Advice

Sometimes, there's nothing more intriguing than an office romance. It's fun to send flirty texts and instant messages during the day, and sneak off together at lunch. It can even be inspiring to stay late and work on a project together, instead of meeting your friends for happy hours.

But does the promise of intrigue and romance mean you should date someone at the office?

First, it's best to consider your position compared to the co-worker you're interested in dating. Is this person your boss? If so, it could make things complicated. If you get a promotion or a raise, others might think it's because of your personal relationship. Or if the relationship turns ugly, it could mean losing your job. Also, the company might have a strict policy when it comes to inter-office dating, so make sure you know what it is before you make a move and put your job at risk.

If the person is a subordinate, others might think you're playing favorites when you offer him or her a raise or promotion. Also, you should consider whether you can trust the person, because he could be using you to get ahead.

Another aspect to consider is how important your current job and career are to you. If you would be happy to leave your workplace in case the relationship doesn't work out, then it makes it easier to date someone in the office. However, if you have worked years to achieve a certain position or gain the trust of your co-workers, you have a lot more to lose. If career is more important, it's best to pursue romance outside the office.

You should also consider your proximity to your office beau. If he works in the cubicle or office next to yours and you can hear his conversations, it might be awkward. Do you really want to hear about the other women he's seeing?

The main consideration is, how important is the relationship to you, and how important is your job? Many married couples met each other on the job, so it's a good place for romance to blossom. But it's also a risk, so just be aware from the beginning: know what you want and what you are willing to lose.

I often think of one of the greatest hurtles one faces in the move from an online encounter to a real-time date is the way in which the element of fantasy and imagination are diminished upon meeting. Meeting someone online allows you enough absence to imagine them as your perfect ideal with the added substance of a few key words. We want to imagine that our partner will not only live up to our expectations, but exceed them.

The reality sets in when the date actually occurs and I remember, despite obvious clues, that the person sitting across from me is actually a human being, full of his own flaws, dreams, hopes, fears, and insecurities. A potentially mind-blowing human being, but a human being nonetheless!

Although it's perfectly natural to hope for the best, take things slow to really try and get to know your date before investing all your hopes and dreams. For instance, there was a guy I met through an online dating site some years ago that I really liked. His profile was interesting, fun, and we had similar interests. We talked on the phone before we met and clicked immediately – something I don't often experience with people. We laughed and spoke easily, drifting from topic to topic, and there was, what I thought, a real connection. And what ended up happening was that I invested far too much in that first connection; I went into the date thinking that there was this exceptional bond between us, that he would be a kind of confidant, worthy of my trust despite the lack of experience and history between us.

Instead, he was rude and inappropriately aggressive, exhibited a host of deal-breakers, and looking for something far more causal than I – a fact that was not mentioned in his profile. I returned home from the date feeling sourly disappointed.

Among the many expectations that people take with them to a first date, one of the most important, I believe, is to remember that your date is human -- not Hercules. Regardless of how hot and spicy those text messages have been, how intense the connection drawn between emails and phone calls, adding the element of actual presence can introduce an irreversible chemical reaction to your relationship in ways that you won't always expect.

Remember that the first date is simply that: a first date. It may not be epic, it may not be ground breaking, but it could be beautiful and life-altering, in a perhaps more humble way than pure living fantasy, if you allow it. Having realistic expectations of what you're walking into is one of the best ways to ensure that you'll get the most out of it.

You wanted more, you asked, and here it is: part two of my Quick and Dirty Guide to Online Dating Clichés. Read on for further examples of tired truisms and lackluster lines that must be avoided in your profile.

