Advice

In the world of online dating, one of the quickest ways to get yourself pegged as a “creep” or “just a hookup” or even a potential spammer is to get explicit. When you talk about more than just romance, whether on your profile or in a first contact email, you run the risk that the reader will start to back away.

For some, this can be a puzzling concept. After all, you’re looking for a relationship or a date, right? And most adult relationships have a physical aspect as well as intellectual and emotional ones. When we talk about chemistry or a ‘spark,’ there’s obviously a physical component there as well. So why is it taboo to talk about such things on your profile?

The answer is this: most online dating sites are intended to be used to find someone to meet, not necessarily someone to immediately date or hook up with. While there are people who use them to look for something a little faster and less permanent than a lasting relationship, they aren’t necessarily the majority. So, in general, the “social rules” are the same as when you meet any random person in public for the first time.

Imagine that instead of an online dating site, you’re actually in a room, mingling with all these people. There will be some who are looking for a one-night stand, and by sending more overt, aggressive signals, they’re broadcasting that intent. Chances are, they’ll find someone likeminded. But everyone else moves a little more slowly; they’re expecting the usual greetings, introductions and small talk. The physical element, the chemistry, is still there, but it’s not typically addressed directly, until the couple is ready to get a little closer.

Thus, it’s not necessarily ‘wrong’ to be more forward about physical desires on your online profile, if that’s your main focus, but you have to be aware that that’s the message you’re sending. If someone is not clearly looking to move quickly in the physical realm, you’re not looking for the same thing; thus, don’t be surprised if emailing doesn’t go well. And if you are looking for a more slow-moving, long-term relationship, it helps to be aware that blunt desire is not the most successful approach. So think about the room full of mingling people; which kind are you?

Online dating has many advantages over more traditional ways of meeting people, but there is one area that is a little lacking: undivided attention. If the typical dating scene is two people sitting at a table together, online dating can be more like one person sitting at a table while fifty people walk by and drop off their phone number. Once a conversation gets going it’s the familiar one-on-one scenario, but when you send that first-contact email, you might just be one scrap of paper in a sizable heap.

On the one hand, this can make first-contact emails easier; there’s nothing to worry about, everyone sends them, and if a response is a little delayed, well, they might just be wading through the heap. Still, we don’t really want to be just another scrap, either.

Everyone wants to stand out, but how can you do that without being over the top? Well, the first step is to remember that nothing at all will happen if you don’t send an email. Being “forward” may not generally be in your nature, but this is truly one example of “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” And once you work up your courage, keep that feeling with you while you write your email; confidence often brings out the best in us.

Next, stay away from generic filler, like “hey,” especially in a subject line. In keeping with the scrap of paper analogy, an interesting subject line is the equivalent of making your scrap of paper neon-colored - it will grab the eye immediately.

In the body of the email, you want to be polite and friendly. Imagine you’re a famous celebrity, and a fan is coming up to say hi. What would you like to hear? Well, maybe something along the lines of, “Just wanted to say I really enjoyed your work in your latest film, particularly this key detail.” A warm smile, a handshake, and they’re out of there. Compare that to a fan who jeopardizes your time, gets too close or inappropriate, mumbles incoherently, or fawns so much that you get uncomfortable.

The same applies to first-contact emails, only this time you’re not the celebrity. You want that warm smile, relevant piece of information (like a comment that pertains to their profile) and quick handshake, and you want to avoid the part where someone stands too close.

Believe it or not, those simple elements - friendliness, appropriateness, an interesting and relevant tidbit or two - when combined with spell-check are more than enough to make your first-contact email stand out from the heap of papers on the table. It really can be as simple as that. So what are you waiting for? Write a scrap that stands out!

The new Star Trek movie released and made over $178 million its first weekend, which is no surprise considering its fan base.

Star Trek has a huge following, with die-hard fans organizing everything from conventions in major cities to online clubs whose members speak Klingon.

