Advice

Falling in love is portrayed as many things: sudden, impetuous, unexpected, serendipitous. A roller coaster of emotion. These are the things we expect, based on stories we’ve heard, books we’ve read and movies we’ve seen. As such, sometimes people are hesitant to try online dating because they feel it might be the opposite - or when they do decide to sign up, some do it in the most spur-of-the-moment, impetuous way possible. Editing? Doing research? That all sounds like homework, some might say.

Maybe, in a way, it is. But here’s why you don’t need to worry about losing the spark of spontaneity if you decide to try online dating: because the falling in love doesn’t happen through a profile. And just as you might research a venue before a first date, or review a movie to ensure it’s not inappropriate for budding love, doing your online dating homework can help ensure a smoother path for your emotional roller coaster.

For example, some people might just choose an online dating site at random. While that’s not always bad, and sometimes you’ll find duplicate profiles across sites anyway, checking out a few other sites certainly never hurts. You might find that the people in your area tend to favor one site over another, or that the profiles present information in a way you find more intuitive or inspiring. Perhaps people with your niche interests all seem to congregate at one particular site. Feeling comfortable with a site can make or break the experience for some. You don’t have to feel like you need to belong to every site out there, but it doesn’t hurt to make sure you’re as comfortable as you could be.

When you start browsing sites, chances are you’ll be reading profiles. After just a handful of them, you’ll probably start to notice patterns or cliches. Maybe you’ll notice a profile that stands out as “different” or particularly appealing. Channel your inner student and take notes! So many people later feel their first draft was so generic; why not skip over that step and figure out how to set yourself apart a little sooner? Also, don’t forget to maintain your profile over time - just because that movie reference felt right six months ago doesn’t necessarily mean it does now. Editing and maintenance might seem like a chore, but it’s a worthy one.

Remember, the point of a profile is find new people to meet than you otherwise wouldn’t have. And, ultimately, the “how-you-met” part isn’t really the most exciting part of the story. It’s a jumping-off point, but it only gains importance because of what came later: the butterflies, the ups and downs, the real story. Doing your homework might not seem particularly spontaneous, but it only helps you find that person more easily.

Everything is moving more mobile these days, but mobile dating is still plagued by one big problem: it's hookup central.

Location-based dating is clearly designed to lead to a meeting, but with that comes a swarm of users who aren't looking for anything more than a quick fling. On a Web-based dating site, users are searching for a totally different experience, one based on meeting vetted, strictly filtered dates that they get to know on the site before arranging future plans to meet in person.

The challenge that now faces the dating industry is to blend the immediacy of mobile with the success of online dating. "There's no effective app for hetero hookups," says Sam Yagan, one of OkCupid's four founders, in an article on Forbes.com. "Grindr is very popular in the gay space for males. But there isn't really a Grindr for straight people."

Still, Yagan thinks there's a future for mobile dating. He thinks the next incarnation of mobile dating will mean using a variety of dating apps: "One may be a I-just-want-to-have-a-beer-with-somebody-new-tonight app. Or I-want-to-look-for-Mr.-Right. Or I-want-to-look-for-Mr.-Right-right-now."

Another possibility for the future of mobile is the social graph. Tinder, a bright new star on the mobile dating scene, is breaking new ground for social dating. Tinder users sign in using their Facebook accounts and indicate their interest in a potential date by swiping to the left or right of their screen. With the recently introduced Matchmaker feature, users can now make introductions between any of their Facebook friends, whether or not they're already using the app.

Sean Rad, co-founder and CEO of Tinder, argues that what's important isn't the future of online dating - it's the future of dating in general. As people - especially young people - become more accustomed to interfacing with the world through their phones, dating will need to evolve into a new experience.

Rad thinks the key will be to move in the opposite direction of online dating. Once upon a time online dating was hailed for offering access to a significantly wider pool of potential dates than traditional dating. But the downside to that, Rad explains, is that online daters also end up experiencing a great deal more rejection.

Rad sees the future of dating as something very different. A smaller pool may solve some of the problems, but the rest is up to you. "Science can only go so far," he says. "You are the best arbiter." Mobile has a place in that future, and perhaps that place is righting the wrongs that online dating has created.

No matter how efficient your online dating site is, dating can still be frustrating. Because dating is so complex and involves so many different disciplines, it can be unclear where to turn to improve. Does the problem lie with the dating site? The pool of possible matches? Society at large? Or is it all just a bit of bad luck? The difficult part is that it could genuinely be all or any of those possibilities - or none of the above.

