Advice

Dating is full of clichés, and online dating is even worse. If I see one more person who describes themselves as “fun” or says they like “hanging out with friends” (or, God forbid, that they like “candlelit dinners and long walks on the beach”) I am going to throw my laptop out the window in a fit of rage. Could you possibly be any more boring?

Most online clichés should be ignored, but there’s one overused online dating phrase that’s worth paying attention to: “no drama.”

Yes, it sounds incredibly annoying and to be honest I would probably never date someone who used it. That being said, I do think it has value. We all like to complain about the drama others bring into our lives, but when was the last time you stopped to ask yourself if you’re the reason there's drama in your relationships? If you find yourself in bad relationship after bad relationship, it's time to face the music: the common denominator is you.

Next time you see an online dating profile that says drama queens need not apply, ask yourself a few questions:

• Are you ready to have fun? If a new relationship is coming directly on the heels of the previous one, you may not have given your self sufficient time to heal. On the other hand, if it's been forever since you last dipped your toes in the dating pool, you might be feeling totally lost. Getting back into the swing of things means being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sometimes you’ll be rejected. Sometimes someone you're interested in will simply disappear. Sometimes a date will go totally haywire. If you're not ready to face every eventuality – and have fun while doing it - there's a good chance drama will follow.
• How confident are you? Dating isn't always easy. In fact, it can be downright brutal. Things will happen that will make you forget how totally awesome you are. The minute your confidence takes a hit, you start behaving in ways that sink it even further. Low self-esteem leads to neediness, to dependency, and to attention-seeking behavior. When you don't feel good about yourself internally, you'll find yourself desperately seeking external validation. None of this is healthy. None of this is attractive. And all of it = drama.
• Have you fully moved on from your last relationship? Hello, drama central! One of the easiest ways to doom a relationship is to enter it before you're ready. It’s never smart to start dating right away after the end of a relationship. It might feel like a fix, but that fix is only temporary. You’ll end up dragging the baggage from the previous relationship over to the new one, dooming things with your new date from the very beginning. When a relationship ends, stay single until you're ready to date again with confidence, happiness, an open heart, and absolutely zero ex drama.

Many singles have tried at least one online dating site. Some have found success right away while others get frustrated and wonder why they decided to try online dating in the first place. Unfortunately, many people don’t know all of the options available, or one dating site might work better for them than another.

There is a lot of competition among online dating sites, but most people flock to the few they know, like Match.com. But it’s important to first ask yourself before you sign up: what do I want out of my dating experience?

People date for different reasons, and the same goes for online dating. Not every member is interested in finding a long-term relationship. So it’s good to ask yourself if you just want to date and have fun, or if you’re looking to meet someone special and settle down. Your intention is an important part of your dating experience.

Next, you have to know yourself. Are you very shy? Are you more at ease on a date where you’re doing something together rather than sitting across the table from each other? Or are you really confident and slightly intimidating? Do you know what you want and you’re not afraid to say it?

People date differently – some go into it like a job interview, asking questions and checking boxes off of their “must-haves” list. People place importance on different things – like religious beliefs, career, location, or even how close you are with your family. Others are a little less choosy, and go from date to date unsure of what they want but recognizing that they aren’t meeting the “right one.”

This is why it’s important to ask yourself these questions. From there, you can try a few different dating sites to see what’s right for you.

If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then eHarmony or Chemistry are your best bet. They have a significant number of members to choose from, and you have to go through a pretty rigorous and time-consuming sign-up process before you can search through matches. So from the start, people on the site are a little more serious than your average online dater. But I would also suggest Christian Mingle or a niche dating site if you have particular beliefs that are most important to you when looking for a partner. Again: know yourself and what you want.

If you’re looking to dip your toe back in the dating pool after a long absence, but aren’t sure if you want a long-term relationship, then sites like Match and OkCupid are a little less intense than the relationship-focused sites. They also have a large subscriber base and so you can meet a variety of people. Keep your options open if you’re unsure. Date outside of your “type.”

I suggest trying two or three sites and seeing which format you like best. Most sites offer a free trial period so you can at least set up a profile and check matches. It’s worth the time to really look and see what’s right for you.

Sometimes it feels like online dating involves more rules and regulations then meeting the Queen of England. There’s a little less bowing and way fewer “Your Majesty’s,” but on the whole online dating etiquette is totally insane. Just when you think it couldn't possibly get harder than dating someone in real life, the Internet swoops in and dumped a bunch of new rules on you.

There's no shortage of dating experts discussing the do's and don'ts of that pivotal first message, but that's where the communication advice tends to end. Unfortunately, that's also where a lot of the communication itself tends to end. You send a message, you never hear back, and that's it. Done. Finito. Fin. Game over.

That leaves a big question hovering in the air, one that could have a huge impact on what actually happens in your romantic life: is it ever okay to send a second message if you didn't get a response to the first?

The messages daters hear are seriously conflicting. On one hand, we are inundated with tales of (mostly) women who are sick and tired of overly persistent admirers. On the other hand, we're told to go after what we want and that persistence is rewarded. So which is it? Is no response a nonnegotiable snub, or is it possible for a suitor to score on a second try?

