Advice

Katy Perry recently revealed to Vogue that her break-up with Russell Brand happened via a text message - one that he sent to announce he was filing for divorce. And while she admitted she made mistakes that contributed to its demise, she also realized in retrospect that Brand was very controlling.

"At first when I met him he wanted an equal, and I think a lot of times strong men do want an equal, but then they get that equal and they're like, I can't handle the equalness. He didn't like the atmosphere of me being the boss on tour. So that was really hurtful, and it was very controlling, which was upsetting," she explained to Vogue.

Katy Perry's experience sheds light on something that many people don't consider when entering into a romantic relationship - that one partner may be too controlling, which leads to conflict, self doubt, and a lot of frustration. But it isn't always obvious when you're in love. You may tend to make excuses for your partner or ignore the warning signs.

So how can you be sure you're not dating someone who's too controlling? Here are a few red flags to consider:

He's inflexible. Does he normally get his way when you are making plans, or is it a joint effort? If he's really considering your opinion and feelings, he will listen and try to come up with a solution that makes both of you happy. If he makes you feel guilty and claims you're being unreasonable most of the time, this is a red flag. Don't ignore it. Speak up and let him know your opinion matters.

He has poor communication skills. Some men aren't very emotionally open, and as a result they feel powerless when they are in love. In order to take back some control, they assert themselves when they should be partnering. If your man doesn't want to discuss issues you face, and directs you instead, it's time to address your concerns.

He's possessive. Does he sulk when you go out with your girlfriends instead of him? Does he get angry when you make a decision without his consent, even if it doesn't involve him? If he makes you feel bad for making choices independent of him, then consider it a problem.

He has no accountability. He places blame on other people, including you, because he isn't willing to look at himself. This is common - we tend to blame other people, circumstances, etc. instead of seeing how we contributed to the problem, and what we can do to change things. If he's not willing to look at himself, then maybe it's time to move on.

There was a recent article in Glamour discussing what it means to be "high maintenance." Many of us associate this term with negative images - women who date men for money and/or power, or who spend their lunch hours at the salon getting facials and massages, or who demand way too much in their relationships, making their men run.

Unfortunately, as the article states, women also tend to think asking for anything in a relationship would be considered "high maintenance" to a man. This includes basic courtesies, like calling back in a timely manner or making plans a couple of days in advance instead of receiving a last minute text to "hang out."

Many women go into new relationships trying to play the "cool" girlfriend by not asking for anything, even though they grow increasingly unhappy and frustrated as the relationship progresses (or doesn't progress). They are afraid to have difficult conversations with their dates. They don't want to tell their man how they feel for fear of being rejected outright. So they keep treading along hoping for things to change. This isn't healthy for any relationship. In fact, most of these relationships fizzle. But the emotional heartache could have been prevented had they stood up for what they wanted earlier in the relationship.

For example, let's say Laurie has been dating a man pretty regularly for three months. They have a great time together, laugh a lot, and she feels incredibly attracted to him. He can be sweet and romantic sometimes, surprising her with flowers or a nice dinner out. But many nights she wonders if he's going to call, or who he's with, or when she will meet any of his friends.

Laurie doesn't want to ask him how he feels. She's frightened that her admission of wanting to be more serious will make him bolt. She would rather keep dating him and enjoying their time together, hoping eventually he will ask her to be exclusive. Four months later, she's still waiting and growing increasingly confused and distraught. He calls less, he's still unpredictable, but he continues to date her.

In this example, Laurie isn't getting what she wants, and until she's willing to change things, it will continue down the same path until he breaks things off with her.

It is important to be courageous when you're dealing with your heart. If a man isn't giving you what you want or need in terms of a relationship, then it is up to you to tell him. He isn't the one in control here - both of you are equals in the relationship. Both of you deserve to have what you want. And if you can't get it with each other, you deserve to know and move on.

Asking for what you want isn't high maintenance. It's the road to a healthy relationship.

Chances are, if you’ve read any tips about online dating, you’ve something about being positive. Over time, the word starts to lose meaning. Is it just a buzzword? Is the idea that “positive is attracted to positive” just some New Age concept? After all, it doesn’t work with magnets.

But the truth is, even if it sounds a little funny or like some affirmation, staying positive is a great state to be in if you’re planning on forging relationships. It can even make you more attractive to others. Here are a few concrete ways to put this concept in action:

First, try to bond over something you both love, not something you both hate. Yes, it might be funny to make fun of that pop music star together, but being cynical and judgmental all the time becomes tiring - both for you and others. And if a relationship is founded on being just that, you’d better find something else in common before the foundation collapses. Much easier to focus on the things you like together from the very beginning.

Furthermore, emotions really can seem contagious - people naturally want to be around someone who lifts them up instead of someone who drags them down. While, yes, everyone has good and bad days, and every relationship takes turns being the cheerleader, even keeping a vague goal of positivity in your mind can remind you to try to see the glass half full.

To lift yourself up, try making a conscious effort to surround yourself with the people, actions and things that make you happy. This is why you might hear a suggestion to join a club or volunteer doing something you love - not just because other people are there, but because if you’re doing something you love, you’re possibly feeling your best. Then you might meet someone else who’s also at their best, and also shares a common interest. Even if you don’t meet a potential love interest, though, you’ve spent time having fun, being social and maybe even enriching yourself. Meeting a date is just a great bonus!

A funny thing can happen when you’re actively working on being more positive and recognizing the things in life that make you happy: you might actually become more positive and happy. This can potentially start a chain reaction - your confidence might rise naturally, which in turn makes you more attractive. You might gain clarity in the type of person you’d like to be with, which focuses your search abilities and makes it easier to let go of people who aren’t really compatible.

