Advice

There are some people who, when they commit to a project, like to do everything the “right” way. The reasoning seems sensible: if you do something, do it right the first time, and as professionally as possible. Thus, home renovations aren’t done without consulting contractors. Haircuts and manicures take place at salons, not on the back porch at the hands of the teenaged neighborhood “artist.” And when these people commit to giving the world of online dating a try, sometimes they decide to get pictures professionally taken.

The problem is, professional pictures aren’t necessarily the best move when you’re trying to make a first impression. “Why?” you may ask. “After all, they’re professionals! They can probably make me look better than I can.” While it’s true that a professionally-taken picture can be preferable to a creepy cell phone self-portrait in a bathroom mirror, even the best pro pictures don’t usually stand up to a good, candid photo where you’re having a good time. Simply put, even though we may be pulling our faces into the same general shape, a genuine smile doesn’t use the same muscles as a posed one. People can instinctively tell the difference, even if they don’t realize it.

Secondly, an online dating profile is all about personality. You want to show who you are, and a candid photo is one of the best ways to do so. Sure, it might be nice to have a picture where you look pretty standing in front of a mountain, but unless you’re a mountain climber, it doesn’t actually give any insight into your personality. Think about actors and their headshots: the whole point of professional headshots is to show that you’re photogenic, yes, but also versatile, a blank slate. Do you want others to think of you as a blank slate?

As you begin to craft your profile, remember that though you want to make a good first impression, you also want to make an accurate one. Some things are best left to the professionals; others, however, are better with a more personal touch.

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In general, I tell people to be patient when they’ve just been set up on a blind date. After all, it’s not the end of the world to meet someone new; if you don’t often meet new people through your job or hobbies, it could actually be beneficial. And after all, the people who set you up are usually doing it from a place of love.

Being patient doesn’t mean you need to emulate it, however. It’s not uncommon for those who have newly found a relationship - whether it be through online dating, blind dating, or some other way - to feel that suddenly it’s their turn to play matchmaker. Whether they just want everyone else to be as happy as they are, or they feel they “deserve” to put their own loved ones in awkward situations, the urge to dabble in matchmaking can be tempting. And it should be firmly ignored.

“But I’ve learned all these dating tips and tricks!” you might say. “I just want to share my knowledge!” And share you can - in general terms. Not quite the same thing as locking two people up together in a room alone for a few hours.

One of the arguments commonly given in favor of matchmaking is that an objective third party may be better able to see what someone really needs. And this might even be true; but when you’re dealing with a family member or close friend, you’re not really objective, are you? The desire to see your loved one “attached” can easily outweigh any discernment, and soon you’re looking to justify your choice, rather than objectively weighing whether they’d be a good match.

It’s also common to set up your loved one with someone you see all the time - a neighbor, a coworker. What if the blind date doesn’t work out? Are you prepared to see the rejected date every day thereafter? When you have something to lose, it often results in added pressure on the unlucky couple. As a general rule of thumb, the only people with something to lose in the outcome of a date should be the two people involved.

“Okay,” you’re saying, crestfallen. “I just wanted to help out my lonely friend.” And so you can! Offer advice when asked, and support at all times. And if there are two people that you just know would be perfect for each other, try throwing a party. Invite them (and many others, too). If they really are a compatible match, that might be all the nudging they need. Leave the matchmaking to the movies.

When most people step into the world of online dating, they have one, very specific goal in mind: to find love. Simple, right? Unfortunately, sometimes the very scope of that goal causes unnecessary fear and paralysis. They aren’t going on a date; they’re interviewing a potential spouse! They aren’t saying hello; they’re setting the course of their destiny! Before you know it, you have someone who’s afraid to go to the grocery store when they aren’t looking their best, “just in case” their future love is in the cereal aisle.

In many ways, it’s similar to the challenges people face when they try to lose weight. To say, “I want to lose thirty pounds” is daunting to say the least. Progress seems incredibly slow, and many give up before they’ve even put in much work, simply because it’s mentally exhausting. However, saying, “I’d like to lose one to two pounds a week for a month,” isn’t so bad - and then the next month, when you set that goal again, it’s even easier.

Tackling online dating in much the same way might just save your nerves and your sanity. Instead of looking for love, take small steps in the short-term. A first goal might be carefully writing and editing a profile. Once you’re satisfied with that, set a goal for the number of first-contact emails you’ll write per week (somewhere between five and ten is recommended). Remember, all you’re doing is essentially saying hello - nothing too stressful about that!

Another way to incrementally grow your dating skill is to take it out in public. Try setting a goal to smile or say hello to random strangers - they don’t even have to be people you’re interested in. Once you’re used to meeting new people, a first date will be all the easier.

Online dating and the prospect of “love” can be intimidating; rather than disadvantaging yourself with nerves, try to take the process in as many small steps as you can. Meeting new people is a skill, after all; there’s nothing wrong with a little practice.

You’ve decided to try out the world of online dating, and you’ve chosen a site. When you sit down to write your profile, however, your mind goes blank. No, worse than blank - you know all about your life, and you’re convinced you must be the most boring person on the planet.

