Advice

While, on the whole, the stigma associated with online dating is fading away, there’s one misconception that continues to persist. I was reminded of this the other day, when an acquaintance and critic said, “Online dating takes all the romance and magic out of dating, and reduces it to cold hard statistics.”

I wholeheartedly disagree with her statement, but it’s also indicative of a more general concept that some get when they think of online dating: a computer unfeelingly matching up people. Perhaps two people actually hooked up to some machine, a strainer on their heads, as all of their thoughts and emotions pass through wires first.

Perhaps the name itself is misleading. It can’t hurt to remind people: online dating very rarely includes falling in love through the computer. The vast majority of couples that get together after having used online dating fell in love “the old-fashioned way”: they met in person, had a spark, got to know one another and their chemistry deepened.

The main purpose of most online dating websites is not to provide a space to literally date online; it’s to facilitate an in-person date between two people who might not otherwise have found each other. There are many additional benefits to online dating - the ability to create a good first impression through the profile, or the ability to keep an unorthodox schedule and still search for potential matches - but the main purpose is to get to that first in-person meeting, that first date.

After that in-person meeting, it’s a tale as old as time. Sure, some relationships form after years of knowing one another and developing a friendship, but most are on a much faster track. Whether you meet in a bar, in the grocery store, on a blind date, or through an online dating site, the chemistry and conversation will be much the same.

Though scientists still seek to quantify what chemistry precisely is, at this point it’s almost just as mysterious and magical as it’s ever been. However, with online dating, at least you’re walking into those first dates with a reasonable chance of compatibility. Cold and unfeeling? Sounds like the very opposite to me.

Once a man complained to me about the “slowness” of the online dating scene. “First you email for who knows how long, and then you talk on the phone for forever, and then you finally meet in person, but you’re held at arm’s length for weeks after that,” he said. “How am I supposed to tell if there’s any chemistry when I feel like I’ve had to endure a five-step application process?”

Many might be able to empathize with his plight; on the other hand, someone said this to me the other day: “I always thought online dating was for finding true love or something. I didn’t realize people also used it for hookups. I saw more profiles for people looking for something different, like a one-night stand, than I did for someone looking for a traditional date!”

It just goes to show that everyone’s dating experience is different, based on their area and perhaps what they’re searching for. And, lest we forget, everyone has their own comfort zone and pace, as well. For some, online dating is the perfect way to “dip their toe in the dating pool” after a hard ending to their last relationship, and they prefer to take things slowly. Some begin over-worried about their personal safety and online dating in particular, but learn to listen to their personal alert system after a time, and relax. Still others try to move into the “dating in person” phase as quickly as possible, because that’s where they excel. There are no hard “rules” when it comes to online dating, any more than there are for dating in general.

However, if you’re consistently feeling impatient or rushed, it might be time to evaluate what you’re looking for, and whether you’re looking in the right places. If it feels like you’re truly out of step with most people, that’s not a bad thing, but it might help to clearly state that in your profile. For example, if you’re looking to move slowly, or if you’re specifically not looking for something long-term, there’s nothing wrong with saying that straightaway. Doing custom searches for something similar can’t hurt, either.

Remember, a couple who is honest and communicative will find their own pace and their own rhythm. Not everything will always go to plan, but if you’re open and honest about your intentions at the outset, it will be that much easier to work together and modify the game plan later if need be. So as you begin your online dating adventure, don’t think you have to conform to a set of rules; just be confident and honest about your own set.

Jodi Foster spoke about privacy recently at The Golden Globe Awards. She's been notoriously private when it comes to celebrity culture, and she had a lot to say about reality TV and the dream to become "famous." That it's not truthful, and doesn't serve the people being exploited. She wistfully remarked how in the future, we'll look back on the days when we didn't know everything about everyone and wish for that kind of privacy again.

Her remarks rang true with me, even coming from a celebrity. With social media, we are tempted to post our every thought, opinion, and activity. We want to be noticed. Even when we stop by Starbucks for a coffee, we feel the need to check in, to make sure people are paying attention. To make sure we're not missing out on anything.

This kind of sharing is becoming more commonplace, to the point where I think people don't have many boundaries when it comes to letting others know where they stand (literally and figuratively). We crave attention, especially digitally, when we're feeling less and less connected to others in the real world. We want to be understood.

This kind of thinking has meant that conversations and arguments show up online. Facebook can become a feeding ground for people who are feeling shunned, isolated, angry or upset - a place to post their rants and get some response. Comments make us feel validated, no?

If you have a fight with your boyfriend, do you tend to post the details over Facebook and let your friends weigh in? Do you want your boyfriend to hear your argument, to see where you're coming from? This kind of sharing won't get you the result you're hoping for. It's like screaming from the top of your lungs rather than engaging in thoughtful, respectful conversation.

Maybe it seems harmless in the moment - funny, even. Maybe you think your significant other would understand if you share with your Facebook friends about one of his awful habits, or something he said to you that made you angry. Maybe it seems cathartic, helpful. But sharing your personal issues with your SO over a public forum like Facebook isn't helpful. It only further aggravates your situation.

