Advice

Some people causally use terms of endearment. Everyone is a “sweetie,” a “hon,” a “dear.” These rare people manage to use such terms with people they’ve just met - and, even more surprisingly, they never come off as condescending. There’s just something in the tone, in the expression: not a hint of malice.

However, if those very same people were to write a profile or a first-contact email, and they didn’t make any modifications, they’d quite possibly come off as annoying, patronizing or even offensive.

The issue is similar to that of using humor in a profile: you lose so much when you erase the tone of voice, timing, or facial expression that it’s easy to get the wrong idea. It’s true that some people can get away with using affectionate titles at first meet - but that’s because they’re using the entire package, not just the words themselves.

Furthermore, a first meeting in person is just not the same as a first-contact email. Even in person, simply standing in the same room is not a free pass to get familiar. Using an affectionate nickname at the end of a night of conversation is one thing; putting your arm around someone and calling them “sweetie” before you’ve even been introduced is quite another.

That’s essentially what you’re doing when you start a first-contact email in a way that’s overly familiar; you’re jumping over natural steps, forcing a connection when there isn’t one yet. No matter how compellingly a profile is written, you can’t really know someone until you’ve met in person for at least some amount of time. And, equally importantly, they can’t really know you. Not yet.

In person you may well feel an instant connection, like you’ve known each other for years. You may move more cautiously, taking things slow, revealing more of yourself when you’re ready. You may find that you’re on a date with a pleasant person and nothing more. The key is, you won’t really know if calling someone “hon” is appropriate until you’ve met. And honestly, even then, not everyone really is a “hon.” Some names fit better than others, and your date doesn’t want to be a one-size-fits-all.

So as you write your first-contact emails, remember that you’re dealing with a stranger, no matter how inviting their profile was. You can be warm and friendly, yet still polite and appropriate. There’s plenty of time to get familiar later; enjoy this stage as well.

We spend a lot of time thinking about what to put in our online dating profiles. After all, we’re trying to encapsulate our entire personality, with multiple facets, into a few paragraphs. It’s a task we take seriously, so perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise that our profiles can get a little, well, serious.

So much of online dating is actually introspective: what am I really looking for? What kind of person am I, really? What are my strengths and weaknesses? This type of thought is truly a positive thing, and a wonderful way to let you figure out your priorities and send you on the path to a successful relationship. That being said, while it can be an excellent writing exercise, your deep thoughts do not have to be on your profile, published for the world to see.

Here’s the thing: no one’s expecting to have a life-changing moment from a profile. They’re not going to have an epiphany about life, or fall instantly in love. In fact, you don’t want someone to fall instantly in love with your writing; you want them to fall in love with you, when you meet in person. The writing’s just to reassure them that you sound like you might have a good time together if you meet.

This is, incidentally, the reason why you also strive to keep a first-contact email short and sweet. Too long and you’re likely trying to forge a connection that doesn’t need to be there yet. By limiting the first-contact email to a few sentences, you’re forced to keep the content light and fun.

You can’t predict whether you’ll ultimately have chemistry with a given person, so when you’re agreeing to that first date, would you rather have fun, or be greeted with intensity and probing questions? The profile is hinting that the date will go one way or the other.

So as you write your profile and first-contact emails, try to keep the gloom, doom and introspection to a minimum. It doesn’t mean you’re presenting a shallow facade, nor do you have to change your actual behavior. Think of it this way: working through problems in therapy is wonderful - but you don’t need to relay every step of that on your profile, either. Why not let readers see the polished, enlightened final product instead?

Imagine you’re walking down the street and someone catches your eye. In this imaginary world, you’re somehow able to know that they’re unattached and looking for love themselves. They might not be model caliber, but they look attractive enough and pleasant, and they’re carrying or wearing something that indicates you even have common interests.

But just as you’re about to make your move, someone else reaches the intersection. They, too, are single. There are no indicators of common interests - in fact, they’re about as far from your general “type” as can be - but they’re incredibly attractive. Who do you approach?

Chances are, regardless of who you choose, the attractiveness of the first option has somewhat paled. They aren’t any uglier than they were a few moments ago, but now they’re stacked up against this competition! Who can compete?

This same scenario can play out with online dating. The obvious perk of online dating is that there are plenty of options, including very attractive people. The downside, however, is that people who might have been perfectly acceptable before are now being compared against the more attractive (even if you aren’t compatible with them).

The good news is that you don’t have to choose between the two options. You can send first-contact messages to both types of people, and anyone else in-between; after all, online dating is a perfect way to try to date people outside your typical box.

The trick, though, is to consider each possible relationship on its own merits. You’re not going to be able to create some frankenstein perfect date out of traits from various people, so don’t compare them against each other. Contrasting two people who are both interested and viable potential partners is one thing; wishing one date had the wit of Option #2 and the face of Option #3 is something else. What you’re looking for is an overall spark. Do you enjoy being with this person more than the others?

Some people are easily able to compartmentalize each dating experience, but it’s not for everyone. If you think you might have a harder time considering each date individually, it might not hurt to alter your behavior accordingly. Try to limit the number of people to whom you send first-contact messages, so you can keep them straight. Once you’re meeting up for a date, try to stick to dating only one or two people at a time. It might be a slower process than some - but by giving each date the consideration they deserve, you’re raising the chances that you won’t miss out on someone great just because they’re another face in the crowd.

