Advice

Because online dating, like all dating, is essentially a numbers game, we often find ourselves in states of feast or famine. It’s not uncommon to go weeks, or even months, without one response, and then find yourself with two, three or more interested parties. While that can be very exciting, it’s actually times when you have multiple prospective dates that you can let opportunities slip away from you.

As we wait in times of “famine,” hoping for at least one response, it becomes easy to slip into a line of thinking where only the numbers matter; more dates are better. While it’s true that the more dates you have, the better your chances of successfully finding a good match are, the truth is that you could potentially find a solid relationship on your very first date. Each date holds that same potential, and each date should be given equal importance.

One common trap that many with multiple dates fall into is giving unequal amounts of attention. If you were only emailing with one person at a time, that person would obviously receive your full attention, and you’d probably be searching for connections, things you have in common. When you have three or more email conversations going on, however, it’s easy to go on “autopilot,” particularly if you’re more interested in one than the others. Connections that you could have found might slip by, and a potentially better match could pale in comparison to someone else - before you’ve even met in person.

Another trap to avoid is comparing your dates against each other. Remember, you’re looking for the best match for you, not necessarily the most attractive out of a random selection or the most successful. Again, this takes a certain amount of divided attention; instead of evaluating whether you have a connection, you’re comparing answers to similar questions or trying to remember what you’ve said in emails with this particular person. While it’s good to date multiple people and get a feel for “what’s out there,” it’s important to make sure you’re giving each candidate the same shot they would receive if they were the only current prospect.

Finally, if you go on one date, have an instant connection with that person, and move into dating them right away, don’t bother trying to go on dates with the other candidates if you already know who you want. While you may think you’re being nice, you’re really only wasting the time of people who could spend it finding a good match for themselves. Would you want to go on a date with someone who already decided they prefer someone else?

While it’s easy to focus on the “numbers game” aspect of dating, remember that each response is coming from an individual, hoping for success just like you. Whether you get one at a time or twenty, remember to give each individual the respect you would want - the respect they deserve.

I’ve heard it over and over, particularly after the holidays: “Well, I want to join an online dating site,” or, “I know I should become active again and update my profile,” but “I’m just not looking very good right now. Maybe in a few months.”

I completely understand insecurity - who doesn’t feel insecure about some aspect of themselves? However, here’s why you should try getting on that online dating site today, instead of “a few months from now.”

First, there are those who are simply slightly plumper from the holidays (or from the fall... or the past few years). In my own experience, taken both from myself and from looking at countless photos of others, it takes a substantial weight loss or gain before you’re completely unrecognizable in the face. Anything under twenty pounds and you pretty much look the same, at least from the neck up. Yes, I know the slightest change in the contour of your chin seems drastic to you. To everyone else? Not that much.

Then there are those who are embarking on some of kind of longer-term change, be it an attempt to lose a larger amount of weight, quitting smoking or getting braces. Yes, I can understand the temptation to hide until you’ve achieved your goal. However, why not live life in the meantime? So much of attraction is in the attitude, anyway - I’ve known plus-sized, confident people who are constantly attached, and slender people who had considerably more trouble; it all boiled down to how they felt about themselves. As you embark on your long-term change, make sure your self-esteem is also changing for the better. It’s the most important asset you can maintain - and if you’ve already got it, why not start online dating right away?

Speaking practically, online dating, like all dating, is something of a numbers game. You might have a great profile that does you no good if no one compatible is on the site at the time. Thus, it’s best to start as early as possible, sending out those first-contact emails, getting a feel for who’s out there and whether the particular site is a good match for you. Whether you feel you’re at your absolute best or not, it’s never too early to at least scope out the dating pool.

Don’t limit yourself from taking the plunge today. But remember: attitude and confidence really make the difference. If you do decide to delve into the world of online dating, you’ll be much more successful if you jump in with both feet. Sure, we want to wait until we're perfect - but is anyone perfect, ever? Now is as good a time as any.

Dating is a peculiar way to start a relationship, when you think about it. You’re essentially making a special occasion out of each time you meet - which is great, and why not celebrate the beginning of a great relationship? However, in long-term relationships, the majority of days are the ordinary kind - normal meals, normal clothes, normal nights.

Not to say that normal is boring - but that we should keep normal in mind, too, when we meet people for the first time. Are we looking for someone who is fun to be around when we embark on adventures, or are we looking for someone who sees the fun and adventure in everyday life?

Placing a relationship entirely in any specific setting, whether it’s exciting dates or ballroom dance, can be dangerous. I’ve known people who have limited their dating prospects to people who share specific interests. Ask yourself: what would happen if you grew tired of your hobby? Or if your significant other did? What would you talk about? How would you spend your time?

Perhaps it’s not so important that we start out with a common interest, but that we choose the sort of person with whom we can always find something to share. Someone open to learning something new. Someone who will grow, just as we will grow.

However, there’s nothing wrong with finding someone who shares your interests; a common interest is a great jumping-off point when you’re meeting someone for the first time. You’re given additional conversation topics, and a small instant connection. Dating is certainly easier when you start off with something in common.

But perhaps we place too much emphasis on defining ourselves. Using dating profiles is a great way to get a glimpse at a person, but do you really define yourself by the movies you like or the sports you play? Remember, as you write your first-contact emails and head out on your first dates, that creating a solid relationship is not as simple as sharing a favorite color. We’re all more than just our profiles. Don’t be afraid to show it, and remember to look for it in others.

