Advice

At one point, “Anastasia” decided that she was hopeless at dating. Online dating, she thought, would be better - she’d always expressed herself better through her writing.

Fast forward a few months, and Anastasia had now come to the complete opposite opinion. “It turns out maybe I wasn’t as bad in person as I thought,” she said. “I think I was just too shy to approach anyone. But once I’m chatting in person, I’m fine! Now, writing a profile, on the other hand - that was harder than I thought. I try too hard to be funny, and I’m just not funny when I’m writing. And I guess I’m not as fantastic a writer as I thought, because hardly anyone messages me. Nope, I’ll just be bolder in person.”

Two weeks later she was back again with a new decision. “Now I remember why I wanted to try online dating in the first place,” she said. “I don’t run into anyone I’m interested in, pretty much ever! Everyone at work is married, everyone in my building is married or under the age of twelve. There aren’t even any cute men who work at the grocery store! I think I must be the only person of my generation in a ten-mile radius.” What was she to do?

Ultimately, a little of everything, using knowledge from all of her experiences thus far. Anastasia knew that she needed to be more bold in person; turned out, that applied to online dating, as well. Instead of sitting back, waiting for people to message her, she started messaging them first. Instead of attempting to woo them via profile or email, she took the first step once again and suggested meeting up sooner rather than later.

She also knew that her profile was trying too hard and needed work. She paid better attention to what she enjoyed from the profiles of other people and attempted to apply it to her own profile. Anastasia said it wound up being much simpler than she thought: “All I really needed was the ability to say what I wanted to say, clearly and with correct spelling. I didn’t have to be the funniest person or the smartest. Just a cleaned-up, simplified version of my profile was good enough to get responses to my emails, and then from there we could meet. I guess it’s like the cliche of being yourself - I’m not as different as I thought I was, but I don’t have to be.”

Anastasia’s experience with online dating may be a little convoluted, but it’s not uncommon: we often start out with one mindset and notion, only to have to reassess later. Our perceived strengths and weaknesses change as we learn and grow. Anastasia’s real strength is that she didn’t give up; she kept learning from her experiences, even when she was wrong about something, and she kept moving forward. Are you as willing to learn about yourself?

Are you overwhelmed with all of the dating apps out there? It seems there are new ways of meeting people via technology cropping up every day. So what do you do with all the choices, especially if you're not so interested in playing a game of "hot or not" over an app like Tinder?

There's no need to worry. Technology can be used to your advantage, to help you meet more people than you'd otherwise run into going out to bars or parties. And don't forget - texting and social media can also help you improve your dating game.

Following are some ways to use technology to improve your social life:

Keep in touch via text. Did you meet someone incredible, or have an amazing first date? Don't let that spark fade - your mobile phone could be your best resource for keeping the romance going. Don't be afraid to send a text - but don't be generic by asking "how's your day?" Be creative. Make a reference to something you both said or did. Or send a photo of a place you talked about. This helps keep the conversation going, and provides a way to connect until the next time you see each other.

Check in on FourSquare, Yelp, or Facebook. In addition to getting deals from the restaurant or bar where you check in, you'll also let potential dates in your circles know where you like to hang out on weekends and evenings. Maybe you have the same places in common but didn't know it.

Use your online dating site's app. Signed up for Match.com or eHarmony? If you like these tried and true online dating sites, then download their apps, too. Because we are more mobile and carry our phones with us, daters can miss out on opportunities when they wait to check online matches at home or work. If you're staying engaged with matches through your phone, likely those opportunities for spontaneous coffee dates won't elude you. You never know.

Know what you're comfortable with, (and learn about what's out there). Apps like Grindr and Tinder can be daunting, especially if you're a single woman who doesn't want to be so accessible to strangers. But there are plenty of other dating apps that are more security-friendly. It's hard to fake a profile if you have to sign up with your Facebook account or verify with your mobile number. Apps like CoffeeMeetsBagel only provide one match per day, so you can rest assured people won't be trolling. Be open to learning what's out there and trying something new.