However, when it comes to troubleshooting your online dating experience, the best place to start is with yourself. No, that doesn’t mean a session in which you beat yourself up; the truth is that we’re often our own worst enemy, and a little bit of self-examination is the most convenient, cheapest, and likely to yield results.

One issue that almost everyone has to some degree is a problem with self-confidence, so start there. For example, it’s not uncommon to find that even though a profile shows common interests, many of us have a tendency to worry that we’re “not at the same level” as our date. Sure, we may like all the same books, but we don’t feel smart enough. Or perhaps we’re worried that we come from different backgrounds, or that we aren’t on the same financial level. Or maybe it’s that we don’t feel attractive enough.

It’s a problem that sounds simple enough, and it’s so incredibly common - and yet, it’s insidious and damaging. If you walk into a date feeling like you have to pass a test or that you’re waiting to be exposed as a sham, you’re not going to be relaxed. It’s possible your entire demeanor will be different. Your date isn’t going to get to know you at your best. In essence, you’re shooting yourself in the foot - and probably all over a problem that doesn’t actually exist.

Only you can raise your level of confidence, but a good place to start is just to be aware that you don’t deserve this self-criticism. You’re not applying for a job; you’re testing out your mutual compatibility. If you’re in the hot seat, so is your date! Similarly, it’s not a competition - you’re not out to prove that you’re smart enough or smarter, or more attractive than anyone else. When two people choose to be in a relationship, it’s not because they’ve just won beauty pageants - there are certainly more attractive people in the world. Instead, they commit to each other because they want to. How will someone get to know and love you if you’re walking on eggshells?

Starting with confidence might seem like it’s too obvious, but it’s a bit like the first steps in any troubleshooting process - even if you know better, it’s still possible to miss something that makes a big difference when it’s fixed. Even just being aware of your confidence levels, or “faking” it, can make an appreciable difference. So instead of checking to make sure your computer’s plugged in, ask yourself: am I being as positive about myself as I deserve?

Imagine this: you’ve been at work later than usual and at the end of an interminable day, you stagger over to your computer to check whether you have any online dating site messages. To your delight, you do - and it’s not just one, it’s over a dozen! But wait - a second look reveals that all of the messages were sent from the same person. What’s going on? Is this a glitch?

The first one seems innocuous enough - your standard first-contact email. You haven’t looked at the profile of the author yet, but there’s nothing in the email that would deter you from doing so. Curious, you move on to the next message.

“Oh my gosh!” it says. “I completely made a typo back there! You must have thought I’m such a dunce! I hope this doesn’t harm my chances of getting a reply...” You hadn’t actually noticed a typo, so you turn back to the first message. Ah yes, there it was - your brain filled in the proper spelling and you hadn’t even seen it. Still, nice of them to clarify. You jump ahead to the third message.

“...Look, it was just one tiny typo. I can’t believe you’re giving me the silent treatment because I haven’t passed your silly arbitrary test...”

And the next: “You’re not perfect either, you know. On your profile you use a comma when you clearly should have used a semicolon. Jeez, passed junior high English much?...”

The messages continue along this vein, becoming increasingly agitated, aggressive and even abusive. If you were interested in checking out this profile before, you certainly aren’t now. So what can we learn from this series of unfortunate messages?

First, once you’ve sent a first-contact email, it’s best to wait for a response before you send another one. Really, that’s fair advice for all emails. Sure, exceptions can be made for people with whom you have established relationships - maybe you haven’t heard from a friend in awhile and you’re verifying they’re all right - but for people you don’t know very well, it’s best to just let it lie.

Second, remember to do your proofreading before you send the message, not after. Sending a follow-up or a correction might be acceptable in blatant or offensive cases, like an embarrassing autocorrect or if you mangled the numbers in an address. For a simple and obvious letter swap, just let it lie. Typos happen to the best of us, and one tiny mistake won’t make or break your chances (if the mistake is even noticed!).

Finally, relax and walk away from the computer. Remember that you have no clue when your message will be read, or if the person will have time to respond or check out your profile when they do first read it. Don’t read too much into a prolonged silence. Even the worst-case scenario, where the potential match never responds, is less stressful and embarrassing than going on a twelve-message rant for no reason - and once you’ve crossed that line, your chances are shot anyway. Once you’ve sent the message, it’s out in the ether; don’t sabotage yourself by over-thinking and overcorrecting.