Devoted followers might seem a bit obsessive to those of us who aren't. But when it comes to finding love, if you share the same enthusiasm as your date for Star Trek, you could make great romantic partners. You just have to know where to look.

If you've tried mainstream online dating sites and haven't really found someone who clicks with you, maybe it's time to try a niche website instead. And if you're a Trekkie, then you're in luck. You have more than one site to choose from.

TrekkieDating.com says you should "set phasers to flirt" as a way to welcome you to the site and their online dating experience. There's also TrekkiePassions.com and StarTrekDating.com which were designed specifically for Star Trek lovers, too.

Of course, you don't have to be a Star Trek fan to meet people with specific interests or tastes. There are hundreds of niche dating sites, specializing in everything from redheads to cat lovers. Here are some examples:

TallFriends.com - For those of you who are a little bigger than the rest of us and want to meet someone you could look straight in the eye.

STDMatch.net - It can be a little distressing to date if you have an STD. Disclosing this information can send a lot of people running, so it's good to have a dating site where you won't be judged or discounted because of your STD.

VeggieDate.com - How you eat ties in to how you live, and many vegetarians prefer to date fellow non-meat eaters. If lifestyle is important to you, then you may want to consider joining this niche site.

TheBigandTheBeautiful.com - If you aren't a size 6 and don't want to post an old photo of yourself when you were, a this is a good niche site where you won't feel judged. The Big & The Beautiful assures members that it "is the fastest growing relationship service on the Internet for sexy men and women of all shapes and sizes."

Niche dating is a great option. Just keep in mind, while you'll be meeting people who share a similar passion for Star Trek or vegetarians, that doesn't necessarily mean that it will lead to a long-lasting relationship. Other factors weigh in more heavily as you form a relationship - like communication, values, and ambitions. So pay attention to who you meet and don't discount any red flags you might encounter. The right person should feel right to you.

Happy dating!

When it comes to talking about online dating, it’s not unheard of to hear snap judgements and criticism from friends and family. Funnily enough, even the most non-traditional are not afraid to bring up history as a reason why online dating shouldn’t be trusted.

“In my day we didn’t need to have hundreds of options,” says a member of a previous generation. “All we needed to do was walk around town, go to the corner store or the park. You’d meet someone. And it was a town of less than a thousand!”

While that’s not untrue, and people do meet in such serendipitous ways even today, the corner store is no longer the social hub of most towns. In fact, there is no social hub in many towns, unless you’re a teenager and you like ‘cruising’ through mall parking lots.

The fact is, social interaction is constantly evolving. Love may be a tale as old as time, but the details have certainly changed over the years. In general, unmarried adults no longer have to be chaperoned. Online algorithms are increasingly accepted, but the well-meaning meddling of relatives is met with resistance. Singles may still flock to clubs and bars, but very little of that atmosphere is actually conducive to meeting and getting to know someone (plus, contrary to what Grandma might have you think, bars are no novel invention).

Even in today’s world, the social scene varies considerably when it comes to location. Some might still view an ‘outsider’ - someone who lives outside the county limits - with suspicion, while in other locales everyone hails from someplace else. There isn’t even conformity of experience across a single country - why expect it to be so across multiple decades?

So why the criticism? Well, it’s in our nature to want to relate to and help others. What we don’t understand, we tend to reject. Instead of seeing the vast similarities in almost every love story - the butterflies, the excitement, the growing closeness - some first see the differences in the detail. For some, more than a bit of nostalgia has tinged their own recollections, too, and maybe they just want you to have the same sort of fairy tale they recall.

It’s entirely likely that no one means any harm by expressing their doubt or confusion - indeed, they might just be anxiously trying to help in their own way. So it’s best to let such things roll off like so much water on a duck. But when it comes to making your own dating decisions, remember: your experience is not the same as those of your parents, which is likely not the same as that of your grandparents. Love has evolved to keep up the way we interact; choose what’s right for you in this day and age.

Looking for something different to do this summer? Instead of opting for coffee or drinks on a first date, take advantage of the warmer weather and get outside.