Making a good online impression is really an art. Do you consider yourself an online Casanova? Are you able to email with matches endlessly, but are too intimidated to ask for a real date? Let's face it. You know that at some point, the online interaction needs to cease and you should meet face to face, because how else are you going to see if you're really a match?

Some people are talented wordsmiths while others might not feel so comfortable writing as they do speaking to someone in person or over the phone. When it comes to online dating, this shouldn't matter. Because the last thing you want to do is correspond with potential online dates for weeks or months at a time, when you should be meeting them as quickly as possible.

Many people have asked me how long they should email before asking somebody out over an online dating site. I recognize that you are strangers and it's good to feel comfortable with someone before agreeing to meet in person. However, if you wait too long, you are missing out on some great opportunities.

Technology has kicked online and mobile dating into high gear. You don't have to be at home in front of your computer in order to message or meet someone. Now, you can reach them in seconds via your phone - through instant chat, mobile apps, or even Facebook and Twitter. This means that people are meeting each other all the time. So what's to stop them from asking someone else out on a date?

It used to be acceptable for people to correspond over email for weeks at a time before actually meeting in person. But now, people don't have the patience or inclination. It's much better if you ask somebody out after one or two emails, three at the most. If you wait much longer, you risk that person meeting and dating someone else. You also risk forming an emotional attachment to somebody you might not have chemistry with in person.

I have met several men who were amazing over email - witty, charming, engaging - but then when I met them in person it was like they were complete strangers. We didn't banter, or they didn't appear to be interested in me, or they weren't the type of man I pictured as we were writing each other. In other words, I had high expectations based on a picture in my mind. If I would have met them sooner, before I became smitten with them over email, my disappointment over our real-life encounter wouldn't have been so devastating.

The bottom line: Ask him/her out, sooner rather than later. If you get on well in person, there's nothing stopping you from exchanging some amazing emails with each other later.

For those new to online dating, one of the most frustrating aspects is the waiting. Specifically, waiting for a response after you’ve sent a first-contact email. It can be tempting to check your email over and over, particularly if your potential match is someone who really caught your eye. What you don’t realize at the beginning is that you might never get a response. Ever.

It can seem unnaturally cold; after all, you’ve gone through the trouble of writing a first-contact email, so why can’t they trouble themselves enough to send a “thanks, but no thanks”? Surely just knowing one way or the other is better than wondering, right?

Well, maybe, maybe not. You see, everyone is different, and everyone handles rejection (and doling out rejection themselves) differently. There are definite upsides to the “no news is bad news” scenario.

First of all, once you become familiar with the concept that a non-response is a negative one, it doesn’t seem quite so confusing or mean. Everyone else understands what this means; it’s just another way of saying no. You can interpret the strength of that no to whatever you’re comfortable with. After all, let’s consider the alternative - getting an email that clearly says they’re not interested:

Now you have to deal with tone. Is a “thanks but no thanks” trying to be gentle, or curt? Someone might feel they have to actually give a reason for their rejection; are you prepared to read something like, “Sorry, but you’re just too short/dark-haired/out of shape/ordinary”? No matter how polite the author tries to be, there’s a chance you’ll overanalyze each and every word, fretting over the smallest critique. There’s a reason cliches develop, and it’s partly because we don’t always want to hear a stream of consciousness.

Then there’s the awkward uncertainty of what to do next. Many people, after receiving a rejection email, feel compelled to write back. This is almost always a bad idea. Perhaps they’re arguing with the criticisms from the previous article, or trying to prove their not-so-potential-match wrong. They might be angry. Or maybe they just aren’t sure how to close the conversation, like a person on the phone who doesn’t know how to wrap up a call. Imagine you’re someone who’s sent a rejection email in the past, and then had people bargaining or arguing in return! Suddenly just ignoring a message you’re not interested in doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

The good news is, by understanding that a lack of an email is a no, you can adjust your own behavior accordingly. Instead of waiting by the keyboard for each individual response, you can move on and send more first-contact emails. Instead of spending extra energy wondering about the whys and reasons, you can understand that it’s best to move on. After all, a first-contact email is little more than a smile and a “hello;” why worry over every person who doesn’t smile back?

