Advice

As children, most of us are taught that we must believe in ourselves, that we are special, and that we can achieve anything if we put our minds to it. It's a message that sounds extremely positive, but is it harming our chances of finding love later in life?

Some people, like author and NPR commentator Lori Gottlieb, think so. Gottlieb is the author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough, a book that turned the relationship world upside down earlier this year. After years of searching for the perfect mate and deciding to become a single parent, Gottlieb took a long, hard look at her dating habits - and the dating habits of women around her - in an attempt to discover why so many women had difficulty finding a suitable partner. Her conclusion will surprise many and offend many others: the problem is not a lack of good men, it is women's excessively high expectations of them.

In the wake of feminism, most women are taught that they can have and do anything they want, all on their own terms. As a consequence, many of us have developed an image of our ideal mate, and we are told that we must not compromise that vision. In simple terms: if we want it all, we can have it all.

That idea, Gottlieb argues, is why so many women will end up alone. Though it began as an empowering message that helped many women believe that they deserve a good partner, modern women have taken the feminist ideal to an extreme, and now hold men to standards that are so high they cannot be reached. Countless women, Gottlieb claims, will leave good relationships based on the vague feeing that they will find something better with someone else, and will come to regret their decisions later on when their choices diminish. In other words: perfection doesn't exist, do why waste time searching for it?

For many - myself included - it's a difficult pill to swallow. A part of us, even if we know it's unrealistic, still holds on to the ideal of the fairytale romances in the Disney movies we watched as children. "Settling" is an ugly word.

Fortunately, Gottlieb's proposal is not as depressing as it first seems. Confidence is a good thing - but taking it to an extreme, becoming so picky and entitled that no one can live up to your standards, is not. By overanalyzing and setting the bar at such an impossible height, we're setting all of our potential partners up for failure. We're flawed - so why can't they be?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not suggesting that anyone should settle for someone who doesn't make them happy and doesn't fulfill their needs, and Gottlieb isn't either. All we're asking for is a little equality. You expect men to accept your flaws and cherish your humanity, so isn't it fair that you do the same for them? And in the long run, won't that kind of understanding and acceptance lead to a deeper, more genuine love anyway?

There's a balance between fantasy romance and a realistic relationship - you just have to find it.

Recently I came across a rather strange profile. The default picture was of two men at a wedding. Both were nice-looking; however, I had no idea which one was actually the author of the profile. Clicking on the “more pictures” section led to several more pictures from the same wedding, with the same set of guys. It wasn’t until the fifth or sixth picture on the list that I eventually figured out who I was supposed to be noticing.

Even then, the solo pictures were lacking. Oh, sure, the guy had a great smile and looked kind. The photos were of good quality and didn’t look like they were taken in the 1980’s. The problem was that it was almost impossible to make out the man’s great smile, because he would be one small point in a large picture of a canyon or a forest or a theme park. Once again, I was distracted by almost everything else but him.

His pictures were not bad. He was not unattractive. His big problem is simply that he has not made friends with a simple tool: the crop feature. Each and every one of his picture problems could have been remedied by cropping himself out of the photo and possibly resizing to make himself bigger. Now there would be no comparison or confusion against his buddy from the wedding. Now he wouldn’t be overshadowed by landscaping. And most importantly, the focus would be on his assets: his friendly face and great smile, now larger than a few pixels.

This man is not the only one who needs to become friendlier with cropping. Particularly when you’re choosing or creating a default picture, crop can be your best friend. Putting the focus on your face means that the viewer sees you immediately, instead of squinting at a strange blurb of a busy thumbnail.

Now, can this rule be broken? Sure. If the focus of the picture is some sort of action, like skydiving, you might want to leave in the panoramic view. But if it’s just a crowded room with a bunch of people standing around, it’s time to frame what’s important.

As you choose your default picture, and ultimately all the rest that will be on your profile, consider: is the focus where it belongs?

If you need to get a professional photographer for your online dating pictures, check out our review of Look Better Online.

I know someone, “Mary,” who likes to fill in everyone on the slightest romantic development. “I met someone at the mall!” “This guy left a promising message on my blog!” “I’m going out for coffee!” There’s nothing wrong with this, on the surface; Mary simply wears her heart on her sleeve, and likes to share her excitement with the world.

