Advice

We've all been there: we're considering ending a relationship that we realize has no future, and before we know it, we've been "considering" it for months, maybe even years, with no sign of actually taking the action required to dissolve the doomed partnership and move on. It's a cycle of complacency that most women - and plenty of men - find themselves trapped in at least once in their lives. Contemplate breaking up, put it off...contemplate breaking up, put it off...contemplate breaking up, put it off...

You get the picture, and it's not a pretty one. Despite clearly knowing that things are over with Mr. Not-Right-Not-Right-Now-Not-Ever, we often find ourselves procrastinating when it comes to breaking up, instead allowing ourselves to wallow unhealthily in a dead-end relationship. According to a host of relationship experts, these are the top 5 reasons women stay with men they're no longer interested in:

1. Influence from her family. Experts believe that a woman's predilection for going after men who are not right for her has a lot to do with her upbringing as a child. Our beliefs and behaviors are shaped by what we observe as children, so when we become adults we tend to fall back on the behavior patterns we learned when we were young. A child of parents who do not give her the love, affection, and attention she needs is likely to be attracted to men who also do not meet her emotional needs. Though a relationship with that kind of man will never make her happy, she finds herself seeking them out because it feels comfortable and familiar. She settles for less than what she wants and needs because it's all she feels she deserves.
2. She fears being alone. The archaic concept of the "spinster" still haunts many women, though it is clearly outdated and destructive. A woman who has internalized the idea that she needs a man to take care of her will stay in a bad relationship out of a misguided sense of self-preservation, to avoid the "terrifying" prospect of being alone.
3. She falsely believes that her partner "needs" her. Everyone likes to feel needed, but women often seem to be especially susceptible to an addiction to the feeling of being indispensable. Women have a tendency to equate selflessness with over-giving, even when their partner doesn't give anything in return, and call it "love" when it's really "dependency." A woman who thinks that a man's life will change in a negative way if she leaves - he'll become depressed, he'll slip back into alcoholism, etc. - will remain in an unhealthy relationship because serving him makes her feel good about herself. In reality, however, she is the one who needs emotional support.

The countdown continues next time...

A little while ago, we took a look at some of the findings from a recent study conducted by the Oxford Internet Institute that collected data from cohabitating couples in 18 countries. Each participant was asked questions like:

• How did you meet your partner?
• What dating strategies did you use prior to meeting your current partner?
• How do you maintain your current relationships and social networks?
• How do you use the Internet in everyday life and work?

Several patterns became clear from the data:

1. Success through online dating is steadily on the rise. More than a quarter of the relationships studied that started within the last 5 years began online.
2. Dating online compliments dating in the offline world, which is still popular despite the explosion of online dating sites.
3. Nearly half of people who meet online do not actually meet using dating Web sites, but rather connect through more general social networking sites.

Using online dating sites to find love was most popular in Germany, where 29% of the couples studied reported meeting their current partners online. Sweden followed closely behind, with 28%, while Greece and Ireland represented the lowest percentage, with fewer than 16% of couples saying that they met online.

The most popular offline location to meet people was, surprisingly, the workplace - 20% of couples who met their partner offline said that they met at work. Church, on the other hand, was the least successful love location: less than 2% of couples said they'd met there, and only 1 in 15 who said they were actively looking for love at church had found it.

The study found that gay men use online dating more than anyone else, with 50% turning to online dating sites, while heterosexual men prefer to search in bars and clubs (73%).

Of the couples who reported meeting their current partner online, only 38.5% said they had met through an online dating site. The rest met in places like:

• Chat rooms: 24%
• Social networking sites: 14%
• Bulletin boards: 8%

Though that might not sound like much compared to the 38.5% who did meet using online dating sites, consider this important point raised by Marina Adshade: MySpace wasn't around until 2003, the same year that LinkedIn was born, and Facebook didn't go online until a year later. The OII's research covers all couples that met since 1980, far before the proliferation of social networking sites. Looking only at couples who met after these sites became available, the popularity of social networking sites would likely be much greater. So next time you update your online dating profile, consider updating your profile on Facebook as well...you never know where love might be hiding!

