Advice

I’ve heard it over and over, particularly after the holidays: “Well, I want to join an online dating site,” or, “I know I should become active again and update my profile,” but “I’m just not looking very good right now. Maybe in a few months.”

I completely understand insecurity - who doesn’t feel insecure about some aspect of themselves? However, here’s why you should try getting on that online dating site today, instead of “a few months from now.”

First, there are those who are simply slightly plumper from the holidays (or from the fall... or the past few years). In my own experience, taken both from myself and from looking at countless photos of others, it takes a substantial weight loss or gain before you’re completely unrecognizable in the face. Anything under twenty pounds and you pretty much look the same, at least from the neck up. Yes, I know the slightest change in the contour of your chin seems drastic to you. To everyone else? Not that much.

Then there are those who are embarking on some of kind of longer-term change, be it an attempt to lose a larger amount of weight, quitting smoking or getting braces. Yes, I can understand the temptation to hide until you’ve achieved your goal. However, why not live life in the meantime? So much of attraction is in the attitude, anyway - I’ve known plus-sized, confident people who are constantly attached, and slender people who had considerably more trouble; it all boiled down to how they felt about themselves. As you embark on your long-term change, make sure your self-esteem is also changing for the better. It’s the most important asset you can maintain - and if you’ve already got it, why not start online dating right away?

Speaking practically, online dating, like all dating, is something of a numbers game. You might have a great profile that does you no good if no one compatible is on the site at the time. Thus, it’s best to start as early as possible, sending out those first-contact emails, getting a feel for who’s out there and whether the particular site is a good match for you. Whether you feel you’re at your absolute best or not, it’s never too early to at least scope out the dating pool.

Don’t limit yourself from taking the plunge today. But remember: attitude and confidence really make the difference. If you do decide to delve into the world of online dating, you’ll be much more successful if you jump in with both feet. Sure, we want to wait until we're perfect - but is anyone perfect, ever? Now is as good a time as any.

Dating is a peculiar way to start a relationship, when you think about it. You’re essentially making a special occasion out of each time you meet - which is great, and why not celebrate the beginning of a great relationship? However, in long-term relationships, the majority of days are the ordinary kind - normal meals, normal clothes, normal nights.

Not to say that normal is boring - but that we should keep normal in mind, too, when we meet people for the first time. Are we looking for someone who is fun to be around when we embark on adventures, or are we looking for someone who sees the fun and adventure in everyday life?

Placing a relationship entirely in any specific setting, whether it’s exciting dates or ballroom dance, can be dangerous. I’ve known people who have limited their dating prospects to people who share specific interests. Ask yourself: what would happen if you grew tired of your hobby? Or if your significant other did? What would you talk about? How would you spend your time?

Perhaps it’s not so important that we start out with a common interest, but that we choose the sort of person with whom we can always find something to share. Someone open to learning something new. Someone who will grow, just as we will grow.

However, there’s nothing wrong with finding someone who shares your interests; a common interest is a great jumping-off point when you’re meeting someone for the first time. You’re given additional conversation topics, and a small instant connection. Dating is certainly easier when you start off with something in common.

But perhaps we place too much emphasis on defining ourselves. Using dating profiles is a great way to get a glimpse at a person, but do you really define yourself by the movies you like or the sports you play? Remember, as you write your first-contact emails and head out on your first dates, that creating a solid relationship is not as simple as sharing a favorite color. We’re all more than just our profiles. Don’t be afraid to show it, and remember to look for it in others.

You’ve been out a few times with a man you find really attractive. You want to keep dating him and see the relationship progress, perhaps eventually even to marriage. More importantly, you don’t want to “mess things up” before they’ve even started. What do you do to keep his attention? Do you play it cool, pretending you’re not that interested? Or do you latch on and demand his affection?

The answer is, neither.

Many women (and men) make the mistake of starting a new relationship by playing games. Instead of just dating and getting to know each other, they make assumptions and act accordingly. For instance, if you think he’s a great catch, you might assume there’s a lot of competition for his affection. Maybe you keep yourself at a distance to make him “chase” you. Or perhaps you sleep with him right away, hoping to establish yourself as a girlfriend sooner than later.

The reality is, after a couple of dates, you don’t really know who he is. The act of dating helps you get to know him. Then you can make a better decision about whether he’s right for you, instead of assuming because he seems like a great catch or you have good chemistry that you’re automatically soul mates. When you get to know him instead of trying to “get” him, you allow him to get to know you as well. Instead of assuming who he is or how he can fit into your life, realize that he has his own thoughts, desires and opinions as well. He needs to get to know you, too. Connection works both ways.

The best method is to be honest, communicate (instead of playing it cool), and enjoy things as they progress without trying to control the outcome. Instead of holding his feet to the fire with premature questions like “do you want children?”, ask him about what he likes to do on the weekend. Have fun together. Dating is a time to reveal yourselves to each other and see if who he really is proves to be compatible with who you are. It’s not a race to the finish line, or a game to be won.

The important thing to remember is that dating and relationships aren’t under your control. Sure, we all like to see the relationship work out when we really like a man. But playing games and engaging with him only on your terms ends up turning him off before things get started.

Going forward, take the relationship one date at a time, and just relax. If he’s right for you, there’s nothing to worry about.

I don’t know about you, but I’m a planner. If I know I’m going to a specific event months in advance - even if the event isn’t anything important or special - I’ll start planning what I’m going to wear as soon as I know about it. Thus, you can imagine that the prospect of a date, in which I typically have considerably less notice, sends me into a tizzy. Following are a few tips I’ve acquired about first-date dressing.

