Dating

When you’re actively looking for love, there’s one sinkhole that can be difficult to avoid: jealousy. Sure, jealousy is something that you can encounter in any facet of life, but in romance it seems to be particularly easy to stumble across, and can take many forms: the happily married co-worker, the teens making out in the mall. Even the obnoxiously attractive acquaintance on your social networking site can trigger feelings of jealousy (surely such an attractive person has no trouble finding a date, right?).

Jealousy is something you want to give a wide berth, because it’s kissing cousins with another attribute: bitterness. Not only is bitterness something to avoid in general - it will make you generally, even unnecessarily, unhappy in a self-perpetuating cycle - it’s also unattractive, so it’s doubly bad for dating. Avoiding jealousy is easier said than done, though; you have to essentially counter a gut, instant reaction with cool logic. With a little self-awareness, though, it can be done. Here are a few points to help you start out:

First, remember that you’re helping no one by getting annoyed, angry or jealous at someone else. You’re not making yourself feel better; you’re probably just making yourself feel worse. It’s in your best interest to lift yourself out of the doldrums, by distracting yourself, removing yourself from the situation, or whatever other technique works for you.

Next, remember that you’re only seeing a tiny piece of the real story. Picture your co-workers; do you think they truly see an accurate representation of you? Do they know your personal struggles? Likely not; and if you come into work smiling, upbeat and with a lottery ticket that’s won you five dollars, they might just think something like, “Man, that person always has it together.” Similarly, you have no idea what problems that person you know through social networking has. You have no idea if that couple who seem like they’re in love actually are - and if they are, you don’t know the work they’ve done or the trials they’ve overcome to get there.

Finally, remember that everyone has ups and downs and romantic dry spells in their lives. You notice those happy couples because love is on your mind; you’re seeing people at their best, on their highs. You aren’t counting the number of single people you pass on the street. You’ve had highs before, and will again.

It’s tempting to succumb to jealousy; it’s far easier to wallow than to rationalize, empathize, and cheer yourself up. But as you continue on your dating journey, try to keep an eye out for those jealousy sinkholes. It may be easier to wallow in the short term, but rationalizing yourself out of it is still far easier than lifting yourself out of the quicksand of bitterness.

Want to break away from the traditional coffee date? After an endless number of caffeinated meet-ups I don't blame you. Coffee dates are easy to arrange and you can leave quickly if it's not going well, but they can also feel forced. How witty can you be when you have half an hour to charm someone? The pressure for conversation and interesting stories can be high. This means that you and your date probably won't get a real sense of each other over one cup of coffee.

So why not try something else for a change, even if it takes a little more time? Think of things you like to do on a regular basis so you can spend time doing something you'd do alone anyway. Usually active dates are more engaging, because you aren't sitting across from each other thinking of things to talk about. You're doing something together, which feels much less pressured.

Following are some alternatives to the coffee date:

Walk your dogs together. Do you both have dogs, or perhaps just one of you? Then dog walking in a local park is an excellent way to get to know each other and get your pooch a little exercise in the meantime. Dogs are great ice breakers.

Indoor rock climbing. If you're both the adventurous type, then rock climbing is a good first date for you. Even if you don't live near a mountain, there are plenty of indoor options no matter the weather. Check your local athletic stores like REI and see where the best places to go might be.

Go for a run. Maybe it's not working out at your gym, but as long as the weather is nice and maybe a little cool in the evening, why not get together for a run? This is a great date for those of you who enjoy dating other outdoor/ athletic types. Plus, you don't have to worry about dressing up in heels.

Explore like a kid again. When was the last time you visited your local aquarium, or the zoo, or even played miniature golf? Some of those activities we really enjoyed as kids don't seem sophisticated enough for a first date, but often they help both of you to let your guards down and enjoy the moment. So give them another try.

