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4 Truths About Online Dating You Have To Accept

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  • Saturday, May 23 2015 @ 10:42 am
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I'm the optimistic sort, but in the face of online dating, even my normally unshakable optimism can start to quiver.

It's not that online dating is bad – far from it – but it isn't always easy. If you've been slogging through dead-end date after dead-end date, online dating might feel like a quick fix for a dull love life. You basically just put up a profile and go shopping for a significant other, right? How hard can it be to swipe until someone tickles your fancy?

Optimist Me says you might get lucky. You could come across someone who's perfect partner material right away and be an instant online dating success story. On the other hand, Realist Me knows those stories are rare, and you'll probably have your fair share of dating fails before you meet your dream date.

The hard part is not getting discouraged when you're in the failure stage. If there's anything that guarantees you won't be an online dating success story, it's giving up on online dating. It will have its hard moments, but it will also have its rewarding ones. Set your expectations accordingly by accepting these 4 online dating truths:

  1. Eventually you will run into someone you know. Even in a big city, this feels like an inevitability. It could be a Facebook friend. It could be a co-worker. It could even be a sibling. Try not to feel too awkward and move on. It's pretty much a fact of modern life that this will happen and everyone just has to get used to it.
  2. You will be ghosted. You've met someone you're into. You share a few messages back and forth, things seem like they're going well, and then... the person disappears, never to be heard from again. Is it polite? No. But is it the price of doing online dating business? Yes. It will happen, and when it does, you have to let it go and move on.
  3. Photos will lie. Everyone knows this is a risk with online dating, yet we still act surprised when it happens. Most people online are genuine, but there are plenty who use filters, strategic angles, careful lighting, and years-old photos to appear younger or more attractive. You'll get burned at some point, and the only response is to pick yourself up and carry on.
  4. A 99% match could be meaningless. Fancy algorithms sound like the key to Dating 2.0, but at the end of the day it's just guesswork. No algorithm (yet) gets it right all the time. Chemistry just isn't quantifiable. Dating sites do the best they can, but don't let it get you down if a person you thought was perfect on paper doesn't hold up in person.

3 Ways To Spring Clean Your Online Dating Profile

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  • Tuesday, April 21 2015 @ 06:31 am
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Your home isn't the only thing that could use a spring cleaning. While your home was collecting clutter and dust over the cold winter months, your online dating profile was doing exactly the same thing.

Metaphorically speaking, that is, unless for some reason you've left your laptop open and untouched since December.

Either way, your online dating profile is in need of an update and spring is the perfect time. Try the following tweaks:

  1. Add new interests. Odds are, you've changed since you first wrote your profile. You may have picked up a new hobby or dropped an old one during that time, meaning your profile is no longer an accurate representation of who you are. Comb through it to take out anything you aren't into and add anything new you've picked up. It's especially important to note activities you would enjoy doing with someone else, hint hint.
  2. Refresh your photos. Those pictures you put up 5 years ago when you first joined the site? Delete them. The first reason is obvious: you may not look like that any more. You would be disappointed to meet someone in person who looked nothing like their photos, so don't do the same to others. The second reason might be less obvious: new photos make you look like a new addition to the site. Potential dates who have seen your photos before will pass straight over you, but post new pictures and you may suddenly generate a wave of new interest.
  3. Expand your parameters. Give yourself the best opportunity to meet someone interesting by expanding your search. You think you have a “type” and perhaps you have a long list of deal breakers to go along with it, but being too specific is limiting. Look back on your online dating history. Have you been chasing after the same person with different names (and disappointing results)? If you've been fishing in that pond for a long time, it's time to find a new pond. Date possibilities will skyrocket once you venture out of your original comfort zone.

If none of that is drastic enough to suit your tastes, there's another option for your adventurous soul: rewrite your profile entirely. Scrap it all and start again. It's guaranteed to be a more up-to-date picture of who you are, and a revamped profile may even attract people who previously passed you over.

Your spring can't get any cleaner than that.

Seeing Familiar Faces on Tinder? Here’s Why.

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  • Monday, April 13 2015 @ 06:36 am
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A recent article in The Daily Beast brought up a question that has floated around the online dating community for a while – that is, how do you handle seeing someone you know on an online dating site or app?

