Advice

It wasn't long ago that dating meant going through an elaborate courtship ritual. A gentleman called a woman's parents to ask for permission to see their daughter, picked her up at home, and promised to bring her back at a respectable hour. He dressed nicely, to make a favorable impression on her and her family, and brought her flowers as an expression of his growing affection. Dating was a special occasion, always accompanied by a little pomp and circumstance, and required lovers to observe traditions and follow approved protocol.

These days, with the advent of the Internet and the accessibility of technology of all kinds, dating is...well...a little different. (To say the least!) Romancing a new love interest now means logging on to an online dating site, filling out a profile, and messaging members that catch your eye, while dating someone means following their blog, changing your relationship status on Facebook, and keeping your shared Google Calendar up to date.

In many ways, some of which we talked about last time, the relationship between dating and technology has proved to be an asset to love lives everywhere. But nothing, including that too-good-to-be-true hottie whose profile you've been checking out lately, is perfect. The relationship between technology and dating, like any relationship, has its flaws, too.

Four Reasons Why Technology And Dating Should Just Break Up Already

• The tyranny of immediacy is a constant threat. Communication can now happen so quickly that we've come to expect rapid responses to everything. If a date signs onto AIM and doesn't send a message, we wonder why they don't want to talk to us. If a text isn't replied to instantly, we get nervous and suspect that something is wrong. It's easy to feel pressured to be perpetually available.
• Modern relationships can feel like they're under just as much scrutiny as a celebrity hookup. The minute a Facebook relationship status is updated, a flood of comments inquiring about the change comes in. Relationships are carried out entirely in the public arena, which means suffering through the sickeningly sappy wall posts of the newly-in-love, and enduring the nasty breakup blasts posted on the blogs and Twitter accounts of the recently jilted.
• The anonymity of the Internet can make it a risky place to look for love. Dating site members can easily misrepresent themselves in ways that range from the harmless, like subtracting a few pounds from their weight, to the hurtful, like lying about their martial status. Scammers and criminals also use dating sites to search for victims.
• In a constantly-connected world, privacy often feels like a thing of the past. Googling a potential love interest before meeting them for the first time is now a common, socially acceptable practice. And can you imagine dating someone without occasionally succumbing to the urge to Facebook stalk them? Like it or not, most of us probably can't.

So what do you think, readers? Are dating and technology a match made in heaven, or a relationship an unhealthy relationship that's in need of a little couple's counseling?

While I may be a fan of sharing the tips and tricks of online dating, there’s one thing I’m not a fan of: game-playing.

“But wait,” you might be saying. “Making sure I’m smiling in my profile picture, that I don’t have a defensive posture, that I’m not using offensive jokes in my profile - that’s not game-playing?”

No. Because while you may slouch with a scowl and your arms crossed more than you’d like when you’re not in front of a camera, you also have those moments when you’re having a good time - and your default picture simply tries to capture that aspect of yourself. When you choose to omit a joke from your profile that could be misinterpreted, it’s because most humor could easily be misinterpreted on the Internet - but that doesn’t mean that your same sense of humor won’t come out in person. You may want to try to make a good first impression - but usually, it’s simply you on a good day, not something completely constructed and false.

So, what do I consider “game-playing”? In short, the times in which you edit your behavior for no reason other than that you think it’s something people do to be successful in a relationship. For example, I’ve had people ask me how many days they should wait before responding to a first-contact email. Are you interested right now? Then respond, right now. The same goes for any “rule” about how long you should wait to re-establish contact after a first date. You aren’t purchasing anything; there’s no reason to have a mandatory three-day waiting period.

Occasionally people will come up with theories about the efficacy of counter-intuitive behavior; that insults, instead of praise, will earn you more interest. That being mean, instead of nice, will somehow fill in for confidence and make you more attractive. In short, these games will have a limited success rate in the short term, at best, and do nothing to build a real, long-term relationship.

A relationship is built on trust and honesty. If you start the relationship based on games and lies, at what point do you transition into the “real you”? Why not take the guesswork out of the equation and be genuine from the beginning? Strive to make your first impression be the best version of yourself - not a “someone else” who’s conniving and shallow to boot.