Focusing on positivity isn’t some New Age magic, and it’s not guaranteed that it will be life-changing. However, with pretty much zero bad side effects, why not give it a shot and see if it helps?

Imagine you see this while you’re perusing online dating profiles: “I’m ultimately looking for a long-term relationship, but I’m fine with something that is lower-pressure, too. I’m cool with whatever, no expectations or demands.” How would you interpret that statement?

Some might think that the writer of that profile was looking for an attachment-free hookup, a one-night stand. “No expectations or demands” is interpreted to mean “no expectations that this will go anywhere or demands on your time or emotions.” In fact, this is probably the more common interpretation of this statement; most readers will assume that’s what the author means when they’re “cool with whatever.”

However, there’s another possible meaning behind that statement - that instead of feeling the pressure to date and get into a physical relationship, the author is fine with friendship. “No expectations or demands” is meant physically. It’s definitely a less common interpretation, and actually there’s even a third option: that the author is including both possibilities and literally are open to relationships in any form. In this instance, however, “friendship instead of dating” was actually what the author meant when they wrote it! Imagine their surprise when most of the messages they received dealt with one-night stands!

It just goes to show that even the most carefully worded profile can suffer from blind spots. If you’re receiving indications that something isn’t adding up, don’t be afraid to call in friends or family for a second opinion and an extra set of eyes. Perhaps if the author in question had run their profile past someone else, this ambiguous statement would have been caught early on. There’s no need to over-proofread your profile, but if things aren’t going your way, it might help to ask yourself: are you sending the messages you think you are?

Hosting speed dating events taught me many things. Most importantly, it taught me that men were brave - they put their fears and insecurities aside to show up and give themselves a chance to find love.

Unfortunately, many of the men I met were also misguided. They were so wrapped up in giving off a good impression and "winning" over the single women at each event that they failed to really pay attention to each individual. Instead, they were reciting a list of accomplishments or talking about their careers. The more I observed, the more I wanted to intervene. Women's eyes would glaze over. They would look at their watches, at the bar, anywhere else. They weren't interested at all.

Sure, maybe these women weren't attracted to some of these men at the speed dating events. But more importantly, the men weren't really paying attention. They didn't know when a woman lost interest.

If you meet a woman you find attractive and wonder if she's attracted to you too, the following tips can help you decide:

She returns your calls and texts. This might seem obvious, but it's not. We often make excuses as to why people aren't keeping in touch. But really, if she's interested she will reach out, even if it's a quick minute to check in and say hello.

She doesn't make excuses, she makes time. Have you ever tried to date a woman who kept canceling or rescheduling plans, because she got too busy with work, friends, or family obligations? Stop asking her out. If she isn't making time to see you, she isn't all that interested.

She doesn't pull away. I'm not recommending any man be sexually aggressive or assertive here. But touch is a good indicator of mutual attraction. If you touch her arm lightly or grab her hand and she doesn't pull away, or she grabs your hand, then you know she's interested.

She leans forward and makes eye contact. Many women speak volumes with body language. If she has her arms folded across her chest or sits back in her chair, she is disengaging from you. However, if she leans forward in her chair, makes a lot of eye contact, and really listens and responds to what you're saying, then she's interested.

She flirts. This might sound simple, too, but there's a difference between polite laughter and conversation and flirtatious banter. It's important to know the difference. Many women are non-confrontational, and they will be polite and cheerful until the end of a date, even if they don't see you as a good match. Please don't mistake kindness for interest. If a woman is really into you, she will flirt, engage, and ask what you're up to on the weekend, and make a point of wanting to see you again. So flirt in return if the feeling is mutual!

Everyone knows that mutual respect is desired, appreciated, even required when it comes to choosing a partner. However, while we can likely identify respect (or a lack thereof) as it applies to us, we might not always remember the many little ways we can display respect for our partner. Here are just a few:

The easiest way to demonstrate respect for others is simply to listen to what they have to say - and remember it. No, you don’t have to become a walking encyclopedia of every bit of trivia your date imparts, but you should aim for at least a passing grade if you were to be given a pop quiz on the evening’s conversation. This goes double if the trivia in question is an answer to a question you asked; asking a question and not listening to the answer proves you’re not really interested in what your date has to say.

Again, you don’t have to remember every tiny scrap of information; however, remembering a small detail and bringing it up later is a considerate move that goes a long way. Maybe on the second date, you bring a movie you both had said you were interested in seeing. Maybe you heard their cat was sick, so you text them the next day to ask how the cat is doing. There’s no need to go overboard with “inside jokes” or the recollection of facts and figures, but a small gesture is a good way to indicate that your date left a big impression.

Basic common courtesy never goes out of style - and it’s gender-neutral. Opening doors, offering to grab drinks for the two of you, asking about their day before starting in on yours - these are simple manners, but when you’re stressed on on a first or second date, they might be actions that slip your mind. Keeping your mind where it should be - focused on your date - can actually help calm your nerves, as well.

Not only should you listen to your date’s responses - you should respect them, as well. For example, if they say they don’t like a certain food, don’t order it anyway and tell them they’ll “love it this way.” If they tell you what their favorite movie is, don’t mock their choice. No, you don’t have to agree all the time, but over-the-top criticism - or, worse, outright ignoring their opinions - should be a red flag to you as well as to them.

Showing basic respect is likely something that’s already ingrained in your behavior. However, when the pressure mounts on a first date, it can be helpful to remember that making a good impression can be as simple as displaying good manners and common courtesy. Focusing on such basic qualities as respect, instead of stressing about, say, your hair, directs your energy in a far more useful direction.