For example, have you ever been matched with a co-worker on OkCupid? Or with an ex boyfriend on Hinge? Or with your engaged friend on Grindr? Or even your sister on Tinder? (Yes, this has happened to a few daters.)

Many people have experienced this strange mingling of their real lives and their online dating personas, but have different emotional reactions. While some might be mortified to be matched with a client or co-worker, others take it in stride as part of the online dating experience. Chances are, you are eventually going to run into someone you know if you swipe long enough. So the question becomes: how do you handle it?

In the case of being matched in a potentially awkward situation (say, with your co-worker), would you swipe right out of acknowledgment that you know each other (and the other person has probably already seen your profile on the dating app)? Does this send a confusing signal since you aren't interested? Or would you swipe left and hope that neither one of you brings it up at the next staff meeting?

While online dating might seem like meeting endless random strangers, it really is a lot closer to your existing circles than you might suppose. In the case of co-workers, it might be a good idea to decide what makes you more comfortable – having a good laugh about matching with each other at the next staff meeting, or swiping left and pretending you never saw each other on Tinder in the first place.

Dating apps are making it easier to reject potential matches without the other person knowing if you’ve even seen their profile. If you swipe left, the other person isn’t alerted – they just won’t be able to view your profile. The potentially awkward situation results from that person swiping right before you have had a chance to swipe left.

Some dating apps are addressing this problem by allowing users to filter out people they know in advance of being matched. OkCupid is rolling out some new features by the summer, one of which allows users to hide their profile by default, only to be seen by someone they actively “like” or message. OkCupid users will also have the option of using a Facebook account to block any of their friends that are also on OkCupid.

But does the real problem lie in potentially being matched with a client or your ex, or is it that people you know can see that you are single and looking for someone online? As far as we’ve come with accepting online dating, people can’t seem to get past its stigma. Maybe it’s time we all agree that our world is getting smaller with technology, and now is the time to accept our connectedness. After all, maybe your co-worker is a good match.

Read our Tinder review for more information on this popular dating app.

7 Surprising Facts About Online Dating

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  • Sunday, April 12 2015 @ 11:08 am
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Online dating is hard. Dating is hard, period. What could be weirder than two total strangers trying to become not-total strangers? Let's just say the potential for comedic (and not so) mishaps is high.

With all that weirdness waiting to be unleashed at any second, it's no surprise we're desperate for any tip, trick, or nugget of wisdom that might stave it off. We've studied some seriously strange things in the name of cracking the online dating code, and although some are as weird as the weirdness they're trying to prevent, they're always interesting.

Check out a few unusual online dating facts below. You're bound to be surprised by at least one.

  1. Men aren't into receiving short messages. Forget all the stereotypes about men hating it when women talk too much. A message from a woman to a man is 40% more likely to get a response if it's longer than a tweet (140 characters).
  2. Men are, however, into women who make the first move. Women are 73% more likely to get a response if they mention “dinner,” “drinks,” or “lunch.” Speaking of stereotypes, maybe the one about “the quickest way to a man's heart” is true.
  3. Online dating has a seasonal peak. The busiest time for online dating is between Christmas and Valentine's Day. According to Zoosk, the single most popular day is January 5, when 54% more people sign up.
  4. There's an art to using smileys. Put aside emojis for a second and go back to the good old days of the classic smiley. If you send one with a nose :-), you're 13% more likely to get a response. If your smiley is lacking that key facial feature :), it's 66% less likely to get a message back.
  5. Being active is attractive. Ok, maybe this one isn't so surprising, but it's still interesting. Wired made an infographic showing 380 of the 1,000 most commonly used words in profiles. Active, outdoorsy words like “surfing,” “skiing,” and “yoga” topped the list.
  6. People actually prefer selfies. Joke about selfies all you want, but they're shockingly effective if you're looking for a date. A Zoosk study found that 84% of people favor selfies over formal profile pictures.
  7. Too much online chit-chat can ruin a good thing. Because safety is a consideration when meeting a stranger over the Internet, you may think it's best to prolong the convo for as long as possible before meeting up in person. However, a 2013 study in the Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication suggests that too much communication could be problematic. The more you talk before a first date, the more time you have to idealize the person and the greater the risk of a letdown when you finally meet face-to-face.

