing on your profile,” I suggested.

She looked at me as though I had lost my mind. “I look terrible next to them!” she said. “I might look okay in a vacuum, but put me next to prettier people and it just emphasizes everything wrong with me.”

While I think Mia was being unreasonably insecure (she’s quite pretty), I can see her perspective. An online profile is all about letting the reader learn about you. You shouldn’t have to share the spotlight with anyone else. And, of course, you shouldn’t include anyone else’s picture without their permission. If Mia’s going to feel anxious over a simple photo, there’s no reason to include it and introduce additional stress.

On the other hand, while Mia’s profile may exist somewhat in a vacuum, her life will not. You can edit and omit anyone you feel is prettier from your profile, but go out anywhere in public, or even see a movie, and there’s bound to someone more attractive. If someone is going to be distracted by another attractive person on your profile, won’t they be similarly distracted in everyday life? And if so, is that the sort of person you want to attract and date?

Because we have absolute control over our online profiles - over the first impression we present - it can be tempting to attempt to exert such control over every other aspect of our lives. However, it’s a luxury we simply don’t have. As you write your profile, remember that you’re trying to find someone compatible with you in the real world - not the one you’ve constructed online.

If you're single, you probably have an idea in your head of the type of person you want to date. Maybe he's tall, or owns his own business, or enjoys biking and the outdoors, or likes to travel.

Since you've joined an online dating site however, you seem to be getting matched up with all the wrong types - or at least, people who don't seem to have the same interests or background as you do. They don't meet your requirements. If you are career-focused and want a successful man, perhaps you are matched with men who don't have a college education or who hold blue-collar jobs. Or maybe you love to travel but the people you get matched with haven't been outside the U.S.

Sure, it might be frustrating. Maybe you have no faith in the matching process. But to totally ignore the matches who aren't your "type" is a mistake.

While no matching technology is perfect, they don't focus primarily on what someone looks like or what they do for a living. They use a combination of factors that might lead to compatibility. It brings you outside your comfort zone to try dating people who aren't necessarily your type. And that's a good thing.

Sometimes interests that people share can be vague or misleading. Maybe a "love of travel" to one person means going to Vegas a few times a year, while to another it means a hiking trek in Southeast Asia.

When it comes to love, there are no rules to ensure compatibility and success. Love and attraction are intangibles, and often found in the most unlikely subjects. What if you won't date any guy under six feet, but the person who you would find most attractive is actually five foot six? What if the smartest man you'd meet started his own business but never finished college?

This point hit home the other night while I was watching the movie Think Like a Man. One of the female characters refused to date anyone who wasn't as successful as she was (she was head of a large media company). But she met a man who was between jobs, trying to become a chef, and ended up putting her expectations aside for a chance at real love.

Having expectations for your relationship is important. After all, you want to be respected and treated well. But having expectations for the "type" of man you wish to fall in love with isn't helpful. So maybe it's time to drop those visions of the "perfect" man, and start with meeting your matches, even if they seem incompatible. Keep an open mind. Because you never know when love will strike.

Do you get nervous on first dates? You're not alone. Most people aren't sure who exactly they're going to meet, what they'll have to talk about, or whether the date will be fun or horrible.

Of course, nobody can predict these things - dating involves risk-taking. We put ourselves out there without knowing what will happen, which takes courage, but is also a necessary part of the process of meeting potential love interests. We will have good dates and bad dates. Some will lead to relationships and others won't. So all the worry and analysis surrounding dating is counter-productive. As with everything in life, if it doesn't work out, keep moving forward.

Following are some tips to help ease your anxiety before a date:

It's just a date. Many people get wound up in all of the rules and advice thrown at them about dating and relationships. Maybe you've been told to not be so clingy or available. Or maybe you've been told to ask more questions instead of doing all the talking. Whatever the case, let go of all of the things you're "supposed" to do, and try to have a little fun. It's one night. It's just a date. So take a breath and let it happen.

Go someplace you like. There's no rule that says you have to meet someone for the first time at a coffee shop. If you want to get a hike or roller blading session in, then suggest it! Active dates often make it easier to have a conversation. And when you're doing something you want to do anyway, you'll have a better time no matter who you meet.

Stay positive. Sometimes we tend to talk ourselves out of things. Do you find your mind wandering on dates - asking yourself if he really likes you, if you look good, or what you should be saying or doing instead? Stop with all the questioning, self-criticism and negative chatter. People are attracted to all different types, so don't try to guess what your date wants, likes or needs. Instead, focus on the conversation and stay positive in who you are and what you want in a relationship. Often, what we want comes in a package we don't expect.

Keep an open mind. Do your friends try to talk you out of dating a certain kind of guy? Do you date only your "type" anyway? Then maybe it's time to take their advice and go outside your comfort zone. (Dating those same old types hasn't worked so far, has it?) Think about how you want to feel in a relationship instead of all the credentials your man must possess. A good income doesn't mean anything if he loses his job. And a tall man doesn't mean much when he treats you badly. Concentrate on how you want a relationship to make you feel, and then take it from there.

It's one thing to wear revealing clothes on a date, but another to think that the color of your outfit could send men signals about your openness to sexual advances.