There are two common problems in online dating profiles. The first is sarcasm; the second is blunt honesty. Neither of these are a surprise; what is a surprise is that they’re essentially the same problem - with a very similar solution.

There’s nothing wrong with the concept of sarcasm in general. Dry wit can be very funny, and usually when people call themselves sarcastic they’re envisioning a sense of humor that is smart and sharp and, well, funnier than most people. They likely view it as an asset.

However, that’s not always the actual message they’re sending. “Sarcasm” can be abrasive, hurtful, and cynical. It can be a way for someone to be out-and-out mean whilst trying to avoid any consequences (“Sheesh, don’t you understand sarcasm?”). And even if they temper the sharp edges of their humor in person, it can often seem worse on a profile - you’re lacking the kind eyes, the softer delivery, the smile or goofy face, the tone of voice. Everything seems harder in writing.

Honesty is much the same. In general, honesty is a wonderful quality to have. Those who are honest are generally proud of it. They see themselves as genuine, compassionate, someone with integrity.

But honesty can be misused as well, and it can come across negatively on a profile - again because you’re lacking additional context. Perhaps the writer has the best “bedside manner” when it comes to delivering a hard truth, but all you see in the profile is, “I’m not afraid to tell it like it is.” In person, you might believe that someone really cares and respects their friends and the greater truth; on paper, they might look more like someone who enjoys delivering painful news.

Both qualities can come across as harsher than intended on a profile, because they’re both subtle arts - skills that require sensitivity, elements of tone and facial expression. You can’t really include that in a profile. However, if these are qualities that really help define you - ones that you absolutely must talk about - try to soften the writing as much as humanly possible. It may seem like overkill, but your true sense of humor or genuine personality will probably be immediately apparent upon meeting; try not to shoot yourself in the foot first, with a profile that’s less compassionate or funny than you intended.

In the working world, you hear a lot about networking and reputation. The Golden Rule of treating others as you’d like to be treated frequently comes into play, and you can often actually witness the consequences; no one wants to suddenly work under the co-worker they were badmouthing.

What many don’t realize is that reputation can matter in the dating world as well. Even a mid-sized city can feel like a small town at times; when you start filtering for age, interests, and education level, chances are you’re looking at a pool of potential matches that is very similar to the ones your friends are seeing. Thus, even if a potential match is a stranger to you, that doesn’t mean you don’t know someone who’s met or even dated them before. And as we all know, people like to talk about their dating experiences, the good and the bad.

With online dating being somewhat anonymous, it can lead some to make questionable choices - such as the lewd first-contact message or the incredibly hostile response to a rejection. Those people think they’re behaving in a vacuum; they think they can throw a temper tantrum and move on to their next potential match consequence-free. In truth, that’s not always the case.

Not everyone throws fits and writes obscenity-laden messages, but it’s a good lesson to bear in mind just the same. Depending on your personal circumstance, the dating world can indeed be small, and people do like to talk. So when you’re telling your own “horror stories,” remember that you might be talking to someone who’s already heard the story from someone they know. Even if they don’t know your “ex-date,” trashing someone else can make your date wonder if you’ll do the same to them. Unless you’re talking about someone truly offensive or abusive, it might be best to follow that Golden Rule, and keep your tales to yourself.

Not everyone is compatible, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remain on our best behavior just the same. In addition to the fact that it’s simply the kindest way to behave, it can have incredibly personal, tangible rewards - or consequences.

The great thing about online dating is that it opens up the opportunity to meet millions of people you never would have met otherwise.

The downside to online dating is that it opens up the opportunity to meet millions of people you never would have met otherwise. It's hard enough to choose a mate in real life - how can you possibly be expected to choose one when the digital pool you're picking from is so vast?

Enter the solution: niche dating sites. Online dating giants like Match and eHarmony may have the greatest name recognition, but niche dating sites are rapidly finding their way into the spotlight. Here's why:

1. You already have common ground. One of the hardest things about online dating - and about dating in general - is getting the conversation started. On nice dating sites, you already know you have at least one thing in common. No need to stress out about coming up with the perfect conversation starter.
2. Quality over quantity. Yes, the number of options on a niche dating site will be smaller than the number of options on a major dating site, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's easy to get lost in the crowd on a big dating site, but on a niche site you could easily find yourself connecting with someone you missed the first time around.
3. Passion is encouraged. Maybe you hesitated to talk about your sci-fi obsession, religious beliefs, or committed vegan lifestyle on your OkCupid profile for fear of scaring away potential dates. But on a niche dating site, you're supposed to bond over your passions, hobbies, and beliefs. You can be who you really are, and meet interesting people while doing it.
4. Having fewer options is actually a good thing. Remember what I said about how hard it is to make a decision when you have so many options? That's actually a scientifically proven fact. Research done at Northwestern University found that being presented with too many possibilities can actually make it more difficult for you to pick one. The fact that niche dating sites have fewer members might actually work in your favor.
5. They get to the root of compatibility. 81% of singles agree that sharing an interest in the same activities is one of the most important factors in a successful relationship. It's not that you can't find that on a major online dating site, it's just that niche dating sites have already done a lot of the hard work for you.

Does all that mean you should delete your Match.com profile immediately? Of course not. But you should consider adding a niche dating site to your online dating regimen. You never know where your next love might be hiding.