After a long winter, the wait for spring seems interminable. And just when the weather starts to warm and we begin to look forward to barbecues and the beach, we get another cold snap. Even though we know summer will inevitably arrive, it feels a world away.

Online dating can be even more difficult. Unlike the turn of the Earth, there’s no deadline for romance. And sometimes, what can be even more frustrating than a profile that obviously needs work, is one that seems to bring results one week, but not the next.

“I don’t understand,” my friend Sarah said to me recently. “When I first put up my profile, I got at least a few winks, even a few emails. Nothing has changed, but now I’m not even getting responses to the emails I send.”

It would be nice if fate were kind enough to churn, say, three new compatible prospects out into the world each month. Without delay, they would find our profiles and contact us immediately. Reality, unfortunately, is rarely so convenient. Sometimes there simply aren’t any people out there who meet our criteria and are searching on our site. Sometimes there might be two or more.

So what can you do during a dry spell? Well, there are a few options. First, you can look for ways to freshen up your profile; though you don’t want to fix what isn’t broken, you want to make sure nothing is blatantly out-of-date. If someone reads that you’re looking forward to a movie that came out last year, they might not think you even use the site anymore; that’s a potentially large problem with an easy fix.

If you’re beginning to feel like you’ve exhausted the resources of your online dating site, you can always try another one. There are many free sites available. A change of scenery, even if it’s not necessarily the best fit for you, can be refreshing and make a long wait more interesting.

Finally, though it may be difficult, remember to have patience. Your potential matches aren’t just profiles and pictures; they’re real people, living their lives, operating on their own schedules. It can be frustrating, to be sure; but when schedules work themselves out and you find a chance at love, it's well worth the wait.

Congratulations to Wills and Kate - the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge!

All eyes were on England this weekend, as Prince William wed his long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. William and Kate met in 2001, while studying in Scotland at the University of St. Andrews, and dated until a brief split in 2007. After rekindling their romance later that year, and going public with their relationship, speculation that Kate and William would soon be engaged ran rampant. As time passed, and no engagement was announced, Kate was branded "Waity Katie" by the media for sticking by a man who seemingly had no intention of ever marrying her.

What was William waiting for? Who knows...but whatever it was, he finally found it in October of 2010, when he proposed to Kate during a trip to Kenya.

Hearing that story over, and over, and over again in the weeks leading up to the wedding got me wondering: What was Prince William thinking? What was going through his mind as he decided whether or not to propose? And what should everyone - second in line to the British throne or not - take into consideration before taking the plunge?

Ask yourself questions like:

• Am I really ready to settle down? Deciding to commit to someone before you feel that you've taken advantage of every opportunity single life could offer you is likely to lead to regret and resentment. But if you're constantly being nagged by a feeling that there's something more, then listen to your gut and take the next steps.
• How do I feel about his/her family? You don't have to move in with the 'rents and start referring to them as Mom and Pops, but marriage means becoming a part of a new family. If you can't stand them, but your S.O. loves spending quality time together, you're going to run into problems.
• When I think of the future, are we together? You know you're with someone special when you realize that, unbeknownst to you, they've somehow become an integral part of your vision for your future. Do you catch yourself imagining what it would be like to visit Europe together? To go skydiving together? To buy a house together? When you've reached a point where you can't picture your life without him or her, you know you've found a keeper.
• Can I live with his/her quirks? If the little habits like leaving yesterday's clothing on the floor or forgetting to wipe down a wet sink are a constant source of annoyance, marriage might not be a good idea. On the other hand, a partner whose quirks you love is a partner you can be with for life.

More questions to ask before popping the question - or saying yes - next time...

I was having drinks with a friend a couple of weeks ago. She mentioned that she dates the same types of men and was getting increasingly frustrated because the relationships were going nowhere. She had no problem meeting men, but they all seemed to be unavailable.

When I pressed her further, she admitted that many of the men she met were successful, ambitious, and enjoyed their independent lifestyles. But they didn’t want a girlfriend. They wanted simply a one-night stand, or a friends with benefits arrangement.

“I like being intellectually stimulated,” she said. “I can’t imagine being with a man who can’t hold a conversation about politics or doesn’t have some kind of passion or ambition. But it seems that when they are successful, they’re not usually looking for a girlfriend. I don’t want a casual relationship at this point in my life.”

