Advice

It’s not surprising that we place a premium on common interests. Meet someone in person who shares your love of obscure mid-century cookware and you feel like you’ve found a long-lost best friend. When we say we “can’t find anyone we’re interested in” after a quick scan of an online dating site, it’s often based on whether we can easily find someone with those common interests. The question is, do we place too much emphasis on sharing common interests? Is that what makes a lasting relationship?

As with everything else, it probably depends on individuals involved. For example, not many adults are still super-fans of the teen idols they crushed over in high school; similarly, many hobbies and passions come and go. If someone who’s particularly fair-weather when it comes to their interests based their dating searches only on the flavor of the moment, chances are they’d eventually want to move on.

However, sometimes interests and hobbies can reveal a general personality type, even as the specifics come and go. Maybe you don’t still have the same favorite TV show as you did ten years ago, but you still love the same genre. Maybe you don’t follow bands around like you did in college, but you still enjoy live music. Unless you’re completely changing your personality with your hobbies, it might still be worth searching for those specifics. Some “interests,” like politics or religion, are actually more indicative of an entire world view - more than just a singular hobby.

But the real issue is that regardless of how your passions endure, the key is finding someone with whom you can grow and evolve. Many in long-term relationships find new hobbies over the years - and many of those new hobbies are separate, branching off into new territories, making new friends. Those relationships don’t necessarily collapse, because it’s the people who are compatible, not the interests.

So what can you do in the short term? Don’t stress if you don’t share every detail, or if you’re not pulling up any matches with an incredibly specific search term. Try to read the profile with the person in mind instead of a list of matched items. And don’t confuse shared interests with compatibility; after all, haven’t you met a fellow fan who drove you nuts?

Common interests are a great place to start, and immediately make you feel like you’re on the “same team,” but the true test of compatibility comes when you meet in person. Don’t be afraid to meet someone outside of your typical box - because maybe that box isn’t as important as you thought.

When we discuss online dating profiles, a lot of attention tends to be placed on the language used. We talk about whether you’re being unintentionally negative, whether certain phrases are ‘red flags’ when they pop up on someone else’s profile. Sometimes the differences are tiny, which might seem like nit-picking - but becomes more reasonable when you realize that the entire profile is only a few paragraphs long.

However, though we spend a great deal of time on our profiles, the real test comes when we meet in person. And here’s why: the use of all the right words doesn’t help if you don’t understand the meaning behind them.

“People say they want honesty in a date, but they really don’t,” I once heard someone say cynically. When pressed for detail, they said, “I am as honest as they come. I always tell it like it is. When my date showed up considerably heavier than they’d said they were, I pointed out that they weren’t being honest with me, but he seemed to think it didn’t count. If I’m not having a good time, I say I’m not. Trust me, no one’s ever happy with the results.”

In this case, this person seems to think the problem is with their honesty - but really it’s with their tact, or lack of it. They’re taking the ‘honesty’ concept incredibly literally. When most people want someone ‘honest’ they’re talking about a lack of active deception. Maybe they mean someone who is comfortable with who they are, or someone who isn’t coy for the sake of playing the ‘dating game.‘ Chances are, they don’t mean they need to hear the stark truth one hundred percent of the time. ‘Honesty‘ seems like a simple enough concept, but thanks to differences in interpretation (and personality differences), it can become a hurdle in person.

Another word that often means different things to different people is ‘sarcasm.‘ It’s not uncommon to see someone describe their sense of humor as ‘sarcastic,’ or state that they like comedies with sarcasm. In reality, other words may be better suited to what they really mean - irony, dry humor, witticism, absurdity. But ‘sarcasm‘ tends to be the catch-all word that’s used when we’re not talking about straightforward slapstick comedy.

However, sarcasm can actually be rather dark, and someone who is truly sarcastic all the time walks a fine line before treading into meanness. Indeed, some people believe they’re being funny when in truth they’re caustic and mocking. Yet, they’re using the term ‘sarcasm‘ just as correctly, if not more so, than everyone else.