Here’s a secret: most people don’t consider themselves anything other than ordinary at best. People who have the most exciting careers and hobbies imaginable - the sort of people they make TV series about - don’t see themselves as anything special. While their humility is sweet, it doesn’t really help them catch the eye of their readers.

What does stand out? Enthusiasm. For those who are worried about appearing arrogant, fear not; if you don’t want to talk about how awesome you are, just share the excitement you already feel for something in your life. Maybe you’ve taken up boating: talk about the freedom and power of the ocean. Maybe you’re a journalist: share the frantic atmosphere of a newsroom. You could even talk about the serenity you’ve found with yoga. Is life exciting and fun every day? No, but no one’s is. Try to capture your feelings on the days you truly enjoy.

Emotions are contagious; if you think your life is a bore, it’ll show and everyone else will agree. If you’re excited and positive about something, however, even a passion you don’t share, like physics or birdhouse building, your good mood will leap off the page and into the smile of the reader. And the enthusiasm lingers; you’ll be remembered more positively, too.

Of course, some days it’s hard to muster up enthusiasm for anything, even things you normally enjoy. Some days are just devoid of color. How can your write a profile then?

The simple answer: don’t. You don’t have to publish an online profile until you’re good and ready. If you’re not in a good mood, don’t even try to write a profile (and certainly don’t try to take a picture). Who wants their first impression to be a snapshot of a bad day? A profile is only a few paragraphs, not the next great novel; holding off until you’re feeling good about something is well worth the wait.

Recently a good portion of the world watched as a Prince walked down the aisle with his new bride. Even if you had no interest in royalty or weddings, there’s a good chance you know some random detail about the events, their courtship, or the after-party.

It got me thinking about weddings. In general, the planning of a wedding is incredibly stressful. I can’t tell you how many brides I’ve known who planned a wedding that wasn’t what they really wanted because “the family would be disappointed” or “it’s what’s expected.” If you were to listen to these stressed-out brides, there’s nothing everyone loves more than a super-traditional wedding.

I recently did a survey of all the people in a room and asked them if they’d ever been to a wedding they enjoyed, and what they liked about it. The “fun” and “awesome” weddings were all different: surprise weddings, destination weddings, elopements, themed weddings. Most importantly, they fit the couple getting married. Those traditional weddings? They were called “stuffy” and “a dime-a-dozen.” Even though these couples are tearing themselves apart to plan a party that “meets expectations,” people seem to enjoy the ones where the couple is relaxed and doing what they want to do.

So too is it in the world of dating and relationships. Too often, stress in a relationship comes not from incompatibility, but from frustration about meeting expectations. “We should be engaged by now,” someone might think, or, “this girl isn’t the sort of girl my mother will like.” Instead of looking at someone and appreciating who they are, we tend to look at the boxes that don’t quite fit around our partner or our relationship. Very few things are worse for a partnership than comparing it against the relationships of others.

As you go on dates and enter into new relationships, don’t think about what you should be doing or how you should be feeling. Instead, remember that you’re two unique people, forming a brand-new combination. At the end of the day, the party is for the two of you, not anyone else.

Is your idea of true love a handsome prince riding up on a white stallion to sweep you off your feet?

If so, you might want to adjust your ideas of romance before looking for love online. According to a recent article written by Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz for CNN, "online dating is the freaking savanna. Circa 2 million years ago. As in, early humans tearing around the open grasslands without much regard for courtship courtesy." In other words: if you're expecting a Disney fairytale when you join an online dating site, you'd better toughen up or log off.

When we turn to the Internet to find love, write Ehrlich and Bartz, "out come all our animalistic instincts: We refuse to give a second look to those who don't meet our physical requirements, rudely ignore those we don't find worthy and generally let our ids run wild." The World Wide Web is not for the faint of heart. For the more sensitive among us, online dating can be a harsh, cruel world - but that's no reason to give up on it all together.

Ehrlich and Bartz offer the following advice for easily offended online daters:

• If you send a message to someone you're interested in and they never respond... It hurts. Rejection always does. But it's not the end of the world. When you're forced to suffer through the silent treatment, remind yourself that the person who rejected you is someone you've never even met. They might be a jerk. They might be a loser. They might hate your all-time favorite band. You know next to nothing about them, and they know almost nothing about you, so ultimately nothing is lost, even if you feel sad for a little while.
• If you've exchanged several messages back and forth with someone and seem to have a genuine connection, then they suddenly go MIA... Check their profile. Are they still logging on, or have they abandoned the Internet completely? In the case of the first option, review your recent communications with them. Were you dull, pushy, needy, or creepy? Consider the experience a lesson in what-not-to-do, and make up for your mistakes with the next person. In the case of the second option, Erhlich and Bartz suggest telling yourself a story, like "Maybe she met someone great! Good for her," and moving on. In either case, don't waste your time continuing to message someone who has gone radio silent. Browse profiles for a new potential paramour to woo.

If you don't think you're up to the task of navigating the wild world of online dating armed only with a keyboard and all the self-confidence you've got, it's time for a reality check: "online dating could benefit from a protocol overhaul in terms of courtesy, but begging everyone to change the rules this late in the game would be stupid." So if you can't beat the cavemen, join them - club your pick over the head and drag them back to your online dating den. Whatever happens in the privacy of your own cave is up to you.