Advice

Chances are, when you sign up for a dating site, love is your primary focus, not friendship. However, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, there are many reasons to keep good old-fashioned friendship first and foremost in your mind.

First of all, regardless of whether you’ve had successful romantic relationships in the past, chances are you’ve had a few successful long-term friendships. The concept of making friends is something familiar to you, and thus less stressful. You have a solid idea of what you’re looking for when you’re looking for a friend, and you’re more likely to trust your gut instincts.

By primarily focusing on whatever you’d look for in a friend, you’re forcing yourself to read profiles more closely. Some tend to scan profiles and set aside only the most attractive prospects. While attraction is definitely still a factor, using a photo to form your first impression can potentially impair your judgment; for example, you might give a profile more deliberation than it deserves because the person is attractive. You won’t be able to close your eyes at the pictures entirely, but simply setting out with a different goal in mind might cause you to look at everything slightly differently.

Physical attraction, or more specifically, chemistry, is absolutely important in a romantic relationship, and one of the reasons meeting in person as soon as possible is encouraged. However, there are many factors in a successful relationship, and chemistry is just one of them. By searching for a “friend,” you’re searching for someone who has something going for them in addition to chemistry. In essence, you’re upping your chances of finding someone compatible because you’ve identified additional traits you admire or share.

Ultimately, the only way to predict physical compatibility is to meet in person. So why waste your time trying to predict it via online profiles? Perhaps you should use the time to identify potential friends, instead. The chances of finding someone with whom you’ll share a physical spark might be similar, but perhaps you’ll walk away with a few platonic friendships, as well.

When you first sign up for an online dating site, it can be intoxicating - or overwhelming, depending on your perspective. All those choices! You’ve heard that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but suddenly you’re getting a true glimpse of what that can mean - zooming out until you’re looking at an entire ocean (and knowing you’re still only seeing a tiny fraction of what’s really out there). As tempting as it can be to just dive in or shut down altogether, remember that there are actually perks to zooming back in, and taking profiles just a few at a time.

First and foremost, there’s a glazing effect - meaning your eyes get glazed over after viewing a few too many profiles at once. Everyone starts to seem the same. Furthermore, your first-contact emails start to seem the same, too. We might all be tiny ants in this big ol’ world, but hardly anyone is comfortable being constantly reminded of it; nothing accomplishes that more than a copy-and-paste email.

Once everyone starts to sound the same, it’s even harder to keep track of those profiles you’ve viewed. Maybe someone caught your eye the other day, but you had to run out on an errand and didn’t have time to contact them then. Now, unfortunately, you can’t find their profile! You thought you remembered their name, but apparently not. And retracing your steps is next to impossible. It’s hard enough finding someone who really piques your interest, but potentially losing them before you’ve even sent an email is doubly frustrating.

An entire site of potential matches can be daunting, so a good way to manage profiles in small amounts is to make good use of your custom searches. Perhaps one day you look up a specific interest or keyword. Don’t bounce from once search to the next - you’ll only potentially confuse yourself. Instead, limit yourself to one or two specific searches a day, and commit to really reading those profiles. Keep a blank document open and list your keywords, as well as profiles you’ve found interesting (their usernames, perhaps with links to their actual profiles). Later on, if something seems vaguely familiar (maybe even on another site), you can at least check whether they’ve grabbed your eye before.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a broad approach to perusing profiles, but sometimes it can be difficult to give profiles the attention they deserve when you’re overwhelmed by the numbers. It’s fine to send out several first-contact emails - after all, it’s akin to saying hello - but make sure you can handle, and recall, those you’re contacting!

“It’s not just online dating I’m opposed to,” I once heard someone proclaim. “It’s all dating. It’s just so artificial. Like something from another time.” Sure, this scoffing might rankle a little (would that everyone found love so easily that dating were completely unnecessary!) but rather than dismissing the comment out of hand, let’s consider it.

“Dating is like something from another time.” When you consider the courtship and dating practices from other times and cultures, you might conclude that they’re usually born from necessity. In cultures where, say, genders were completely separated, there wouldn’t be much daily interaction. Thus, something a little more heavy-handed like matchmaking might seem a more natural conclusion. As times become more modern, people interact at school or at work. Supervision is less necessary, but because you meet under “non-relationship-seeking” circumstances, you still need time to assess your compatibility one-on-one. As such, you get “going out,” which is less formal than dating because the getting-to-know-you part has happened bit by bit somewhere else.

But what if you’re not in school anymore? What if you work solely with people who are all married or dramatically out of your age bracket? What if you don’t share interests with anyone in your day-to-day life, or even sexual orientation?

The reason online dating has evolved and is growing in popularity is because dating is not “something from another time.” It’s the latest answer to an eternal problem. Falling in love is still entirely natural - it’s meeting people in the first place that causes us the most problems!

Ultimately, there’s not much difference between meeting someone at work, at church, serendipitously at the grocery store, or through an online dating site. You’re “looking for love” the entire time. In fact, online dating could be considered the superior option: you’re not waiting around for a serendipitous moment. You join groups or clubs solely for the enjoyment, not the possibility of meeting someone. You can focus more at work. Online dating may be “artificial” but no more awkward and artificial than meeting someone new has always been. Instead of fighting romance, why not pursue it in the most straightforward way possible?

Nowadays, some online dating sites and apps are trying something new: instead of creating a brand-new profile, they just take information from your preexisting social media sites. For those who don’t like writing about themselves, this is something of a relief; they’ve already suffered through once, and that’s enough for them. However, before you sign up for one of these services, you might want to check what your social media actually says about you.