• "Hi, I'm Dan, I'm 45 years old, and I'm a lawyer in Kansas." With an opening line like that, you might as well be in a chatroom in the '90s asking "A/S/L?" That sentence not going to catch anyone's attention, and all it offers is information that can be found elsewhere in your profile.
• "I might be shy at first, but I'm super friendly once you get to know me!" It seems like half of the profiles I encounter think it's a good idea to include this line or a variation on it. It might have been charming, humble, and self-effacing at the advent of the Internet, but it's been used so often now that it's lost its meaning.
• "I'm smart, funny, spontaneous, open-minded, active, down-to-earth, quirky, [insert other random adjective of your choice here]...." The endless list of indiscriminate adjectives is a total rookie mistake. You very well may be all of those things, but it's boring to read them in a way that feels like you're taking inventory of someone's personality ("Smart? Check. Funny? Check. Spontaneous? Check that one off the list too!"). Instead of telling other members about your interesting qualities, demonstrate them through stories and photos.
• Anything along the lines of "I work hard and play hard," "Looking for a partner in crime," and "Searching for Prince Charming" is to be avoided. It's just plain overdone.
• "I know how to treat a woman/man." Thousands of other people online are claiming the same thing, so instead of simply stating it as a fact, prove it. Tell your readers exactly how you take care of your partners, and show them why you're a cut above the rest.
• "I'm just as comfortable in X as I am in Y [when X = stilettos or high-end lounges, and Y = fuzzy slippers or dive bars]." You probably think that this line illustrates your versatility, but all it really does is reveal your lack of creativity. I'm only slightly exaggerating when I say that everyone uses this formula to convey that they are flexible and low-maintenance.
• "My friends and family are extremely important to me." Really? How original. I've never met anyone like that before.
• "Sometimes I like to go out, and sometimes I like to stay in." See snarky retort above for appropriate response.
• And last but not least: "I give great backrubs." This, at least in the opinion of a self-proclaimed massage addict, is one of the most disappointing clichés on the Internet. Everyone on a dating site seems to think they have the most talented hands online, and it's getting old. Unless you're actually a professional massage therapist, find another skill to boast about.

That brings the second installment of "A Quick and Dirty Guide to Online Dating Clichés" to a close. Before clicking "Post," check your profile over thoroughly to make sure it doesn't commit any of these egregious crimes against online profile writing.

"I can't believe I'm actually doing this!"

"I like long walks on the beach and holding hands."

"I'm the funniest person you'll ever meet!"

"I don't really know what to say about myself."

At some point while describing yourself in your profile, you might be tempted to include online dating clichés like these. My advice, should you find yourself in this grave situation, is simple: don't do it. Resist the urge with all your might. Walk away from the computer and have a stiff drink to calm your nerves, if that's what it takes to withstand the siren song of the cliché.

There are so many problems with using these clichés that I could probably write an entire novel on the subject, but to save you from wasting time on that tome - time you should be using to craft a good, platitude-free profile - I've compiled this, my Quick and Dirty Guide to Online Dating Clichés.

Let's start with the four I've already mentioned:

• Writing things like "I can't believe I'm actually doing this!" or "My friends forced me to join this site" sends the not-so-flattering message that you think online dating is for losers and weirdoes. Do you really want your future dates to think that's your opinion of them?
• "I like long walks on the beach and holding hands." Yawn. I bet you like candlelit dinners, having fun, and hanging out with your friends, too. Stereotypical romance will not win over online admirers, nor will mentioning that you enjoy activities that everyone enjoys.
• "I'm the funniest person you'll ever meet!" Or smartest. Or craziest. Or whatever. If you're going to make a claim that big, you'd better be able to back it up. Or better yet, just don't do it in the first place. At least 10 of the other profiles your potential date just viewed claimed the same thing.
• You might think that "I don't really know what to say about myself" or "I'm not very good at writing this kind of thing" shows off your modesty, but all it's really doing is showing off your insecurity.

Are you starting to get the picture? Here are a few more of the Internet's most popular dating clichés:

• "If you want to hear more, just ask!" They won't, trust me.
• "I LOVE life." As opposed to...what, exactly?
• "I have a great sense of humor" or "I'm looking for someone who can make me laugh." Humor is an admirable quality, but it's painfully overused in online dating profiles. Instead of declaring that you're funny, write a funny profile. Instead of writing that you're looking for someone with a good sense of humor, write about what kind of humor makes you laugh so hard you can't breathe.
• Steer clear of "There isn't enough room here to sum up my life!" An essay of Homeric proportions almost always follows. It's not cute.

Want to hear more? Just ask!

"Opposites attract."