Remember what I said previously about the secret realities of online dating? Well, there's more where that came from.

If you want to make it through the online dating jungle with minimal fatigue, minimal heartbreak, and maximum fun and success, add these 4 truths about online dating to your list:

1. My dad's advice was right: You can please some people some of the time, but you can't please all people all of the time. There are some people who just won't be interested in you. And that's ok. (I mean...it sucks at first, but then it's ok.) You can't let it get you down or put you off online dating (or, if you're feeling really melodramatic, dating in general) forever. There are plenty of fish in the sea, even if that's not the site you're using.
2. As Dr. House would say, Everybody lies. It would be nice if it wasn't true, but we are never going to live in a world where everyone is honest, all the time. In fact, there's a good chance you're not honest all the time. You could say that everyone who stretches the truth is a jerk, but I think that's doing them a disservice. The question is: Why did they do it? Were they actually trying to be malicious, or is there a much less devious explanation? If they just needed a little help getting their foot in the door, consider cutting them some slack. That foot might be attached to someone awesome.
3. An online dating profile isn't as deep as you think it is. Every online dating site swears its profile goes more in-depth than any other site, or that its matching algorithm is more complex and accurate than any of the competition. Yes, dating services are constantly trying to improve the experience, and as online daters we try our best to create multifaceted pictures of who we are in our profiles, but the reality is that it will only ever be a one-dimensional representation of who we really are. Try to remember that what's on a person's page is just the tip of the iceberg.
4. Rules are definitely meant to be broken. A more appropriate name for this one might have been "Rules? What rules?" There are none anymore. You're probably abiding by all kinds of principles you think are important that really aren't. Email whoever you're interested in. Ask someone out if you want to meet them in person. Stop playing coy and forget about gender roles. Online dating is the perfect time to throw caution to the wind and take a flying leap out of your comfort zone.

In online dating, the profile is essentially the “first impression,” but what’s the point if no one sees it? Hence, the invention of the first-contact email. It serves as a pre-first impression; think of it as seeing someone from across a crowded room. Do you want to see a little eye contact and a smile that invites more, or some frantic waving that results in a fall off a bar stool? These are the images to keep in mind as you settle down to write a first-contact email.

In truth, writing such an email is much easier than most people think. It ought to be short - from around three sentences to a paragraph, say - and it shouldn’t be a generic copy and paste job. Since it’s so short, that doesn’t require much work; just a basic sentence or two that demonstrates you’ve actually read the profile (Like, “I see you like science fiction; what do you think of that remake that’s coming out?”) will already put you a cut above the rest.

Yet, many people lose their way when it comes to the first-contact email. Most commonly, they become self-centered when it comes time to write. Well, maybe that’s not surprising; the profile is mostly all about you, after all. But no one wants to open up an email with your life story; it’s like watching a TV show that’s all prologue and never actually advances the plot. An email is the beginning of a conversation, not a job application.

Plus, you might have already said all you need to in your profile. When you stray outside of that one-paragraph zone, chances are you’re going to start repeating information from your profile; once your potential match clicks over to actually read your profile, it’s going to sound redundant. Then you run the risk of appearing either self-absorbed or perhaps even dishonest (as in, you have your script and you’re sticking to it).

Thus, avoid all the hassle and potential miscommunication, and make it easy on yourself: stick to a short and sweet first-contact email. You might feel it’s formulaic - after all, it’s hard to reinvent the paragraph - but as long as you’re actually reading their profiles and asking a relevant question, you’re coming across as classic, not cliched. A non-offensive fist-contact email means they’ll check out your profile, and now the real conversation can begin. Why get in your own way?