This Is What Happens When Tinder Becomes A Platform For Experimental Art

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  • Tuesday, April 07 2015 @ 06:23 am
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For most people, Tinder is, at best, a chance to find a date and, at worst, an amusing diversion when standing in line or when there's nothing good on Netflix. But for artist and hacker Matthew Rothenberg, Tinder is an opportunity for an art project.

The project is called Swipe Left, and in it he inserts imagery of drone strikes and drone strike victims into the dating app. “For most of my career I've explored how real people and communities interact with technology,” Rothenberg writes on his website, “and all the messy things that happen when they do.”

That's exactly what this project does, although “messy” is a strong understatement. Rothenberg drew a complex connection between Tinder use and drone strikes. “The interface of Tinder is consciously reductionist,” he writes on Medium. “You get a name, age, and (sometimes) a very brief bio. The decision tree is binary: yes or no (or in Tinder UI, swipe right or left). No winks, nudges, or ratings. No bookmarking to come back later for decision. You have to make a decision in order to move on.”

Every decision made on Tinder is final. Accidentally swipe left on the love of your life, and they're gone for good. But, Tinder reminds you, there's a new potential love waiting just on the other side of that swipe. They're available immediately. There's no time for regret, remorse, reflection – the cycle continues instantly, and users are left feeling fine about the fact that they just reduced an incredibly complex thing – love – to a painfully simple activity.

And then there's drone strikes. Part of the reason they are so controversial is “the sense of dehumanized technology,” Rothenberg says. The kill list looks remarkably similar to something else: a list of members who meet a series of criteria, a photo, their age, a brief bio. In the end it's a simple binary decision. Yes or no. Swipe right or swipe left.

In both cases, the computer mediated user interface provides a distancing barrier between the viewer and an action. The barrier creates a sense of separation and encourages quick action. So what happens when New Yorkers find “drone strikes images interspersed with their continuous yes-and-no swiping to Tinder matches of shirtless-ab-photos and Instagram-filtered-art-selfies taken in the MoMA rain room?”

Well, the “what” isn't actually important, according to Rothenberg. He is uninterested in which way people swipe, merely the fact that they have to swipe. “How viewers choose to react is far less interesting to me than the fact that they’ve been forced into this situation to begin with,” he says. Any reaction at all is a valid and interesting data point for the Swipe Left project.

You Shouldn't Post Perfect Online Dating Photos And Here's The Mathematical Reason Why

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  • Sunday, March 29 2015 @ 09:45 am
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Everyone in online dating talks about how important the profile photo is. We try to act like looks don't matter as much as what's underneath – and although that's true in the long run, you're lying to yourself if you think looks don't matter at all. Picture yourself shopping. You don't purchase the products with subpar packaging; you go for the ones that look nice, regardless of which one is actually better.

Like it or not, we are all judging and being judged online. As you attempt to craft the perfect online dating profile, you'll be tempted to post the most exceptional pictures you can find. Competition is fierce on online dating sites, so the quickest road to standing out is looking the best you can, right?

Wrong, according to mathematician Hannah Fry. In a TED talk Fry discusses the mathematics of love and offers several tips for finding that special someone. Like most of life, love is full of patterns, she says. Mathematics can be used to study patterns, and therefore mathematics can give us insight into love.

“How attractive you are does not dictate how popular you are,” Fry explains. “And, actually, having people think that you're ugly can work to your advantage.” She shares a graph from OkCupid that plots measured attractiveness against messages received in the last month. Immediately it becomes clear that being considered highly attractive is not a guarantee you'll receive many messages.

What matters more, surprisingly, is that you divide opinion. To make sense of it, imagine being on the other end of things. In the first scenario, you're interested in someone and you suspect other people won't be very interested in them. This is a good situation, because it means less competition for you and more incentive to reach out.

If, on the other hand, you think the person you're into will be highly sought after, you may feel less motivated to contact them. The thought of so much competition – and a high likelihood of rejection – is a strong deterrent.

So, if you use a terrible photo, people will be put off. But, if you use a photo that's too attractive, people may feel like they don't have a chance with you. The best strategy, then, is to go for something in the middle ground. You want to be attractive without looking like you're out of reach.

Fry advises to embrace the things that make you different – whether it's a scar or a receding hairline – even if you think some people will find those qualities unattractive. The people who like you will like you anyway, and the people who don't weren't a match in the first place.

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