Technology has changed nearly every aspect of modern life.

When we need groceries, we head to FreshDirect. When we need entertainment, we head to Netflix. When we need to make travel plans, we head to Orbitz. When we need reading material, we head to Amazon. When we need money, we head to PayPal. When we need to connect with friends, we head to Facebook. And when we want to find love, we head to an online dating site.

As is the case with any new development, some early-adopters embraced the new technology immediately, while skeptics chose to observe the new trend before forming an opinion of it. Now, in 2011, it's clear that the relationship between technology and dating is set to be as immutable as the relationship between the chocolate and peanut butter in a Reese's.

The question is: Who was right? The early-adopters who praised the association of technology and dating, and hailed it as the future of our love lives? Or the skeptics, who believed that the link between technology and dating would prove to be an unhealthy relationship?

Four Reasons Why The Relationship Between Technology And Dating Is Built To Last

• Love-seekers spend hundreds of millions of dollars every year joining dating sites and posting online personals. The Internet is obviously here to stay, and so is using it to find The One.
• If the thought of having to chat someone up in a club makes you break out in a cold sweat, technology will save your love life. You can browse through profiles and decide who you want to initiate contact with, instead of having to start countless dead-end conversations that can be discouraging and embarrassing before finding a date worth pursuing. If your tastes are very specific, you can make use of niche dating sites to search for dates that fit your criteria. The anonymity of the Internet also makes it the perfect resource for daters who suffer from anxiety in social situations or a crippling fear of rejection.
• Turning to the Net to find love means opening yourself up to countless opportunities that daters have never had before. Limiting yourself to searching for potential partners at the local bar, bookstore, or speed dating event means limiting your chances of finding love. New technology, however, lets compatible partners from all over the world meet and establish relationships.
• If you do happen to meet a match that lives on the opposite side of the globe, it's easier than ever to keep in touch. A long distance relationship is no longer the terrifying prospect it once was in a world where partners can use email, Skype, video chats, and Facebook to stay connected.

There are, of course, many more reasons technological advancements have positively impacted love lives all over the world...but as all online daters know, even the brightest lights cast a few shadows. From Googling new dates, to Facebook stalking current partners, to posting breakup blasts on blogs, there's a dark side to the relationship between technology and dating too.

While the big game was being played in Dallas by the Packers and the Steelers, another game was going on behind the scenes: the ultimate match between sex and sports.

The Super Bowl is the most watched television event of the year in America, for both men and women, so it's no surprise that Super Bowl 2011 had a big impact on American sex lives. Social dating site Zoosk conducted a survey of over 1,000 singles to uncover the relationship between love, sex, and football, and the results might change the way you approach game day forever.

The battle of the sexes, it turns out, is fought on the football field as well as in the bedroom. Men and women were divided on who they hoped would take the trophy: the majority of men (57%) were rooting for the Green Bay Packers, while the majority of women (54%) were cheering on the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Agreeing on a favorite player also proved to be an impossible feat. The women nominated Tom Brady for the top spot, with 32% of the votes, followed by Drew Brees (20%), Peyton Manning (17%), Brett Favre (14%), Jason Taylor (12%), and Ladainian Tomlinson (5%). Men, on the other hand, named Brett Favre as their #1, again with 32% of the votes, followed by Peyton Manning (22%), Drew Brees (18%), Tom Brady (14%), Ladainian Tomlinson (8%), and Jason Taylor (6%).

One thing men and women could agree on, however, was the part of Super Bowl Sunday they enjoyed most:

• 57% of singles said that they get most excited about the game itself.
• 20% reported liking the commercials best.
• 16% said they participate for the partying.
• 7% reported watching for the spectacle of the half-time show.

Survey participants also came together to vote for the most attractive player, a prize that went to Ryan Clark of the Steelers. Aaron Rodgers (Packers), Mason Crosby (Packers), and Hines Ward (Steelers) took the second, third, and fourth places.

