Advice

If you’re new to online dating, you might have been surprised to learn that “No news is probably bad news.” If you send out a first-contact email, and haven’t heard anything back within a reasonable amount of time (say a week - not everyone lives to check their mail), chances are that’s a negative response. Hopefully, you were already emailing others and weren’t emotionally attached to the idea in the first place; not a big deal, as your attention is already elsewhere.

It can be jarring the first time you encounter it, but once you cotton on to that little online dating etiquette quirk, it’s not a problem. However, there are those who don’t fully grasp this rule of etiquette, and take it too far. They are the Vanishers.

You see, not responding to a first-contact email is sort of the equivalent of handing someone a slip of paper with your number on it and never getting a call. Maybe they lost it, maybe they met someone else, maybe they didn’t like you - whatever the reason, there was no commitment in the first place. It was an option for a beginning that was never taken.

Now, however, imagine that your email got a response, and you subsequently went on a first date - only to hear nothing after the fact. There’s no real-world dating equivalent here, because this is real-world dating. And just because you initially met via online dating, that doesn’t mean that the no-response-is-a-no etiquette quirk applies now.

Sure, you may not have made a commitment for a second date, but Vanishing now carries extra angst. All the usual questions apply - did something terrible happen to the Vanisher? Did they meet someone else? Are they unusually busy? Were they just not interested? - but now that you’ve met, they carry more weight than vague rhetorical musings. Actual ethical questions come up: What if something did happen and no one has missed your missing date yet? If you persist in calling, are you acting out of concern or just being overbearing?

The fact is, no one should have to deal with unnecessary responsibility or angst, when a simple “thanks, but no thanks” would clear up all the unanswered questions. Instead of Vanishing, be straightforward and firm. You don’t need to feel obligated to give specifics or present your case; after all, you’re not trying to convince your date that you’re not a good match. Just state that you aren’t interested.

Many people feel that Vanishing is kinder; they don’t want to be the bad guy. Instead, it just creates more questions, instead of clean closure. Plus, after turning down a further relationship, you’ll disappear anyway - why not do them a true kindness by providing closure before you go?

If you’re considering Vanishing after you’ve already been on a date, remember: you may not want to feel like the bad guy, but it’s considerably better than actually being the bad guy. Would you rather be free to move on to someone else, or deal with a mysterious Vanisher?

Let's face it: dating after a breakup of any kind isn't easy. Dating after a divorce is even harder. And online dating after divorce, especially if you've never dated online before, can be downright terrifying. Some of you will feel like throwing in the towel before you've even entered the ring.

But here's the good news: you're not the first person to date after a divorce, and you certainly won't be the last. The process doesn't have to be stressful if you don't want it to be (and why would you want it to be?).

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you want to date after a divorce without driving yourself insane:

1. Stop thinking that online dating is for losers. Seriously, this stereotype is getting old. It's well past time to bury it. These days you're practically in the minority if you haven't tried it. In no way is online dating a sign of failure - it's an awesome opportunity to meet people you never would have met otherwise.
2. Remember it's just a date and there are plenty more out there. In fact, you don't even have to think of it as dating. Just think of it as a chance to meet interesting new people. If you click - great. If you don't - no big deal. Never be afraid to say "next" if it doesn't feel right.
3. Do your best to manage your expectations. Be honest, because it's the right thing to do, but remember that not everyone else will be. That person who sounds perfect on paper might not be so perfect in person. On the other hand, take a chance on someone who doesn't sound quite right in the beginning - you never know who's going to surprise you.
4. Meet as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. It's easy to create a fantasy version of someone when you're chatting online. Don't waste weeks wrapped up in make-believe only to find out that you're not actually compatible in real life.
5. There's no rush. Take it slowly, even if you meet and hit it off right away. If this is the person for you, the bond will grow in its own time.
6. Have a sense of humor about it. Crazy things can happen when you're online dating. The experience will be so much more rewarding if you can laugh at the lunacy when it happens.
7. Don't go looking for your next spouse right away. Have fun DATING. If you only date to find the love of your life, you'll probably be disappointed most of the time. If you're also open to meeting a new friend, making a business contact, or just enjoying a few hours of conversation with someone new, you'll enjoy the process so much more.

For many of us, dating and romance missteps come early - incredibly early. The kindergartener who gets teased about his little friend, denies liking her vehemently - and hurts her feelings. The fourth grader who hasn’t thought about love at all, but is scandalized when she gets a note asking if she’ll be a girlfriend. And once we hit puberty, the cringeworthy moments are often and painful.

In fact, they’re probably much more painful than most of what we experience as adults. And yet, even though we’ve all got a story that we’d rather tell with our eyes closed, red from embarrassment, we didn’t give up on dating or love altogether.

However, that is the attitude many show to the concept of online dating. One laughably incompatible “recommended” profile, one bad date, and they’re ready to throw in the towel. It’s not unheard of for men and women to choose to leave a site altogether thanks to one subpar experience - and “subpar” here means something along the lines of “I recognized that match as a person I’ve met and disliked,” not “I was scammed for my family fortune.”

The truth of the matter is, we probably have worse encounters just going about our daily lives. In online dating, you can outright eliminate obviously incompatible people without ever having to contact them; that’s not so easily done in a bar or club. You can get a rough idea of the person you’re meeting before you’ve gone on that first date. When you choose to meet, you know you’re both there to assess your compatibility; you’re not playing some game of psychic chess, as you might on a date with a maybe-more-than-a-friend.

So what makes people so willing to give up on online dating altogether? Is it the fact that they have to really think about their own priorities and motivations? Is it that they have to be practical and proactive, instead of hoping they’ll be swept into a fairy tale? Are they wondering if others are judging them as harshly as they do?

