Advice

“I don’t know about getting back into online dating,” Jennifer, newly single, said. “I tried it once and it was a disaster. The one guy who seemed interesting and replied to me turned out to be a complete jerk in person.”

Curious, I asked her when this debacle occurred.

“Hmm, I guess it was awhile ago,” she said. “Maybe 2005? 2006? Huh, a little less recent than I thought.”

The world may not have been the Dark Ages a mere seven or eight years ago, but the truth is that the online dating world has changed since then - and for the better.

For one thing, the stigma surrounding the idea of online dating has receded. It’s not considered a “last resort”; in fact, it’s often the first place people turn when they’re looking to dip their toe back into the dating pool. Online dating sites have always been a great option for those with strange work schedules, diminished social networks or a little bit of shyness; they still are, but now they’re home to everyone else, too. With these greater numbers comes even more possibilities.

Everyone has heard a story about a date that revealed a deception or two: that the person didn’t look like their picture, or their intentions or personality were different from how they’d been online. To be sure, there are still those who are less than truthful online today, but the world is also a wiser place. There are no shortage of safety tips for meeting someone new for the first time, and most people are on the lookout for basic red flags. Many dates might still fudge a bit on their height or weight, but the majority don’t take it further than that - and if they did, they now have less of a chance of getting away with it.

There’s no guarantee that if Jennifer tries out online dating today, she’ll find success. However, she might find that the online dating scene looks far more promising than it did all those years ago. If, like Jennifer, you’re contemplating getting back into the online dating scene, ask yourself: are your expectations out-of-date?

Meeting someone is only half the battle.

The story doesn't end when you find the magic profile that catches your eye. And let's be honest, the next part is just as confusing - if not more confusing - than the first part. A whole new set of questions arises the moment you decide to get more serious.

Should you have sex before marriage? Will your friends and family like your partner? Do their opinions even matter? And what makes a relationship last?

The State Of Dating In America report from ChristianMingle and JDate has the answers.

When asked "Would you have sex before marriage?"...

• More than half of all singles say they would have sex before marriage without conditions.
• Men are more likely to say they're comfortable with it.
• Only 15% of singles say they would not have sex at all before marriage.
• Younger singles are more likely to feel they need to be in love in order to have sex before marriage.
• Singles in the 35- to 44-year-old range are least likely to feel that commitment is a prerequisite to sex.

The responses to "How much influence do the following individuals have on whom you date?" reveal that...

• "Friends" and "Mother" are the most popular dating consultants for singles.
• "Father" and "Siblings" are the next most popular.
• "Pets" have a greater influence than "Other family!"
• Men tend to turn to their mothers first, then their friends. Women tend to turn to their friends first, then their mothers.
• Singles ages 18-34 are far more likely to let immediate family and friends influence who they date.

And when it comes to marriage...

• Mothers have the greatest influence on who 18- to 24-year-olds will marry, followed by fathers and friends.
• Overall, singles ages 45-59 are least likely to let outside forces influence who they will marry.

Believe it or not, there are no significant differences between men and women when it comes to the most important factors in a lasting commitment. Both agree that the keys to a successful relationship are:

• Partner's family treats me well (92%)
• Similar views on pets (89%)
• Likes same activities (85%)
• Similar political views (84%)
• Similar views on smoking (84%)
• Similar social habits (82%)
• Same race/ethnicity (79%)
• Same level of cleanliness (78%)
• Same level of physical activity (74%)
• Good sexual chemistry (72%)

Would anyone have guessed that pets have a greater influence over long-term relationships than good sex?!

Online dating is an easy way to get excited about dating again: just look at all the prospects! All the possibilities! Anything can happen! On the other hand, we’re told not to get too attached: many first-contact emails never get a response, or receive a negative one. Be read to fall in love! But not so much that you get your heart broken unnecessarily. It can be a tough balance to strike, so what are some guidelines?

You don’t really need a thick rulebook to navigate these waters. Instead ask yourself one simple question: online or in-person? If the answer is online, maintain your emotional distance. If you’re in-person, it might be time to open yourself up to the possibilities.

For example: you come across a profile that really piques your interest. This person seems clever, compassionate, interesting - and they’re attractive, too! Sure, you’ve emailed other people, but you’re really waiting to hear back from this person, because you really think you might have something!

Wait, take a breath, and ask yourself: online or in-person? So far, your only opinion is based on something you’ve read online. You don’t even know if they’re the one who wrote it, or if you’ll actually click in person. Don’t get emotionally invested just yet.

In another instance, you began a first date a little apprehensive and shy, but soon you were chatting like you’d known each other for years. Your date seemed to be having just as much fun as you were. There did seem to be a little spark of chemistry. But wait - are you falling too fast? Should you make yourself focus on more profiles until you see how this plays out?

Ask the question: online or in-person? You’ve now determined that you have some sort of connection in person, and a first date has gone well, from your perspective. So first, find out if your date is on the same page. If they are, and want to get together again, now isn’t really the time to hedge your bets or divide your mental attention. At this point, let your heart lead.

It may seem overly simple, but when it comes to online dating, many emotional pickles can be navigated by asking yourself that one question. Remember, the online site is just to allow you to set up a meeting; it’s not generally where you fall in love. But once you’ve forged a connection in person, there’s no reason to think about percentages and numbers; regardless what the eventual conclusion may be, it’s time to get out of your own head and enjoy the whirlwind of a new romance.