In addition to being the home of the most attractive player in the game, Pittsburgh also beat out Green Bay in matters of love and romance. When asked which city that's home to a major football team they would most want to visit for a romantic weekend, survey participants ranked both Green Bay and Pittsburgh poorly - but Green Bay came in dead last.

Then it came time for Zoosk to try to answer one of the most pressing questions of our generation: In a battle between sex and the Super Bowl, who comes out on top?

Nearly half of male respondents said they'd rather have sex than watch the game, but a whopping 73% of women said they'd rather be spending Super Bowl Sunday in front of the TV than in the bedroom!

In the words of Alexis Stevens: "It looks like the football players will be the only ones scoring Sunday night."

As a species, we like learning more about ourselves and others - but mostly, about ourselves. We like figuring out what makes us tick. And, since we know we are subjective, we like to learn “truths” about ourselves, as well.

At least, that’s how I like to explain the popularity of personality tests and online quizzes.

The problem arises when people use these personality tests as an excuse, not an explanation. “I shouldn’t be responsible for keeping the conversation going on a date,” someone might say. “I’m an introvert.” Or, conversely: “It’s in my nature to want to control every aspect of the first date. That’s just who I am.”

That’s all well and good, if opposites really do attract. But that’s not only the case. At some point, one of two introverts will have to make the first move in a conversation or relationship. And two controlling personalities will have to learn compromise.

The thing about personality tests is, they only tell you who you currently are - not who you have the potential to be. Acknowledging your shortcomings does not give you a free pass to let your flaws run rampant.

So what’s the point of these personality tests, then? Well, one constructive way they can be used is that by identifying the areas in which you struggle, you can easily target what you want to work on. If you know you’re naturally introverted, you can prepare to make more of an effort when you go on that first date. If you know your controlling nature causes problems in relationships, you can find a way to work on it before your next relationship.

Even better, you can use personality tests to look outside yourself. If you understand the personality type of your significant other, it might give you a better understanding of how they handle conflict. The next argument has the potential to be diffused before it turns into a hurricane of confusion and anger.

Personality tests and online quizzes can be fun, and even informative, particularly when you’re just getting to know someone. The key is to do something constructive with the information - not use it as a shield or a weapon.

Because online dating, like all dating, is essentially a numbers game, we often find ourselves in states of feast or famine. It’s not uncommon to go weeks, or even months, without one response, and then find yourself with two, three or more interested parties. While that can be very exciting, it’s actually times when you have multiple prospective dates that you can let opportunities slip away from you.

As we wait in times of “famine,” hoping for at least one response, it becomes easy to slip into a line of thinking where only the numbers matter; more dates are better. While it’s true that the more dates you have, the better your chances of successfully finding a good match are, the truth is that you could potentially find a solid relationship on your very first date. Each date holds that same potential, and each date should be given equal importance.

One common trap that many with multiple dates fall into is giving unequal amounts of attention. If you were only emailing with one person at a time, that person would obviously receive your full attention, and you’d probably be searching for connections, things you have in common. When you have three or more email conversations going on, however, it’s easy to go on “autopilot,” particularly if you’re more interested in one than the others. Connections that you could have found might slip by, and a potentially better match could pale in comparison to someone else - before you’ve even met in person.

Another trap to avoid is comparing your dates against each other. Remember, you’re looking for the best match for you, not necessarily the most attractive out of a random selection or the most successful. Again, this takes a certain amount of divided attention; instead of evaluating whether you have a connection, you’re comparing answers to similar questions or trying to remember what you’ve said in emails with this particular person. While it’s good to date multiple people and get a feel for “what’s out there,” it’s important to make sure you’re giving each candidate the same shot they would receive if they were the only current prospect.

Finally, if you go on one date, have an instant connection with that person, and move into dating them right away, don’t bother trying to go on dates with the other candidates if you already know who you want. While you may think you’re being nice, you’re really only wasting the time of people who could spend it finding a good match for themselves. Would you want to go on a date with someone who already decided they prefer someone else?

While it’s easy to focus on the “numbers game” aspect of dating, remember that each response is coming from an individual, hoping for success just like you. Whether you get one at a time or twenty, remember to give each individual the respect you would want - the respect they deserve.