Dating

As you may have noticed, some online dating sites are specifically geared toward certain types of relationships. For example, one site may be dedicated to finding the person you’ll eventually marry; another might focus on one-night stands. In general, the concept is quite useful; if you’re looking for the future Committed Partner and they’re just looking for a one-time hookup, it’s better to know before you get emotionally invested. However - particularly when it comes to a long-term goal like a committed relationship - is there such a thing as too much planning?

Let’s take the example of the One-Night-Stander vs. the Looking-for-Lover once again. In this instance, it makes sense that the cards should be put on the table right away, and both should probably move on to someone else, because the One-Night-Stander can easily find someone else with no strings attached. It’s an immediate conflict of interest between the two.

Now let’s send the Looking-for-Lover on a different date. The potential match is also interested, ultimately, in a long-term commitment. But there’s a problem - the potential match is finishing up their last years working on their PhD. In a few years, they may have to move somewhere else, depending on where their career takes them. So the Looking-for-Lover decides that since the future is so uncertain, and they’re solely interested in something long-term, there’s no point in a second date.

The Looking-for-Lover certainly has a shot at finding someone else compatible with a more secure future, but at the same time, they might have thrown away something valuable with their potential match. Two years is a long time; they might have moved on naturally due to incompatibility, or they might have been madly in love and planning marriage. Looking-for-Lover might have wanted to move with their potential match, or a compromise might have been found. No one can predict what the future could have held.

And so it is when you begin any relationship; even if your ultimate goal is a long-term commitment, you still have to move through the same steps as anyone else, like initial chemistry or surviving the first six months of dating or seeing each other with the flu. No matter how ready or on the same page you both might be from day one, you’ll still have to put in the same amount of time to establish a trusting, communicative, loving relationship.

So as you head out on your first dates, be aware of immediate conflicts of interest, but try to put the long-term plans on a back burner. Even if you’re meeting your future life partner, your lives may look completely different by the time you take that step. Why waste energy micro-managing what’s in the now for what might be in the future?

Dating can be tricky, and not just because it's hard to meet people and potentially enter into a new relationship. Dating has changed in the past few years, so much so that many people are choosing to be more relaxed about it, preferring to "hang out" instead of putting forth the effort to make it an official date.

Hanging out is a broad term that could mean you are getting together as friends, as a hook-up, or as potential romantic partners, making dating even more confusing than it already is. In addition, hanging out could mean going out together one-on-one or going out as a group, making the dating waters even murkier.

So what should you do if you're constantly being asked to "hang out," rather than go on a proper date?

This can be tricky, since the terms are becoming more interchangeable. I think the main point to consider is what exactly you want. Are you happy to have a lot of friends, maybe with some benefits? Are you looking to date, but not exclusively? Or are you seeking a long-term relationship?

It's very important to know what you want when you're single. You are the only one who can set up boundaries for yourself - nobody else is going to draw them for you. So if it irritates you that the men you like want to just "hang out" and see if something happens after a few beers or cocktails, then don't agree to this. If you prefer being asked out and meeting each other one-on-one (on a date), let him know. If he's not interested, then it's better to know early than to go down a murky road of getting together from time to time, not knowing if he's interested in you or what exactly he wants.

If he's uncomfortable with the idea of dating, or if you both are, then consider it an experiment. Try doing something together instead of having dinner and worrying about what to say to each other. Maybe you can ride bikes, or see a game, or check out an art museum.

Try to take the pressure off of yourselves by thinking of a date as simply a meeting to get to know each other. Maybe you're interested, maybe you're not, and that's okay - it is the point of having a date - to see if there's any chemistry between you.

If you'd rather date in a group, or prefer the casual approach of hanging out and seeing what happens, then it's your choice, too. Just make sure you know what you want, and that you're not just accepting something that makes you uncomfortable. Life and romance are too short to play games or to sit around and wait. Take charge of your romantic life now.

