Advice

Remember that Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride? She kept getting cold feet with all of her soon-to-be-husbands, and ended up abandoning them on the wedding day. But she couldn't figure out why. She loved them and they loved her - so what was the problem? She discovered that she didn't really know herself - that she was allowing the men in her life to dictate who she was, even down to the kind of eggs she liked.

In the movie the character was a bit of a caricature, trying to please her boyfriends by being who they wanted her to be. But in real life, this isn't such a far-fetched idea. How many of us have sacrificed part of ourselves, our identities, for someone we love?

I have a friend who is very attractive, outgoing, and fun. She attracts good-looking, personable and successful guys. She should have no problem finding a relationship. But every time she meets a new man, she tells me how amazing their relationship is, and how nobody else "gets" her the way her man-of-the-moment does, and she desperately molds herself into what she thinks he wants.

Case in point: she is not exactly an outdoor person, but one of her boyfriends was really active - surfing, boating, biking, and running - you name the sport, he'd probably done it. He liked being active on weekends, when my friend preferred to sleep in and then meet friends for a leisurely drink. But then I saw her donning biker pants and new sneakers for their next date. When I raised my eyebrow in question, she dismissed me. "I like bike riding," she laughed. I wasn't so sure.

I recall my own experiences, trying to become some idealized version of myself that I thought a man would want. I strove to be witty and fun all the time, and hid all the things about myself that he might find unattractive - like my habit of reading books all weekend in solitude, how nervous I get in large groups of people, or the terrible seasickness I get just thinking about sailing or being on a boat. But this never helped me. In fact, it prevented me from finding a real relationship. I was too busy being someone else for anybody to see the real me.

My friend is still dating her sporty boyfriend, but she's scared at any moment he'll discover that she's a fraud and break up with her. She's also become afraid to commit, because she'd have to keep up the charade of who he thinks she is. It can get exhausting.

Take the time to figure out your own interests, and don't be ashamed to share them with someone you're dating. Your boyfriend isn't going to be turned off if you like different things, but he will if you aren't being honest. If you don't even know who you are or what you want, how can you expect to be happy in a relationship?

By now you’ve probably been reminded that on a first date, “everyone is nervous.” It’s not only true, it’s easy to imagine, to believe. However, there’s another truth that some have a harder time internalizing: that a sincere, polite, first-contact email is never a bad idea.

It’s easy for us to construct barriers that limit ourselves or keep us feeling awkward and ill-at-ease. With very few exceptions, we’re all insecure about something. When it comes to approaching someone else, all those insecurities rear their heads - and, additionally, we seem incapable of understanding that we’re not the only ones with this problem.

Consider the fictional couple Jeff and Jane. Jane likes the look of Jeff’s profile. However, as a child she was told that “boys don’t like girls who chase them or are forward.” Furthermore, she’s heard that “single women get approached by men constantly.” Thus, if she’s not getting emailed, she thinks there’s something wrong with her. She doesn’t contact Jeff.

Jeff likes the look of Jane’s profile. However, he’s approached women many times in his life, often in person. Some of them were already taken, some weren’t interested, but regardless, he’s had more rejections than acceptances over the years. He knows he has to be “special” to stand out, but he doesn’t feel special today. He doesn’t contact Jane.

Now, imagine if one of them had worked up the nerve to contact the other. Does either one sound like the type to be rude or dismissive? Even if ultimately there’s no spark, or if one wasn’t interested the profile of the other - does it seem like it was a chance not worth taking? Of course not! Jane and Jeff just might be compatible - and if they’re not, they’re not worse off than if they’d never spoken.

For the majority of people, these are the sort of chances that are passing them by. Yes, there might be surly, dismissive or downright mean people out there, just like there are in the rest of the world. However, online dating has several advantages: everyone is single and looking, so you can eliminate those awkward “mixed-signal” encounters you get in person; you’re not doing the contacting in person, so even a rejection stings less; you can contact people who might otherwise make you feel awkward or shy, thus giving you a bit of a “courage boost.”

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but that’s not much help if we’re keeping ourselves from even casting bait. Almost everyone will appreciate a first-contact email that’s not offensive, even if there’s ultimately no spark. And on the other hand, a connection is possible. Don’t be like Jane or Jeff - jump those internal hurdles!

The scenario:

You're single and on your way to a party, hoping to meet someone interesting and/or attractive to talk to. You notice when you first walk in that there aren't many people you recognize. You wished your friend hadn't bailed on you at the last minute, but now you're here and need to make the best of it. What do you do?

a. Stand by the bar and wait for someone to approach you/ talk to you

b. Go find someone you know (like the host) to help introduce you to new people

c. Go up to total strangers and introduce yourself

d. After a few glasses of wine, hit on the hottest guy in the room in the hopes he's single

e. Grab a quick drink and head out early. You made your appearance.

We're all different, and some of us are more introverted than others when it comes to social situations. It's far easier to stand in the corner by the bar and watch other people, or wait for them to approach you. After all, they seem to know each other and are involved in their own conversations. You don't feel comforable interrupting.

Unfortunately, being the shy type won't help you meet new people or make it easy for you to get a date or two. It's hard to put yourself out there. But if you prefer to sit back and wait, or leave the party early because you're too shy to introduce yourself or make small talk, you're sabotaging your own chances of meeting someone great. Who knows - you could meet the love of your life by putting yourself out there and going solo.

First, it's important to understand that going solo to a party puts you in the driver's seat. When you're by yourself, it's easier for people to approach you. Think about it: if you were huddled with friends - in your comfort zone - how many attractive single men (or women) would approach you to talk? Same thing if you leave too early - you could miss an opportunity to meet someone great who showed up later in the evening.

