Advice

Is your idea of true love a handsome prince riding up on a white stallion to sweep you off your feet?

If so, you might want to adjust your ideas of romance before looking for love online. According to a recent article written by Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz for CNN, "online dating is the freaking savanna. Circa 2 million years ago. As in, early humans tearing around the open grasslands without much regard for courtship courtesy." In other words: if you're expecting a Disney fairytale when you join an online dating site, you'd better toughen up or log off.

When we turn to the Internet to find love, write Ehrlich and Bartz, "out come all our animalistic instincts: We refuse to give a second look to those who don't meet our physical requirements, rudely ignore those we don't find worthy and generally let our ids run wild." The World Wide Web is not for the faint of heart. For the more sensitive among us, online dating can be a harsh, cruel world - but that's no reason to give up on it all together.

Ehrlich and Bartz offer the following advice for easily offended online daters:

• If you send a message to someone you're interested in and they never respond... It hurts. Rejection always does. But it's not the end of the world. When you're forced to suffer through the silent treatment, remind yourself that the person who rejected you is someone you've never even met. They might be a jerk. They might be a loser. They might hate your all-time favorite band. You know next to nothing about them, and they know almost nothing about you, so ultimately nothing is lost, even if you feel sad for a little while.
• If you've exchanged several messages back and forth with someone and seem to have a genuine connection, then they suddenly go MIA... Check their profile. Are they still logging on, or have they abandoned the Internet completely? In the case of the first option, review your recent communications with them. Were you dull, pushy, needy, or creepy? Consider the experience a lesson in what-not-to-do, and make up for your mistakes with the next person. In the case of the second option, Erhlich and Bartz suggest telling yourself a story, like "Maybe she met someone great! Good for her," and moving on. In either case, don't waste your time continuing to message someone who has gone radio silent. Browse profiles for a new potential paramour to woo.

If you don't think you're up to the task of navigating the wild world of online dating armed only with a keyboard and all the self-confidence you've got, it's time for a reality check: "online dating could benefit from a protocol overhaul in terms of courtesy, but begging everyone to change the rules this late in the game would be stupid." So if you can't beat the cavemen, join them - club your pick over the head and drag them back to your online dating den. Whatever happens in the privacy of your own cave is up to you.

Jealousy is described in psychology as a negative emotion driven by feelings of insecurity and fear, culminating in resentment, sadness and anger. This emotion is usually associated with human relationships such as couples and lovers. This is far different from its cousin, envy.

In terms of romantic or love jealousy, one partner may feel (whether legitimately or not) that the other partner is paying more attention or time to someone else. The jaded partner may feel that she will be losing the other and feel threatened from the person supposedly being given more attention.

Scientifically, jealousy is also seen as a threat to the person's self-esteem since he or she feels that the partner is no longer giving the proper attention to them or the relationship. Whether the partner's actions are real or just perceived, the partner feels further threatened by images of their partner having sexual activity with someone else, further complicating the emotions and feelings.

Sadly, the accepted misconception today is that jealousy plays an important role in relationships. It actually even strengthens it, the misconception continues.

We must remember that one of the negative offspring of jealousy is possessiveness which can slowly eat into relationships.

For those whose partners are really two-timers and you can't help but feel really jealous, perhaps its time to dump the jealous fits and look closely at the relationship if it's still worth being jealous over.

The people we do fear - regardless of being male or female - are those people who, by nature, are natural jealous types even if the reasons are just perceived. These are the ones who are insecure and lack self-confidence. The general fear of these people is that others are physically and mentally better than they are and this is the reason why their partner is giving other people more time and attention. These people feel even more threatened when the person being given more attention by their partner is more attractive.

The jealousy that these people manifest is the most dangerous type because it is the defensive mode of the jealous person and this mode gradually takes over until the person loses all logic and clear thinking.

From the partner's side, if the jealousy is just perceived, then he or she will feel choked and suffocated as the result of the jealous partner who wants to keep an eye on them. Therefore, the natural instinct of the choking person is to break free.

