A Quick and Dirty Guide to Online Dating Clichés: Part Two

You wanted more, you asked, and here it is: part two of my Quick and Dirty Guide to Online Dating Clichés. Read on for further examples of tired truisms and lackluster lines that must be avoided in your profile.

• "Hi, I'm Dan, I'm 45 years old, and I'm a lawyer in Kansas." With an opening line like that, you might as well be in a chatroom in the '90s asking "A/S/L?" That sentence not going to catch anyone's attention, and all it offers is information that can be found elsewhere in your profile.
• "I might be shy at first, but I'm super friendly once you get to know me!" It seems like half of the profiles I encounter think it's a good idea to include this line or a variation on it. It might have been charming, humble, and self-effacing at the advent of the Internet, but it's been used so often now that it's lost its meaning.
• "I'm smart, funny, spontaneous, open-minded, active, down-to-earth, quirky, [insert other random adjective of your choice here]...." The endless list of indiscriminate adjectives is a total rookie mistake. You very well may be all of those things, but it's boring to read them in a way that feels like you're taking inventory of someone's personality ("Smart? Check. Funny? Check. Spontaneous? Check that one off the list too!"). Instead of telling other members about your interesting qualities, demonstrate them through stories and photos.
• Anything along the lines of "I work hard and play hard," "Looking for a partner in crime," and "Searching for Prince Charming" is to be avoided. It's just plain overdone.
• "I know how to treat a woman/man." Thousands of other people online are claiming the same thing, so instead of simply stating it as a fact, prove it. Tell your readers exactly how you take care of your partners, and show them why you're a cut above the rest.
• "I'm just as comfortable in X as I am in Y [when X = stilettos or high-end lounges, and Y = fuzzy slippers or dive bars]." You probably think that this line illustrates your versatility, but all it really does is reveal your lack of creativity. I'm only slightly exaggerating when I say that everyone uses this formula to convey that they are flexible and low-maintenance.
• "My friends and family are extremely important to me." Really? How original. I've never met anyone like that before.
• "Sometimes I like to go out, and sometimes I like to stay in." See snarky retort above for appropriate response.
• And last but not least: "I give great backrubs." This, at least in the opinion of a self-proclaimed massage addict, is one of the most disappointing clichés on the Internet. Everyone on a dating site seems to think they have the most talented hands online, and it's getting old. Unless you're actually a professional massage therapist, find another skill to boast about.

That brings the second installment of "A Quick and Dirty Guide to Online Dating Clichés" to a close. Before clicking "Post," check your profile over thoroughly to make sure it doesn't commit any of these egregious crimes against online profile writing.