When you’re actively looking for love, there’s one sinkhole that can be difficult to avoid: jealousy. Sure, jealousy is something that you can encounter in any facet of life, but in romance it seems to be particularly easy to stumble across, and can take many forms: the happily married co-worker, the teens making out in the mall. Even the obnoxiously attractive acquaintance on your social networking site can trigger feelings of jealousy (surely such an attractive person has no trouble finding a date, right?).

Jealousy is something you want to give a wide berth, because it’s kissing cousins with another attribute: bitterness. Not only is bitterness something to avoid in general - it will make you generally, even unnecessarily, unhappy in a self-perpetuating cycle - it’s also unattractive, so it’s doubly bad for dating. Avoiding jealousy is easier said than done, though; you have to essentially counter a gut, instant reaction with cool logic. With a little self-awareness, though, it can be done. Here are a few points to help you start out:

First, remember that you’re helping no one by getting annoyed, angry or jealous at someone else. You’re not making yourself feel better; you’re probably just making yourself feel worse. It’s in your best interest to lift yourself out of the doldrums, by distracting yourself, removing yourself from the situation, or whatever other technique works for you.

Next, remember that you’re only seeing a tiny piece of the real story. Picture your co-workers; do you think they truly see an accurate representation of you? Do they know your personal struggles? Likely not; and if you come into work smiling, upbeat and with a lottery ticket that’s won you five dollars, they might just think something like, “Man, that person always has it together.” Similarly, you have no idea what problems that person you know through social networking has. You have no idea if that couple who seem like they’re in love actually are - and if they are, you don’t know the work they’ve done or the trials they’ve overcome to get there.

Finally, remember that everyone has ups and downs and romantic dry spells in their lives. You notice those happy couples because love is on your mind; you’re seeing people at their best, on their highs. You aren’t counting the number of single people you pass on the street. You’ve had highs before, and will again.

It’s tempting to succumb to jealousy; it’s far easier to wallow than to rationalize, empathize, and cheer yourself up. But as you continue on your dating journey, try to keep an eye out for those jealousy sinkholes. It may be easier to wallow in the short term, but rationalizing yourself out of it is still far easier than lifting yourself out of the quicksand of bitterness.

Want to break away from the traditional coffee date? After an endless number of caffeinated meet-ups I don't blame you. Coffee dates are easy to arrange and you can leave quickly if it's not going well, but they can also feel forced. How witty can you be when you have half an hour to charm someone? The pressure for conversation and interesting stories can be high. This means that you and your date probably won't get a real sense of each other over one cup of coffee.

So why not try something else for a change, even if it takes a little more time? Think of things you like to do on a regular basis so you can spend time doing something you'd do alone anyway. Usually active dates are more engaging, because you aren't sitting across from each other thinking of things to talk about. You're doing something together, which feels much less pressured.

Following are some alternatives to the coffee date:

Walk your dogs together. Do you both have dogs, or perhaps just one of you? Then dog walking in a local park is an excellent way to get to know each other and get your pooch a little exercise in the meantime. Dogs are great ice breakers.

Indoor rock climbing. If you're both the adventurous type, then rock climbing is a good first date for you. Even if you don't live near a mountain, there are plenty of indoor options no matter the weather. Check your local athletic stores like REI and see where the best places to go might be.

Go for a run. Maybe it's not working out at your gym, but as long as the weather is nice and maybe a little cool in the evening, why not get together for a run? This is a great date for those of you who enjoy dating other outdoor/ athletic types. Plus, you don't have to worry about dressing up in heels.

Explore like a kid again. When was the last time you visited your local aquarium, or the zoo, or even played miniature golf? Some of those activities we really enjoyed as kids don't seem sophisticated enough for a first date, but often they help both of you to let your guards down and enjoy the moment. So give them another try.

Art galleries. Not into breaking a sweat on your first date? I love quirky little streets with boutique shops, galleries, and markets. Are you familiar with the city you live in and all of its unique neighborhoods? Search your local paper for exhibit openings. Sometimes they will offer receptions as well if it's opening night. Exploring galleries is a fun and creative way to spend a first date - and it's better than sharing cups of coffee.