You've all heard that saying countless times, and you've probably experienced something like it at some point in your life, but does it hold up when it comes to online dating?

Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but more often than not potential dates are attracted to the things you have in common, not the things you don't. The anonymity and potential safety concerns associated with the Internet can make meeting people online a nerve-wracking experience, so in order for someone to be comfortable meeting you or sharing personal information, you must build enough rapport with them that they feel they know you well and that you are trustworthy.

The best way to build this connection is - you guessed it! - discussing your similarities, and identifying strongly with the people with whom you would like to get more involved.

Take a moment to think about your ideal date. What qualities do you find attractive? What kind of person are you most interested in meeting online? What would grab the attention of that kind of person?

Over time, you'll find that a lot of the men and women you encounter online fall into recognizable personality categories, with identifiable traits and relatively predictable behavior. Some of the most common online dating personalities are:

The Introvert: An introvert usually begins his or her profile with something like "I'm not really sure what to write about" or "I don't know what to say about myself." This personality type is typically shy, and might have low self-esteem. When reaching out to this kind of person, it's important that you take your time and build rapport slowly. Developing a strong connection and sense of trust is more important with Introverts than with anyone else.

The Adventurer: The adventurer loves life and intends to live it to the fullest. They like being active, are not afraid of taking risks, and believe that everything should be tried once. Adventurers are usually easy to spot - just look at the photos they've uploaded and the outrageous stories they tell in their profiles. To attract this personality, show that you are just like them by exhibiting your adventurous side.

The "I'm-Totally-Over-It": This personality type is tired of playing games and sick of the traditional dating scene. They're ready to find a deep connection and a serious relationship. If this is the kind of person you're looking for, win them over by empathizing with them. Make sure they understand that you're both at the same stage in your lives, and that you share common relationship goals.

The "I'm-Comfortable-Being-Me": A person like this is confident and secure. They're equally as happy dressing up and spending the night on the town as they are lounging around the house in their pajamas. They're proud of who they are and don't care what anyone else thinks of them. The key to winning this type over is using your wit and showing your quirky side. They love humor and individuality, and want to surround themselves with others who don't care what people think of them.

As soon as you've identified the kind of personalities you're most interested in, you can start targeting your messages and tailoring your profile to attract the people that will be the best matches for you.

Over the past few years, I’ve realized the extreme importance of having full disclosure with dates and partners. Each time I’ve been able to exercise this type of frankness with a new partner, I’ve discovered that the relationship is much more fulfilling and honest.

Everyone always wants to put their best foot forward on a date -- especially on those initial first dates. And in no way does having full disclosure conflict with that! You can be entirely charming and frank at the same time!

Such frankness is not always easy, either. There are times when you will know that the disclosure of certain information might mean that you’ve exercised a deal-breaker to your date.

For instance, for a while, I was involved in a steady relationship, but it was open and we had agreed that while we were still devoted to each other, we would also like to see other people and share our experiences with each other.

I was really nervous about this the first time I had a date during that relationship. I know that for certain people, the fact that I was already in a relationship might have disqualified me for any further dates. However, I also knew that the other person needed that information about me if he was going to be able to make an informed decision as to whether or not he would like to continue dating me and that withholding that information would be both unethical and cruel.

As soon as it came up, I told him about my boyfriend and our situation. Although he was a little shocked at first, he was actually really okay with it. He even asked me questions about it and wanted to know how it worked and how we had come to that decision, thus provoking a lively and thoughtful conversation on the topic of monogamy versus polyamory.

Furthermore, although this date worked out well and my partner was okay with my situation, I’m fully aware that not all people would have the same response. I’m sure that there are many people who would, in fact, be deeply uncomfortable with the idea, and I respect their stance. Nevertheless -- it is still their right to know.

The point is that full disclosure allows you and your partner to make accurate assessments about whether or not they would like to continue dating. By expressing your needs and desires openly and frankly in such a way, both parties will be able to make informed decisions -- some of which will be in your favor and some that won’t. By practicing full disclosure, you can save time and hearts by being honest and straightforward right away about what you want out of the situation -- and be more likely to get it.