Speaking as someone who's typically on the receiving end of messages, there are several reasons someone might not respond:

1. First, and most obviously, they might just not be that into you. A non-response does, in some situations, mean a polite “no.”
2. On the other hand, maybe the person's dance card is temporarily too full. Online daters often juggle multiple suitors at once, which takes up a lot of mental bandwidth. Perhaps you just caught them at a bad moment, when they had neither the time nor the mental capacity to add another person to their schedule.
3. On the other other hand, they might not yet be convinced that you're the one for them. A little pursuit – provided you actually have something interesting, engaging, and thoughtful to say – might be what it takes to move them off the fence and onto a date with you.
4. On the other other other hand, it could be purely accidental. It's easy to see a message and forget to respond to it. We’re all busy and important (at least in our own heads), so it's hardly surprising that sometimes a message slips straight out of our minds.

Out of all the possible reasons for a message to go un-answered, only one is based on actual, unambiguous disinterest. The rest are all up for interpretation, so what does it hurt to send a follow-up? At worst nothing changes, and at best you might meet someone amazing.

When you’re online dating, it’s important to be realistic about who you are and what you want. It’s also important to know when you’re carrying baggage along from past dates or relationships.

But let’s face it - it’s hard to be objective about our love lives. After all, our experiences shape our world. If we encounter people who don’t treat us well, or who take advantage or betray us, or otherwise disappoint, we start to look for evidence in each new person of how they might let us down, too.

This kind of emotional baggage is something all of us have. Whether it stems from the break-up of a long-term relationship or a series of potential partners letting us down, we can carry those hurts along with us. We make them part of our story. And we do our best to avoid engaging with these types of people again. Or at least, we try.

I've met a lot of very attractive women who have come through a divorce or break-up looking to meet someone new. The problem? The men who are their ages (in their 40s and 50s) seem to want to date younger women only.

Many women wonder why this is. After all, they aren't looking at only younger men. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

There is an element of truth to this notion: many men do prefer to date younger women, and we see this reflected in TV shows and movies. It's not a problem for a man to date someone half his age, and in fact it's expected. Maybe it's due to biology, or maybe he just wants to ignore his own aging process.

There's also a certain amount of relief in dating a younger woman because she likely doesn't have the baggage that an older woman does. Chances are he looks for simplicity above all else - a woman who has no children, not much debt, or no messy break-up that has taken a toll on her psyche and finances.

So then we wonder - is it possible to find older men who are interested in women their own age?

Absolutely. Just because you've noticed a pattern in your own life or among your friends (or even in a Hollywood movie) doesn't mean that it is true for everyone. There are many single men in the world, and a lot of them enjoy the company of women their own age. You just have to know where to look and what to look for.

First of all, it might be time to refresh your online dating profile. Make sure you are focusing on what you want to bring into your life, not on what has happened in the past. Mention your interests, your career, or whatever makes you happy - and let that be the tone with which you craft your profile. Men can pick up on the energy and tone a woman sends from a profile or a first message. It's important to keep it positive so you can attract as many men as possible.

Second, I would suggest picking a new dating site. OkCupid and PlentyofFish are great for people looking for something casual (i.e. younger), but if you're looking for an emotional connection, it's better to go with a paid site like eHarmony or Match. OurTime is a good niche option specifically for older daters, so you know that your dates won't discount you because of your age.

Third, keep an open mind about the possibilities open to you right now. Say yes to more men that you might not normally consider, just to see what dating someone new is like. Allow yourself a little more fun in the dating process - it doesn't have to be so focused on the end result. It's a journey, after all.

You'd have to be living under a rock not to be familiar with the cooler-than-thou hipster subculture. While self-identified hipsters believe they value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, and intelligence, what their philosophy looks like to an outsider is completely different. "Effortless cool" takes a whole lot of effort, and edginess ceases to be edgy when everyone's doing it.

Still, the hipster ethos persists. Hipsters reject the mainstream in every way possible, including online dating. The more unusual the dating site, the better. Can a single hipster say they were using a site before you started using it? Or, better yet, that they'd gotten bored of the site before you'd even heard of it? Bingo - we have a winner.

Luckily, single scenesters have plenty of niche dating sites to choose from. There's GlutenFreeSingles.com, for those with actual intolerances and those who just want to jump on the bandwagon of the latest cool food trend. There's ClownDating.com, for those who love clowns and would like a clown to love them. Can't get enough of Sriracha? Join Hot Sauce Passions to find a fiery flame. There's also Mullet Passions, Trek Passions, Sea Captain Date, and Purrsonals (hipsters love their furry friends!). Or maybe you'd prefer to try what might be the most hipster niche dating site of all: Amish-Online-Dating.com.

Can the Amish even use computers? Who cares? That makes the site even more underground and cool.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, hipsters, but the days of cool cachet from niche dating sites are almost over. When the Wall Street Journal publishes a trend piece on Atlasphere, a dating site for Ayn Rand appreciators, and Farmers Only, a self-explanatory dating sites that proclaims "City folks just don't get it," it's safe to say they've officially made the jump to mainstream.

"A growing number of niche dating sites have popped up to serve people who think they know exactly the type of person they want," The Journal writes. And that's awesome - part of the beauty of the Internet is its ability to connect people who never would have connected otherwise. Even the most specific single stands solid chance of finding someone who sets their stomach a-flutter.

On the other hand, that could also be the downfall of online dating. If we live in a world where niche dating sites rule, what happens to opposites attracting or chance encounters? What awesome people are we missing out on if we narrow down potential loves by one or two traits?

Fortunately, I don't think there's much to worry about. With all the new mainstream media attention on these unconventional dating services, it's probably only a matter of time before curious folks flood the sites and hipsters are forced to leave for cooler pastures.