You’ve been out a few times with a man you find really attractive. You want to keep dating him and see the relationship progress, perhaps eventually even to marriage. More importantly, you don’t want to “mess things up” before they’ve even started. What do you do to keep his attention? Do you play it cool, pretending you’re not that interested? Or do you latch on and demand his affection?

The answer is, neither.

Many women (and men) make the mistake of starting a new relationship by playing games. Instead of just dating and getting to know each other, they make assumptions and act accordingly. For instance, if you think he’s a great catch, you might assume there’s a lot of competition for his affection. Maybe you keep yourself at a distance to make him “chase” you. Or perhaps you sleep with him right away, hoping to establish yourself as a girlfriend sooner than later.

The reality is, after a couple of dates, you don’t really know who he is. The act of dating helps you get to know him. Then you can make a better decision about whether he’s right for you, instead of assuming because he seems like a great catch or you have good chemistry that you’re automatically soul mates. When you get to know him instead of trying to “get” him, you allow him to get to know you as well. Instead of assuming who he is or how he can fit into your life, realize that he has his own thoughts, desires and opinions as well. He needs to get to know you, too. Connection works both ways.

The best method is to be honest, communicate (instead of playing it cool), and enjoy things as they progress without trying to control the outcome. Instead of holding his feet to the fire with premature questions like “do you want children?”, ask him about what he likes to do on the weekend. Have fun together. Dating is a time to reveal yourselves to each other and see if who he really is proves to be compatible with who you are. It’s not a race to the finish line, or a game to be won.

The important thing to remember is that dating and relationships aren’t under your control. Sure, we all like to see the relationship work out when we really like a man. But playing games and engaging with him only on your terms ends up turning him off before things get started.

Going forward, take the relationship one date at a time, and just relax. If he’s right for you, there’s nothing to worry about.

I don’t know about you, but I’m a planner. If I know I’m going to a specific event months in advance - even if the event isn’t anything important or special - I’ll start planning what I’m going to wear as soon as I know about it. Thus, you can imagine that the prospect of a date, in which I typically have considerably less notice, sends me into a tizzy. Following are a few tips I’ve acquired about first-date dressing.

First and foremost, comfort is key. That doesn’t mean you show up in sweatpants and a t-shirt; it means you don’t want to wear anything too crazy that will end up being a distraction or a health hazard. That means tiny, gorgeous, painful shoes are out. So are body-shapers that have the potential to give you an 18th-century case of “the vapors” and faint at the table. Clothes for men tend to be more comfortable on average, but they still need to make sure their belt and shoes, at least, aren’t killing them.

You want your date to focus on what you’re saying, not on what you smell like. While I’m all for personal hygiene, first dates tend to bring out the extremely strong perfume in all of us - body sprays, shower gels, hair products, and so on. You know that headache you sometimes get when you walk through the beauty section of a department store? You don’t want that on your date, and neither does your potential match. Plus, most first dates involve some sort of food, or maybe coffee - something you do want to smell. Keep the perfumes to a minimum.

Layers are important. Nerves do funny things to people - they might start to sweat, or shiver. Plus, there’s no way to tell if the venue for your date will be freezing or sweltering, regardless of the weather outside. You don’t want your date to think you’re ill, or that you’re not into the date because your arms are crossed from the cold. As romantic as it always seems in movies to lend a coat, it’s much better if everyone involved gets to be as comfortable as possible.

The important thing to remember is that the focus of the date isn’t how great you look; it’s whether you and another person are actually compatible. While, yes, you do want to make a good first impression, the real trick to a good first-date outfit is that it doesn’t get in the way of what’s most important: communication between you and your potential match. Good luck, and good planning!

As we begin 2011, it's time to look forward to a new year and reflect upon the past year.

How did dating change in 2010? What emerging trends will affect our love lives in 2011?

For Singles

• Ever feel like you must be the last single person left on earth? The good news is: you're not. Far from it, actually - the most recent U.S. Census reports that 44% of American adults are single, which comes out to about 100 million people!
• More often than not, the odds are stacked in men's favor: for every 100 single women in America, there are 85 unmarried men. But never fear, ladies - the odds are stacked in your favor in certain parts of the country, like Austin, TX, Fort Lauderdale, FL, and Sunnyvale, CA.
• If you're looking to stay single and make the most of it, consider calling New York or Washington, D.C. home, where 50% and a staggering 70% of residents are single, respectively.
• On the other hand, if you're tired of the single life and are looking to settle down, consider moving out of the nightlife scene. Only 2% of men and 9% of women say they met The One in a wine bar.

For Couples

• On average, women marry at 26, while men wait until they are 28.
• Money is the most common cause of arguments amongst couples in America, so think carefully about your financial decisions and the ways they might affect your relationship.
• Breaking up is never easy, but technology is making it a little simpler: around 46% of people say that they have broken up with a partner via email. Sure it's rude and impersonal, but it's also convenient.
• Spouses who met offline had an average courtship of 42 months, while those who met online courted for an average of 18.5 months.

For Online Daters

• An estimated 40 million singles are logging on to find love.
• The most successful online daters post a profile photo. Profiles with pictures get twice as many responses as profiles without pictures.
• Approximately 1 in 5 singles have dated someone they met on a dating site, and 17% of married couples met online.
• Online dating safety become a concern for many, including state officials: New York was the second state to pass an Internet Dating Safety Act.
• Mobile dating exploded last year (an increase of over 90%!), and is projected to continue its meteoric rise in popularity in 2011.

One overwhelming stat is clear from the 2010 dating data: online dating isn't going anywhere, and if you haven't signed up for an online dating service yet, pursuing love online should be added to your list of 2011 New Year's resolutions!