First and foremost, comfort is key. That doesn’t mean you show up in sweatpants and a t-shirt; it means you don’t want to wear anything too crazy that will end up being a distraction or a health hazard. That means tiny, gorgeous, painful shoes are out. So are body-shapers that have the potential to give you an 18th-century case of “the vapors” and faint at the table. Clothes for men tend to be more comfortable on average, but they still need to make sure their belt and shoes, at least, aren’t killing them.

You want your date to focus on what you’re saying, not on what you smell like. While I’m all for personal hygiene, first dates tend to bring out the extremely strong perfume in all of us - body sprays, shower gels, hair products, and so on. You know that headache you sometimes get when you walk through the beauty section of a department store? You don’t want that on your date, and neither does your potential match. Plus, most first dates involve some sort of food, or maybe coffee - something you do want to smell. Keep the perfumes to a minimum.

Layers are important. Nerves do funny things to people - they might start to sweat, or shiver. Plus, there’s no way to tell if the venue for your date will be freezing or sweltering, regardless of the weather outside. You don’t want your date to think you’re ill, or that you’re not into the date because your arms are crossed from the cold. As romantic as it always seems in movies to lend a coat, it’s much better if everyone involved gets to be as comfortable as possible.

The important thing to remember is that the focus of the date isn’t how great you look; it’s whether you and another person are actually compatible. While, yes, you do want to make a good first impression, the real trick to a good first-date outfit is that it doesn’t get in the way of what’s most important: communication between you and your potential match. Good luck, and good planning!

As we begin 2011, it's time to look forward to a new year and reflect upon the past year.

How did dating change in 2010? What emerging trends will affect our love lives in 2011?

For Singles

• Ever feel like you must be the last single person left on earth? The good news is: you're not. Far from it, actually - the most recent U.S. Census reports that 44% of American adults are single, which comes out to about 100 million people!
• More often than not, the odds are stacked in men's favor: for every 100 single women in America, there are 85 unmarried men. But never fear, ladies - the odds are stacked in your favor in certain parts of the country, like Austin, TX, Fort Lauderdale, FL, and Sunnyvale, CA.
• If you're looking to stay single and make the most of it, consider calling New York or Washington, D.C. home, where 50% and a staggering 70% of residents are single, respectively.
• On the other hand, if you're tired of the single life and are looking to settle down, consider moving out of the nightlife scene. Only 2% of men and 9% of women say they met The One in a wine bar.

For Couples

• On average, women marry at 26, while men wait until they are 28.
• Money is the most common cause of arguments amongst couples in America, so think carefully about your financial decisions and the ways they might affect your relationship.
• Breaking up is never easy, but technology is making it a little simpler: around 46% of people say that they have broken up with a partner via email. Sure it's rude and impersonal, but it's also convenient.
• Spouses who met offline had an average courtship of 42 months, while those who met online courted for an average of 18.5 months.

For Online Daters

• An estimated 40 million singles are logging on to find love.
• The most successful online daters post a profile photo. Profiles with pictures get twice as many responses as profiles without pictures.
• Approximately 1 in 5 singles have dated someone they met on a dating site, and 17% of married couples met online.
• Online dating safety become a concern for many, including state officials: New York was the second state to pass an Internet Dating Safety Act.
• Mobile dating exploded last year (an increase of over 90%!), and is projected to continue its meteoric rise in popularity in 2011.

One overwhelming stat is clear from the 2010 dating data: online dating isn't going anywhere, and if you haven't signed up for an online dating service yet, pursuing love online should be added to your list of 2011 New Year's resolutions!

We're a few weeks in to 2011, and if you're like most people, that means you've already started forgetting about the resolutions you made at the beginning of the year. I can't help you with your resolution to lose weight, or your resolution to spend less time at work and more time doing things you love, but I can help you keep your resolution to find love in the new year.

If you want to find your match, dating has to become a priority. Good intentions are useless unless you make an effort to realize them. Success - in dating and all other aspects of your life - only comes to those who are willing to work for it. With that in mind, I want you to make a list of 2011 Dating Resolutions (feel free to share yours in the comments!), and I want you to keep them.

Here are a few of my suggestions:

In 2011, I resolve to...

• Change up my routine. If you're always looking for love in the same places...your local bar, the bookstore up the street, your weekly dance class...it's time to switch things up. Check out a new venue or two where you haven't already exhausted the supply of desirable dates.

• Be more open-minded. If you're the kind of person who has a laundry list of traits that a partner must have (non-smoker, loves country music, travels frequently, plays sports), consider expanding your horizons. Love can come from unexpected places, if you're open to finding it, so don't automatically reject someone who doesn't immediately appear to be your "type" on the surface.

• Revisit lost opportunities. Somewhere down the line, your busy schedule might have gotten in the way of your love life. If you lost contact with someone you were exchanging messages with on a dating site, or forgot to return the call of a suitor you met once for a coffee date, try reaching out to them again. Perhaps their 2011 resolution is to find love, too.

• Refresh my online dating profile. Maybe your picture is out of date. Maybe you developed a few new interests and hobbies over the last year. Or maybe you took an amazing vacation in 2010 that you're dying to talk about. Updating your profile will give you a fresh start in the new year, and could make your profile show up higher in a search.

• Stop making excuses. If someone piques your interest, go after them. Don't waste time waiting for them to initiate contact with you, and don't psych yourself out by inventing reasons to justify your inaction.

Making New Year's resolutions - and sticking to them! - about your approach to love and dating is key to finding the relationship you want. What are your resolutions for 2011?