If you have an issue, it's best to talk it over face to face. There's no need to engage Facebook friends and have them take sides or offer advice. This is between you and your SO. Talking over these issues and coming to a mutual understanding is part of the growing process of any relationship. So give the process a chance. Your relationship deserves some privacy.

If you've read any of the major publications recently (The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic), you might think that dating is an antiquated activity - something you just don't do in 2013. Men are now texting women late at night to "hang out" or "tag along with their buddies" to some activity or another. There's no dinner, no one-on-one face time at a normal hour. There's no such thing as a "date" anymore, in the traditional sense. And single people just have to accept that this is how it is.

The reason cited? A couple of things - one, our bad habit of texting when it comes to asking people out - it takes far less courage than talking face to face or calling someone on the phone for a date. Texting is a low commitment, low rejection way to operate. Also, the sheer amount of people online dating has thrown a wrench into the dating process, contributing to the decline of courting, according to these articles. It's made the possibility of finding someone better a constant, so why try so hard to impress just one person? When there are a seemingly infinite number of single men and women signing up for online dating all the time, it's hard to commit.

I take issue with these broad statements. After all, behavior isn't driven by technology. If you tend to be shy or avoid rejection, then it's going to be easier to text and be casual about asking someone out, especially if you're in your twenties as opposed to your forties. When you're younger, chances are you're not thinking about marriage and commitment. That hasn't changed because of technology. It's just made hooking up a little easier.

Online dating has broken down barriers so that people who don't run in the same social circles can meet each other. Yes, there is a lot more choice now when it comes to dating. You can meet far more people than you could even ten or fifteen years ago. Some single people might think to themselves that someone better is always just a profile away. But is that a realistic view? If you've online dated for any length of time, you'd know it isn't. Dating so many people can also make you weary.

I believe many men and women who are online dating are looking for a relationship, a partner, especially if they're above the age of 30. I also believe that more choice doesn't mean that more people would rather do online dating indefinitely than find someone special. I think your behavior is driven by your motivations. If you want to hook up, then you will - and if you want to find a real relationship, then you will. Online dating won't change behavior. It's just technology.

The following conversation is one that happens more frequently than it should:

I’m having a conversation with Rhoda, and the subject of online dating comes up. She wrinkles her nose. “Ugh, I can’t stand online dating. I tried it once and it was terrible; no one looked like their picture and I couldn’t find anyone I was interested in.”

I asked when this had happened. “Hmm, it must have been... probably 2001.”

Take a moment and think back to 2001. It was over ten years ago. You might have still been on a dial-up connection. Pages were optimized to minimize images, because they tended to bog everything down. Looking at profiles probably took forever compared to today’s speeds.

Of course, there were likely fewer profiles to peruse back then. In general, people were more unsure about online dating as a viable addition or alternative to what they were already doing. The average person was also probably less Internet-savvy, in terms of culture, how to express themselves through writing, typing speed, and more. You could pull up an Internet search of your date’s name, but you weren’t likely to find much of anything.

In short, the online dating world was a different place just ten years ago. This isn’t really surprising, given that technology in general has moved in leaps and bounds in the last few decades; still, it’s easy to forget.

The dating world has moved forward. We tend not to have chaperoned dates on the front porch anymore, and we also have alternatives to meeting someone in a crowded, dimly-lit corner bar. Our dating pool has moved out of our small town, and sometimes even out of our state or country. And because we’re even more aware that the world is a mix of good and bad, we balance our romantic optimism with a dash of street smarts.

So next time you chat with someone who once tried online dating, take it with a grain of salt. Online dating is a personally customized experience to begin with (someone who is active about contacting others might not get the same results as someone who isn’t) even today. But when you start talking about something that is a decade or more in the past, you’re truly talking about a different world.

I sat with my friend Mia, looking through the pictures she had on her laptop, choosing the best ones for her online dating profile.

“How about this one?” I asked. It was a picture of Mia at a wedding reception. She was laughing with two other bridesmaids. She looked natural and gorgeous, and her personality shone through.

She shook her head emphatically. “Nope. I can’t crop myself out well enough.”

“Maybe you could check with the other girls and see if they mind appearing on your profile,” I suggested.

She looked at me as though I had lost my mind. “I look terrible next to them!” she said. “I might look okay in a vacuum, but put me next to prettier people and it just emphasizes everything wrong with me.”

While I think Mia was being unreasonably insecure (she’s quite pretty), I can see her perspective. An online profile is all about letting the reader learn about you. You shouldn’t have to share the spotlight with anyone else. And, of course, you shouldn’t include anyone else’s picture without their permission. If Mia’s going to feel anxious over a simple photo, there’s no reason to include it and introduce additional stress.

On the other hand, while Mia’s profile may exist somewhat in a vacuum, her life will not. You can edit and omit anyone you feel is prettier from your profile, but go out anywhere in public, or even see a movie, and there’s bound to someone more attractive. If someone is going to be distracted by another attractive person on your profile, won’t they be similarly distracted in everyday life? And if so, is that the sort of person you want to attract and date?

Because we have absolute control over our online profiles - over the first impression we present - it can be tempting to attempt to exert such control over every other aspect of our lives. However, it’s a luxury we simply don’t have. As you write your profile, remember that you’re trying to find someone compatible with you in the real world - not the one you’ve constructed online.