What she doesn’t like, however, is when she runs into someone she hasn’t seen in awhile (or maybe even a week), and they bring up the last bit of news they remember. “So,” they might ask, “how did coffee with that one guy go?” If it didn’t go well, Mary has to break the news. She often feels embarrassed, and angry - that they shouldn’t have brought it up unless she had. While she may be right on some of the finer points of etiquette, it raises an interesting issue: who should you tell about budding romances? And when?

The “who” might be simpler than it seems. I personally like a simple mantra for the beginning of a relationship (or even before, such as when you’re emailing or about to go on a date): “Don’t tell anyone you might feel embarrassed telling if you broke up.” This means your closest friends and family are fine, but you might want to wait a little on your co-workers.

It can be tempting to spill the details earlier than you intend when there’s someone obnoxiously interested in your love life. You know the kind: the person who always asks if you’re still single, or when you’re going to “settle down.” When that person asks with a smirk if you’ve had any dates lately, it’s quite natural to want to say, “In fact, yes! I’m meeting a great person for coffee later this week!” However, I urge self-control. Better to not give that kind of person any additional ammo, after all. Simply smile and say something along the lines of, “Oh, my social calendar’s far from empty,” if you must, but absolutely no details or timelines.

So when do you fill in everyone else? Individually, as it comes up. Bringing your date to the office holiday party? They’ll know then. Someone trying to set you up? “Sorry, I’m taken.” Even then, give minimal detail; if they were closer to you they’d know this sort of thing already. Otherwise, they might simply be trolling for gossip.

It can be tempting to shout your new relationship from the rooftops, but casually letting someone know when you’re established - and keeping mum when you’re not - will lead to meetings with acquaintances that are smoother and less awkward for everyone.

Single parents face countless challenges, from financial difficulties to the stigma of parenting without a partner.

Being a single parent is losing its taboo, as "falling marriage rates, the growth in the number of people choosing to cohabit rather than marry, and a variety of other socio-economic factors" have combined and caused the number of single parents to rise significantly in recent years. Maintaining a healthy romantic life, however, is still an insurmountable obstacle for many single parents. Nicola Lamond, a mother and the spokeswoman for Netmums, an online parenting organization that offers local parenting information for mothers and fathers in the UK, offers a fairly bleak description of single parenthood: "being a single parent in 2010 can be pretty tough. Single parents describe themselves as 'lonely,' 'isolated,' 'vulnerable,' and 'worthless'....T here is a real sense that their 'world has shrunk.'"

Data from the 2010 LoveGeist Report supports Lamond's dreary outlook. Single parents feel that they are faced with an extremely difficult situation, and exhibit a strong sense of frustration with their circumstances:

• Close to 70% of respondents said that they do not have the opportunity to meet new people in their everyday lives, and a poll conducted by Netmums backs up LoveGeist findings. 80% of Netmums users reported not having time to go on dates, and just 7% said they are able to go on a date once a month.
• 46% of parents said that they wouldn't want their children to worry if a new relationship didn't work out.
• Confidence is a major issue for single parents, who often fear that the rules of dating have changed since they were last single. As Lamond explains: "For many parents, the last time they dated they had the confidence of youth and the bodies to match.... The prospect of baring your all to a new partner can be a pretty daunting prospect!" Single parents also carry deep emotional wounds that can hinder the development of new relationships. It is difficult for many to believe that they are worthy of love after a significant relationship has ended.
• Perhaps most importantly of all, 53% of those polled believe that their children are simply more important than meeting a new partner. The need to prioritize one's life in this manner is often more pronounced in single parents, who are more driven to "find the right balance between doing what's right for them and what's right for their children" than their attached counterparts.

All that being said, however, the outlook for single parents seeking romance is not entirely dismal. LoveGeist research shows that, though single parents have endured negative experiences with relationships in the past, they are not opposed to marriage. Only 13% responded that they would not consider marriage in the future, the same percentage as the wider dating population, and only 20% worry about what their children might say about them dating again, a finding that suggests that "parents are confident their kids will demonstrate some level of understanding and encourage them to find happiness again."

