Advice

I, as many other women do, wonder how it is that a married guy has the balls to post a profile on an online dating site and seek out women. There are the guys who outright post the fact that they are AshleyMadison.com married and looking for some fun on the side and then you have those who claim to be single and looking for love even though they are indeed married. They're the worst of the worst! I have no right to judge those who chose to stray from their marriages, but I don't take kindly to being mislead and feel for the women who get sidetracked on their quest for love by someone who tells the ultimate lie. It is for you women that I write this article.

As much as you need to open up your heart in order to find love, you also need to be on your toes and able to spot the married guys who are out there claiming to be available. The chance of being misled by a married guy claiming to be single is there whether you're looking for love online or the old fashioned way, so don't be put off. Just be aware of these telltale signs that he's married:

He asks for your contact information but doesn't share his. This is usually because he doesn't want you calling at an inopportune time-like when his wife is sitting right next to him.

He's only available during business hours. Beware the guy who can only talk or get together during business hours. Most cheaters will happily skip out for a lunch date and spend their work day on the phone or chatting with you online only to disappear in the evenings and on weekends. This is a big red flag that he's got someone else.

He always wants to go to your place and never his. This one is pretty obvious! He has a wife or girlfriend at home and can't take you there.

He whispers or talks very quietly on the phone. Yes, there are married guys who are despicable enough to call another woman while at home with their wives and to do so they have to speak quietly. Sure, once in awhile a situation may call for a hushed voice, but if it happens more than once, then move on!

His stories never seem to add up. If you're finding discrepancies in the stuff he tells you from where he's been to why he hasn't called, then move on because he's a liar. Is he married? Maybe not, but a liar is a liar and this is a huge red flag that you're being misled.

Through various jobs and volunteering, I've met more than my share of actors – really well-known actors, the kind that light up movie screens. Film is a funny thing; it can dramatically alter its subject. For example, some of the actors I've met are less attractive than the roles they play (I guess that movie makeup does work magic). The men always seem to be shorter than they look on-screen, and the women taller (now how does that work?). Everyone is usually much skinnier – even actresses with a reputation for being “chunky” in the tabloids are usually, I assure you, much smaller than the average person. And, perhaps most surprising of all, there are those who are much more attractive in person than on TV.

I distinctly recall one actor in particular. He was the star of a show that had failed to grab me with its first episode. The guy wasn't ugly by any means, but on TV and in his pictures he seemed somewhat generic. I had no interest in meeting him. Then, in person, his eyes seemed almost electric. He smiled and joked with me, and I swear I almost walked into a pillar. He wasn't even my type.

Hollywood is full of these blindingly attractive people. The rest of the world? Not so much. The TV shows and movies that we watch have people that are literally hand-picked from the most attractive people in the country, or even the world. Why, then, do we expect to find only those people on online dating sites, and look down our noses at anyone else?

I'm not saying we shouldn't be attracted to those we date. But attraction is so much more than straight teeth or a toned body. Also, I don't know about everyone else, but I know most of the guys I've dated have become more attractive to me as I've gotten to know them. And, of course, there's those, like that actor I mentioned, who are more attractive in person. If you only pursue people who meet strict photographic expectations – without even considering other factors like common interests – who knows what you're missing out on?

One more note: people in Hollywood look great because it's their job. They can afford to live at the gym, not to mention any number of other procedures. A regular person usually has to make many sacrifices to look perfect. Is it worth it? Or do you want to find someone happy with themselves... and you?

Using technology – specifically, the internet – for dating opens up new worlds of possibilities. Granted, every new technology brings with it new responsibilities. Those of us familiar with the world of the internet are relatively vigilant about our own safety – keeping those personal details off our profiles – but there's something else we need to do that isn't addressed as much: police our own behavior. In short, don't internet-stalk people we're interested in.

It starts innocuously: Person A emails a potential match (Person B), and they're excited about it – maybe too excited, if they're only emailing one person at a time (aim for several a week to avoid this). The online dating site this person uses tells you exactly when the object of your desire last checked in, so Person A can't help but check a few times – and when Person B finally does check in, the waiting game begins. Let's say it actually leads to a date.

After the date, Person A realizes that Person B's profile name matches their Livejournal account, so then they're scouring the entries, looking for mention of them. Now, is anything Person A has done really bad? Probably not – and probably many of us have done something similar. But now that the internet has creeped into our everyday lives, we have to redefine our boundaries. We probably wouldn't sit outside someone's house in our car, so why are we obsessing over their Facebook updates?

This is a growing problem with younger people, in particular. Teenagers have grown up with slightly different personal boundaries, and some young couples dance dangerously close to the line of abuse when they have partners who demand to know their whereabouts at all times. As adults in the dating world, we set the standard. The sooner we agree upon some sort of Internet etiquette, the better for us and for future generations.

In the meantime, however, consider the profiles of potential matches their own personal space – or their diary. You might want to read it, but good rarely comes from it. And how awkward would it be to be on a date and blurt out that you already know some story or personal tidbit? Leave the discovery to the dating.