So how will you know if you’re truly on the same page? The only answer is to get out there and meet in person. We can polish our profiles, but to stress too much over them is unnecessary. Sure, it’s great to make a good first impression, and it’s how we establish whether we want to meet in person in the first place - but you can’t truly get a feel for compatibility, can’t actually fall in love, until you get past that first meeting. What are you waiting for?

We’ve all seen them - the commercials for online dating sites that feature a beaming couple, proclaiming they’ve found their “best friend.” Maybe they say something along the lines of, “it’s a party every night!” We like parties and the idea of being romantically linked to a best friend sounds pretty darn good, so naturally we want to give those sites a try first. But how realistic are these claims?

To find the answer, the first thing we have to remember is that we’re talking about a commercial, an advertisement. Thus, it should come as no surprise to realize that finding someone who eventually becomes your partner and best friend is completely attainable - but it might not be as simple as the commercials make it out to be.

What? A commercial makes something look better or easier than it is in real life? What a surprise! Consider the commercials for any marginally healthy food: they imply that eating said food will produce a dramatic weight loss, as well as a generally happier you. In reality, eating a healthy food is, indeed, a step along the way to a healthier self; it also involves self-discipline, initiative in terms of exercise and lifestyle changes, and a lot more time than the commercial probably implies. The commercial isn’t lying; they’re just omitting a lot of the steps along the way.

In commercials for online dating, it’s quite similar. We tend to see a scenario something along the lines of this: a person sees a profile, sends an email, there’s a first date, and bam! Happily ever after. While that’s certainly possible - and probably happens, to some extent, every day - there are quite a few steps omitted.

Consider the term “best friend.” There’s certainly chemistry at first sight - maybe you “click” with someone right away - but an enduring friendship also contains the element of trust, something that develops over time. There might be rocky moments along the way. There are lots of fun moments, but there are also days that are simply content or even boring.

Romantic relationships aren’t any different. You may click right away, and you might ultimately end up in a happily ever after, but that doesn’t mean you settle in in an instant, and it doesn’t mean life is an endless whirlwind of excitement.

Does that mean online dating sites aren’t worth it? Certainly not! They’re a valuable tool, allowing you to find potentially compatible people that you might otherwise have never met, as well as allowing you to control the first impression you make. But just as a healthy food won’t instantly produce weight loss, an online profile won’t instantly produce a ready-made Perfect Match. As you try out new dating sites, remember to keep your head out of the clouds; it better allows you to see the opportunities before you.

When it comes to editing your online dating profile, there’s one simple concept that must be hunted down, and, if at all possible, eradicated. It’s the quickest way to turn an otherwise-interesting profile into a snoozefest. It can take a few different forms, but they are always dull. This weed that slowly clutters and chokes your profile goes by a common name: the laundry list.

The laundry list is not an actual list of laundry; it’s a list of anything. Would you like to sit around reading someone’s mundane to-do list for the day? Well, there’s something about the list form that makes everyone’s eyes glaze over, regardless of content. However, it’s particularly attractive to those who are writing their profiles, because it allows them to quickly unload a bunch of information without have to explain or even think about it. They may feel like a laundry list is a good way to sneak in an excess of info, unnoticed.

Except we always notice it. And then skip over it.

The most common offenders are the sections where one must list their favorite movies, television shows, or books. To many, these are indicators of taste, common interest, or representative of their general personality. They want to appear well-rounded, yet deep. The only solution, they feel, is to list every single one of their favorites - a list that has been growing since they were children.

Unfortunately for them, what tends to happen is that the reader sees a block of text ahead and skims, or jumps below altogether. Instead of a potentially “incomplete” view of this subject that means so much to the author, there’s no impression at all.