Online dating doesn’t have to be some scary ordeal - in fact, it’s often much gentler than approaching someone “in the wild.” Before you move on to the next site or away from your computer altogether, ask yourself why - and whether it’s really worth giving up on an opportunity to find love.

If you’re on the fence about trying out online dating, here’s something you might not have considered: try finding a support system. And by “support system,” I mean someone who’s had success with online dating; someone who’s enthusiastic about it - a cheerleader, if you will.

The beginning stages of online dating are highly solitary and introspective; you’re writing a profile about yourself. You’re looking at profiles, but you’re not really interacting with anyone in real time. There’s plenty of time to get lost in your own thoughts and anxieties, over-analyze any response, and talk yourself out of messaging anyone in the first place.

Additionally, you might have a friend or family member who constantly gives you negative feedback - sending you links to urban legends and horror stories about online dating, or who dourly proclaims that they’d never involve a cold computer in their love life. Not exactly a positive environment.

The best way to combat outside negativity is to find an outside positive source. Maybe you have a friend who’d like to giggle their way through the construction of your profile. Maybe you’ve found a forum where a pro can advise you that just because you haven’t heard back from a potential match doesn’t mean you’re doomed in love. Online dating, like many other endeavors, has a bit of a learning curve and gets considerably less stressful as time goes on. Why not utilize the support and expertise of those who want to see you succeed?

Of course, it is always important to remember that you’re a unique individual, and what works for one person doesn’t always work for another; no one’s word is gospel. But in general, surrounding yourself, either online or in real life, with people who are positive and excited about online dating can make the entire endeavor considerably less nerve-wracking. Are you surrounded with naysayers or cheerleaders?

Despite the fact that online dating has become increasingly popular in recent years, traces of stigma remain. One such block to progress can be rather insidious; you might have encountered it and not even known it. It goes something like this: “I suppose I’ll try online dating. If nothing else, I’ll get some funny stories out of it.”

Now, on the one hand, this could be interpreted totally innocently: theoretically you could apply that logic to anything in life. Indeed, one could say that it’s a healthy perspective - that the journey, the “stories,” the lessons you’ve learned even on dates that don’t result in a long-term relationship, were what was most important.

However, that’s not really what everyone means when they say that, and the alternative is somewhat darker and more disturbing. For some, online dating is still viewed as something alien, not like “regular” dating at all. And they’re buying into a movie cliche: they think that if their little “experiment” fails, at least they’ll be entertained by whatever scum the site dredged up for them.

Granted, these are two interpretations on opposite ends of a spectrum; most people who make these statements probably fall somewhere in the middle. But leaning towards that “dark” end of the spectrum can be problematic, even subconsciously. On some level, they’re anticipating one of two outcomes: a date that’s out of a fairy tale, or a date that’s out of a comedy (someone to be mocked later). In either case, they’re not really thinking of their date as a unique human being; they’re thinking of them as someone who will fill one of two roles.

Most people don’t want to view others so callously, and in fact they may be resorting to that point of view as a defense mechanism - a caricature isn’t intimidating or worth getting nervous about. But even with a good person at the core, if you’re viewing your potential date as a caricature, how can you properly assess whether there’s chemistry? How can you be fully invested in the date?

The good news is, most people simply think of online dating in this way when they’re talking themselves into signing up or emailing. Once they’re actually in person on their date, they can see that they’re not playing some role, and they’re not reading from a predictable script; reality takes over naturally. But it doesn’t hurt to ask yourself, or others: how do you really view your prospective matches? Do you really appreciate the journey, or are you expecting - one way or the other - a movie cliche?

Sometimes when there are seemingly endless options available to us, making a decision can be difficult. Having too many choices can work against us - the more we have to choose from, the more overwhelmed we feel and the less informed choices we make.

Such is the case with online dating. While it brings us constant opportunities to meet new people, it can also give us a "grass is greener" complex. Here's how it works: No matter how great the person is sitting across from you, you think there might be somebody else who's even better. So you don't pursue this woman you find so attractive simply because you want to keep your options open. Instead, you go back to your online search and look for more matches to contact, more dates to pursue. You've become a serial online dater.

While this might make dating more exciting, you're making a sacrifice - you're actively choosing not to pursue or cultivate a relationship. Until you decide to stop your endless search and focus on the person sitting across from you, you'll never get to the relationship part of dating.

It's pretty easy to go online and search for dates, so it's no wonder some of us use online dating to avoid any type of commitment. Especially if you're heart is broken. Maybe you feel like the people you love cheat or abandon you, so why would your date be any different? The problem is, if you don't give someone a real chance, then you'll never find out if it can be different.

If you're a serial dater, you also might be thinking that you just haven't met "the one" yet - the elusive woman or man who sweeps you off your feet, who is so much more beautiful, successful, adventurous, funny, etc. than anyone you've dated so far. It's just a matter of time, right? Not so much. The truth is, you're not giving the people you're meeting a real chance. You haven't taken the time to get to know them and see if there is a real connection. Instead, you're relying only on chemistry or infatuation or unrealistic expectations, which aren't great barometers of long-term relationship success.

And if you are constantly analyzing your dates, looking for faults? You'll never find that "perfect" person, because everyone comes with some sort of history or baggage or preconceived notions, including you. It's important to be honest with ourselves about who we are and what we bring to the table, faults, weaknesses, strengths and abilities. We are all wonderful in unique ways, and we are also human beings.

Instead of serial dating, try making a real effort with the next person you ask out. It could make all the difference.