First of all, there’s the privacy issue. What, exactly, will this dating service pull from your social networks? Let’s say you had all your information set to friends-only - will you need to make certain information public for the app to work? Furthermore, if you didn’t want it public before, how comfortable are you with the same info being used on a dating site? For those who are vigilant about protecting their privacy, getting the answers to these questions is vital before signing up to a specific site, lest you reveal something you didn’t intend.

Next up is the content itself. If you have profiles on long-established social networking sites, there’s a large chance that your information is outdated and potentially cringe-inducing. Maybe your favorite quotes are no longer from that movie everyone loved to drunk-quote in college. Maybe your goals are no longer the same. Maybe you’re now embarrassed that you included your childhood paper route in your work history.

Yet another aspect to consider is social network sites that include pictures. These pictures might include some that are also old and outdated, or worse yet, have been uploaded by friends and don’t necessarily feature your finest moments. Perhaps they even feature past relationships. Granted, whenever you ‘friend’ someone on the social networking site, you’re giving them permission to see all this and more; however, you’ve probably at least met them in person by then and are prepared for that level of vulnerability. If you don’t normally make such pictures public, make sure you know what will be seen by potential dates.

On typical online dating sites, you’re encouraged to do ‘maintenance’ on your profile, to keep it fresh and interesting and ensure that it still creates the first impression you want. Before you sign up with a site that incorporates your social networking profiles, make sure you fully understand what you’re signing up for - and then make sure it sends an accurate, positive and up-to-date message.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy that now seems far, far away, online dating was considered the last refuge of the hopeless. It was something to be ashamed of, a final resort for people who had exhausted all other opportunities for finding love. (And secretly, we didn't think they'd be able to find it online either.)

Oh, how the tables have turned. Online dating is now the second most popular way for couples to meet, surpassed only by meeting through mutual friends. It's part of a daily routine for millions of people - wake up, read your email, check Facebook, answer messages on your online dating site. It's even starting to feel like the people who haven't tried online dating are in the minority.

According to Harry Reis, a professor of psychology who coauthored a 2012 study on online dating called Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science, the switch likely happened because the Western world experienced a transition in the way it approaches romance. Prior to the rise of online dating, it was difficult for adults to meet each other once they'd moved on from high school and college. Online dating offered a fresh take on connection.

"Online dating is definitely a new and much needed twist on relationships," says Reis. "The Internet holds great promise for helping adults form healthy and supportive romantic partnerships, and those relationships are one of the best predictors of emotional and physical health."

Online dating was a natural progression. In this hyper-connected era in which we spend a good portion of our lives on the Web, it's no surprise that we find ourselves drawn to online dating. Dating sites provide a sense of security, and unprecedented access and information.

When you log on to a dating site, you feel confident that that (most) everyone you see is looking for a date, and you're able to extract large amounts of information about potential partners immediately, before you've ever even spoken. On top of that, most dating sites help you narrow the field further using detailed search metrics and complex matching systems.

That sounds pretty futuristic and space age-y as-is, but online dating is already beginning to evolve into something else. With more people using the Internet on mobile devices than desktops or laptops, the world of online dating is starting to blend into traditional dating to form the latest craze: mobile dating.

Apps like Tinder and Swoon streamline the dating experience by eschewing long profiles in favor of simple processes to browse and select dates. And unlike standard dating websites, these mobile apps connect you with dates in your immediate area, making dating's newest direction easier and more relaxed than it has ever been before.

When you start contacting people you’ve found through online dating sites, it’s best to remember why you’re using the site in the first place: as a tool to find people to meet. ‘Meet,’ here, is the operative word. In many respects, online dating can be the best of both worlds; for example, some who aren’t great at expressing themselves on the fly can make their best first impression through a great profile. But the true test of chemistry still lies in that first meeting; prolonging that isn’t giving you the best of anything.

Still, some are cagey about taking the plunge and scheduling that first date. Sure, you seem to have a few things in common. Sure, your prospective match also seems interested in you. But going on a date... “putting your compatibility to the test”... it all seems like too much pressure! Plus, what if it turns out you’re not compatible at all and you’re trapped with your date somewhere for hours? Perhaps the next email will reveal whether you’re truly compatible before you have to go on the date. ...Or maybe the next email after that.

The reality of the situation is that until you take that next step, it doesn’t matter how many emails you send: you’re in a holding pattern and the truth will not magically reveal itself. If anything, it might confuse things, if you happen to like your date’s online persona better than their in-person reality. But never fear! There’s actually quite a simple mini-step that might help you get over your anxiety: the casual coffee meet-up.

Some might call it a “date,” but you don’t have to if it would make things easier. The casual meet-up can happen day or night, depending on the schedules of those involved. The dress is more casual, and the venue is something speedier, like coffee or brunch. It’s not meant to be a long-running date, so it’s no problem if you have to head back to work or off to some other scheduled activity - but if things go so well that it winds up taking longer, that’s not a bad thing either.

For many, these meet-ups function as a casual sort of “date before the date.” You can schedule them quickly and not over-think them too much before they happen. You’re not spending too much or trying to be someone you’re not. If you’re utterly incompatible, you’re not stuck on a bad date for ages. And if you do have that spark, you’re just whetting your appetites for more.

Are these meet-ups much different than a regular first date? Maybe not, but by framing them in a casual context, you’re not placing as much pressure on yourself and your date. And perhaps the more relaxed, less committed tone will allow you to take that plunge a little sooner than you otherwise might. Just make sure your date is on the same page! What are you waiting for?