What to do instead? Well, it’s hard to really talk about your favorites without a list, so try to minimize it as much as possible: one or two representative samples from each genre. Believe it or not, if someone has similar tastes to yours, they’ll likely be able to recognize it from a few examples. Or you don’t need to list any titles at all - it might be more interesting to talk about what genre excites you the most and why.

The other common form of the laundry list tends to thrive in the main body of online profiles - or, more specifically, in any part in which the author is asked what they’re looking for in a prospective match. Suddenly lists abound! It might be a list of what they do want, or it might be a list of what they don’t.

As you sit down to write this section, ask yourself: are you about to make a take-out order at a drive-thru window? If not, avoid thinking of your potential match as such. Remember, too, that you don’t know exactly who you’ll click with, and getting too specific might discourage someone who otherwise could be great. Thus, try to think of them more in terms of a general impression - qualities that would catch your eye if you saw them instead of a list of requirements.

The laundry list is insidious, and we might not even realize we’re reading one until our eyelids begin to droop. So be ever vigilant, and maybe get someone else to proofread, after warning them what they’re looking for. The laundry list may be deadly to a profile, but it’s an easy fix - if you know to look for it.

It’s probably no surprise that the part of the online dating profile that gives many people the most trouble is the simplest - the picture section. In a perfect world, you’d have interesting, candid photos of yourself - and only yourself. In reality, often the pictures that feature the most genuine smiles and capture the best moments feature more people than yourself. What do you do when you’re just one in the crowd?

There’s no right answer to this question - after all, the composition and circumstances are always different - but here are a few factors to consider. The first thing you should ask yourself is, “Is cropping myself out an option?” If you’re just one person at a table, or standing in a line of other people, it might be possible to draw a reasonable square or rectangle around yourself. Sure, the viewer will be able to tell that there’s more going on around you, but that’s the case in every photo, really.

There are occasions when cropping yourself out of the photo is not an option. For example, maybe you’re just one tiny head in a sea of people. Maybe you’re dealing with a scanned or low-quality photo, and zooming in only makes things blurry and pixelated (luckily, the prevalence of digital photography today makes zooming in more common). Maybe it’s impossible to draw that square or rectangle around yourself without including a few random limbs - floating arms or legs that look much creepier when they’re disembodied.

If cropping yourself out is not an option, you might consider posting the photo with the other people included. At this point, ask yourself if it’s appropriate. For example, that picture of you and your niece might be adorable, but maybe her mother might not want her child’s picture on the Internet. Maybe it’s a picture of you with an ex - and it’s clear, in the photo, that you were once intimate. Maybe it’s just some friends, but they have reasons for being cagey about the photo being posted; they might have privacy concerns, or the picture is of some funny college antics that they’d rather remain private.

However, let’s imagine, ideally, you have the permission of all involved and you’ve decided to use the photo (as an auxiliary photo, not the default pic; a group shot would make a terrible tiny thumbnail). Don’t forget the most important part: clearly state which person is you! Even if you’ve got plenty of other photos of yourself, the age, clothing, or just other people with similar coloring could cast doubt. The last thing you want to inspire in a reader is confusion. A simple caption like “With friends at a wedding - I’m on the left” or “I’m the one in the blue dress” will clear things up easily.

In most cases, it’s easiest to just use photos where the other people have been cut out. However, it’s also important that your pictures paint a picture of who you are, and sometimes people are necessarily part of your story. By remembering to keep the focus where it belongs, and considering the wishes of the others in your photos, you’ll be better equipped to make the best decision for your tale.

It's irrational, but it's true: sometimes the people we care about the most are the ones we treat with the least amount of respect, care, and attention.

In fact, some psychology studies have even proved that there's truth to the saying "Familiarity breeds contempt." One such study came to the conclusion that, on average, we like other people less the more we know about them. As we learn more information about another person, the likelihood increases that we will uncover a trait about the person that we dislike. And once we've discovered one disagreeable trait, we're more likely to find others.

All this brings up one big question: if we tend to dislike people the more we get to know them, how can long-term relationships possibly work?