But if you take going solo one step further and introduce yourself around - you have increased your chances of meeting someone with date potential that much more. And if you have a hard time talking to strangers, enlist the help of someone you know who is also there - like a work colleague, a client, or an acquaintance.

My suggestion is: keep your options open and be courageous. You don't get anywhere without taking chances. Risk is required for the most rewarding things in life - including finding love.

Ever regretted the time when you didn't call a date back? Or when you broke up with someone over email? Or when you got a little too drunk when meeting one of your online matches for the first time?

These kinds of mistakes can make us cringe in retrospect. After all, you consider yourself a good catch, a decent person. So why would you behave badly towards someone else?

Dating can bring out the best and worst within us, even if we don't like to admit it. It's not easy to date and always do the right thing, especially when you have no history or shared connection with the person.

But dating requires all of us to rise to the occasion. Everyone has a story of a date gone wrong, especially online daters. You don't want to be the subject of someone's bad dating tale, and you don't want to endure more of your own bad dates, right?

So starting with a few simple steps, you can overcome those mistakes of your dating past and move onto happier dates in the future:

Don't disappear. Maybe you went out with a guy once or twice and decided he wasn't for you. Instead of pulling the disappearing act, try confronting the situation. It's understandable, preferable even, to let him know that you aren't interested. It will keep him from second-guessing himself and what he did, and keep you from feeling guilty and avoiding his emails and calls. When you stop avoiding the situation, you can both move on.

Own up to your mistakes. Let's say you were out on a first date and had a few too many cocktails because you got nervous. If you're embarrassed by how you were acting, or that you had to be sent home in a cab after throwing up in the restroom, don't beat yourself up. The best thing to do is to call the next day and apologize. If you want another chance, then ask for that, too. And for future dates, limit yourself to two glasses of wine, tops, or no drinks at all if it makes you feel more in control.

Recognize the situation for what it is. Let's say you slept with someone on the first date and regretted it soon after, because you were hoping to pursue a real relationship. Well, all is not lost, despite how you might feel. Many people hook up, but few are willing to deal with the emotional aftermath. The best course of action is to be honest with yourself (by owning your emotions instead of talking yourself out of them) and with your date. Call him and admit that you would like to keep seeing him. If he's right for you, then he'll want to move forward, too. And if he's not ready for anything close to serious, then you've avoided some heartbreak down the line.

Writing a first-contact email can be the most nerve-wracking part of online dating. For some people, it’s even more scary than the first date - so much so, that they don’t even do it! Instead, they sit back and hope that someone else will contact them first. Most of us, however, don’t have the patience and want to be active in our destinies; the first-contact evil is something we must conquer.

The main issue is one of tone. Is what I’ve written too casual? Too stilted and formal? Greeting someone like an old friend feels presumptuous; it’s a technique salesmen use and while it may throw us off-guard, we don’t tend to like it very much. On the other hand, an overly formal invitation to view the author’s profile feels like it should arrive sealed with a blot of wax. How do we strike the right balance?

The answer is to try reading your email aloud. Imagine that you’re approaching someone at a bookstore, or a cafe. Would you walk up to them with a “Yo” or a “Many pardons for the interruption, I beg the favor of your eyes and ears for the briefest of moments”? Nope, neither are likely winners. Instead, you’d probably aim for something simple and polite to grab their attention, and ask a question to get a conversation going.

That’s literally all that is needed in a first-contact email. No declarations of love or lust, no tricks or lines; keep it simple, polite, and friendly. Ask a question about something from their profile, so they know you haven’t copied and pasted the email to dozens of others. It’s as simple as that.

The only part that requires a little creativity is the subject line. Inboxes are full of “hey,” “hello” and “hi.” If you have a cheesy line inside you that’s aching to get out, this is probably the only place it could possible be appropriate. A quote, a comment about the profile, or even another question are all possibilities; you have to figure out what resonates with you. And if you’re stuck, try asking yourself what you’d like to see in your inbox.

A first-contact email doesn’t have to follow ancient rules of discourse - or at least, none in addition to what we use in person every single day. Read that email aloud to make sure it flows naturally. If you require more than three breaths to do so, it might already be too long. Keep everything short, sweet, simple and fun, and you might find that writing a first-contact email isn’t nearly as daunting as you thought.

Online dating may be efficient, convenient, and versatile - but no matter how you use it, it tends to favor the bold. That’s just the way it is; your profile may be fantastic, but you’ll have more success if you actually contact people to bring it to their attention. There’s a chance someone will come across you in their own custom search, but you’re increasing your chances when you do half the work yourself. For someone who’s naturally timid or know their people skills need work, it can be daunting.
But here’s the unexpected part: when you actively start to work on those weak areas - the shyness, the awkwardness - it has an effect across all areas of your life. All that small-talk practicing you’re doing to prepare for first dates means that suddenly you’re more comfortable striking up random conversations at the grocery store. Your focus on confidence and speaking up for yourself might pay off at work.

It’s not just the in-person preparation that can leak into “real life”; Caitlin, a friend, tells me that when she was in the process of writing her online profile, someone pointed out that her choice of words and phrases tended to be negative. “I didn’t think I actually felt so glum and down,” she says, “but after it was mentioned to me, I began to notice that I did it in person too! Even when I felt in a good mood, the words that were coming out of my mouth were very glass-half-empty. So I started making an effort to catch myself and rephrase if I could. I think my co-workers seem more friendly and comfortable around me now, and I even feel a little better myself!”

Online dating works best when we don’t think of it in a vacuum. Our everyday life affects the person we present on our online profiles, but the reverse can occur as well. Why proofread only our profiles? Why not be aware of the larger issues those “edits” can represent? With a little care, we can take our “editing notes” and enact positive changes in all aspects of our lives - including romance.