Most people know that while online dating is a great way to meet people you might otherwise never have encountered, it’s really a place to set up the real test: meeting in person. However, that often doesn’t stop us from trying to “milk” the online setup, as it were. After all, we might reason, we’ve put all this time and effort into our profiles! We’ve enjoyed reading the profile of our potential match! The first email is going well! Why potentially ruin things and meet in person right away? Why not keep things going?

Tempting as it may be, on that path lies only the potential for awkwardness and disappointment. Let’s consider a few basic scenarios: Steve enjoys Sally’s profile, and vice versa. Their first few emails have been fun and witty. What might happen if they prolong their first meeting a little?

If they’re truly compatible, they’ll still have that spark in person when they finally meet. However, now it might be a little awkward; they’ve only just met, but they’ve also been baring their souls to one another. Do they count this as their first date, then? What about the physical aspect? Hopefully things will just “work themselves out” as they play it by ear, but developing one aspect of their relationship ahead of everything else could make it feel like a lopsided tricycle.

Now let’s consider what might happen if they’re not truly compatible - they meet in person and there’s just no spark. Maybe one of them even finds the other annoying. They really seemed to click in email, but there’s something about the in-person delivery that changes everything. However, once again, they’ve had all these long, deep conversations via email. They know a lot about one another, and they’re emotionally invested. Do they soldier on even though there’s no real connection in person? Do they break things off a feel a sting that’s much worse now (or potentially much worse for one of them)?

Finally, let’s consider what would have happened if they hadn’t prolonged their first meeting. If they’re truly compatible, they’ll feel that first spark. Discovery - both physical and emotional - will move along at a fairly even pace. It might be fairly “bog standard,” but that doesn’t mean it’s not exciting.

And if they’re not compatible? One slightly awkward date and a cordial goodbye. No pain at having exposed your heart to someone who doesn’t feel the same way; no guilt and awkwardness at knowing too much about someone you don’t like. A clean ending to the meeting, with minimal baggage.

So as you start up conversations with potential matches, don’t let yourself be lured by the safety and general momentum of online dating. Just because you’ve mastered one section doesn’t mean you’ll fail at the next - and soon you’ll feel like an old hand at first dates, too. Delaying that first meeting is only pausing the inevitable, at best - and if the outcome is good, don’t you want to get right to where the fun starts?

When you’ve first decided to join an online dating site, it can be tempting to just jot down the first thing that comes into your head before you’ve lost your nerve. However, unless you really think you will truly lose your nerve and never come back if you don’t publish a profile that very minute, it can be more helpful to save your work temporarily and revisit it later.

The perks of revision are numerous and broad. First of all, there are the same upsides that there are for editing any work: you’ll have a better chance of catching mistakes if you read it over later. Nothing pulls a reader out of a profile faster than a blatantly misspelled word, or worse, an autocorrect that is completely wrong and inappropriate. Giving yourself even a few hours’ worth of space can save you countless embarrassing moments.

Then there’s the issue of content. When a profile is written in the heat of the moment, the emotion behind that moment tends to permeate the profile. That can be helpful if you were feeling particularly confident, excited and inspired, but not so much if you were despondent, anxious or angry at an ex. Plus, some “spur of the moment” writers might be under the influence of something else, like peer pressure (“Say you like long walks on the beach! It’ll be hilarious!”) or alcohol. By the light of the next morning, you may find more than simple typos: red flags, jokes that aren’t funny, rants, or inappropriate double entendres make frequent appearances.

At the same time, that’s not to say that those first-draft profiles are completely useless. Often there’s a candidness or an honesty to such writing that’s harder to get when you’re carefully evaluating each word. Sometimes those “spur of the moment” writing sessions reveal more of the “real you” than would otherwise surface; other times they’re clouded by self-consciousness, bitterness or beer. Luckily, it’s often clearly apparent later which you’re dealing with - and if you’ve got a gem, the trick is to polish it through editing without wearing away the character.

So don’t be afraid to sit down and pour out your feelings on who you are and what you want; don’t fling it out immediately onto the internet, either. Instead, save those candid writings, but don’t be afraid to view them with a critical eye later. It’s the combination of passion and polish that produces a memorable profile.