Breaking up with someone you love can feel like the world is falling apart. Many times, we long for a chance to rekindle those old flames, to get back what we've lost. We think that when we reunite, things will be different, that our lives are better with our ex in the picture rather than going forward on our own.

But what really happens when you return to the person who broke your heart? Do you enter into a relationship weary, or with a sense of purpose to make sure things go well? Does your relationship fall into the same patterns, or have you been able to move forward together?

Getting back together with an ex can be difficult, especially if not enough time has gone by and you're both feeling lonely. Nobody can change overnight, and there is a reason the two of you didn't work out. Everyone needs time to process feelings, anger, and grief after a break-up, so getting back together right away isn't always the best solution, no matter how strong the chemistry is.

But let's say you and your ex haven't dated in a while - perhaps even years. But when you see him, your knees go weak and you can't control your feelings and attraction. Maybe your jealousy still rages when you see him with another woman. You wonder what's wrong, why you can't seem to get over him.

Some people in our lives can have a strong pull on our hearts. But this doesn't mean that they are long-term relationship material for us. Sometimes, they can teach us the most valuable lessons about ourselves.

While it's tempting to get back together with an ex, to throw caution to the wind and embrace the chemistry you share, often it doesn't last. You could find yourself devastated once again, wondering what happened.

Before you enter into another relationship, ask yourself a few questions first: is he emotionally (and physically) available for you? Are you both looking for the same thing (long term relationship vs. fling)? Does he make you feel good about yourself, or does he tend to pick you apart? Does he need you, or is he fully capable of taking care of himself in a mature relationship?

We gravitate towards what we know and what we feel comfortable with. If we like projects, or unavailable men, etc., we tend to pick the same type of romantic partner over and over again (or in this case, the same actual partner). And so we keep repeating the same mistakes, instead of moving forward in our love lives.

So instead of going back to your ex, take a bold step forward. Ask someone out who seems totally different. Don't spend your time thinking about what your ex is doing, live your own life. Make new friends. See what happens in unfamiliar territory, and go from there.

What is your usual Friday or Saturday night routine? Do you prefer going out with your girlfriends to a downtown bar or club? I have to admit, it was fun to hang out with my friends when I was single. We would laugh, swap stories, drink cocktails, and I felt like I was part of something cool, that my life was like a less expensive version of Sex and the City. Except for some reason, most guys didn't approach us.

Sometimes there were a few brave souls in my group who would venture over to strike up a conversation with a man and his friends at the bar, inviting them to come join us or swapping numbers or Facebook names with their mobiles. But most of the time, we sat in our little circle, looking around at the crowd and wondering who would approach.

This was not an effective way of meeting men, obviously. I never thought about how intimidating it might be for a single guy to approach a woman with her friends surrounding her. Friends can be a ruthless, judgmental bunch. Who would want to deal with that?

I learned over time that the most effective way to meet men when you're out with the girls is to make yourself more approachable. Following are a few tips on how to do this.

Separate yourself from the pack. I'm not saying you should ditch your friends, but it's a good idea to wean yourself away so you're not always in a huddle together. Go up to the bar by yourself and order a drink. Take a walk around the club by yourself. More men will be open to approaching you and striking up a conversation when you're alone as opposed to with your friends. It just makes things easier.

Put your phone down. Your phone acts as a friend when you're out, as well as a security blanket. Don't let it. Instead of checking your Facebook or Twitter accounts or texting your friends who are out doing other things, try putting your phone away in a pocket or purse. Think about it: would you approach someone whose face was buried in his phone? Probably not.

Make eye contact. This one is so important. Men look for signals to approach, and the number one signal that gives them the okay is eye contact. If you look away when they catch your eye, or turn back to your group of friends, it lets him know you're not interested. So if you are, meet his gaze. Give him a smile. Show him that it is okay to approach you. Or better yet, go up and talk to him.