I like dates that incorporate activity. It takes the stress off of trying to make conversation, and allows you to do something fun that you'd want to try anyway. It's a win-win: even if your date isn't so great, you're still getting to spend time doing something you enjoy.

Try some of these summer date ideas:

Hit the water. Live near the ocean or a lake? Take a walk on the beach, or if you're feeling bold and the weather is warm, go for a swim. For the more adventurous, try renting a boat or kayak. When you're drying off, it's a good time to crack open a couple of beers and have a picnic on the sand.

Hiking and biking. If mountains are more your style, then take your date on a local hike or bike ride. Most cities have trails in parks or along the water even if they don't have mountains, so look for a nice place where you can wander rather than work out.

Outdoor movies. There's nothing quite like watching a classic Alfred Hitchcock or Marilyn Monroe movie under the stars. It's almost like a drive-in movie experience, and we know how sexy those can get. Take a large blanket, a couple of beach chairs, some picnic food, and a bottle of wine, and you're all set.

Walking your dogs. Are you both dog lovers? Then instead of meeting at a restaurant that doesn't allow pets, arrange to walk your dogs together, or take them to a dog beach or park. Sure, there's a chance the dogs might not get along, but what's more important is finding out if there's chemistry between you. The dogs will help break the ice.

Farmer's market and picnic. Fresh flowers, fruit and produce abound at farmer's markets this time of year. Take your date and wander around, collecting items that you could share on a picnic or cook together later on.

Food-hopping. Whether it's exploring a cool street with ethnic restaurants (Persian and Ethiopian are some of my favorites) or trying out the goods of local food trucks (Vietnamese burritos or Connecticut lobster rolls anyone?), don't limit yourself to one stop. Have a moveable feast, where you go to different restaurants for different courses. First stop, appetizers, next stop, tapas. Then off to another location for dessert or drinks.

Road trip. If you've been dating for a while and you're feeling a little adventurous, check out some hotspots outside of your own city. There's no need to spend a lot of money on a hotel - make it a day trip. Drive along the coast or through vineyards. See what makes your particular part of the country unique.

Happy summer!

It’s not surprising that we place a premium on common interests. Meet someone in person who shares your love of obscure mid-century cookware and you feel like you’ve found a long-lost best friend. When we say we “can’t find anyone we’re interested in” after a quick scan of an online dating site, it’s often based on whether we can easily find someone with those common interests. The question is, do we place too much emphasis on sharing common interests? Is that what makes a lasting relationship?

As with everything else, it probably depends on individuals involved. For example, not many adults are still super-fans of the teen idols they crushed over in high school; similarly, many hobbies and passions come and go. If someone who’s particularly fair-weather when it comes to their interests based their dating searches only on the flavor of the moment, chances are they’d eventually want to move on.

However, sometimes interests and hobbies can reveal a general personality type, even as the specifics come and go. Maybe you don’t still have the same favorite TV show as you did ten years ago, but you still love the same genre. Maybe you don’t follow bands around like you did in college, but you still enjoy live music. Unless you’re completely changing your personality with your hobbies, it might still be worth searching for those specifics. Some “interests,” like politics or religion, are actually more indicative of an entire world view - more than just a singular hobby.

But the real issue is that regardless of how your passions endure, the key is finding someone with whom you can grow and evolve. Many in long-term relationships find new hobbies over the years - and many of those new hobbies are separate, branching off into new territories, making new friends. Those relationships don’t necessarily collapse, because it’s the people who are compatible, not the interests.

So what can you do in the short term? Don’t stress if you don’t share every detail, or if you’re not pulling up any matches with an incredibly specific search term. Try to read the profile with the person in mind instead of a list of matched items. And don’t confuse shared interests with compatibility; after all, haven’t you met a fellow fan who drove you nuts?

Common interests are a great place to start, and immediately make you feel like you’re on the “same team,” but the true test of compatibility comes when you meet in person. Don’t be afraid to meet someone outside of your typical box - because maybe that box isn’t as important as you thought.