Sometimes, it’s just difficult to meet someone in your own small town, and you’ve turned to online dating to broaden your search. Or maybe you did meet someone by chance, but they live on the other side of the country - or the world. Suddenly you’ve become thrust into a very specific kind of dating: the long-distance relationship. Though many consider a long distance to be the death knell for relationships, in fact many have led to successful, long-term partnerships. If you’re considering a long-distance relationship, it’s important to be aware of what you’re getting yourself into; all the pros and cons.

When you’re dealing with a long-distance relationship, it’s important to be practical. Adjustments are hard enough without assuming that everything will be unicorns and rainbows. Yes, you will probably spend more money on things that are less gratifying - gas, plane tickets and visas, for example - than presents and dates. Yes, the physical aspects of your relationship will be few and far-between. Though video chat does considerably lessen the feelings of distance, you’ll still have to inherently trust your partner, more and earlier. And that’s hard, especially when a practical person does have to realize that distance makes it easier to dupe someone, too.

However, long-distance relationships are not all gloom and doom. For one thing, having to make sacrifices early and often for a relationship really encourages those “adult,” “where-do-we-stand” conversations. Partners in a long-distance relationship essentially have to be on the same page for it to work. Secondly, most long-distance relationships have closing that distance as their end goal; instead of the endless limbo of dating someone because of convenience, things will either work out or they won’t - probably on a shorter timeline. And finally, working together to overcome a common goal - the distance between you - can contribute to the bonding experience.

But be aware of the traps that lurk in long-distance relationships! First and foremost is bitterness and resentment. These are toxic in the most stable of relationships, but they breed more easily when one of you has to give up your job, home, and life to move to the other one’s location. If you don’t want to do it, maybe it just won’t work out. That’s better than making the move, resenting your partner and eventually breaking up anyway.

Another hurdle is the opinions of friends and family. Be prepared for many raised eyebrows and pointed questions. Remember that though they may seem nosy or unhelpful, most of these questions come from a place of concern and love. Don’t create enemies, especially when you might either leave or be trying to integrate someone new into your family soon. And it doesn’t hurt to consider their views, either; sometimes love can blind us to red flags.

With a combination of faith in your relationship and practical attention to detail, it’s entirely possible to turn your long-distance relationship into a long-lasting (and up-close and personal) partnership. It might not be something you want to enter lightly, but the rewards can be well worth it.

"Be unique."

If you've ever sought dating advice from devoted friends, concerned family members, or online experts, you've encountered this pearl of wisdom more times than you can possibly keep track of.

And why not? It's legitimately good advice. In a world where millions of singles are looking for love online, you have to stand out from the crowd in order to be noticed. For most online daters, that means nothing more crafting witty headlines and agonizing over which profile picture sums up their personality best For others, however - like Matt Simpson and Chas McFeely - the quest to be different in hopes of finding love online knows no bounds.

Matt Simpson was just a tech-savvy 30-something from Tempe, Arizona when his quest for The One, and an ad he purchased on Facebook, made him an Internet sensation. He describes himself as "a single guy with specific taste" on his blog, and adds "I'm only interested in women with the potential to become my intellectual and spiritual partner over the long term." To find this woman, Simpson turned to Facebook. Due to the incredible amount of data the site collects on its users, individuals looking to buy ads on Facebook - like Simpson - can adapt their campaigns to target very specific groups of people. In Simpson's case, the target is the "spiritual, yoga-practicing, between 28-35, and living within 25 miles of Tempe, Arizona" girl of his dreams (TIME).

In addition to helping him stand out from the crowd, Simpson's unique approach to online dating might be saving him money: at $0.75 per click, there's a good chance he's spending less on his Facebook ad than he would in a bar or on a traditional online dating site!

Matt Simpson is not the only love-seeker who's capitalizing on the Internet's massive matchmaking possibilities. Chas McFeely, of San Francisco, CA, is so determined that the World Wide Web will find him love that he started a website - www.HookChasUp.com - solely devoted to locating his future wife. And he's offering a $10,000 reward to the person who introduces him to her.