I understood what she meant, but I sensed there was something more that she wasn’t admitting. After all, if she kept attracting men who weren’t meeting her needs, was there something she could be doing differently?

“Where do you meet these men?” I asked.

“Usually at bars, because I travel a lot and I like to socialize with men wherever I am. I’ve online dated, but it doesn’t really work for me. I’d rather let things happen organically and meet in person.”

I asked her to challenge herself by dating someone she didn’t consider her “type”. What if she started dating men who didn’t put work as a first priority? Or ones she didn’t meet at a bar while she was on the road? Maybe then her luck would change.

“Oh, I’ve done that. It didn’t work.” She quickly dismissed my idea. “I’m career-driven so my boyfriend should be, too.

When I pressed her, she started to reconsider. The issue was not with all the men she was attracting, it was how she was closing herself off to potentially great guys by being so set in her ways. She would only consider successful, ambitious men who didn’t have time for a relationship, instead of men who weren’t so tied to their jobs. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man who has a passion or who is intellectually stimulating, but that’s not what she was actually looking for. Instead, career success was her number one priority, which was limiting her opportunities. Why not date a teacher who is politically active in his community, or a computer programmer who enjoys traveling to exotic places?

She decided to take my challenge and go on a few dates with men who were not married to their careers. She also decided to try online dating again to widen the circle of people she tended to meet in bars and while traveling. Instead of assuming that all men she met were either unavailable or boring, she’s allowed herself to be open to possibility. In my experience, you have to have an open heart to find the right match, and that means letting go of your assumptions and expectations to make room for possibility.

We've already discussed 4 reasons some scientists believe that monogamy is the right choice for human relationships - now it's time to take a look at a few of the arguments for nonmonogamy.

Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, authors of a new book called "Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality," looked at the soaring divorce rate, the rising numbers of single parents, and the success of industries like couples therapy, and decided that something was terribly wrong with relationships in America. Their theory about the origin of this disaster is simple: "From a biological perspective, men and women simply aren't meant to be in lifelong monogamous unions." Ryan and Jetha offer evidence from the worlds of archaeology, biology, physiology, and anthropology in favor of embracing our nonmonogamous history:

1) Nonmonogamy is our natural state - monogamy only became important as property became a part of human lives. The advent of agriculture, about 10,000 years ago, changed human society forever. "Property wasn't a very important consideration when people were living in small, foraging groups where most things were shared, including food, childcare, shelter and defense," Ryan told Salon.com. Sexuality was also shared, and paternity was not an issue. As agriculture began to play a larger and larger role in human lives, however, men began to worry about whether or not children were biologically theirs, so that they could leave their accumulated property to their biological children after their deaths. Monogamy was just an easy way to guarantee that a man was the biological father of the children he was raising.

2) Having multiple partners is biologically advantageous. In pre-agricultural times, multiple men would mate with one woman. Afterwards, her reproductive system would distinguish which sperm cells were most compatible with her genetics, resulting in the healthiest possible child.

3) Humans are built to seek out novelty. Humans evolved to be sexually responsive to novelty, making a lifetime of blissful monogamy a difficult prospect. Genetically, humans are programed to seek out new partners (known as the Coolidge effect) and are less responsive to familiar partners (the Westermarck effect). Ancient humans were motivated by this drive to leave their small hunter-gatherer societies in favor of joining other groups, thereby avoiding incest and providing genetic variety and strength to future generations.

4) It's just plain unrealistic to expect that someone will only be attracted to one partner for the rest of their lives. Monogamy is a valid relationship choice, but deciding to follow a monogamous path doesn't mean that you will never feel the desire to have sex with other people again. It is unfair that modern society makes people feel like failures for looking at or fantasizing about someone other than their partners. Curiosity is just human nature.

Despite Ryan and Jetha's compelling research in favor of nonmonogamy, they do not believe that monogamy is unsustainable: "Lifelong sexual monogamy is something we can certainly choose, but it should an informed decision," says the FAQ on their Web site. "We're not recommending anything other than knowledge, introspection, and honesty... What individuals or couples do with this information (if anything) is up to them."