Art galleries. Not into breaking a sweat on your first date? I love quirky little streets with boutique shops, galleries, and markets. Are you familiar with the city you live in and all of its unique neighborhoods? Search your local paper for exhibit openings. Sometimes they will offer receptions as well if it's opening night. Exploring galleries is a fun and creative way to spend a first date - and it's better than sharing cups of coffee.

Breaking up with someone you love can feel like the world is falling apart. Many times, we long for a chance to rekindle those old flames, to get back what we've lost. We think that when we reunite, things will be different, that our lives are better with our ex in the picture rather than going forward on our own.

But what really happens when you return to the person who broke your heart? Do you enter into a relationship weary, or with a sense of purpose to make sure things go well? Does your relationship fall into the same patterns, or have you been able to move forward together?

Getting back together with an ex can be difficult, especially if not enough time has gone by and you're both feeling lonely. Nobody can change overnight, and there is a reason the two of you didn't work out. Everyone needs time to process feelings, anger, and grief after a break-up, so getting back together right away isn't always the best solution, no matter how strong the chemistry is.

But let's say you and your ex haven't dated in a while - perhaps even years. But when you see him, your knees go weak and you can't control your feelings and attraction. Maybe your jealousy still rages when you see him with another woman. You wonder what's wrong, why you can't seem to get over him.

Some people in our lives can have a strong pull on our hearts. But this doesn't mean that they are long-term relationship material for us. Sometimes, they can teach us the most valuable lessons about ourselves.

While it's tempting to get back together with an ex, to throw caution to the wind and embrace the chemistry you share, often it doesn't last. You could find yourself devastated once again, wondering what happened.

Before you enter into another relationship, ask yourself a few questions first: is he emotionally (and physically) available for you? Are you both looking for the same thing (long term relationship vs. fling)? Does he make you feel good about yourself, or does he tend to pick you apart? Does he need you, or is he fully capable of taking care of himself in a mature relationship?

We gravitate towards what we know and what we feel comfortable with. If we like projects, or unavailable men, etc., we tend to pick the same type of romantic partner over and over again (or in this case, the same actual partner). And so we keep repeating the same mistakes, instead of moving forward in our love lives.

So instead of going back to your ex, take a bold step forward. Ask someone out who seems totally different. Don't spend your time thinking about what your ex is doing, live your own life. Make new friends. See what happens in unfamiliar territory, and go from there.

What is your usual Friday or Saturday night routine? Do you prefer going out with your girlfriends to a downtown bar or club? I have to admit, it was fun to hang out with my friends when I was single. We would laugh, swap stories, drink cocktails, and I felt like I was part of something cool, that my life was like a less expensive version of Sex and the City. Except for some reason, most guys didn't approach us.

Sometimes there were a few brave souls in my group who would venture over to strike up a conversation with a man and his friends at the bar, inviting them to come join us or swapping numbers or Facebook names with their mobiles. But most of the time, we sat in our little circle, looking around at the crowd and wondering who would approach.

This was not an effective way of meeting men, obviously. I never thought about how intimidating it might be for a single guy to approach a woman with her friends surrounding her. Friends can be a ruthless, judgmental bunch. Who would want to deal with that?

I learned over time that the most effective way to meet men when you're out with the girls is to make yourself more approachable. Following are a few tips on how to do this.

Separate yourself from the pack. I'm not saying you should ditch your friends, but it's a good idea to wean yourself away so you're not always in a huddle together. Go up to the bar by yourself and order a drink. Take a walk around the club by yourself. More men will be open to approaching you and striking up a conversation when you're alone as opposed to with your friends. It just makes things easier.

Put your phone down. Your phone acts as a friend when you're out, as well as a security blanket. Don't let it. Instead of checking your Facebook or Twitter accounts or texting your friends who are out doing other things, try putting your phone away in a pocket or purse. Think about it: would you approach someone whose face was buried in his phone? Probably not.