When asked by Village Voice how he decided which women to go on dates with, McFeely said "I read the emails. I look at the photos. If something clicks, I get in touch and see if there's any interest in meeting. I also have my best girl friend lending a perceptive eye."

Odd as the idea may sound, McFeely seems to be on to something: as of March 2011, when the site had only been up for two weeks, he had received around 700 responses, one of which put him in touch with "a popular European musician."

Though neither Simpson or McFeely have found their dream girls yet, both have faith in the Web's ability to play Cupid. Simpson believes that allowing women to "opt in" to learning more about him, as opposed to seeing his name as one of many on a dating site, will increase his chances of finding love online, and McFeely reaffirmed his unwavering commitment to the cause to the Village Voice: "I'm in it until I find her," he declared. Best of luck to both.

People who are new to world of online dating are often a little surprised at the responses they get from first-contact emails. Perhaps most surprising is the fact that often, you might not get a response at all.

“I just don’t get it,” someone recently said to me. “I go through the trouble of writing an email to them; why can’t they take two minutes to write back? I think the not knowing is worse than a rejection.”

Whether or not it’s more ethical to reject than not reply at all, the sad fact is that a non-reply has become increasingly common. Perhaps it’s due to the ephemeral nature of emails; it’s easy to simply delete them and never think about it again. Some online dating sites provide a form rejection, which, again, may sting, but at least you know where you stand. However, even then, emails that never get replies are not uncommon.

For someone new to online dating, rejections and non-answers can be an early discouragement if you’re not prepared for them. It’s important to have a realistic view as you begin to send out your first emails - so let’s talk numbers. If you’re a man, sending emails to women, you’re actually doing well if you get one in ten positive responses - and a positive response means another email, not necessarily a date. For women, the numbers are a little better, as men are more inclined to respond. Is that fair to men? Not really, but in the meantime all we can do is encourage women to respond more and email more themselves.

Though the numbers may be grim, that’s no reason to copy-and-paste first-contact emails. Yes, you shouldn’t stress over each individual email, but remember that there is a person at the other end, not a lotto machine. A first-contact email can be only a few sentences, so it’s not difficult to ask a question that indicates you’ve actually read their profile. While many emails may be sent out into the ether, one could be sent to your future match. Do you really want to send out a copy-and-pasted letter to them?

If you watch movies and television, you might very well have a poor perception of relationships. See, people who are happy and in long-term relationships don’t provide much drama; they don’t move the plot along. So, writers tend to kill them off, or break them up. When they’re not doing that, they use the “hum-drum reality” of a long-term relationship to stifle the main character and cause them to either break down or change their life. In the eyes of Hollywood, the worst place you can be is in the suburbs, married, unless a murder is on the way.

Due precisely to these sort of depictions of relationships, I’ve known people who were excessively worried about their love lives becoming “too comfortable, too quickly.” A friend of mine, Ruth, spoke to me about it yesterday.

“Now, what do you mean, comfortable?” I asked.

“Oh, you know,” she said. “Some days and times are exciting, but the rest of the time it’s all burp jokes and video games and Chinese food.”

“And are any of these things bad?”

“Well, no,” she admitted. “Actually, they’re fun.”

What I told Ruth - and what I believe to be true - is that the “excitement” in a relationship rarely dwindles away into nothing. What she was describing was essentially what life in a relationship is like. Some days, some times are exciting. Other times are fun and “comfortable,” content. Some days there are even arguments or stress. What I’d look for is a relationship where the fun and content outweighs everything else. You’re not looking for a manic life, where everything is amazing; you want to be able to relax, and enjoy life with a partner who truly makes you feel, well, comfortable.

Sure, not all parts of a relationship are the sweeping romance you see on the big screen. However, neither do they then necessarily devolve into drudgery. Instead of worrying whether your relationship matches those of Hollywood, why not follow your own story?