I saw a ridiculous article today (so ridiculous that it doesn't deserve to get a link from this site). In the article, the writer was trying to make the argument that people don't lie in their online dating profiles. That's right - the whole buzz about people lying in their profiles is wrong because nobody flat-out lies in their profile.

The writer went on to describe these less-than-truthful profiles as being written by "people pleasers," the kind of folks who just want everyone to like them and thus try to be everything to everybody.

So in reality, these folks aren't liars. They see themselves as taller, thinner, and generally better than their average selves.

When John describes himself as 5'9" when he's really 5'7", it's not a lie. John just really feels that he stands taller than the average guy who is 5'7". He FEELS 5'7" and that's enough, right?

When Mary describes herself as "About Average" when she's barely squeezing into a men's size 2XL shirt, she's describing the way she feels, not the pesky truth of her bumps and rolls.

Oh, and people who lie about their age? It's just a number!! They have every right to put down how old they feel they are (or how old the kid at the grocery store thinks they are when they get carded for appearing under 35).

Enough already, right?

Lying is lying is lying. It doesn't matter if you feel 34 if you're actually 42. It doesn't matter if you have shoes that make you almost 5'9" if you're really 5'7". It doesn't matter that the "average" American is overweight. If you're putting something in your profile that isn't true, it's a lie no matter what your good intentions may be.

Stay honest. Having lies in your profile may help you score a date or three in the short term, but in the long term, the person who will become your lifetime partner is going to have to want ALL of you - even the shorter, squishier, older parts. And you'll love them for all their shorter, squishier, older parts.

Hang in there, single friends.

Usually, I'm all about telling people to look outside their box, to avoid being too picky. When searching for potential matches on a dating site, I often recommend looking for general common interests; you don't have to match up perfectly. General, not specific, is the way to go when looking for someone else.

However, when constructing your own profile, being general, not specific, is the surest way to become utterly forgettable.

Here's an example: “I like music. I like some of everything; I go in phases.” Okay, I am someone who has very broad tastes in music, so I sympathize with this instinct, I really do. Your tastes are varied! You're so much more than a one-note music appreciator! The problem is, does saying “I like music” - like most of the population – really say anything about you at all? Rather than coming off as a connoisseur, you fade into the background – just another generic profile.

So we've established that you want to use specific examples in your profile. But what if you really do have incredibly broad and varied tastes? Should you then list something from every genre or interest?

In a word, no. A laundry list is just as bad as being too vague; if the list is too long, the reader won't bother with it at all. Here's where you have to make a little compromise. So maybe you're afraid that there's one obscure band that you love, and if you don't list it you could be missing out on your perfect match. Well, by all means, list that band – but there shouldn't be more than a few must-lists.

Otherwise, to convey your broad range, list the extremes: “I am equally at home at a concert featuring Stravinsky or Lady Gaga.” Or “Celtic Woman and Metallica.” Yes, you have to omit some in the middle, but the point gets across, your profile is actually being read – not skipped over – and the contrast might even stick out in the memory of the reader.

To use an old cliché, there are many fish in the sea. As fisherman, your best bet is to cast a wide, general net. However, when you're the fish, you want to be as sparkling and special as you can – and the way to do that through an online profile is succinct, specific, and memorable.

Do you have a type? By type I mean a very clear picture of what it is you want in a mate? We all do even if we think that we don't. To be honest, my type was always a guy well over 6 foot with longish dark hair and eyes and from a European background. Kind of like a freakishly tall soccer player on steroids who also had a bit of a gut! Along with these physical traits I also, much to my chagrin, realized long ago that I was attracted to guys who were also complicated, macho and arrogant. Was this working for me? Only on a very superficial level at best. Did I stray from my type? Not for a loooooooooong time! Once I did though, I was pleasantly surprised by what was out there and by how attracted to other 'types' I could be.

One of the greatest things about dating and online dating especially is the endless opportunities that you are privy to. Just think, when you use a dating site that has hundreds and even thousands of members, you have the chance to have all kinds of dates with all kinds of different people! Look at how many shots at love that is-if you're willing to try. Keeping an open mind is so important when it comes to dating. While you should never lower your standards and date people who repulse you just for the sake of dating; straying from a very specific type could pay off. You may have a list of things that you find attractive, but what harm would it do to maybe look past one or two of those things and go for a coffee with someone who could prove to be incredible? And, as much as you may believe that certain characteristics will make you happy in love, the reality is that most of us don't know what's out there if we don't stray from our comfort zone a little. As hot a large boobs or a six pack may be, they certainly don't guarantee chemistry, compatibility or love.

Next time you're browsing the members on a dating site, try increasing or decreasing the age range you browse, or maybe leave the height and body type open when you search. Even better, why not just limit it to the gender that you're interested in and just browse all of the listings for your location? Check out the pictures, read the profiles and keep an open mind because you just never know when someone's profile is going to speak to you and resonate in a way that you might not have expected. Live a little! There's no better way to find true love than to give yourself a good shot at it to begin with!