Make eye contact. This one is so important. Men look for signals to approach, and the number one signal that gives them the okay is eye contact. If you look away when they catch your eye, or turn back to your group of friends, it lets him know you're not interested. So if you are, meet his gaze. Give him a smile. Show him that it is okay to approach you. Or better yet, go up and talk to him.

First dates can be tough. When you're meeting someone for the first time, it's typical to feel nervous and self-conscious, especially when you are trying to think of things to say to keep the conversation going. Do you wonder sometimes if it would make things easier to ask a couple of friends along and take the pressure off of you?

According to a new study by DatingAdvice.com, you're not alone in that thought. Twenty percent of those surveyed said they would rather go on a first date in a group than meet someone one-on-one.

Surprisingly, women seem to be embracing this concept more than men. The results show that they were twice as likely as men to prefer a group date for a first date.

Seniors were also more excited about the concept of a group first date, even more so than their younger counterparts. Twenty-four percent of those 65 and older said they would prefer it, compared to only 15% of those aged 25 to 34. Perhaps because group dating seems easier if you're jumping back into the dating pool for the first time after a divorce, rather than figuring out how to go it alone. However, 21% of 18 to 24 year-olds said they would rather go on a group date, which seems to be more typical among college students.

Asian-Americans were the most enthusiastic of the concept compared to other ethnicities, with more than 25% preferring a group date for the first date, compared with only 12% of African-Americans, the group least excited about the idea.

Income also seemed to play a factor. According to survey results, people with higher incomes (between $100,000 and $124,000 annually) preferred group dates, compared with those making $25,000 to $49,999 per year who were 54% less likely to want a group date.

Gay men and women were among the least likely groups to prefer group dates for first dates, at least three times less than heterosexuals.

The study posed an interesting question, because the group date seems to be gaining popularity, or at least the concept of it. Many people, especially those who are below 25 or above 65, seem to be less comfortable with the idea of meeting someone one-on-one for the first time. Maybe it's because they feel they don't have the skills or experience to have a good first date, or maybe it helps take the pressure off when you're trying to create a new life for yourself.

The study surveyed 1,080 participants across America, balancing age, race, gender, etc. according to the general population.

Some things just don’t mix well: oil and water, politics and Thanksgiving dinner. And, believe it or not, alcohol and the first date.

There are many that oppose this concept; for example, they might not want to stifle any aspect of who they are, no matter how trivial. Some might want a drink to loosen up and better “be themselves.” Perhaps the reasoning is that they drink socially all the time, and have for years, and thus are confident in their ability to keep it together.

However, no matter how conservative a drinker, or shy, or authentic you are, it might be worth taking a pass on alcohol that first night. First and foremost, even a little alcohol can impair your judgement, and you’re there to assess your compatibility. It’s one thing to get a little silly when you’re already comfortable with your friends; it’s another to get cozier than you might have otherwise. Some even use alcohol to intentionally make their date seem better; all this does is waste time for the both of you. You’ll just have to make the same decision later.

Next, there’s always a bit of a risk when it comes to drinking. Maybe you couldn’t eat that day thanks to first-date nerves, and you’re getting much tipsier, much faster. Maybe this restaurant makes their drinks much stronger than you’re used to. Unfortunately, you might not realize before you’re already drunker than you intended. And while a little alcohol might help you talk more easily, too much could lead to conversations you’d never ordinarily have. Or blackouts. Or vomiting. Not exactly the first impression you want to make.

Then there’s a safety issue. Let’s imagine that someone other than your date put something in your drink. Perhaps if you’re with friends who know you well, someone might notice you’re not yourself and get you medical attention. But instead, you’re with someone who has just met you; for all they know, you’re simply drunk. However, if you aren’t drinking alcoholic drinks in the first place, your behavior would certainly seem out of the ordinary to even a casual bystander.

First dates are fraught with nerves and peril. It’s tempting to stifle a little of that stress with a drink or two. However, before you choose your beverage, you might want to weigh the risks and benefits, and choose or limit accordingly.