Technology has played a massive role in helping single parents find new partners. "Not only are online support groups available that encourage taboos to be broken and new communities of like-minded people in similar situations to spring up," writes Robin Nixon, "but of course access to online dating enables many singles to take the first step on a journey that may not have been open to them even 10 years ago."

For more information on this United Kingdom dating site, please check out our review of Match.com in the UK.

During my years of hosting speed dating events, a few questions came up regularly from men, mostly concerning the confusing behavior of women. A couple of readers wrote to me recently asking how they could tell whether or not a woman was interested. Since this is an important subject and one that seems to be a consistent challenge, I thought I’d discuss it here.

The assumption among many men is that a woman’s behavior is confusing. She acts on the date as though she’s interested, but then she doesn’t return phone calls or keeps putting off the second date. She is sending them mixed signals, so they aren’t sure what actions and words to pay attention to and what to ignore. I can’t say I blame them. I acted the same way sometimes when I was dating.

Many women (and I would argue men as well) don’t like to hurt people’s feelings by being too direct. They feel if they tell someone on a date that they aren’t interested, it’s rude and unnecessarily mean. Instead, they prefer to ignore emails and phone calls and cancel dates on a regular basis. They figure the man (or woman) will eventually get the hint. It’s not the best way to handle things, but it happens a lot.

My advice is to be as honest as possible when it comes to dating. If you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings by telling him in person that he’s not your type, then call or send him an email after the date saying thanks, but no thanks. There’s no need to be rude, but most people appreciate knowing what to expect rather than being left wondering what happened.

For those of you who are getting mixed signals, I would move on. Most women let men know if they are interested. They return calls and texts right away. If they’re not interested, they tend to pull a disappearing act. If you’re ready for a relationship but the woman you’re dating isn’t, there’s not much you can do to change that. If she is sending mixed signals, she may want to just have fun and has no intention of getting serious with you. Do you want to cause yourself unnecessary heartbreak?

Again, I advise daters to be clear about what you do and don’t want. Otherwise, it creates a lot of unnecessary confusion. Remember, if you are stuck trying to figure out where a relationship could go, you could be missing out on a great new relationship with someone who feels the same way you do. Take heart, accept the situation for what it is, and move on.

Many times, we start dating someone we find attractive and engaging...perfect in many ways, except for "just one thing". Whether the problem is significant or trivial: the way he laughs, the way he acts around his friends, or his choice of career, it gets in the way of your relationship and how you feel about him.

So how do you decide if you can get past "this one thing" and move forward into a relationship, or whether it's a deal-breaker for you? Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

Is this something I can overlook? For example, if your date likes to tell a lot of bad jokes when he's with his friends, is this something significant enough to end the relationship? Many times habits or personality traits can be bothersome, but if his other qualities outshine the annoyances (is he kind, considerate, thoughtful, etc.?), a little tolerance on your part can go a long way.

Is there a pattern in my relationships? If you tend to date people who cheat, lie, or otherwise act in a distrustful or disrespectful manner, consider why you're attracted to this type of person. There's a reason that it happens over and over again. It could be time to break the pattern and move on.

Do your values conflict? If your significant other acts in ways that conflict with your values, or is treating you or others with disrespect, there is little room for compromise. Both people in any relationship should feel respected and valued, and if he or she thinks your values or goals are irrelevant, this is a clear sign the relationship isn't what it should be.

Can I resist "fixing" him? Many women enter relationships thinking that they can change whatever it is they don't like about their significant others. However, relationships don't work that way. Instead of trying to fix him, work on your own patience, tolerance, etc. to let him be exactly as he is. If you're unable to resist being a "fixer", this may not be the relationship for you.

Am I flexible? Maybe she lives 2,000 miles away and one of you would have to consider leaving your friends, job, and home to be together, which is a big decision. Are either of you willing to take that risk? Or maybe he's part of a baseball league and won't make plans on Wednesdays or Saturdays because of the game schedule. Can you compromise on scheduling activities you do together? Flexibility of both parties is key in making relationship work.

Every relationship requires respect and mutual consideration. Many times we have to make compromises, which isn't a bad thing. Before you consider dumping someone because of an issue you can't see past, make sure that you aren't overlooking the good qualities, too.