One of the most well-known features of online dating websites is the ability to find someone with a common interest - so when you join a site and still can’t find someone who shares your passion, it can be particularly frustrating. Still, that doesn’t mean there’s not someone compatible out there - even someone who might appreciate what you do! The key is to think a little outside the box.

First, try thinking of interests that are complementary. For example, maybe you’re a zombie makeup artist on the weekends. That’s pretty darn specific, but someone who designs and sews their own movie replica costumes to wear to conventions might appreciate the art. Or maybe try emailing the aspiring actor who enjoys participating in weekend zombie walks. Even if you don’t fit into the same exact niche, you’ll likely have much to talk about.

Sometimes you have to think even more broadly. As another example, perhaps you’re a stamp collector, and there just aren’t that many stamp collectors in your neck of the woods. There might not even be that many people who collect anything similar. But someone interested in history or archaeology might appreciate the questing involved. Someone who makes model sets or jewelry might appreciate the attention to detail. At first glance your interests might not seem compatible at all, but that doesn’t mean they don’t require similar personalities.

Because remember: just because you don’t share the same exact interests doesn’t mean you can’t get along like a house on fire. Often just the fact that you’re passionate about something, that something lights you up and relaxes you, can be attractive. Most people would rather hear about something you love than something you dislike or don’t care about. And remember that your date will have their own set of interests, too; learning more about each other and what you each love can be more fascinating than simply comparing notes on a common interest.

Yes, it’s good to have something to talk about; however that doesn’t mean that you have to share all the same interests, or even the same opinions. Even if you feel defined by a certain hobby, that doesn’t mean that’s the only way you can relate to someone else. It can be frustrating when your searches don’t turn up with much - but you just might find yourself connecting with someone on a new, deeper level.

Everyone wants to make a great first impression with their online dating profile. Before you’ve even met in person, you’re letting the reader see some of your strengths. The impression they get from your profile will possibly influence their real first impression when you meet in person. However, there’s one important point to remember: you’re playing up your strengths, not writing out-and-out fiction.

Imagine you come across a profile of someone who should probably be called Susie Sunshine. Even though they aren’t the most successful, their confidence and positive attitude shine through. That’s really what stands out to you.

Then you meet in person, and it turns out Susie Sunshine is anything but. Far from the confident, positive outlook in the profile, she’s cynical, sarcastic and downright negative at times. She didn’t lie about any of the facts in her life, but she was able to spin them better on paper than she’s evidently able to see them herself. How does that make you feel?

Chances are, you walk away with a more negative opinion than you would have had if you’d met her without any preconceived notions. Even though there were no direct lies, the entire thing feels a little dishonest. Maybe she wasn’t really all that negative, objectively, but the contrast to the profile makes the difference stand out all the more.

So as you write your own online profile, make sure the “voice” isn’t something that’s completely different from who you are. More well-spoken? Sure thing - you’ve had time to edit and proofread, after all. Perhaps the “you” on a good day rather than one where you’re feeling down? Absolutely. Just like a date where you make sure your hair is combed and you’re dressed nicely, a profile is a polished version of you. But there’s the key word - it’s polished, but it’s still you. Would you be recognizable in person?

The scenario: you've been dating your boyfriend for a few months and things are going pretty well. You're really attracted to him and both of you have a lot of fun together. But as you continue to date, the differences between you are becoming more noticeable, and also more frustrating to both of you.

Maybe he's very conservative or religious and you consider yourself a free spirit who likes to shake things up. Does he insist you come to church or temple with him, even though you prefer to spend your weekend mornings hiking? Or perhaps you're very organized and ambitious while he would rather sit on the couch and play his Xbox all weekend. Do you nag him to do something productive, like help you plant a garden or write that screenplay he keeps talking about doing in his spare time? Do you find yourself getting increasingly annoyed and disappointed in your differences?

Everyone has a different approach to life - some like to roll with the tide and don't make a lot of plans, preferring spontaneity to structure. Others are ambitious or driven and spend a lot of time working or doing projects in their spare time to achieve their goals. Some are active and outdoor enthusiasts while others enjoy a five star hotel with a spa.

It's only natural that you and your significant other will run into issues when you don't see eye to eye. But that doesn't mean your relationship is headed for disaster. It simply means that you must communicate what you're feeling and try to come to a compromise that works for both of you.

For example, if you spend most of your weekend working or keeping yourself busy while your boyfriend is playing video games, maybe it's time to stop and reassess how you are spending your time. Life requires some balance. And while you are happier when you're productive, maybe you can spend some time relaxing in front of the television, too. When you take small steps towards compromise then your partner is more willing to take those same steps in your direction.

And if there's no hope for meeting in the middle? Maybe you both can allot time for the other to pursue what is most important. For instance, if your boyfriend is religious and wants to go to services every week, allow him to be more active in the church on his own. Or if you love hiking make plans to go with your friends who love it as well, instead of forcing your boyfriend to go when he'd rather play tennis. It's good to have your own activities and friendships around those activities, separate from your significant other. It helps your relationship to grow.

Just because you aren't compatible in some ways doesn't mean your relationship won't work. Just remember the most important thing you both can do for each other: communicate.