According to research published by Andrew Elliot from the University of Rochester, when a woman wears red, she sends out a clear signal she's more interested in sex than if she wears a neutral tone.

In a report by Dating Advice, the study involved a group of men, half of whom were shown pictures of a woman wearing a white shirt, and the other half, the same woman wearing a red shirt. The men who saw the woman in the red shirt said she was more interested in sex than the men who saw the woman in the white shirt.

But it's not just about color vs. a neutral shade like white. When male participants were shown a woman in a green shirt, she was considered less attractive and less interested in sex than the same woman shown in a red shirt.

According to Dating Advice, "Elliot links the color red to sexual receptivity in mammals. He explains the color red has a biological basis in sexual receptivity, ranging from blushing cheeks to swollen lips."

He further tested the participants to conclude that men were most interested in the women they found to be openly receptive to sexual advances over women who were seen as good looking.

So does wearing the color red on dates make you a more desirable love interest than wearing black or gray? According to this study, yes. But does this mean red should be required for successful dating? No.

I'm a firm believer that the most successful daters are the ones most comfortable in their own skin. If you have a certain style that you enjoy that doesn't include the color red, own it! In my experience, many men are attracted to confident women. Which means you should dress according to what looks best on you, trends and color aside.

My advice: dress for a date in something that feels comfortable to you. (I don't mean sweats and a t-shirt though! Both men and women should dress up for the occasion to make a good impression-especially on a first date.)

Also, there's no shame on enlisting a friend to help you dress for your next date. Sometimes it's a good idea to get out of our own heads about what may or may not look good on us, and try something new.

So try your own style, and have fun!

I've never been a huge fan of Valentine's Day. After all, it's commercially inspired, and a little bit exclusive, since it's only for people who seem to be coupled up. Besides, who wants to see the girl in the cubicle next to you at work get a big bouquet of flowers delivered when you're single and searching?

While some might enjoy all the chocolate and expensive dinner reservations, a fair amount of singles don't look forward to Valentine's Day. But instead of complaining about it or avoiding it altogether, why not try some of these inspired Valentine's Day ideas?

Check out the local listings. While you might not want to get all romantic, maybe you wouldn't mind a little flirting. Many bars and clubs offer parties on Valentine's Day, so if you're single, grab a friend, get dressed up, and meet a few other singles. If you're feeling adventurous, check online dating and speed dating sites to see if they are hosting any singles events.

Throw a party. This is for my single female friends. Some of my favorite Valentine's Days included inviting a bunch of my friends over for a great meal (either ordered in or one that I enjoyed cooking) or to gorge ourselves on chocolate, cupcakes, or salty treats while watching chick flicks or stand-up comedy. The point being - celebrate your awesome friends on Valentine's Day---it's about the love in your life, romantic or otherwise!

Send a card. Has a friend, aunt, or parent always been there for you when you needed them? Valentine's Day is a good time to let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Send a card expressing your love - you'll feel good and you will make their day.

Get away. Valentine's Day falls on a Thursday this year. Why not grab a couple of friends and make a long weekend out of it? Get out of town and see something new - whether you're into skiing, hiking, Vegas casinos, whatever. Cash in those bonus miles for a plane ticket or gas up the car and go have fun.

Make it a you-celebration. Not into hanging out with other people? That's okay, too. You can make Valentine's Day a celebration of you. The best way to bring love into your life is to create it yourself, so show yourself some love. Head to the spa and get a massage, or order in from your favorite restaurant and curl up with a good book. Or if you're feeling a bit of cabin fever, why not take the day off and take a drive in the country or up the coast, or go for a hike or bike ride? There are plenty of options - the point is to do something that feels good to you, and reminds you of what you love that you already have in your life.

If you’ve ever owned a pet, you might have had this experience: you wake up from a sound sleep to find a furry face just inches from your own. Your pet is staring at you, expectantly, maybe creepily. There’s animal breath on your face. Whether they’re hungry or need to go out, they can’t wait for you to wake up and get the party started.

Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to become that pet when we’re out on a first date. We’ve been waiting for a new relationship, we’re excited to start one, and we’re caught up in the possibilities; can the party start already? And as you might imagine, our dates are probably as thrilled as we are to see that furry face staring us down in the morning.

It can be difficult to quell that excitement and impatience, but keeping these few points in mind just might help do the trick. First and foremost, consider: The party has already started.

Sure, it might not seem like it at the moment, but no point in life is all happily ever after, all the time. In the meantime, your journey has begun. You’re taking charge of your love life by being proactive, making a profile, meeting new people and maybe even stepping outside your personal box. Whether you find what you’re looking for tomorrow or later, you’re already in the early chapters of your story.

As such, remember this second point: You’ll miss out on the ‘now’ if you’re fixated on the ‘later.’ When you’re caught up in dreaming of the future, it’s easy to space out on the present, and that’s a pretty good way to ensure you’ll only keep dreaming. Try to stay mentally present, especially when you’re communicating with other people. They may be the twentieth person you’ve contacted - but they might also be a great match, and these are the first conversations you’re sharing. Don’t phone it in.

Staying focused on the present will both aid in enjoying these chapters of your journey, and help lose the anticipating-pet mode. Remember: the party’s already started - so start enjoying it.